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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Do you think it's bad if a man has two kids by two women ?. I have just met this man, and he has a 12 year old son with one woman, and a one year old daughter with another woman. He is single at the moment though. I don't have any children. I'm not sure how long he has been single, but i guess i need to ask him that, and ask if there is no possibility that he would go back with the woman he had the one year old daughter with , as it wouldn't have been that long ago when he was with her . Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (3 June 2011):
 as you have only known him for a week maybe you should get out of the situation before you get more involved, as there are big issues here that will cause problems - maybe you would be more suited to a guy who does not have kids already so you won't have to worry about baby-mommas and him maybe not wanting more kids when you do. you are contemplating getting into a bit of a relationship which is giving you doubts already!
word of advice: judge him on his actions with regards to his kids rather than what he says. i know men who say they love their kids and yeah, maybe they do (in their own way) BUT they don't put those kids first ahead of their own happiness/new girlfriend/social life/finances.
so if you see him skip child payments, let the kids down when he is supposed to be seeing them, argue with their mothers in front of the kids, not take much interest in them while he is looking after them - then you will KNOW if he means it when he says he 'loves them to bits' or not.
my ex has got 2 kids with 2 different women, the first with me and then after we split he met someone who got pregnant slyly even though he had told her the relationship was not working and he never wanted anymore children. i cannot think of him as a BAD person, just one who has made error of judgement, shall we say, it should not mean he never has the chance to have a relationship again but i suspect that some women he meets now will have the same doubts about him as you do with your man. of note my ex only pays me a meagre amount of child maintenance (says that's all he can afford) only sees our son once a month (even though he only lives in the next town) always has an excuse if i ask him to change the night he looks after our son if i am making plans to go out somewhere and ask him to babysit, does not see his 2nd child at all and has not done for years as there was some argument going on between him and the little girls mother, so they moved out of town, they are now back and the girls mum wants to resume contact and child payments and my ex is doing all he can to wriggle out of this responsibility.
my ex crows to all who will listen that he loves our son, but his actions speak differently, so look out for signs like this with your man
x
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Thanks for your replies everyone. I hope he isn't bouncing from one woman to the next , and that the other women may have got pregnant by accident, or that he was in relationships with htem but they just failed. I'm not sure if he has been married. The reason i know that he has two children is that he has put photos of them on hs ifacebook page and mentioned who they were. He only told me about hsi son last week, as he mentioned that his son was visiting him. Infact, i only met this guy last week, so there is still a lot i need to find out yet. I do want to see him again though. Both of the mothers of his children are on his friends list on facebook ( he added me on there today too ) and i have read some comments that they have left on his page, and it seems as though he is still friends with them both. He also mentions on his facebook that he loves his children to bits, so he does seem like a nice guy. I know it may be possible that he won't want any more children though, which might be a problem for me as i might want them some day. I don't think it's bad when people remarry and have children ( my dad had my two half brothers with his first wife, me and my brother with our mum, who was his second wife, and now he is married again ! ) , but there is just something that makes me feel a bit wary of people who have children with different women who they aren't married too. Obviously, i will need to discuss this more with him in person too. I just wanted to add that his daughter is actually nearly two years old. So he might have been split uo from her mother for a while, but i need to find out how long he was with both of the mothers. It doesn't look good really if he doesn't stay in relationships for long. I am quite worried about sharing him with his exes, but i know he has a bond with both of them for life now.As long as he doesn't want to get back with either of them, and as long as they are kind towards me too, it should be ok. I know it could also mean that i might not get to see him much too, but i understand and agree that his children should be his first priority.I know the mothers would have something to say about me being around their kids, but do you think they would say anything else about our relationship in general ?. I know that he would also watch how i am with his kids too, but i would treat them as if they were my own, if it gets to that stage. Only time will tell.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2011): Bad that is an understatement my ex has 3 kids 3 women and im afraid im 1 of them
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 Do you want kids yourself, and are you willing to share your man with these other women? Not sexually, but they will have a huge impact on his life, he'll meet them often, and you'll be prioritized after the children. Their mothers will also have a lot to say for your relationship. And if you have children with him, they will have half-siblings whom they rarely will meet.
How do you feel about that? It's not necessarily bad, but unless all you want with him is play and fun, you need to think ahead if this man can give you what you're looking for. If you want marriage and a family, he might not be the one for you.
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A
female
reader, llifton  +, writes (2 June 2011):
 no i don't think it's bad. but that's just me. i have no children, but the person i'm with has a son from a previous relationship and i love him like my own. so i see it as a blessing rather than a bad thing.
i mean, don't get me wrong. i understand your hesitation about him. but i would give it a chance. doesn't make him a bad guy.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (2 June 2011):
it does not necessarily make him a bad person. look at other aspects of his personality too. does he financially support his children? does he see them? is he a good father? is he respectful to them and their mothers? (one day you may end up having a child with him)
men do not always get a choice in whether they have children or not. if the woman wants a child and 'forgets to take their pill' for instance.
are you in a sexual relationship with him and if so do you find he has a careless attitude to contraception?
if you are concerned that he has not been away from his one year old's mother very long, you should take things extremely slow and cautiously. protect yourself until you are sure of him and sure that you are not a rebound girl or getting caught in the middle of their unfinished business
x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): Just a tip: Use birth control with him. Every time.
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A
male
reader, Universe Man +, writes (2 June 2011):
The fact alone doesn't matter. You don't know the backstory. Maybe he was just unlucky getting two women pregnant and both relationships were totally incompatible.
What matters is his relationships with his kids and his relationships with his exes. Does he care about his kids and want to spend a lot of time with them? Does he have grown-up civil relationships with the mothers? What look crosses his face when he thinks of them? What words does he use when he talks about them? It's entirely possible that he is a great father to both kids and a great friend to both women. The opposite is also possible.
You should want a man to want to spend time with his one-year-old daughter, and that will probably mean spending a lot of time with the mother, so beware of that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 June 2011): It's not that bad, but I see that as a red flag. I personally wouldn't get involved with a man who has two kids. Especially with two different women.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (2 June 2011):
 was he married to the two women?
or one of them?
there's a big gap in ages of the kids.
much more info is needed.
is it bad when a woman marries a man has a child with him and then divorces later on and remarries and has another child?
personally i have an issue with children out of wedlock but that's just my personal bias.
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