A
female
age
41-50,
*oll513
writes:3 weeks ago my boyfriend said we were on a break because he was depressed. He works 2 jobs and has a lot going on with his family. He said it isn’t fair to me that I can’t have a boyfriend who can come over for dinner and take me out. I told him I would wait for him and I didn’t care if I only saw him once a week. He felt really guilty and said I could do better. We were both crying over this together. He knows I have never complained about his schedule and that I have been nothing but supportive. He just kept saying it wasn’t fair to me and that he couldn’t give me his 100% right now. But for the past 3 weeks nothing had changed. He still called me everyday, came over once a week, and said I love you. This past Wednesday he told me we could talk Sunday or Monday because he was off from work (he never had the time to completely tell me why he was so depressed). He had mentioned that on Friday he was going away to his vacation house for the weekend with his mom and grandma but would be back. I asked if I could come. Whenever we go away to his vacation house we are so relaxed and everything works out. I asked him to please consider letting me come. I have a lot of stress going on as well and he knows it. He said to me that he feels so bad I am so unhappy. Anyway, the last time I spoke to him was 4:30pm on Friday. It’s now 7:30pm Monday and still nothing. I have no idea where he is. That is really not like him to not call me. He always calls when he says he will. I sent him a text asking if he was ok today and that I was worried and I heard nothing.What do I do?? I don’t want to stalk him. I am giving him his space but I am worried. I know his mom and grandma came home last night because the car was in the driveway but I think he may have stayed another night by himself. The only reason I know his mom is home is because my friend lives around him and I was dropping her home so I am not a stalker lol. If I don’t hear from him should I talk to his mom? I feel really comfortable talking to her. Is it wrong to just ask if he is ok because I haven’t heard from him in days and I know he has been going through a lot?Any advice would be great!! Just so you know, this was really a serious relationship. We are both in our twenties and knew the second time we went out that we were meant for each other. I know he wants the best for me and that’s probably why he is avoiding me so it doesn’t hurt so much. But I don’t want anyone else and I told him that. How can I get that through to him? He can be so stubborn! I told him I don’t mind waiting at all. It took us both so long to find each other that I don’t think we should give up so quickly when things get hard….Please help!!Thanks so much!
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female
reader, Doll513 +, writes (9 October 2007):
Doll513 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe called me this morning and apologized right away for hurting me and not calling me. We had a good long talk. He said he didn't want to burden me with is problems and I told him that would never happen. He is depressed and part of it is over his uncle who has cancer again. He told me he will call me from now on and if he needs time to himself he will call me to tell me that so I don't worry. His family is noticing is depression and are concerned now. So the issue isn't us. He has too much going on now and he is very overwhelmed.
I am not giving up on him. I am going to be there for him when he needs to talk and whatever else. He is one of those rare genuine guys and I don't want to lose him. It will just take patience. If I was depressed I wouldn't want to lose him completely...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 October 2007): Okay not to bum you out, but it sounds like this guy is trying hard to distance himself from you. He wants to take a break because he's 'not good enough' for you? That's a convenient bit of reverse psychology. He is mysteriously depressed. He is too busy to see you, but is going away for a long weekend and doesn't want you to come (though you have come along before). That makes no sense. Then he doesn't call when he gets back. Then you said that you have been stressed and so unhappy lately. My aha detector went off. It seems (from an outside perspective) that what's really happening here is your BF has enough on his plate with 2 jobs, etc. and doesn't want (or know how) to deal with your stress and unhappiness on top of that... so he's just backing slowly away. But (and look at the words he used) he "feels guilty" about that, because "it's unfair" to you. You sound very sweet, and my guess when he says he knows you deserve better and he can't be 100% there for you is that he knows he "should" be there for you, but feels guilty because for whatever reason he doesn't want to be. He's not totally heartless and he can't quite bring himself to break up with you when you are going through such a hard time... so he's doing it by degress instead. I think a part of you may be sensing this, otherwise you wouldn't be so freaked out. I was in a situation like this once (and my BF used the same words with me) and I had no clue what was going on. As painful as it is, I'm telling you this because I felt so stupid I never saw it coming. I'd rather you be forewarned. I think if you can try and find some strength to deal with your issues on your own and just leave him be until he's ready to come back, there is a chance he might come back on his own. But pressuring a man who already has one foot out the door will only drive him all the way out. Again, I don't know you or him or your situation, all I have to go on is what you wrote. I'm being honest with you and calling it like I see it, though I genuinely hope I'm wrong and it all works out for you. Blessings and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, toughlove +, writes (9 October 2007):
It sounds like he's gone. It also sounds like his constant working and family problems and need for space are clues to hi commitment-phobia. You do deserve better, that was the one honest thing he said. What you've described is basically the equivalent of the last pulses of a relationship that's gone dead. You try to read into everything and work it out into some kind of a rhythm because as supportive and wonderful a person as you are, you just can't believe someone would really leave you. Trust me, I've been there. Really, don't make your life about him, make it about you!!!!!! Why should you be willing to stick around and give him time and space and wait for his call when you can be finding someone who suits you. Do you really have that kind of time or do you actually want to make something of yourself and your life? You are so concerned about him and his problems that you have an excuse to forget about your own so you being so giving is, in a way, a cop-out. Take matters into your own hands because if you are so sure that you are a wonderful woman and he agrees with you, it makes me sure that you are too, and all that is left to do for you now is take that and run with it. You'll do great!Think about this: every time a door closes, another door opens, all you have to do is look away from the closed door long enough to see it!!!
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A
female
reader, toughlove +, writes (9 October 2007):
It sounds like he's gone. It also sounds like his constant working and family problems and need for space are clues to hi commitment-phobia. You do deserve better, that was the one honest thing he said. What you've described is basically the equivalent of the last pulses of a relationship that's gone dead. You try to read into everything and work it out into some kind of a rhythm because as supportive and wonderful a person as you are, you just can't believe someone would really leave you. Trust me, I've been there. Really, don't make your life about him, make it about you!!!!!! Why should you be willing to stick around and give him time and space and wait for his call when you can be finding someone who suits you. Do you really have that kind of time or do you actually want to make something of yourself and your life? You are so concerned about him and his problems that you have an excuse to forget about your own so you being so giving is, in a way, a cop-out. Take matters into your own hands because if you are so sure that you are a wonderful woman and he agrees with you, it makes me sure that you are too, and all that is left to do for you now is take that and run with it. You'll do great!Think about this: every time a door closes, another door opens, all you have to do is look away from the closed door long enough to see it!!!
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (9 October 2007):
 Hi,
Is there any reason he has to work two jobs? I ask this only because I wonder if he is a workaholic. People can get so tied down by work they let their personal life go to pot.
Its really hard what to advise as it appears you are both being honest with each other, you being supportive ( he should be thankful he has someone like you waiting on him ) and he is at least offering you an opportunity to find happiness elsewhere. This is unselfish as a your controlling arsehole type boyfriend would be leaving you hanging on a string.
What it really boils down to is whether you think its worth waiting for him, maybe he is making the decision for you by avoiding contact, he obviously respects you too much.
Its the job to me, if he can cut one of his jobs then there's hope.
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