A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ok, this is a WEIRD one. But maybe you guys can help.See, I know this girl who is sort of promiscuous. Yet she's hott. And sweet. And so we been out a bit. Never slept together or anything because believe it or not, I dont think people should do that outside of a committed relationship.I asked her out not knowing about her past or her habits. I knew she must have been around since she's so drop dead gorgeous. But I did not know this much! She has slept by my estimate with at least 100 men (she's 26). So we had a great time, she said she liked me. But after going out a few times, I asked her to be my girlfriend. She hesitated. I said what's wrong. She said she just did not like to be controlled by men. I asked what do you mean?She said, "I dont like men telling me who I can sleep with or not."I said, "But...when you are in a committed relationship, dont you just want to sleep with that one guy?"She repeated what she said. She then said she never had a real boyfriend for that reason.But she said, "We can go out and be together...just dont tell me who I can or cannot sleep with."I was baffled. Never had this happen to me before. So she said we can go out, be lovey dovey, even have sex. BUT we cant be exclusive.I REALLY like this girl. But I do not know if I can handle this. Its like a trade off: I get to spend time with her and have her be like a girlfriend to me...BUT she can still sleep with other guys!What would you do? If you really liked a girl, would you enter into a relationship like this?
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female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 September 2011):
 To the anonymous poster who said: "I doubt that because no matter how honest you are emotions will come into play at some point in time.Most people who are not monogamous actually lie about it, which seems to be a large part of the population as we can tell statistically from people who ask questions here about cheating partners. The jury is out on open relationships. I've never met anyone who was openly non monogamous who seemed stable and most cheaters don't seem very stable either.Most people probably don't use protection so they're all at risk for stds if they're non monogamous as well as for the emotional fall out.In any case there is a difference between non monogamy and sleeping with 100 partners, even if that is an exaggeration, there is no way that is healthy. This is high risk behavior and a sign of problems. "Unless you have some scientific data to back up your claims, you're going to have to admit that this is just your opinion, which is biased due to your own personal experiences with non-monogamous people.The fact is, very few people are able to have healthy, stable relationships regardless of whether or not they're monogamous because it's difficult to do so. If you want a sample of the truth, take a look at how many people on this website alone have relationship problems where "emotions come into play" and they're dating just ONE person.Promiscuity CAN be a sign of "problems" as much as any other trait, and since you do not know this girl, you cannot make a judgment call of why she's doing what she's doing.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Sounds like she has intimacy issues. Or she wants an open relationship.
Obviously that is not what you want, so she isn't right for you... hot or not.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 If I were a guy who believes in monogamy and exclusive committment, obviously not . Because I would know that her values are totally conflicting with mines, which is never a good base to build a relationship upon, and because I would be quite sure I could't handle it and I'd feel anxious and jealous all the time.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): She's all fucked up in the head on intimacy issues.She is so hot because she works to be that way, feels like she is not attractive, and can't have relationships that are stable and loving.100 men by your estimate? Really, you might want to double that or triple it. She probably has no idea. She was probably sexualized at a young age, neglected, abused, or worse."she never had a real boyfriend for that reason"The reason is that she has no idea how to have a real boyfriend and never will even if she marries you, unless she gets into long term serious counseling and deals with her intimacy issues.
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A
male
reader, idoneitagain  +, writes (8 September 2011):
"I dont like men telling me who I can sleep with or not."
She is actually right. Monogomy shouldn't be something we do because the other person expects us, or makes us feel guilty about, or controls us. It is not for men to tell her who she should sleep with or not. Monogomy should be a choice. It should be something a person chooses, not because they are being controlled by their partner. This is the basis of your point, where you said "dont you just want to sleep with that one guy?" which she responded ambiguously to by repeating what she had said. These two points are not actually conflicting, they can both be true at the same time. A person in a monogomous relationship should not want to be controlled by their partner, and should really only want to sleep with that one guy, presumably because she loves him.
If we translate what she really means, I believe it means some or all of the following:
I don't like to be controlled because I have been controlled in the past and didn't like it.
I don't like men to tell me what to do because I have been in a position of diminished power to a man before and didn't like it.
I have been hurt in relationships in the past so I prefer to sleep with men and not get attached.
I am scared of love and intimacy.
I enjoy wielding my power over men through sex.
I lack the emotional capacity or development to engage fully in a loving relationship so I keep the focus sexual.
I believe deep down that people are only interested in me sexually because I have poor self esteem or self worth.
So what does this mean for you?
She won't be monogomous unless she falls in love with you and realises what the implications are, and makes a choice to take a leap of faith and try having a relationship based on intimacy rather than sex. It is a risk for her that she might not have the emotional constitution to take, and this would leave you heartbroken if you reached that point and realised she couldn't do it. So it is a risk for you too. However, you might just be the guy she has been waiting for.
If you want to take the risk, you can choose to just stay friends, develop a closeness, and try and let the love grow between the two of you to form the kind of relationship you really want. Its a risk though, there is every chance the process could be hard to bare, but you can let nature take its course.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): ”Non-monogamy is completely healthy when done honestly and safely.“
I doubt that because no matter how honest you are emotions will come into play at some point in time.
Most people who are not monogamous actually lie about it, which seems to be a large part of the population as we can tell statistically from people who ask questions here about cheating partners. The jury is out on open relationships. I've never met anyone who was openly non monogamous who seemed stable and most cheaters don't seem very stable either.
Most people probably don't use protection so they're all at risk for stds if they're non monogamous as well as for the emotional fall out.
In any case there is a difference between non monogamy and sleeping with 100 partners, even if that is an exaggeration, there is no way that is healthy. This is high risk behavior and a sign of problems.
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A
female
reader, shrodingerscat +, writes (8 September 2011):
Some people are not comfortable with monogamy and that is their nature. She is a non-monogamous person, and there is NOTHING wrong with that. There are more people like that than folks realize. Non-monogamy is completely healthy when done honestly and safely.
If you are comfortable with her not being monogamous, then undertake a relationship with her. BUT YOU NEED TO BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF AND HER. Do NOT get involved with her in a romantic relationship if you secretly know in three months you'll wake up and suddenly feel possessive.
The key to this is the fact that is honestly does not matter how "hott" she is, the BIGGER and more important picture is that YOU have to be clear and truthful with yourself as well as her. If you can handle sharing her, then cool. If not, do NOT get involved with her. PERIOD.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 September 2011): You won't be happy in any relationship with her so end it now. You know what to do. She doesn't want you as a boyfriend and she never will. She is being honest with you. I would also guess that you don't REALLY like her, you just want something that is a challenge maybe? Someone who has slept with 100 partners is not a healthy person.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Let's see if the "answer" isn't right there in your submittal... if we just edit it a bit. OK?
You wrote: "...Its like a trade off: I get to spend time with her and have her be like a girlfriend to me...BUT she can still sleep with other guys!"
Now, suppose that, instead, you had written "...Its like a trade off: I get to spend time with her and have her be like a girlfriend to me (at least in my mind) ...BUT she can still sleep with other guys! .. and make a total fool of me, for everybody and anybody to see."
Does that help clarify the matter??????
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A
female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (8 September 2011):
 You clearly are uncomfortable with the open-relationship concept; most people are. We are by nature possessive of our partners and do not want to share them, especially romantically and sexually. If you cannot see yourself sharing this woman with different men, you have two options:1. Sleep with her casually if you're mainly interested in her for sexually.2. Cut off contact before you develop strong feeling or fall in love as you will only suffer with a free spirit, who will never be exclusively with you
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (8 September 2011):
 so she's hot? that won't matter so much to you when she is out sleeping with all sorts and it hurts you coz you just want to be with her and no one else. you two have VERY different ideas about commitment, relationships, sex. you should leave her to do what she wants and you go and get a girl who has a more similar outlook to you
x
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A
male
reader, CASA DE FIGUEROA +, writes (8 September 2011):
I know these type of women, they just dont like being comitted to a relationship, they just want sex. They are not ready for love but just sex, they will be in the future but not right now. You can't a change a person remember that. She basically just wants to be your friend with benefits and if you want more then move on brother, don't go for second best. And you never know if she might catch a disease or something. Don't risk it and just move on, there are millions of girls out there waiting for you..good luck!..
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A
female
reader, yowie +, writes (8 September 2011):
 Do you really want other guys laughing at you behind your back? Not to mention the risk of STD's to yourself.You said it yourself- "be LIKE a girlfriend to me." But not really your girlfriend. She seems to have commitment issues at the very least. I think your beliefs about sex within a committed relationship is great, but if she cannot respect your values and wants it all her way, then you need to be honest about whether you can live with her lack of respect to you.Best Wishes
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A
male
reader, Daniel the love doctor +, writes (8 September 2011):
 In other words she wants an open relationship. This situation is usually difficult to be in especially when one person wants exclusivity and the other person doesn't. Because of this reason I think you should not pursue anything more than a friendship with her. Especially since you don't believe in having sex without commitment. She is not ready right now for a relationship. So just be friends.You'll be saving yourself from a lot of heartaches by not getting seriously involved with her.
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