A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:My younger sister and I have always been very close, as teenagers I always looked out for her, particularly when it came to her relationships. While I never once interfered I always pride myself as being a good judge of character and it seemed like each serious boyfriend she had always ended up treating her badly, exactly as I knew they would. I never said ‘I told you so’, all I did was helped pick her up and restore her confidence and self-esteem.My parents went to live in Spain shortly after I married and the 3 of us, myself, my wife and my sister continued to have a close bond. During this time my sister met this guy and while I can’t say what it was about him I didn’t like, I couldn’t quite put my finger on it and thought it was just me being over protective. She eventually married him, but after witnessing his behaviour on his stag night I knew that he never had any respect for my sister. That was when I lost her. Not even 11 years later when our parents died, within 9 months of each other, did we have the relationship we once had. This continued until November last year, when my sister split from her husband of 19 years. Her story was one of physical and mental abuse throughout all the years she was married, my suspicions were correct, but I never knew just how bad it was. I was left feeling so guilty for seeing my sister go through all this silently and not being able to help.If anything good came out of this it was that the relationship with my sister became what it once was. My wife and I helped her put her life back together and I enjoyed a wonderful relationship with my young niece that I never had before. My sister has now started seeing a new man and our relationship, once again, seems to have changed. Despite the fact I have never met this man I feel a hostility towards him as I appear to be losing my sister again, not only that, but where I once saw my niece every day even that has gone from my life. I think that my sister has deliberately kept her new man away from me as she knows how many times in the past I have been right about her choices of partner. She also knows that I will have that discussion with him, just once, that if he ever hurts my sister then I will hurt him. I know she doesn’t want me to have this conversation with him, but it’s important to me that he understands not to mess her around.I am having real problems adjusting; I’m struggling with the fact that I am no longer the most important person in my sisters’ life, I am worried that the bond the 3 of us have is going to be broken by somebody I don’t even know. I have spoken to my wife about how I feel and she is wonderful and understands, but I still don’t know how to cope with these feelings especially as all I want for my sister is be happy.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): I have to agree. If she is going to fall into the same situation again, she will... and she needs to WANT to get help in finding the right kind of man instead of the wrong one, you can look out for her, but you aren't her father and she isn't 14, she's a grown woman and if you treat her like you know better she will pull away. Let her be and let her come to YOU for advice in her own time.
Best of luck.
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (7 October 2010):
 If you want her to be happy then back off. You have no right to control who she dates. Of course you aren't the most important person in her life, and that's the way it should be. You are only her brother. If she wants your opinion let her ask for it. Sorry to sound harsh but you are out of line here.
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