A
male
age
36-40,
*dt30
writes:I am 30 years old and been married for 9 years. I was a virgin when we got married and she told me she was the same. Till after 8 years of marriage and 3 kids later she tells me that she gave out 20 or 30 blowjobs to two guys before me and she said they were naked during those times but aex never came up? I'm upset and want to forgive my wife for this betrayal. How do I get over this and was my wife a virgin before marriage? And do I really believe her when she says nothing really happened?
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male
reader, pdt30 +, writes (20 May 2015):
pdt30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo cattycat thank you for you reply. And you s he was one of the guys she messed around with before she met me. He was the one who she thew in my face all the time after we were married saying she gave him up for me. She was lonely the first few years of our marriage cause we moved out of state and she didn't have any friends she still wanted to talk to him and that's what our fight would be about cause I didn't understand why she couldn't give him up. She didn't want to forget her past and if I hadn't thrown such a fit about him she would still be friends with him. How do you think I would've taken the lie all those years with her still being friends with the guy and mabey even I became friends with him I think that I would've felt even more betrayed. You have to under stand that I love my wife and I'll never forget it but I'm moving on now but I'm still hurt. Feel cheated. I put up with a lot of crap from all friends my whole life so I could be a virgin for my wife. And I really never had anykind of sexual experience before her. But thanks for your comments.
A
female
reader, CattyCat  +, writes (7 March 2015):
 She was still talking to one of them two weeks before we got married. She said that they had done nothing and were friends we got in a fight and she stopped talking to him only to throw him in my face a few times later after we were married. After she told me about the lie she tried to blame me for it because I new her at the time and was interested in her but never asked her out. I just wantto fix this and forgive my wife.It sounds like you're nitpicking. She told you the truth and you have now obsessed. Are you really surprised that now she is reacting negatively? Saying her past is none of your business? She may have done that three days before she got with you, BUT in her defense, who she was with when she did it, she obviously didn't feel a connection with, hence why it was left where it was and she moved on. Three days later, she hits it off with you and doesn't look back. Do you honestly think your wife at that time had any idea of what the future would entail or her choices? She made a mistake and put it out of her mind, then she meet's the man of her life 3 days later, and hasn't looked back since. The person she was still talking to 2 weeks before your wedding, was that one of the guys she said she had done stuff with? Or just someone she was friends with? I don't see how she tried to blame you for it? She was open with you, everyone has a past before they settle down. I still think you're obsessing a little.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2015):
 I don't agree with her actions or her telling you this NOW, just so SHE can get rid of a guilty conscience.
To me a virgin haven't had sex (any kind of sex) and YES ORAL SEX is sex. BUT many people sees penetration (penis in vagina) as the definition of being a virgin or not.
This is why there are women out there like your wife "calling" themselves virgins even if they had oral or even anal sex.
I think she didn't come clean when you first started dating because she WANTED to be this PURE girl YOU wanted her to be. She wanted to BE the GOOD girl, the girl of YOUR dreams. She also knew that you wouldn't see 20-30 blowjobs as no big deal. Because to many IT IS.
However, HERE you are. It's in the past. And there is NO way either of you can change the past, all you can do is decide if you want to move forward together or apart.
If you are a Christian, I don't need to tell you that the FOUNDATION of Christianity is forgiveness and NOT judging others. Right?
Maybe you two should consider a mediator, a couple counselor so you can find a way to deal with it. Maybe through church?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 January 2015): A man complains about his wife lying about her past. Female aunts say, "I'm sure you didn't tell everything about yourself either."
I call bullshit on this assumption. Women always make it when a chaste man has a problem with his lying wife but its not right.
A male slut might sleep with 50 women and claim its only 15. But thats a different situation from this one. Men who claim to have strong moral principles on chastity practically ALWAYS live by it. Rarely do you find men lying to fool virgin partners into marriages the way you find women doing it. That is the cruelest kind of sexual history lie and men are not equally guilty of it. Not at all.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (26 January 2015):
 Have you considered talking to a therapist? You mention you do not have anyone to talk to about this, and yet talking about it is exactly what you should do. A therapist wont necessarily cost a lot of money, and you won't need to go often either, just so you can lift this burden off your chest. It might be you will feel better after just one session, or maybe just three. Talking helps, and right now you are going through something very painful. Airing out your thoughts to someone else will help you understand how you feel, and help you see more clearly what you should do next.
Talking helps. So if you have no good friend you can confide in, then I will ask you to consider a therapist. When we go through rough paths in life, talking to someone who's heard these things before, who is trained in hearing the truth, and who is bound by confidentiality, really does help. I've seen therapists on various occasions in my life, and it always helped a great deal. It made life easier. I think it will also help you in overcoming this crisis.
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A
male
reader, pdt30 +, writes (26 January 2015):
pdt30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest she was my first experience with a woman. I had two other girlfriends before her and they both cheated on me because I wouldn't do any thing with them they didn't understand me. See I was raised in a strick Christan home and was looking for someone like me I thought that if I could give my future wife any thing it would be that. I had to put up with a lot of crap my whole life to accomplish this. And looked a long time for her I love her more than any thing on this earth besides my three boys. I just needed to hear something from someone else. Because she won't talk to me about it. And I have no one to talk to about my pain. She told me that the only reason she told me because she didn't want to go to hell for lying to me. And yes she did lie to me on the most important day of my life at that time. It just breaks my heart to have the one person you're supposed to trust in this world and have them look you in your eyes and lie...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): She did you wrong.
On principle, you SHOULD "use this as a punishing tool" because her lies punished you back then and they will continue to punish you in the future.
You made sacrifices and she didn't. You might have wanted to go be more promiscuous yourself if you had known you would eventually be forced to overlook & forgive this kind of behavior anyway. She had to lie to fit into your moral boundaries then so she will never fit into them again after the truth comes out. This cute permanent little ache in your psyche is entirely her fault.
Few things are more humiliating for a guy than being in the dark about how promiscuous his girl has really been (or is still being!) Women don't always appreciate how much their lies & promiscuity affect their man's respect among other men. You might not have wanted to date her back then if you had known the whole truth. You were manipulated.
But a happy, healthy marriage is not built on punishing. It's built on understanding and forgiveness. You don't want to be harboring hurt & resentment about this for the rest of your life any more than she wants it. The problem is that your self-respect and morals demand it now. So please, please don't deny your hurt & anger & betrayal. Don't bury it. These feelings are right and justified. You both need to agree on that.
I hope you can forgive her but forgiveness cannot begin if the wrongdoing is still being denied. Your wife needs to fully understand how much this hurt you, and that it always will for the rest of your life. Only then can the process of forgiveness even have a chance.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (25 January 2015):
 How did this issue come up, and why did it take 8 years inside of a marriage for that to happen?? In stories like these, that's always the first thing I think about, because that's very interesting for the context of the past to come up.
I think in this case, there's the "letter of the law" versus the "spirit of the law". The letter of the law was that technically, she didn't lie to you and WAS a virgin when you married her.
But I feel for you because the spirit of the law is that what you were trying to find out was whether or not she was INNOCENT and lacked experience when you met her. In that case, no, she had experience with other guys. She had two relationships prior to yours where, to preserve her virginity, she practiced "Outercourse".
We'll get to her continued contact with one of those guys in a second, because in that case, I'd be really feeling betrayed too if my fiance were secretly keeping contact with an ex, which is disloyal to you.
NOW - before you get all upset over her past oral activities with past exes, let me ask you some pointed questions, because I've heard of guys who get retroactively jealous over stuff like this and totally overlook their own activities which they may not have seen in the same non-innocent light.
Before you met and married her, were you a user of porn?? To a girl, that would seem like your loss of innocence as well, even though technically, you'd have still been a virgin. Did you not have any sort of a relationship before you met her? You didn't kiss or feel up another woman before you met your wife?? I'd find that hard to believe, to be honest. THough, my own husband was inexperienced when we met...I was his first girlfriend. I was very honest with him about my past.
I think the issue of her past relationships and the oral activities should remain in the past. THey were before you met her, and you are her first sex partner and the mother of your three children. In a sense, what she did was kinda sad, because she did what she did to try to placate these other guys while saving herself for her husband, who is YOU. Do you think we spontaneously have orgasms from sucking other guys off? Not hardly! It's an acquired taste, and isn't done for our own personal pleasure. The pleasure WE get out of it is the power we have over the guy we're doing it to, and if you love a guy, it's to please him...rendering the guy you love utterly helpless, edging him to the brink for as long as possible, and then sending him into the throes of ecstasy is an ego boost to the Nth degree! Well, it is to me.
You have a bigger issue. I think you need to have some couples counseling with your wife and a therapist, and not because of her past oral experience. There are conflicting values here and resentment has built on both sides. The issue of her keeping her ex around during your relationship should be addressed and worked through WITH a third party, because her blaming things on you not asking her out is a cop out. However, with 3 kids, you both owe it to each other to find out what other assumptions have been messing up your relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 January 2015): are you upset because she was with someone else before you or because she lied/withheld information? these two are different issues.
Also, did she try to hide that? when she first gave you a blowjob did nt you notice that it wasn't her first time doing it? I assume you need to learn how to give a blowjob.I've never done oral and I have no idea how to do it, even though i see it on TV all the time
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A
female
reader, CattyCat +, writes (24 January 2015):
If it was just oral sex, then she was still a virgin.
Yes she kept it from you before you got together, but did you honestly tell her everything about yourself before you met her? Part of being in a relationship is finding out everything about one another. If this is how you act about one thing, she may not feel comfortable sharing with you again.
She is the mother of your children and your soul mate. Focus on getting back on track instead of using this as a punishing tool.
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A
male
reader, pdt30 +, writes (24 January 2015):
pdt30 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell she told me that her past was none of my business and she had done it about three days before we got together. She was still talking to one of them two weeks before we got married. She said that they had done nothing and were friends we got in a fight and she stopped talking to him only to throw him in my face a few times later after we were married. After she told me about the lie she tried to blame me for it because I new her at the time and was interested in her but never asked her out. I just want
to fix this and forgive my wife.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (24 January 2015):
Sounds like you just talked about the actual intercourse, which is what is typically used as the line between "virgin" and not. Yes hadn't had intercourse, so yes she was a virgin. But she did have sex. However, not all people, your wife including, counts oral sex as loss of virginity. The term "virginity" is widely understood as "not penetrated vagina".
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A
female
reader, WhenCowsAttack +, writes (24 January 2015):
Yes, she was still a virgin.
Having a history is not a betrayal, but if she lied to you all of these years then that certainly is, and that is the part you need to focus on. I do not believe you should punish her for her history, but I do think you should try to get to the bottom of the lying if that is what happened.
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A
female
reader, Midnight Shadow +, writes (24 January 2015):
 Virgin means no penis-vagina penetration (or as close as, if in a homosexual relationship).
20 - 30 blowjobs sounds "bad" for someone who wanted to stay a virgin, but then you find out it's only two people and it's not major; some people can accept oral with nothing else, for a while at least.
It's been so long, it really shouldn't bother you know, but I understand that this is new information for you, so it feels like it just happened.
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A
female
reader, Pureflame  +, writes (24 January 2015):
its before your wedding. get over it.. its in the past, so let it be. plus she dint betray you. she was a virgin. n technically you werent in her life when that happened.
relax n let it be.. you have a beautiful family. dont let past get in d way
good luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2015): honestly it was 30 years ago let it go yes it was a shock to here that but still its not worth it to keep going on an on at her 30 years and three kids down the pan is that what you want ??? no ? so just tell her you wish she told you sooner but you still love her
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