A
male
age
51-59,
*nowy74
writes:9m relationship - fantastic - my girl shes hotttt, crazy about me (brings a long stem rose to the airport), very very hot (did i say that lol - 50kg, great ass, cute waiste, etc) loves to dance, (when im with her), just a bubbly vivacious girl (and in the bedroom.. very enthusiastic)... anyways:lately (3 weeks ago) - she suggested we buy a porno and watch it (she hasnt done that, neither have i) (we have both been with say 10 partners in our lives)so i get a dvd - its tasteful (lol) music is nice, its not a 'gang bang freak fest' its more arty - slow motion, fuzzy imagery, dreamy, real 'fantasty mode stuff - she loves it for that reasonso whats the problem?she has a hang up with the idea of me downloading porn or even looking at model's pics on youtube at work (?)so this new thing we are doing seems counter to that.. ya know?shes invited me to buy a second dvd - which i did it was better than the first -- black n white , High Def, music was nice - 'moaning and stuff was very background' - we enjoyed making love while it was playing in the backgroundno problem so far right? shes the perfect girl??!!!she says she wouldnt look at porn by herself but with me, its different (nice touch) Fast forward another two weeks and im out of town. She says can i join up with the website that makes the dvds we 'liked'. lol ... WHAT ?yeah - can i she says... i miss u and we can watch remotely together on my laptop and hers etc. she says id join up but im ashamed. Well u have nothing to be ashamed about, this is the perfect use of porn, in a safe, open way AND its part of a relationships experience (vs some sneaky fantasy on her / his own)Question:this just seems to good to be true, is it? or does it signal a loss of interest? i dont wanna be a prude and say 'hey u shouldnt watch it unless im there' -- after all it was her idea to watch it together, PLUS i am out of town. So its fine fine for now.. butwhen i get back what do i do? do i try and limit the exposure to this new mutual experience so it doesnt become a full on part of our sex lives?part of me is relieved to be able to watch porn with my mate, in such a open way (im careful not to be enthusiastic about what i see of course... i dont want her to become self consciousESPECIALLY SINCE DID I MENTION : SHES hotttttttt :-)but is this a red flag? reduced desire, need for stimulus?, variety etc? or can it become one? (addictive, if she starts to watch on her own more and more.now the only thing i can think of is to look at a guy, when i look at porn and im with my gf - does it mean im not into her : no.does it mean im unhappy with her : nodoes it mean i want to change her for someone else : nobut do i see the damage 'porn in secret' can do to a relationship via its unrealistic portrayal of women and their bodies? - yes.therefore is this a risk for her if she becomes addicted?early to say perhaps. AND i have the added wrinkle that this idea to watch is ONLY because im not in town... when i return i will be looking for only occasional interest in viewing porn (I dont want it to instantly take centre stage in our sexual diet)im not sure what im asking, do u?im generally a confident person but occasionally i allow insecurities to nag at me and this is so 'out of the blue' that it just has me thinking a bit is allcheers in advance!
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male
reader, Snowy74 +, writes (1 April 2011):
Snowy74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for your comments, we have only watched porn 'together' and the frequency is not often, so thankfully there is no issue here -
A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 October 2010):
 OK so I'm not sure I understand your question, but here goes...
So it sounds like you enjoy porn sometimes, she enjoys porn sometimes, but she really wants to only have porn be something you both share. You're already way ahead on this, that you know that secret porn has the capacity to destroy relationships and create unrealistic expectations. You already know it can be addictive. However, nothing you've said sets off any red flags. She wants to watch occasionally, but only together. Keep it out in the open, don't create problems of sneaking around or watching it behind each other's backs. That does not signal an addict. You're out of town and she wants to share it with you, again out in the open. She's asking permission, meaning she probably isn't sneaking. So just, let her know if you get uncomfortable, don't sneak around with porn behind each other's backs, and everything sounds healthy.
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A
male
reader, Snowy74 +, writes (7 October 2010):
Snowy74 is verified as being by the original poster of the questiongreat replys very good observations
(re my porn, I have looked at
porn of course and use it occasionally
when I'm not in a relationship
when compared to a real relationship/sexual
experience however I just find it dangerous
and a big "generic", there is no real intimacy
being shared etc etc
and ..well anyway I didn't know what
I was asking but the replys are just
what I needed to know
thank u all 3!
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (7 October 2010):
OK so I'm not sure I understand your question, but here goes...
So it sounds like you enjoy porn sometimes, she enjoys porn sometimes, but she really wants to only have porn be something you both share. You're already way ahead on this, that you know that secret porn has the capacity to destroy relationships and create unrealistic expectations. You already know it can be addictive. However, nothing you've said sets off any red flags. She wants to watch occasionally, but only together. Keep it out in the open, don't create problems of sneaking around or watching it behind each other's backs. That does not signal an addict. You're out of town and she wants to share it with you, again out in the open. She's asking permission, meaning she probably isn't sneaking. So just, let her know if you get uncomfortable, don't sneak around with porn behind each other's backs, and everything sounds healthy.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (7 October 2010):
 It's not too good to be true. She's found something she likes, and it's just new right now. Don't do anything when you get back except continue this great thing you've got going. This is not a red flag of any kind...she's just a passionate woman who isn't afraid of new things. That's wonderful and doesn't mean she's bored or in need of extra stimulation. Chill.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): Long story short; porn is addictive. Once you get a taste for it, you’ll start searching for specific fetishes. I don’t think you can turn this off in your girlfriend, so I suggested you try and curve it a bit to your advantage, but in a good way you know?
- Try having sex while watching together. I know that doesn’t sound right but maybe it will turn out to be a turn on for both of you. She definitely won’t want to watch it alone again.
- Or maybe rent out the most distasteful porno ever made and make her watch it to deter her interest a little.
- Best option for you at this time though; talk about it. Try to understand what’s gotten into her over porn?
Maybe even the problem isn’t with her, but with you. You were into to it well before she was. Maybe you just need to bring your paranoid thoughts back down to reality and realize that porn is purely a fantasy, for singles and couples. Nothing real about it at all.
Seriously though; you have it good buddy - Take her as she comes ok.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (7 October 2010):
 Ok, I'm really confused here. You're not sure what you're asking, and neither am I...
Here's my take on your situation. You're putting the cart before the horse. You've gotten waaaaaaaaaayyyyyy ahead of yourself here. What I see is this: you've found something new to do together that you both enjoy. You aren't sacrificing your sex life and substituting it with porn. You are having a fun and fulfilling relationship...
Nope, no problems in my eyes. I've dated girls who liked porn and our bedroom play was definitely some of the most fulfilling I've had. I'm not saying that a girl has to like porn to be good in bed, but the girls who I've been with who were open to porn were generally less afraid to try different things and were more open with what they wanted. This led to a more mutually fullfilling sexual relationship.
IF she starts choosing porn over sex with you. IF you start choosing porn over sex with her. IF you notice that you start never having sex without it. THEN you have the start of a problem and you need to talk about it.
Really, the best thing you can do for your relationship is have open communication. Talk about your concerns with her. Tell her how you're feeling. Stay calm and talk about it. I don't think you have anything to fear. I think you've found a special girl.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I don't want to put you down at all so I will try to be as helpful as possible.In most cases, I would say that the fact that you don't even want to watch porn or that you haven't before, means that in a way you are a prude just because you haven't watched anything. However if this works for you, and you find real women more appealing, that's also a positive quality.The fact that she doesn't want you watching it when she's not around, also gives you the option to tell her the same thing. Tell her that you care for her deeply, but that you feel that you'd like to only watch that stuff with her if that's ok.The fact that she wants to share the experience with you, also means she does want YOU to be part of the equation so she is not loosing intrest with you, or she would simply watch it without you.I would guess that she probably has more sexual fantasies than you and is testing the waters to see what you are willing to do with her.I would talk to her about this, ask her if there are some other ideas or fantasies that she had that were not being fulfilled, try and be open when listening and don't act shocked if she says something that surprises you, try and act normal so she won't feel judged and if it's something that is not appealing to you, just simply say, "I'm so glad you feel you can be open and honest with me and tell me what you really want, and I will think about these new things and perhaps we can try SOME of them at some point" and then actually take time to think about it later when you're not around her, when you can seriously react and say wow thats weird! but without her feeling judged or looked down upon.anyway that's my advice, open communication is best. Try not to shoot down peoples ideas too quickly or they will always feel that they have to hide things from you and you will never truly know them.Best of luck!
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