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female
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anonymous
writes: I am very confused about my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 months. For example, if someone said to you after you had sex together for the first time that they weren’t sure if they were in love with you or not, what would u do given that is only early days? Stay with them in the hope that they fall in love with you or split up with them? I would appreciate your advice as to what is going on here and how we can get back on track. We were close friends for 9 months before we became bf/gf. I’m 31; he’s 23. I have only been with one man prior to that which lasted a year when I was 19 yrs old. I always bolt at the first sign of things getting heavy which I don’t want to do anymore.I have been helping by bf to get over his ex-fiancee who lied/cheated on him. He claims he is over her yet she crops up in his conversations all the time and he said that he wanted to meet up with her to find out what was going on with her and her new man. He didn’t in the end (his choice), but the fact that he WANTED TO suggests he is not over her. At the beginning of November, my bf and I had sex together for the first time which was amazing He was a very considerate lover; however half way through he withdrew without explaining why and said he needed to use the bathroom. We then lay in bed together and he was really chatty. He asked me if i liked him or was in love with him and I said I thought the man should say how he feels first. He then said to me he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me or not and you can’t tell until at least 3 months if you’re in love or not. (Given how hurt he was by his ex-fiancee, I wonder if he didn’t want to divulge his feelings for me for fear of getting hurt or rejected). I was totally shocked at what he said as I had told him in the past that I only make love when I am in love and he agreed with this. I can’t quite believe he had sex with me if he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me or not. He then proceeded to go on about how amazing his ex-girlfriend was. I could have handled the fact these things better if he hadn’t picked the most inappropriate time to tell me all this - straight after we had sex for the first time. I didn’t get all emotional on him because I felt I needed some time to digest what he said and didn’t want to say anything impulsively so I just said I appreciate your honesty. He cuddled me during the night but not as much as he had done previously. I left for work the following morning and then I heard nothing from him for a while. 4 days later, our mums were talking and my Mum mentioned to his that I hadn’t heard from him. A few hours later he texted me. We met up and he asked me if I thought he was avoiding me and I said yes (because 4 days is the longest time we haven’t seen each other). He didn’t answer that. I can’t help thinking that had it not been for his mum then he wouldn’t have bothered contacting me.We both seem to have freaked out since the sex and haven’t done it since. I love him to bits but my feelings have diminished slightly because I feel let down by him and my barriers have gone up yet again because I think he is going to hurt me. I think his barriers have gone up too. We have been seeing each other alot and I have been staying over his house again and he has been cuddling me alot during the night again and saying he misses me. He has been making plans for us next year so he seems to be thinking of us as long term. He has started to become more considerate in a lot of ways since we started going out, asking me where I want to go, my opinions, but there is another less attractive side (like all people have) that I don’t know how to deal with. His humour is such that you have to know how to handle it and a couple of times I have been upset although I haven’t let him see this. He has been talking about sex alot. I keep thinking he is only one thing but that doesn’t seem to the case. If anything I am the one feeling slightly frustrated. When I started to kiss him the other night, after HE mentioned it I might add, he didn’t respond and then said what time did I want to go home!! I don’t understand it!!! He seems to keeping me at arms length and pushing me away. He has mentioned a couple of times he hasn’t had sex since his ex-girlfriend and that his sex drive has vanished. If he says it again, I will have to say something - WE’VE had sex!!!He does ask me questions about myself but quite rarely unless it is about sex. He does pay me compliments calling me sexy but again quite rarely but he happily mentions the attractiveness of other girls. I actually think the lack of compliments is more to do with his lack of self-esteem. I have noticed he can compliment people behind their backs but not to their face. I don’t mind him talking about his ex, sex, other girls but I want that to be a very small part of our relationship and I want to feel like I am the most special girl in his life.
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female
reader, pica +, writes (4 December 2006):
You have been single for years and possibly the idea of a man, any man, will have taken on unbelievable / unrealistic expectations. That's why you bolt. But he's just a guy, and a guy with some baggage at that. I don't think he is over his ex but you shouldn't see your role as helping him to get over her. Sure you'd want that to happen, but more or less in the background. You're not his counsellor - all very well to talk and get to know each other, but you might want to let him know the relationship is about you two, not him & her. Having said all this, there's no reason why you shouldn't both enjoy seeing each other - go out, stay in, have fun. It doesn't have to be earth-shattering mad passionate love 24/7, it could just be two people enjoying each other's company. I agree that you shouldn't get too involved but I think you deserve some fun and I hope you can have it with him.
A
female
reader, scorpiomac4 +, writes (4 December 2006):
You have to remember he is 23, men don't mature as fast as women. To be brutally honest I'd say he's not over his ex, which he wouldn't be if she hurt him etc. I think its great your view on sex and how you're in love before doing anything heavy, however not all people share your attitude. I think you're right in that he's insecure and unconfident which could be one of the reasons he see's you but keeps you at arms length, he likes the attention you give him. If he's been with his ex for a while he may be scared to be single again. I hate to say it but it sounds like your wasting your time and energy, you deserve someone who will treat you like a queen, not someone who will play mind games and insult you. If I was his gf and he said his sex drive has vanished I would be so offended. I can't believe you haven't already said something. Please don't let yourself be a doormat, I've done that, I made excuses for the guy (which if you read your question you'll see your doing), and I just ended up hurting myself. You don't deserve to be someones rebound, get rid of this guy as a potential bf and go out and find a real man that will tell you how sexy AND beautiful you are and who will appreciate your obviously sweet and patient nature... Wish you all the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 December 2006): I dont think at 3 months there is anything wrong in someone not knowing if they love you or not yet. Love can take a while to grow, I know myself i would rather say nothing than say it when i didnt truly believe it. In this case it is good that your boyfriend can be honest about it.
However from what you say, I do think you should keep your guard up, this guy seems not to be a simple character. In the wise words of my mum 'steel your heart dear'.
I believe your man should be treating you wonderfully, especially at just 3 months into the relationship. He should be asking you questions and he should not be talking about his ex. The only person who can get him over his ex is himself. If you can I would try to avoid mentioning his ex and then if he does just say youd rather talk about something else. We have friends and family to talk about exes with if we need to, I dont think it is right to be discussing it all the time with your new partner. I guess this might just be my opinion though.
Ive learnt the key to a good relationship is communication. If you can I would try to talk to him about how you feel and what is bothering you. If he doesnt know about what bothers you then he cant do anything to change it. If he knows and still doesnt bother to do anything about it will tell you something about him and how he will treat you in the future when the relationship isnt so new.
good luck.
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