A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My married girlfriend just told me that this is the end of the affair. I don't understand why would she dump me if I was there for her in time of need and always very supportive. She says she still loves me but she can not take the pressure that I am putting her through. I told her I would no longer be her lover that I want to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her.I requested that she made a choice, and she did and she chose him. I feel bad and very sad. To clarify things I did not go into this affair knowing she was married she kept that a secret from me. I didn't find out till maybe 6 month into our relatonship and at that point I was so much inlove with her that I stayed around because I did not want to loose her. 2 1/2 years has past since I found out she was taken and she still continues to be married to him. I want her for myself and I don't want to share her, I'm tired of being her second choice, I'm tired of being alone. I want to fall asleep with her in my arms and wake up to see her beautiful face in the mornings. I want to have children with her, and be her one man that will offer her protection, support and a loving home.I just can not cope with the idea of losing her. I'm in desperate need of help, how can I get her back without giving in to her demands, I don't want to be the other man. I don't want to be her lover but I'm going crazy with out her, that Im starting to re-think that it might not be so bad in just being her lover as long as I get to have her in life. Please help I love this women and I don't want to share her anymore! How do I get her back, but I want her to be with me and only me?
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male
reader, Lost For Words +, writes (8 July 2019):
Sorry for the pain you are enduring. I recently was someone second choice. We were best friends before anything, I was in two different relationships and she was in one. Things happen before she got engaged then married. We stopped talking and removed each others from our lives, until we made contact. We made contact and things went great, we found out that were soulmates, best friends, and things life this do not happen all the time. She is married to a doctor and I'm just a regular hard working humble person. things were great until her husband saw our text. He only knows a little but she made the decision to stay and fix her marriage. I had tried to walk out plenty of times, i tried to move on but she insisted she was selfish and couldn't allow me, and honestly i did not want to either. Now caught i am the one to ruin a marriage, she realized after i confronted her plenty of times she would not leave him for me, and she would say i did not know that. Today, i know she did. i understand her husband feelings are more important than mine and i should of listen to the red flags along time ago. i can admit that i love her, and she is my soulmate but i also have to realize that i was too late and she is the one who got away.
Best of Luck!
A
female
reader, broken35 +, writes (20 July 2011):
It's interesting to see this from "the other man's" eyes.I,myself,am a cheater and a married mother of 2. Your letter touched me. Your relationship with this woman you love started out as a lie. She lying to you,that is. I don't mean to make this "about me" but have no other way to explain how/what she may be feeling or felt while with you. For me, I had been in love with my "fling" since I was 15 yrs old. He was my first and the love of my life. We met 18 yrs later on a social network. After 7 mo of begging me to meet up with him (I knew what would happen if we did, which is why I kept saying no)I gave in. Although we did not sleep with each other this first meeting, our passion for each other was still clearly there. It was as though not a single day had gone by. I knew I was in trouble. But for some reason, I didn't care. I loved him my whole life, it seemed. There were no rules. I never lied to him. He knew I was(unhappily)married w/kids. He knew everything about me. He also knew I loved him desperately.During the 7 mo of chatting and 1 yr of our affair we would end it, often. Neither of us able to go longer than 3 days without contact. I never "promised" to leave my husband and it took him many months before he asked me to. I was living a double and very different life when with my lover.When at home, I was living what most women would think was a perfect life. In the country, married to a doctor. Wealthy and taken care of.My lover(very blue collar)lived in a tiny apartment in the city an hour away. In my heart, I wanted to give up everything for him. My beautiful home and secure life. My children's future. But in the end, I just couldn't do it. Not because I was still in love with my husband, but because it was "the right thing to do". It recently ended (I think completely) earlier this month. I ache for him, still. He had some very harsh parting words for me, and I read those texts to help me not contact him. I don't know if your lover has kids, but they do make following your heart/dreams nearly impossible.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (2 July 2011):
 i know it hurts. you have idealised her, you cannot see this coz love has blinded you but i can see it - she is NOT a nice person. a good person does not meet some new guy behind her husbands back, a good person does not trick the new guy for the first six months until it is too late for him to back out coz he has fallen in love, a good person does not continue hurting new guy by refusing to leave husband, also a good person does not continue to cheat on her unsuspecting husband - taking secret phone calls, sneaking out of the house, telling him she is working/gym/meeting friends whatever and then continues the lying façade when she gets back home and he asks her how her day/evening was.
think about what i have said and then ask yourself again - what exactly is it that you have lost?? it would not surprise me if she has took up with another man, you already KNOW she can't be trusted.
best wishes and sorry if i seem harsh. you will get over her, it just takes time to adjust and accept the truth
x
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A
male
reader, mbill48 +, writes (30 June 2011):
I’m in almost the same boat.
But for only 14 months.
This is what I’m going to do set a date 2 weeks. Tell her I will be at that spot in 2 weeks. Ignore or answer calls and say I will be at that spot on the date.
In 2 weeks you have your answer. No show answer show answer.
Either way we get on with our lives them us and everyone In the middle.
I wish you all luck
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A
male
reader, OMDA  +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Hi There,
Totally agree with RedAthena . this relationship started witha big lie , she lied to everyone here even to herself , so don't try to spend your life with such girl .
Let her go.
Good Luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): Hi this is crazy to me because im going through the same thing for about three years know.The only difference is we have a 1 year old child that shes knows about but everything else the same from the demands to me being second.To be honest i dont think you will ever have her to yourself shes getting her cake and eating it to not fair right and if we ever want a chance at being happy.We have to get out the denial stagefirst and then find someone who would love us like were tryna love them.I hope u the best.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (30 June 2011):
 Look at the facts.
She USED you.
She LIED to you.
She LIED to the man she made wedding vows with. (Im sure those vows included faithfulness)
You broke up, but the relationship you had was based on LIES.
Best to let her go, heal from it, and eventually find a companion that will be honest AND loving.
If you keep settling for less, you will always find it!
Best Wishes.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): It sounds like she's chosen the cowards way out. I strongly suggest you move on man, because honestly what can you expect? You're asking a cheater to be your one and only woman. If she was unfulfilled in her marriage, and was going to you secretly, it already says something about her character. Its selfish and cowardly to peruse an affair, its something a weak person does. If she were strong she'd chose to tell her husband about her unhappiness and if it didn't work, she should leave and pursue happiness honestly.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2011): to be honest with you, this doesn't look like it's going to end well for either of you. I suggest you cut your losses here and now and try to move on - cut off all contact and get away from her. Here's what's going to happen - you'll keep going crazy, you'll try to get her back but she won't leave her husband (she's made that clear) so you'll be frustrated and hurt, but because you love her so much you still won't be able to seperate. It will be agony until one of you decides enough is enough and you'll be the one with the broken heart. Don't put yourself through that. If she wanted you, she would have chosen you. But she didn't - your dreams - with her at least - are not going to come true. The sooner you realize this the easier it will be. Find someone who WILL make you number 1! And hope that you live long enough to see her regret her decision.
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A
female
reader, iloveblue  +, writes (29 June 2011):
 Well, the fact that you were her bf for 6 months and that you didn't know she was married is really something. I mean, how could she have hidden this from you but with all efforts to deceive you? Clearly, she may have some agenda on her mind, maybe she was looking for a thrilling adventure outside of her boring marriage. I am sorry to say that.And to find it out now that she chose her husband does really justify why she did not tell you she was married from the beginning, it's because she does not have any future plans to be with you. You will only be the secret lover she can giggle with her friends. Believe me, I am a woman and I do not deny i have friends who have affairs just for the thrill of it, or worse, just to get even with their husbands.One friend of mine actually kept 2 different lovers for 4 years, but the moment her husband decided to refocus himself on their marriage and she was given the choice to leave or stay. She stayed! And that poor lover is now left alone. But no one sympathizes with him, he knew she was married. However, I don't adore my friend for doing that too, she was only lucky. If I were you, take this as a hard-earned lesson, don't mess with married women. They say married men hardly leave their wives for their mistress? Well, it also applies to women who have lovers. Take this as an opportunity to forget her and an opportunity to find someone whom you can actually marry. Do not worry about the heartache, if you are not heartbroken, then you don't call it love. No one ever came out of a break-up happy if they truly loved the person. So it is only natural to feel this way. The broken heart is there, heal it..then move on and get out, meet people.It's not the end of the world. Good luck and god bless!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2011):
What a terrible situation to be in. My advice is to leave her alone. You asked her to make a choice and she made it. She values life with her husband more than life with you for whatever reason. Do you really want to be with a woman who cheats on her husband anyway? She will probably do the same to you if you marry her.
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A
female
reader, Star xxx +, writes (29 June 2011):
 It must be very hard to live two lives ( not that I sympathise) but maybe she never had any intention of leaving her husband and now you have made her chose she is scared her husband will find out.
I understand I must be hard for you you were deceived from the start so you could not help the feelings you developed but you need to try and move on.
I have been on the bad end of an affair and my husband could not leave and most other people I know that have been in the same situation are still in their marriages.
Pm if you just want to talk.
Take care x
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