A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:Last June, I bumped into a girl I once worked with. We never had a relationship at that time - in fact we were both married.A few weeks later, she contacted me saying she was single and miserable (recently broken up from a two-year relationship). In short, we got together, and within days were spending every waking moment together. We just `clicked'.After three months though, she began to grow distant and evasive. She told me (without prompting one night) her ex had been in touch, and although nothing had happened, she still had feelings for him although she didn't want to resume a relationship with him.Since then, things became more and more distant, although we still spend a lot of time together. After Christmas, she stopped contact for three weeks. I was aware she was spending a lot of time with him, and gave her some space, telling her (via email) I still lover her, and would be here for here if she needed me.Last week, we had a long talk. She spend three or four nights visiting and talking, and it appeared she was still prepared to consider a future with me, although we both recognise she is still in love with her ex.Unfortunately, she is still spending most of her time at his place...I know I should `move on', but this girl is the love of my life (and I'm not a teenager - I'm a fairly worldly 44 year old). I know she cares for me, and she has admitted another relationship with her ex would be self-destructive.I cant stop thinking about her. Can't sleep, can't eat.. Just don't know what to do.Do dreams come true? Do people return to relationships when they realise the ex isn't always the answer?
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male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Mate,
seriously, you have to get the hell away from this woman. I dont mean to be harsh but she is playing with your emotions here and there is only one realy loser - you.
You do realise she will be having sex with her ex again dont you, do you really think this is acceptable ? I think this has put a dent in your confidence as I can't for the life of me think why you would put up with this. Good grief, if you hold on for her you are telling her that she can do anything she wants and you will always be there.
The only hope for you is to put your foot down, tell her no more contact, chats, heart to hearts whatever until she either gets back with her ex or breaks off all contact with him permanently. You're an easy mark at the moment for her, she knows she can bonk this guy and be treated like shit by him and all she has to do is give you a call and you will be there for her.
None of us are getting any younger, but this is not an excuse for putting up with infidelity in a relationship. 44 is the new 34 they say!! Get out there and meet some people, there are plenty of woman who want to meet a man for an exclusive reltionship, let this one know that you aren't going to play her little game.
A
female
reader, bubbloo24  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 I've been in a similar situation... and what I'm gonna tell you to do will be really hard to do but I think it's best all round.
I think you need to give her space, tell her that you're not going to contact her for a few weeks until she gets her thoughts straight, coz she's messing you around big time.
You should probably tell her that she should just be alone for a bit until she knows what she wants.
By keeping away from her and not talking it will help be because:
- She will probably end up missing having you around.
- If she decides she wants to be with her ex, you've been away from her and this will help the break a bit more easier.
You need to tell her that she just can't have both of you.
She needs to sort out her thoughts because by her head being so messed up, you're gettin entangled in it too and not knowing what to do about it. She's being very selfish to be quite honest.
Just my suggestion - but keep away from her for a bit ( I know it'll be hard but I think it would be better for you),
tell her that she can't have both of you and she needs to decide what she wants because you're not having any more of these games, and then the outcome should it be a break up or a reunion will help you move on. By not taking action against it you will stay in the same position until she decides to end with either you or the ex and the heartache will be a lot worse should you prolong her having the both of you around should it be you that she ends it with. Tell her straight, she can't have both and she needs to sort herself out.
If she's the great girl that you think she is, she'll try to understand how you feel, and if she is the love of your life then she will already know who she wants to be with - you.
I hope this helps.
xxx
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Hi
Yes fairly often people return to an ex even though its very unlikely to be any different, second, third, fourth or how ever many times later.
If she loves him, she is, to a major extent, still connected to him. I feel for you, because its way too soon for her to be getting into anything with anyone and it looks like you have been caught up in it.
Not too sure what else you can do apart from what you are doing. Its a tricky one. You want her to come to her senses and realise they are doomed and live happily ever after with her.
Might happen, might not. Unfortunately only time will tell.
Good luck.
C xxxxx
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A
male
reader, polarkite  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Well, you probably aren't going to win her over by being desperate, even if she is the love of your life. I would say *back off* and let her sort things out on her own.
*Play it cool.* Don't assume that she's going to end up with you just because she's breaking up with her ex. By getting involved with her while she is in a tumultuous time is most likely going to *reduce* your chances of having a happy life with her. At best, you'll be her rebound relationship, after which she moves on to some other guy or back to her ex.
She's not ready yet, if you can respect that then you will truly respect her. If you love her, then you will respect her. If she comes to you looking to rebound and have sex, let her know this, it will most likely increase her love for you. When she's ready, you'll probably know and can pursue a real relationship. Until then, keep your distance, and play to win. Oh, and in the meantime, find a hobby or even better a passion to distract you from all the tumult you feel. Funnel your love for her into something else that's meaningful.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Man are creatures of habit. We like the old and the familiar unless we have been burnt by it.
Many people return to their ex after a period of separation when they could not find an alternative .They long for the familiar things.It is like those animals who heed the call of the wild.
Some people drown their sorrows in beer and then wake up the next day with a hangover but they will be OK .
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