A
male
age
41-50,
*acobl
writes:My girlfriend of 2.5+ years is an aesthetician. Included in her duties are the occasional bacial (men’s back massage/skin treatment) and men’s facial, which includes an oiled up shoulder massage. When we first began dating she was very controlling and told me she felt it was wrong for a man and a woman to be alone together at all. I reluctantly conceded under the pretense that we were going to play by the same rules. She soon after completed training as an aesthetician and magically her moral code changed. It was then ok to be alone with and touch another man, an undressed man. Needless to say I was/am angered by this. Until now I swallowed my pride and accepted that it was her profession and not inappropriate. Recently I was laid off and am considering personal training in the interim between jobs. My girlfriend said she would break up with me if I started training because she wouldn’t accept me touching other women. I don’t know the best way to handle this situation or how to show her how selfish and hypocritical she is. Or maybe I’m in the wrong altogether. Suggestions/Opinions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): If anyone says they will "break up with you IF..." I'm inclined to believe they are either completely sincere or completely manipulative. People only say this when they specificy a sincere deal breaker...or they are just trying to control you.
Call her bluff. You were laid off...it's happened to me too....do what you need to do to take care of yourself, even if that includes personal training. You're right, she's got a double standard and it's unreasonable of her to indulge her insecurities when you have had to swallow your pride for her career choices.
If she in fact decides to leave you (which I doubt she will...she'll likely just throw a tantrum) I think you'll find better women (...and maybe on the job :)
Good luck.
A
male
reader, spinnaker +, writes (2 June 2011):
 With any profession including personal training, massage therapy, counseling or any other thing that requires 1 on 1 contact oftentimes with people of opposite genders, there are professional codes of conduct.
I would hope she is aware of that in her professions.
As a soon to be licensed massage therapist myself I have had every body type under the sun on my table and quite frankly all I really see is a lump of soft tissue. I am a professional at what I do for the people - outsiders of these types of fields have a tough time understanding that.
By way of for instance - my ex GF (GF at the time) wanted me to give her a "sexy massage" and I said no. She got mad because in her mind I was not able to differ between professional and personal. I simply said if I give her a sexy massage and that becomes her idea of what massage is - what would she be thinking I am doing with my clients?
To make the point even further - most of these professions that require state licenses or membership in some professional society have provisions in there regarding work with a significant other. Some outright forbid that sort of thing because of the dual roll it creates. This is all to protect the licensee from frivolous charges that would ruin that person's career.
To your question: you should remind your girlfriend that you too as a personal trainer will be bound by professional codes of conduct just like she is in her trades. If she has a tough time with that then let her break up with you - because if that is the case she is neither a professional nor is she mature enough to be in the fields she is in.
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A
female
reader, Inspiration!  +, writes (2 June 2011):
I think that its highly comendable of you to accept the fact that her job entails her to require touching naked men, and that you've come to terms with it, it cant be easy for you.Also, if you are mature enough to accept her then why can't this be reciprocated?Equally, a personal trainer is much less 'touchy-feely' than an aesthetician - so your girlfriend should be able to come to terms with this. Maybe you should express your concerns to your girlfriend, because she may well not understand how you are feeling. However, if she still sticks to her guns about not wanting you to follow your personal trainer ambition then perhaps you should consider finding yourself a better and more healthy relationship, but working things out is of course Plan A.Hope this helps you!
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A
female
reader, jdd +, writes (2 June 2011):
You are not wrong. Definitely a double standard. Would she prefer you be unemployed? Would she rather you damage your credit and not get your bills paid? Would she rather you have all day to do what....? You aren't wanting to go out and hang out with a girl on a social basis or in a bar. You want to be employed and you would be interacting w/ you clients much less than she does. I have 3 theories --- Is she that insecure? -- Did she bring baggage into your relationship and are you now paying for some other mans mistakes? -- Last, sometimes if a person is guilty of crossing a line them self, then they expect that the other person would do the same?
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (2 June 2011):
Tell her you're going to do what's right for your professional life and that it's nothing but professional. Tell her that you're not going to explain yourself to her and she doesn't need to explain herself to you. Don't play the jealousy game and care whether she rubs another man's shoulders. It doesn't matter.
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A
female
reader, Smileypants +, writes (2 June 2011):
 It's OK for a aesthetician to touch her clients. It's her job, what she's supposed to do. It's OK for a PT to touch his clients. It's his job, what he's supposed to do. The fact that there is any problems over this suggests some growing up needs to be done. Actually her job is much more touching, and much more intimate than your potential job as a PT. I say go get your training, and if she follows through and breaks up, BUH BYE!! Yes, this is very hypocritical. If you are considering a future with her (marriage), expect this part of her personality not to change. It will probably intensify....I think she needs to grow up. Thses jobs do require touching- BUT life isn't a porno, and it's pretty unlikely that either of you would end up in a bow-chicka-wow-wow moment with a client.Run!! Lol
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2011):
 "it's different"
my reply would be "how is it different"
and to her possible "it just is" you have to say
"unless you can give me valid rational points as to why it's different, I'm going to have to disagree and do what I think it best for me"
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A
female
reader, kylieekristina +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Your right, she's wrong....you have delt with her work for this long now its her turn. PERIOD. I'm an exotic dancer and my boyfriend knows guys touch me at times, i touch them all the time, but that doesnt mean he will go out and do what I'm doing at work. If he wanted to dance I would have to accept it....(but I wouldn't want to) I think she just needs to realize how crazy and unfair she is acting.....I went as far as telling my boyfriend he wasnt allowed to bounce in the strip clubs (but I work at them) lol I realized I was being ridiculus....sometimes our love and jealousy take over our brains....be open and honest with her, give her a chance to wake up
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Tisha, if I'd been drinking coffee when I read that you'd owe me a keyboard. Still laughing ....
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A
male
reader, jacobl +, writes (2 June 2011):
jacobl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWhen asked how she expects what she doesn't offer she simply replies it's "different" without hesitation.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2011):
she is at minimum hypocritical.
did you ask her why it's ok for her to do it but not you?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Um. Right. She's controlling and hypocritical. And you are with her because......????
Run, Forrest, RUN!
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