A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:so i've been dating this great girl for the better part of a year now, but recently, i find out (partially because she started to admit and partially because i prodded a bit) that she lied about1) the number of people she's slept with (probably shouldn't have come up, but she did lie about it)2) a past experiment with harder drugs (she wouldnt touch any now, but in the past?)3) cheating on her ex (who was away long term)4) and lied to me multiple times about a specific question on whether she'd hooked up with a mutual acquaintance.when i found all this out, i broke up with her, saying that i didn't want to be with someone who could lie to me face to face for so long and on many occasions (each question came up multiple times).the trouble is, i still have feelings for her (kinda expected). she wants me to forgive it and try to rebuild trust again, promising that she would never lie again. i want things to be like how i thought they were, because i was so happy with her. but i also dont know that i could trust her again. and i feel almost foolish for even considering it. most of my friends said they wouldn't even question it, they would just end it and move on. i'm having trouble doing that (but it has only been a few days). would i be stupid to consider taking her back?
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female
reader, Lucy79  +, writes (26 June 2010):
would i be stupid to consider taking her back?
is what you ask, well you are ´stupid´ for putting yourself into this situation, ofcourse every breakup will bring doubts with, especially on those moments you miss someone we tend to forget the stuff we didnt like and remeber the stuff we did.
But that is not what I mean.
It comes across to me you might not have given the break up much thought, or broke up for the wrong reason.
Lying is obviously never good, but I do see a diffrence in the little white lies and real lying, but it is never good obviously and it is your judgement in the end, not your friends...
Either way, if the ´damage is done´ then leave it as it is and move on, dont get back with her unless you can trust her cause otherwise it will not be fair to anyone.
Also do not be suprised if she might not want to, I once had ´the questionnaire´ and I had been dating this guy for little over a year and he broke up with me when he found out my parents were never married (he simply thought they were divorced) and he did not ´aprove´ of my ´fun´ year I had abroad after highschool.
3 days later he is standing before my door telling me he is willing to overlook these things...
I wasnt, and it might not be the exact same situation, but being judged by your loved one is no fun, she might feel judged or not good enough now. (or maybe she will take you back with open arms, I have no idea obv.)
And I have to agree with what Frank said, some of the questions you ask you might want to save for a later stadium in a relationship, you are dating this girl and ofcourse it is good to get to know her past, but in my opinion it should focus on the present and the future.
A
male
reader, unwind +, writes (26 June 2010):
I disagree wholeheartedly with Frank. It's an issue of integrity. How does his ex cheating on her previous ex deal with his ego? At best, there is a huge disconnect. You would have to assume a lot about his character to reach that conclusion. There are open relationships, and relationships that are so casual, hiding one's true intensions is the name of the game. If there is cheating in one's history, It is a red flag. How big? Well, I don't know enough to say.
My suggestion is to give yourself time. As in weeks and weigh in the pros and cons. Perhaps talk to her after 1 or 2 weeks. People breakup and get back together, so it isn't a rare event. However, what is she going to do to improve? At this point, it's about personal development and work to at least increase the potential of a successful relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2010): Why do people say a person's past is "Not Your Business". of course it is. If you are going to be in a relationship with someone, you need to know their history. Call me crazy....but it's important to know. Women do lie about it because they don't want to appear to be easy.
My friend she lied about more stuff than that, ask her why she lied about each one of them, tell her how you feel. At that point if you can't build trust, then move on.
also ask her if she's willing to burry her past (i.e. friend she hooked up with). If not, move on.
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (26 June 2010):
 You were together for almost a year...so here are some of my thoughts...
A lot of what you asked is not something anyone needs to admit to when casually dating. In fact, some of those things are on a need to know basis. In my opinion, if you were getting to the point of planning to make a serious commitment (like marriage), then you would need to ask for a full disclosure. But unless serious commitment is on the table, a lot of what you asked is none of your business.
Where it would be your business is if the things you describe are values you seek in another partner. For example, the number of partners she has been with...if you have a religious belief that you and your future wife must be celibate until wedding night, then it is a value that you need to find in another person. If it is just an ego thing where you worry she has been with more guys than you have been with girls, you have to come to terms with that for yourself.
The rule I teach is that if this is a value, it needs to be communicated right from the beginning, and any lying about it ends the relationship. If it is an ego extension, then you have to figure out if the lie was isolated, and consider if you presented yourself as someone that can handle other people's truth.
For example:
1) the number of people she's slept with
Unless you are planning to make a life commitment to her, this really is not your business. It does not need to come up. When you are ready to marry her, then a full disclosure might make sense.
2) a past experiment with harder drugs (she wouldn't touch any now, but in the past?)
This is something that I do think is important to talk about in a relationship as any history of use of narcotics comes with baggage that a partner needs to be wary of. But again, is this a value and you yourself never do drugs, or is this an ego extension?
3) cheating on her ex (who was away long term)
Again, is this a value issue or an ego issue? And is a serious commitment on the table?
4) and lied to me multiple times about a specific question on whether she'd hooked up with a mutual acquaintance.
Which is really not any of your business, just as your sexual history is not her business UNLESS a serious commitment for long term life partnership is on the table.
I hope this was helpful in some way.
-Frank
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A
female
reader, Blonde_J +, writes (26 June 2010):
Ok - I don't condone lying - but ask this - if she had told you the truth up front at the start of the year, would the relationship have gone this far?
Yeah she lied and that was bad - but all the things she lied about are things in the past. She may have been insecure about letting you know about stuff that could jeopardise your future together. To play devil's advocate, in some ways these lies could be seen as her way of protecting your relationship, (a very silly stupid way granted). These types of lies are about her trying to make herself look good to you, making you think better of her. Maybe you could see that as a sign of how desperate she was to make you happy? She shouldn't have been hiding bits she thought you wouldn't like, but now that you know you really need to think about how you would have reacted to the truth.
The trust issue is a biggie and its entirely up to whether that is something you can re-build, but I think if you genuinely care about this girl then you should consider putting the work in. If you do be firm - no more lies, no more pretending - and go in with an open mind and no recriminations. You can't hold this over her head for the rest of your relationship. If its going to work, you need to make her see how unneccessary and pointless these lies were - that you are focusing on who she is now and won't judge her for mistakes in the past. But thats up to you as to whether you can do that. If you can't then your mates might be right.
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A
male
reader, seneca +, writes (26 June 2010):
Move on!
Once trust has gone, the relationship is impossible.
It's hard to do if you love her, but if you carry on you will be wasting your precious time. Find someone worth your love and enjoy life.
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