A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Agony Aunts, i am wondering if you can pls. help me with a problem that is driving me crazy.I have a friend whom i am feeling very close to. she just wants to be friends. but the closer i get to her the more i feel i am falling in love with her. she considers me one of her best friends (at least she says it to me) but i want more. she makes it clear to me that she just wants to be friends, yes we have had that conversation. i am like a brother to her.But the thing is, i cant take it anymore, i cant take being with her feeling what i feel and knowing she is going out with other people. sometimes she even tells me about them or says oh that guy is cute.i told her i think i cannot take it anymore, and she says to me, if you were to leave my life i do not know what i would do, i would not be able to handle it.so i do not know what to do. it seems like it is either me or her. one of us is going to suffer. if i stay with her i am going to suffer and if i leave she is going to suffer. it seems like it is a no win situation. also, them more i stay with her the more i resent her. i cannot understand why if she feels so close to me like she says she does not want a romantic relationship like i so deeply do. i feel like she is maybe playing with me, like she wants her cake and eat it too kind of thing. i sometimes feel so angry with her. so i ask you what should i do? should i leave her and break our friendship? will i be a bad or selfish person to do this?also, does the fact that i resent her more and more mean i am a bad or selfish person?thanx so much for any help you can give to me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again, everyone, there's alot of wisdom and good thinking here.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): She's being very inconsiderate and selfish for wanting you to hang around and watch her date other men when she knows very well that you like her. She's also taking advantage of your feelings for her by trying to guilt you into staying in her life through all of her thoughtless crap. Is this really the type of woman you'd want to be with. Tell her and bid her goodbye. The only person's welfare that matters in this case is yours so react in all ways that are about you feeling good. Her feelings are entirely irrelevant. She's doesn't give a crap about yours because if she did she would understand that it would be to hard and painful for you to stay around watching her love another man with you as the tormented spectator. Give her the boot, walk away and never look back. She's not good for you. She's a self centered inconsiderate ugly heartless b*tch and this should be enough motivation for you to disposing of her. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): I remember you posted about this ages ago but i can't find it. I really think you need to make a decision because it's been going on for long enough now.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): I don't think you're being selfish. I also think it's reasonable to tell someone being close friends is too difficult given your feelings. I think for the sake of your friendship, you should spend less time together, otherwise, you're absolutely right; you will start to resent her.It sounds like you two have open communication which is great, but what is lacking on her part is empathy. I don't know how young she is, but hopefully she should understand what it is to have unrequiting feelings for a person and hopefully she would have the imagination to see how painful it is to maintain intimacy with a person who's rejected you.She may honestly value your friendship, but perhaps on a certain level because she feeds off of your attention. I doubt it's a conscious thing. I downgraded a friendship after a man rejected me, but still wanted me to accompany him to his functions, meet his family, and help him with his projects. It made me feel so badly that I had to start refusing his invitations. I saw him at my discrection when I felt I could handle it. I could tell he was upset with me, but we both got over it a year later. I no longer have feelings for him and I am sometimes glad he never indulged my feelings. I think he respects me a little more than he used to as well. I think you can seperate your life and salvage the relationship. It won't be easy or immediate and she'll probably be angry, but if you're diplomatic about it, I thnk you can weather it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your answers, they are wise and very helpful.
Particularly this one by Cerberus,
"Really that is far worse than the pain of losing you as a friend, you will become very bitter and angry towards her, you will put her down and put down any guys she gets with and all that time you will feel really bad."
that is what is happeneing, and it is what is making me feel worse because i do not want to bring her down but that IS what is happeneing.
this is going to be hard but i think it is necessary esp. after reading your comments. thank you...
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (21 February 2011):
You have to leave if you want to heal
Make it clear and polite to her
And move away peacefully
Good luck
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A
male
reader, Myau  +, writes (21 February 2011):
 I'll keep it simple, you have two options really:
1. Stay, keep being rejected. Watch her get married from the backrow and spend the rest of your life alone and unhappy. This path has the added bonus of meeting women who are great for you and rejecting them. Thus staying alone and bitter.
2. Say goodbye, cry her out of your system and meet a girl who wants to be with you. It wil hurt alot in the short term, but soon enough you will know that your better off. Ill wager that you will always resent her rejection, so the sooner you do this the better.
Alot of people go through this. You need to accept that she just isnt the one for you.
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (21 February 2011):
 No, you're not bad or selfish at all!
You have considered whether you are able to take up her offer of being no more than good friends, and have realized you cannot.
This being so, you really have no choice (as Banshee and Cerberus have said) but to let her go and move on with your life, much as it may be painful to both of you to do so.....
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male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (21 February 2011):
You have to leave her for your own sake. It is tortuous being with a girl you want for a girlfriend and seeing she's with other guy.
She hasn't the right to ask you to stay. Because you are wrong about one thing: if you leave her she isn't the only one who's going to suffer. You will suffer just like her. So that's a fair thing. You both will suffer a little, but in the end both of you will get over it.
If you stay you will be the only one suffering and that will last forever. I don't think that's a good thing to do.
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A
female
reader, AskPru +, writes (21 February 2011):
 Hello, thanks for your letter. You are in a very emotionally tricky situation, but I hope that I can help explain how you can make things better without either you or your friend suffering too much. Basically you are experiencing unrequited love - you feel so much for this lady, yet she is telling you that she cannot reciprocate your feelings, whilst keeping you close enough that your feelings grow in intensity and, understandably, you feel emotionally frustrated, angry and hurt. You worry that stepping away from her will hurt her; this selfless attitude shows how much you care for her. She seems unable to recognize that her needs as a friend are causing you pain, because you desire different things from each other. I do not encourage unrequited love - it is a waste of time and energy. Of course, sometimes it is very difficult to control our feelings for someone, yet we can find a way to manage our feelings without jeopardizing our chances of meeting other people with an open heart - and the chance to experience mutual affection. So how do you untangle yourself from this situation and find a little peace in your heart. Possibly you have told her how your feel already? I suggest that you tell her that you have romantic feelings for her, but you accept that she does not return them. You understand that your friendship is important to her, but while it is also important to you - you must move on with your life. In this way, you are reassuring her that you are still her friend, but letting her know that you cannot be as close as she wishes (as it is not good for you). In other words, there is no need to dramatically end the friendship, simply make some physical and emotional space and, most importantly, get on with your life, spend time with you other friends and keep you heart open to other girls. You will gain a lot of emotional confidence from doing this and if your lady friend genuinely cares for you, she will accept this new situation. Good luck! Pru
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female
reader, sha9991 +, writes (21 February 2011):
Hi,
Always put your feeling first before anyone elses,it doesn't make you a bad person,you have to care and protected yourself,none else is going to do it!
You have some tough decisions to make,first yes you are close,in a brother and sister way and that's it,she has told you that,but you are not wanting to except that,cuz you want more from her,but she doesn't from you! The difference between a brother and a bfriend is she is nicely saying she isn't sexually attracted to you,that's the only difference between a just a friend and a bfriend,SEX!!
Can you ever except just being her friend? If the answer is no? then you have to cut your loses,o.k she will be up-set and so will you,but it's for the best all round!
Or if you are happy with just being her friend? then hang-out with mates and have abit of space from her,find yourself a gfriend.
I hope I have helped? All the best!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 February 2011): "should i leave her and break our friendship?" Yes, you have to, it's going to happen anyway it's better that you let go of her while you're still both on good terms. If you don't do it now, you will just end up hating her and feeling bad about that because she hasn't done anything wrong.
"will i be a bad or selfish person to do this?" No, it doesn't make you a bad person, it makes you a smart person who is going to protect you and her from what will happen when you can no longer control your feelings. You can already feel that happening can't you? Things are already becoming strained and you're already starting to really resent her.
"does the fact that i resent her more and more mean i am a bad or selfish person?" No it doesn't, because it's not her as a person that you resent, it's the fact she doesn't love you too. You resent the fact you can't have her and that's being projected onto her because she is both the object of your affection and the thing you want that you can't have.
You have to let her go because you simply can't take it anymore and the worse this feeling gets the more likely it is you will do take it out on her and that will be very bad. Really that is far worse than the pain of losing you as a friend, you will become very bitter and angry towards her, you will put her down and put down any guys she gets with and all that time you will feel really bad.
Look you can't help your feelings but you can prevent yourself from letting them develop any further, you can prevent this from getting out of hand but you have to distance yourself from her.
If you stay you will hurt her, you will hurt yourself and you may actually psychologically damage her. She will understand why you have to go now, she will get over it and will not feel bad about herself because of it. If you stay you will lose control and you will not be able to be a good friend to her, the risk of saying and doing things to hurt her is too great you have to walk away.
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