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*itizenlondon
writes: If I have someone's unconditional love, should I be "blinded" by feelings ? To get a bit more into details, I'm in a relationship with a woman that trully loves me for who I am and I know she would just do anything for me. I do love her too, but I'm starting to think that part of me liking her is because she loves me unconditionally, a thing that I've always wanted in a partner. There's also things that I don't like that much - she's a little bit older, she has a past that's quite hard to swallow (although she changed a lot since then), she's not on the same intelectual level but she's also the sweetest person ever , she has lotsa qualities. I feel trapped in a way, because finding a person like her is quite "rara avis" . Do you think it's worth it to try my best at this ? I don't want to regret losing her coz of my selfishness, but I also don't want to end up splitting up one day because the different ways we see life in. I'm really torn between lots of IF's.. What do you reccomend ?
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female
reader, Lytoo +, writes (7 December 2006):
I think my husband feels this way towards me. I also love him unconditionally although I will point him to unacceptable attitudes and fight with him every now and then. He is also not of the same intellectual level as I am and I think sometimes he fancies having a simple (not too intellectual), easy-going (I do tend to mind details), overtly extrovert (I can't just get up and do a little dance for him in the living room although I know he would love that and although I am a good belly-dancer, but I'm too shy and I can only do that if he asks me to.), things like that...
If I look at the kind of girls he watches on the net I think it's that kind (supra) of girl he would like to try out.
Things he will be missing in me: organisation, overdose of affection and care, intelligence (has helped us out several times, you know) and patience.
To be honest: I think he loves me most because I am reliable, honest and practical (I know how to handle the most precarious situations). Although a lot of people say I'm beautiful, I don't feel it matters that much to him. So, in a way he makes me feel unattractive and unsexy, because it's those things he doesn't stress enough.
There you go: a woman's perspective. Hope it helps you somewhat.
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male
reader, citizenlondon +, writes (4 December 2006):
citizenlondon is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks a lot people , this really helps. I managed to open up a little bit to her to talk about things, and I have also done some soul-searching by myself. This may seem weird after my question, but I tried to picture myself without my girlfriend and have realised that I do love her and it's not just b-coz she loves me back. Otherwise, why would I feel that I will suffer greatly if I lose her. Most of my insecurities comes from the differences that I mention in the first post but I have thought and prayed about it and like some of you said, we should be able to work these out. And hopefully one day I'll also be able to just forget about her past and stop turning on it. I'm trully greatful to you all and please don't stop the messages coming :-) coz it seems to do a lot of good. I think I'm quite a challenging person myself, I have always been the kind that finds it very hard to accept people's defects so I think I always blow things out of proportion. I'm lucky to have this woman in my life and I will strive to give back to her as much as she has given and is giving me . Wish me luck ! Thanks for your support !
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female
reader, malone +, writes (4 December 2006):
Sounds like your in a situation I was in once before and people allways fall for others that do not treat them good and I was with someone that would have done anything in the world for me and I had no feelings if its not there its not there hun you need to let it go because in the long run she gonna get hurt worse the longer you wait and you know its really sad that people can't seem to fall in love in someone that does love them its always the other way around. I know I have been there and I even asked myself is there something wrong with me but if its not there its not fair to keep leading her on would you want someone to do you that way I'm guessing probably not I wish you luck on your situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): Ok, finding reall love is not so easy now days, but you have to be sure it is a reall love, it is what you want. You can never find 100% compatibility, but at the same time you got to make sure you are happy.
My advice is, make sure this unconditional love you talked about is been tested under different situations, make sure things that bothers you doesn't become big in the future.
Anything you are unhappy about have a open discussion with her about them, don't put things under the corpet it will come back to hunt you, and that is my personal experience.
enjoy each other and open about love and future and what you want, BUT make sure you will know where this relation is heading after 1-2 years.
take care
GOOD LUCK
I hope that is of some help
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male
reader, David Lewis  +, writes (4 December 2006):
 Tough question, yet only you can figure out the answer. I will try to advise best I can though.
I feel this relationship does have a future, but you must both sit and talk through any issues you both have. She loves you unconditionally, so that shows that you are a respectful and decent person. You have shown a side of you to us that maybe she has not seen. This is not a bad thing and you probably feel guilty for feeling the way you do.
This would seem to be a relatively new relationship, so there are probably things you are yet to discover about each other.
We are coming into the festive season and she is giving you a gift that does not come around too often. That gift is unconditional love. Try to work out why you were attracted to each other initially and work on that. I can see you really do not want to lose her.
You really do not realise what you have until you have lost it. I know you would regret it later in life if you do part. You will always look back and wonder what might have been.
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): I appreciate your honesty, dear. Your words are telling me that you care about her as more of a friend..than a lover. It's obvious you don't love her-so why are you hanging onto her. If you truely loved her, her past, her age would not matter to you. You know this and I think you should be honest with her and tell her how you really, really feel. Do not be one of those people who want to continue with the safety of an exclusive relationship with someone they don't love, until a better offer comes along. This is often known as "trying to have one’s cake and eat it, too" and not to mention, playing with another's emotions and using them. Her feelings will only deepen for you over time and you must make the break asap. If you don't then what happens is pity rather than love, will often become a huge componenet on your part, and we all know what that will eventually do to your relationship with her. Dear, you gave this a good, honest shot..it's not working..please be honest and tell her that. The sooner the better. Hanging onto her and feeling this way is very selfish and cruel..don't be that way. Let her go..she deserves someone who loves her as much as she can love them. You aren't the one for her. She will heal and recover. She will find someone..I can assure you. Women that giving and loving, often do. Good luck and all the best.
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male
reader, Yos  +, writes (4 December 2006):
 In a way I know how you feel. My girlfriend is a bit older than me, she too has a past that's been very hard for me to swallow, and intellectually we are very different (I tend towards extreme-rational, she tends towards extreme-emotional). And she is utterly in love with me. And I feel that I am too, much of the time.
But sometimes I get the feeling of being trapped. Realising how dependent she is on me makes me freak out. Thinking 'this could really be the one' can set off a chain reaction that results in me feeling like I have to run for the hills. Knowing that if we stay together we'll likely be married with children within 2 years is incredibly scary. I get the distinct urge to find a girl younger than me who will not be looking for a family or commitment right away.
I think as men we have a part of us that is programmed not to settle. To always have one eye on the horizon going 'what if...'. And I think one of our biggest inner battles we have to fight in our lives is to finally quieten that part of ourselves, and to commit. It is always possible that there could be someone 'better' out there for us than the person we are with, but if you take that attitude you will never settle, and end up with nothing. At some point you have to draw the line and say 'no more'.
If you have someone you love and you two work well together, then the rest is effort. No matter how perfect the match, a good relationship always takes work, and sometimes that 'work' comprises quieting your own doubts and not giving in to the temptation to run, to remember the saying 'the grass is always greener' hold true of relationships too.
I'm not sure how helpful this answer is, other than to say that you're not alone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): i understand the feeling of needing to be loved but i also think that love dont conquer all... if u really loved this woman then you wouldnt be questioning your feelings for her in the first place... i think you should just be friends and that way she will still make you feel loved, she will still be in your life as you said she is a sweet person but the most important thing is you will have a chance to be true to yourself and find someone that you can fall inlove with and feel right about it.
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reader, gustavia  +, writes (4 December 2006):
in a relationship, there is always the one that person that loves more than the other. if you've talked about how things are going and she's ok with how you feel, than continue the relationship--until you or she is ready to make a change, (ie, you grow to love her, or she grows up and realizes you're not the one for her) if she's wanting more from you, and you can't give it, you should let her know ASAP. this is an interesting question, keep us posted on the outcome.
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female
reader, scorpiomac4 +, writes (4 December 2006):
I think when you find youself in a situation like this you start questioning things. Firstly, everyone has a past, some are really difficult to understand/accept etc but a past forms the person they are today. Are you starting to question why you're with this woman and picking up things you wouldn't normally. It sounds to me you are quite scared of the possibilty of spending your life with this woman. Different views on life can sometimes be a good thing, it gives you something to talk about, unless your ideas are completely different like she wants kids and you don't, then it can become a problem. She may not be as intellectual as you on some levels but she probably is on others. Stop thinking so much and go with the flow... howver be cautious staying with her for the wrong reasons, as you mentioned finding someone else with the qualities she has. I split with a guy who was perfect, marriage material, treated me like a queen, but it wasn't right so I broke it off, I was more or less single for five years until I met the man I'm with now. He treats me like a queen and I believe fate brought us together. Sometimes you have to do what feels right in your gut, it's scary, but everything happens for a reason and works itself out...
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reader, sophielegs +, writes (4 December 2006):
 I have no doubt that you love this women as a person, but have you thought maybe your not in love with her. Also Im getting the impression your with her because its a safe option, as you said she loves you unconditionaly and she would do anything for you. If all this is true then I really dont think the relationship would work.
I do think whatever happens you should be honest and tell her how you feel.
Good Luck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): I think you sound a bit mixed up. You realise you have a woman who loves you totally yet there are too many IFS. I really don't think you can commit 100% to this person and you know it or you wouldn't be asking this question. You would give her all of you without doubt. No, I don't think you two are ment for each other, right now. Maybe if you had met her in the future when you are older, but not right now. You mention the fact that she is a bit older than you. Age is nothing! just a number. If there are any parts about a person that you don't like, then you wouldn't notice them if you were truly in love with her, which i don't think you are. Have that chat and walk away. She will be devasted for a time but both of you will get over it. You will both meet someone who you both love and get the same amount and quality of love back. I wish you well.
Take care
xx
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): she deserves someone who loves her as much as she loves them. if you can't give that to her (and it seems clear that you can't), you should let her go.
it is hard to let go of someone who loves you so much. and sometimes it's our own stupidity and immaturity that keeps us from being ready to accept their love b/c we're hung up on things that don't really matter. then again, sometimes we're hung up on things that matter a great deal. you may or may not know the difference, but at this point, it's really irrelevant. have the decency to do what's fair to her, b/c she loves you too much to do it herself.
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reader, moomoomoo  +, writes (4 December 2006):
 oh that's a tough one, i'm not sure what to make of it but i think you should realize that when you let these feelings of things you don't like stay there, it will grow.. it also seems you're not satisfied. hopefully more people will post advice but i think , and i wouldn't really consider it selfishness
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