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male
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anonymous
writes: Okay, so I've been on here before, seeking help because my wife has (what I consider to be) a low sex drive.Some background...she's 25, I'm 32 and we haven't been married long at all, and we only met a few years ago, but we've never had a healthy sex life (again, this is my opinion, as she disagrees with me). During the first few months of dating, we would have sex regularly on the weekends, maybe once or twice. I was always craving more, but she was never in the mood.A few months later we moved in together, and our sex life all but died. Once a week became once every 2 weeks.My wife had told me, early on in our relationship, about her "colorful" past, just mentioning in passing that "she spent some time being a whore". And when we moved in, I made the mistake of reading one of her journals that she had lying around, only to see in graphic detail what she had only briefly described to me.I was horrified.I sought therapy, and came to terms with her past. I told her about what I had done, and apologized for it wholeheartedly. It was a mistake any which way you cut it.And I also learned, through therapy and talking to her, that she was sleeping around because she was looking for someone to provide her with some security, some love, some comfort that she didn't find it until she met me.So it's easy to see that I provided her with what she was looking for this whole time, and in turn she no longer had to "barter" to get what she wanted.It's been a couple of years since we met, and our sex life is severly in the dumps.Some background on me...I was never promiscuous. I always felt that sex was something you shared with someone you truly loved, and was something worth waiting for. I could count on 2 hands the number of women I had been with. And in each relationship, I enjoyed what I felt was a happy and healthy sex life. Sure, the relationships didn't last for various reasons, but sex wasn't one of them.But now, here I am, married, and masturbating on a daily basis because I can't get any at home. What was sex once every 2 weeks, has now turned into sex once a month. I'm sorry, but in my opinion, that is NOT healthy. I'm always trying to initiate (in various ways, some subtle, some not so subtle) but I constantly get shot down. Romantic weekend getaways, cooking dinner every night, drinks at a bar with friends, intimate backrubs...all yield nothing. She's too tired, she wants to sleep, there's a good tv show on, she has homework, she's not in the mood, her neck hurts...you name it, I've heard it.I've talked to her about this (and inadvertently argued with her about it as well), because I'm frustrated. I want my wife to want me. Is that too much to ask for?I mean really...is it wrong that I feel cheated, because she was persuing all these other men, and sleeping with them, but I can't even get her to look twice at me? That's exactly how I feel. Like she was a whore for everyone, and then she met me, and stopped. I want her to be MY whore.I understand this is typical madonna-whore complex behavior, therapy has taught me that. But how can I NOT feel this way?I respect her enough to not force the issue, as I know forcing it isn't going to get me anywhere. You can't force someone to want to have sex with you. And I dare not mention couples counselling, as I'm sure she'll feel like it's my problem to deal with, as there is nothing wrong with her, and we "haven't been married long enough to need counselling" (her quote). When asked, she feels like our sex life is great.So tell me...how can someone go from having a seemingly healthy sex drive whilst single, to having no sex drive at all once they find the man that "fills their void"?I wish we could go back to sex once a week. I'd rather have sex daily with her, but that's not likely, so I'd settle for what we used to have. So what am I doing wrong? Do I just need to accept the fact that she sees me as more of a "provider" rather than an "lover", and just deal with it? Did I set the wrong prescidence by not demanding a more sexually robust relationship from the beginning? Can this be salvaged? Will things get better as we grow older together?Aside from sex, I have no complaints about the girl. And I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but damn it...this is the part in a relationship (young, no kids, no responsibilities, time to enjoy one another) when we SHOULD be having lots of fun sex. Instead, I get lackluster sex, after alot of work on my part, and it's down to once a month now.Can anyone help?!?
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male
reader, slayer  +, writes (17 May 2010):
This situation is all too common, I am basically in the same boat, and it sucks. What I have realized is that I have been making lots of mistakes going way back to the begining of the relationship. There is nothing I can do to erase that or go back and try to fix it. I have done lots of research on this subject and I have come across some very interesting material / information and so far it seems to be working but it takes time, you have to gradually ... patiently change how you interact with her on a daily basis so as not to seem like a Jekyl and Hyde. Take it nice and slow and try subtle changes in how you interact with her but dont let her know that you are trying anything ... and for god's sake DONT TRY TO TALK TO HER ABOUT THE PROBLEM _ YOU'LL ONLY MAKE IT WORSE THAT NEVER WORKS! You have tried that haven't you? Well ... you be the judge ... DID IT WORK? So try something different, very different and let it be your little secret, try it in little phases over time. I have to say it but you have spoiled her rotten, I am not selling any books or material but I personally have had some very promissing results from: F.J. Shark " be the Jerk that Women Love" and Homer McDonnald "How to stop your Divorce". Just keep in mind, use these as a guidline and something to fall back on if you need to and not to make them a complete way of life. You wont be sorry.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 February 2008): Try offering her 20 bucks
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 I wouldn't tell her you want her to be your whore, that's for sure. By the way, I remember when you posted here originally. It's been a while.
I have feelings about this topic that I strongly believe. When you have two people who are at opposite ends of the sexual spectrum, it's a difficult ride for the person with the higher drive. The person with the higher drive has no options. The other person has all the control and in any situation, that breeds resentment. It's like the boss at work, he decides your hours, salary, benefits etc. He tells you when to take a break and if he says jump, you ask how high. You have no control or feeling that your input has any value. The difference is if you don't like your boss, you can work somewhere else. In a relationship you're not able to get sex from another person. That makes you "stuck".
The person with the lower drive doesn't see it as a problem because their needs are being met. There should be some compromise though, that is the answer. Sex every night is too much and once a month is too little. She needs to know that you will not go on this way. I always say that unless there is a reason why sex is an issue for someone, why not make your partner happy. Many people are just too tired or uninterested to make the effort. It does take effort too, especially after being together for a while.
Comparing her past to today is just going to frustrate you. I understand why it does but you can't expect her to repeat things she did that made her unhappy. She may have had some issues she was dealing with then that made her act that way.
In the end, it will have to be her choice to give you more. At this rate, she can't give you less. You need to communicate and draw your line in the sand, in a nice way. Get some help as a couple to meet on common ground.
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A
male
reader, polarkite +, writes (3 February 2008):
 Hi Anonymous,
You sound pretty frustrated. No, you can't go forcing people to have sex with you. You want her to be your whore? This is sounding more and more like a David Lynch movie. Mulholland Drive?
Communication, Communication, Communication!
You need to tell her you want to have sex, direct and honest. You need to ask her why she's not having sex with you. You need to be prepared for the fact that she might have a legitimate reason, and it may play into your own insecurities. It might be that she thinks you are lackluster in bed. You need to be understanding and most of all listen to her. You need to realize it may take time to work through whatever reason she has. You need to take her very seriously. If you do all these things, finally, you will have more sex, and when the time comes, you need to talk dirty to her.
Above all, do not blame her, rather, be understanding and listen! Chicks love that.
~polarkite
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (3 February 2008):
 She comes from a culture of , 'No money No honey!" You have got to talk to her in her language. Maybe you need to remind her that many others would be willing to be in her shoe.
She has taken you for granted.
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