A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello,I am flattened by emotions right now and need a little advice. Today I learned that my girlfriend of 6 1/2 years had a one-night stand about 3 months ago. She tells she was wasted and doesn't even remember how it happened. I am very confused and trying to find some clarity in all of this. I've always thought "if my girlfriend ever cheats, I am gone!" Now that I'm confronted with it... I don't know how to act. I deeply love my girlfriend as she is my high school sweetheart, so I've never really had any other long terms relationships. My head says drop her like a rock... but I love her. We've made a life together and I’ve never thought this would happen. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to forgive this breach of trust, and I know I'll never forget. My girlfriend has hurt me badly; but I know she is truly sorry for what she did and I know she is hurting too. It's kind of tearing me up inside knowing that I thought she was all mine, but now somebody else has had her too.What should I do? Should I stay or should I leave? My whole world has just changed in a matter of a few hours. Any advice or feedback would be great because I'm lost right now.Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2008): Keep her - we all make mistakes - but if she does it again - drop her. I'm assuming from your post that she told you about this - you didn't find out from someone else?
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 February 2008): Keep her. We all regret things we did at some point in our lives. Don't throw it all away if she loves you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2007): From a woman's perspective, dump her. That's inexcusable. The whole "I was drunk" thing is a pathetic excuse and should not be accepted. I've been toasted and have NEVER EVER done that. You still KNOW better, drunk or not. The trust is broken and likely will never be repaired of the way it was before. It will be hard, but move on. Shes a total JERK to do that to you and you deserve better. Best of luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 October 2007): you guys have been going out for six and a half years, don't let her go. it'd be diffrent if you were only going out for a few months.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): By the way, DON'T run out & hump someone else to "even the score."
Even if you ultimately decide you need to this, doing it impulsively is virtually always a bad idea. Give things some real time to settle before you whip it out with anyone else no matter what you do.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): Drop her. Like a rock.
The world is full of cheaters who just got too drunk and then regret the whole thing terribly for years to come.
But some people do it over and over again, don't they? It "just happens" every couple of weeks for some people, doesn't it? And yet there are also a ton of people who somehow manage NOT to get drunk and cheat a single time in their life, aren't there? Funny how that works.
SO you say it's the same GF from high school, huh? Dump her. I hate to be harsh, but honestly everyone I've ever known has thought their high school BF/GF was the best partner they could ever imagine. Most of them stayed with them through a lot of sh*t that they would NEVER have tolerated in retrospect. And just a couple of years later, they're kicking themselves for wasting so much of their youth on people whom they care about but just weren't worth giving so much of their young lives to. I'm not saying your GF is necessarily in that category automatically, but be aware of the fact that right now you simply cannot make an informed decision when weighing her against the idea of finding someone else you'd rather be with.
Dump her. Even if she never does it again, you'll never forget it.
And this also might be the sign of things to come. You're being tested here whether the two of you realize it or not. She wronged you in a BIG way. What do you do? If the answer turns out to be that you'll forgive this scott-free, then she's that much more likely to do it again. (And if you hold a grudge against her for years to come, she'll feel less-loved and less equal to you. And that will make some other male's affection SO much more attractive if it suddenly begins to show up on the side . . . )
She'll never allow herself to believe that this kind of power shift is at work (because she's probably very sorry and she doesn't consciously want it to be this way at all any more than you do), BUT IT IS.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): Hey, man that sux. I'm totally sorry for all this. If my girlfriend of 1 1/2 had a one night stand I would break. I would leave her no matter how hard it would be because it's never going to be the same, you'll never see her her the same. Let me know what's going on. Eli
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): i don't know if you you should give her another chance, or you better move on with someone who you think might give you what you want. because everytime you make an argue with her you will throw it back to her face which that is very hurtful. But if you're the type of person that can re-gain your trust and respect inspite of the senario. that's the time to get start all over again...
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A
female
reader, angelblueeyes  +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Hi,
Firstly i know how you g/f must be feeling i have been in this situation i cheated on my patner we have been together for 14 years. Yes were still together it's been hard but if you love her as much as you say you do it will work it takes time and both of you have to work at it, there is one thing you have to remember you have to forget the past and start living in the future, i know how hard it is but if every time you argue you throw it back in her face your both going to misserable and thats not going to get you anywhere, you have to sit down and discuss both of your feelings and work thro it, truthfully would you have rather she hadn't told you? what happens if you heard that she had done this from someone else? i'd give her credit she loves you deeply she would never have told you if she didn't!! Good luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 October 2007): It's sad but clearly your girlfriend is ready to excuse her transgressions with explanations of drunkeness. The next time she is a little cheesed with you she will do it again: a bit of flattery, a few free drinks and her ankles will be up round her ears. I bet she did stuff with him she wouldn't do with you. You, my friend, are for carrying the shopping and paying the bills. Be honest, you know deep down she is a much more pleasant person to friends than she is to you. Cut all ties with her and try to spend more quality time with pornography.
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A
male
reader, happylife +, writes (11 October 2007):
Well, I probably don't have good advice, however, this is what I would do if I were in your situation and really didn't want to start all over with a new person. I would sit my girlfriend down and say, "You cheated on me and had your fun. Now, it’s my turn to go have my fun. I'm going to go have my one night stand with a girl that I pick and after it is all over we'll forgive each other and move on".
If she can't forgive you and accept you for cheating on her than why should you be the one to forgive her???
Happylife
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): ditch now. bite your lip and do it. Buy a lots of sweets, ice cream, crisps, rent out harry potter movies, close yourself for a weekend and get it through. dont answer her phones, dont talk to her for a while, date other women. This is a must!!! take time until this becomes irrelevant for your life and then see her and you will know everything better. This stuff didn't came from nowhere it is a result of your relationship. You need to prove you can go on your own and get out of you forever mentality now!!! I've been through this and understand you completely. You are a great man. Take care!
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A
female
reader, toughlove +, writes (9 October 2007):
You really love her, but now you are wondering, just how much does she love you? I am sure she feels horrible about what she did and wants to go on with you, but for 6 1/2 years, you've just been sitting there in limbo, and, if you are going to stay, its time to pay attention and do some real work. Her cheating was a wake up call. I am also guessing, the reasons for it have a lot more to do with you and her, than him and her. A relationship is about feelings, not about thoughts, if it is real. You don't love her for any reason you can explain rationally, and that's normal. Let your actions towards her also be guided by your feelings, but not disconnected from reason. Your head doesn't say "leave her", it says, "Why is it that I am supposed to leave a girlfriend of 6 1/2 years just because of one mistake?" Your heart doesn't say "Stay", it says "I am feeling this strange mixture of happiness because of my love for her and extreme pain because of her actions." Notice, the heart didn't ask a question, it made a statement. Neither your heart not your head gave you answers. Not yet, anyways. Really, in your post, you do not provide enough information for a conclusive decision. You just say "a person I really care about and am really close to has hurt me and betrayed my trust." You also say "I want to act on it immediately." But don't. Learn more about her with this new information in mind. That's really the hardest thing. Even though you want definite answers RIGHT NOW, the only thing you can do RIGHT NOW is work on learning to accept uncertainty.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I very much understand what you are feeling, poster, and if I were you I would be feeling the exact same thing. Whatever the reason, she cheated on you. You are right in feeling this way.
I am NOT sorry to disagree with other posters by saying that you're NOT guilty for her cheating, that you two should stick to the standard of faithfulness, and that it is exactly in the moments of weakness when a person's character shows up. I wonder what everyone would be saying if you had had a one night stand.
On the other hand, like all the other posters said, if your love for her is more than your sorrow, forgive and forget. Don't throw it in her face, and don't become paranoid. If you stay with her, do, as if nothing had happened. If you can't handle the pain, leave her.
And, don't feel bad about yourself if you think you should leave her. You don't have to put up with cheating. And, she needs to understand that actions have consequences.
I'm with you, poster.
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A
male
reader, Ponungalungb +, writes (9 October 2007):
 It always hurts to know that someone you felt you knew and trusted let you down. One of the other responders makes a good point. It is hard to keep high school sweethearts from never experiencing anyone else throughout their entire life. You're going to have to forgive her, if you want to keep her in your life. And you're going to have to forget, or you'll just throw this indescretion up in her face every time she does something that you don't agree with. You can't own someone either. She probably did what she did because she felt smothered by you, or owned by you. Nobody wants to be owned.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Wow. first off let me begin by saying that i found this site b/c i'm hurt right now b/c of a loved one, though nothing like what you are experiencing. reading what you wrote restored my hope that there are some good men out there. Men with a heart. Love is loyal, honest, caring, thoughtful, comforting.. i could go on. If you are a man that loves in this way, if you truly give your heart completing then let her go. You deserve true love. Someone that adores you and thinks of your feelings first. thats love. I want to say thank you b/c answering your question, i suddenly have answered my own question about my relationship. good luck to you.
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A
female
reader, amanda30286 +, writes (9 October 2007):
 I'm dealing with the same thing right now. My boyfriend got incredibly drunk last Friday night and had relations with another girl. Although he did not sleep with her, I still find it hard to forgive him. I really want to forgive him and hope that I will be able to one day, but I'm not going to rush it. It is ok to forgive because everyone makes mistakes. My mom has always said "Fooled once, shame on them. Fooled twice, shame on me." If you really love your girlfriend like I love my boyfriend, you will be able to forgive her in time.Just know that it will take time and it won't be easy. The both of you have to be willing to accept the fact that your relationship will not be as pure as it once was. I suggest that you take some time to gather your thoughts, and if she is the one for you, then she will be ok with that. This is what I am doing. When I decide to get back together with my boyfriend, I don't want to have any resentment towards him and I want there to be a clean slate. I hope this helps you.
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A
female
reader, Tigerlily +, writes (9 October 2007):
Wow. That's so brutal. I'm so sorry. You must feel like someone kicked you in the stomach with steel boots. I think the first thing you need to do is take some time to just let yourself process this and let your emotions settle. After that, I guess from what you say it seems like your GF made a terrible mistake. However a drunken mistake is vastly different than a sober calculated betrayal -- lying to you about where she's going and who she's meeting. Do you really want to throw 6 1/2 years and a happy life away over a mistake? It might help you to try and put it in perspective by putting yourself in her shoes. Have you ever been so drunk you couldn't believe what you did when you woke up the next day? Most of us would reluctantly admit yes. Have you ever seen drunken guys persistently hitting on women? Some of them can be super persistent. So the point of this is if you put yourself in her position, you will realize that this may not have been an entirely "conscious" decision. There was no emotion involved here. No one else has had her heart. Whatever "he" may have had was experienced in a drunken blur... and it wasn't the same as when you are with her, lucid and loving. "He" didn't get anywhere near the good stuff, the real stuff. She is still all yours. And if she confessed to you, that took a lot of courage. It shows that she really loves you, and couldn't live with the guilt.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 This will be a hard one to forgive. I always believe that long term relationships which start in high school are fraught with danger. Both partners usually end up wondering what it would be like to be with someone else, and I can see how in a moment of weakness your girlfriend succumbed. This is a gross generalisation I know, but both of my friends who met their partners at school went through the exact same thing. And both admitted that they wish they hadnt met their partners when they were so young as they saw all their friends going out partying while they were "stuck" in the same relationship.
Did she confess to you? or did you find out? If she confessed she is probably racked with guilt and felt she owed it to you to own up. I always think this is a mistake as the offending party manages to get someting off their chest and the partner who has been cheated on is left feeling devastated.
Perhaps you guys should spend some time apart and reflect on where your relationship is heading. If you cant forgive her then you should split up, what is the point of both of you torturing yourselves. But I would allow some time before you take this decision as at the moment you are obviously filled with feelings of betrayal.
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