A
male
age
36-40,
*jj8885
writes:I have a fiance that i am mad about, but i got a bad impression a few days ago that has been driving me crazy. We were at a bar having drinks, when a decently fit waiter showed up to serve us, and could see that she was impressed by his appearance by checking him out a few times. I do have my confidence, but i was wondering if this is something to worry about. I dragged her into a conversation about this matter and she has highlighted that looks do matter for the reason of "matching". Thought that meant that since looks were more important to her, so how long will it be till she starts to answer to this tendency? Is this is a normal thing or not, especially since i believe that the only person to impress me at all is her? She has expressed deep feelings for me but this incident got nightmares whirling in my head.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 September 2011):
 You asked her to marry you and she said "yes"? Wouldn't that constitute accepting you as you are?
I will look at handsome men but that doesn't mean I am going to try to date them, have sex with them or even have a conversation with them. My husband will look at beautiful women but that doesn't mean he is going to try to date them, have sex with them or even have a conversation with them.
Obviously a sliver of doubt has entered your mind as to her commitment to you. It can't just be this one instance of her looking at a fit waiter.
The topic of 'looks matching' has come up a couple of times in conversations with my husband. Basically, we think that if one could rate people by numbers (like the classic 1-10) people tend to gravitate to a mate who is within a + or - number which is determined by individual preference. That's not a hard a fast rule by any means, of course.
Now, there is looking and there is gawking and there is overtly studying with the intention of further contact. My husband has been guilty of gawking in the past but the woman was so stunning I could see how his little male brain's synapses went 'kerflooey.' I too have been guilty of gawking but that too has been rare and essentially the man was so handsome it was hard to believe he was real. Neither of us have any intention of cheating nor has the looking caused any damage to the relationship.
So, if this was the first time you observed the woman you asked to marry you checking out another guy, well, maybe there's just an uncomfortable realization that she isn't blind and there are other men in the world. If this is a pattern of looking that is setting you up for worry, then you do have something to talk to her about.
I think if it is bothering you this much, you should talk to her about it. Don't let it erode your confidence nor your confidence in your relationship. Just because a man or a woman appreciates the appearance of someone else, doesn't mean he or she is going to start chasing that person or anyone else, for that matter.
You asked her to marry you, she said "yes." I doubt she would have said "yes" if you were somehow inadequate in any way in her eyes.
A
male
reader, jjj8885 +, writes (1 September 2011):
jjj8885 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have mentioned how that irritated me and she said that meant i didnt trust her, which wasn't really the case, but it was to know if i was what she wanted. wouldn't want her to end up in something she'd regret later. She did express strong feelings for me, but then again, what happened did really hurt me. we didn't have sex after that cause she's currently my fiance and we agreed on a no sexual relationship till after marriage :).
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (1 September 2011):
 I want a new car I'm not getting one. I want new shoes I'm not getting new shoes..
just because she lusted after someone else does not mean she does not want you.
my fiance wants to know if you guys went home and had hot sex.. cause when we go out and the waitresses are hot that's what we do...
window shopping is fine...
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (1 September 2011):
 She's simply not a sensitive person(character)& active gal. Unknowingly,she hurts your feeling. But not means she doesn't love you at all. This type of person needs constantly be reminded whenever out of track. i can understand how you feel
Pls bring up this matter again & tell that her actions irritates you. You're very upset, sad and not happy. Pls show respect and consider your feeling. You've to let her know.Don't keep it!
How about this idea? Go gym & get a personal trainer to tone up the body. When ready, pls show her after spray with strong perfume
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A
male
reader, jjj8885 +, writes (1 September 2011):
jjj8885 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Abeniala, i do have my confidence, i just have my doubts. I'm either accepted as i am or not, in which case i dont really wanna be with someone who wouldn't. i do take one glance at other women out of instinct but am convinced that i can't find a second to her :).Thanks everyone, I'm guessing checking out didn't quite describe it, but anyhow i'll let it go and see how things develop to find out whether it is a worrisome issue or not. Thank again to all :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): It's disrespectful. Her answer is also not reassuring.
If it were a guy checking out an attractive waitress in front of his date and gave the same answer (re. matching) when asked, my feeling would be the same.
I'd walk my friend if I were you.
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A
female
reader, adamantine  +, writes (1 September 2011):
 Everyone looks at everyone. Men check out women, women check out men. Women check out women, too. It goes which and every way. Just because someone eyes someone down, does not mean they are going to pounce them.
I don't think you should be worried unless your girlfriend has a past history of cheating. Most people look, but don't touch.
Can you think of a time when you looked at a woma and thought about being in bed with her? Of course you can. Did you ever consider cheating on your girlfriend for some hottie in the street? Maybe you did, but would you actually act on it? Probably not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Maybe, but you can 'want' something without needing to act on it? Honestly? You sound a little immature; all the guys I've ever dated, and my current bf couldnt care less if I check out other guys. It's called 'being a grown-up.' Talk to your male friends.
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A
male
reader, aebniala  +, writes (1 September 2011):
You should worry about your confidence not her. Spruce it up by using affirmations. Work on yourself. they are some nice book on the subject, i recommand Ross Jeffreies. Youl love it.
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A
male
reader, jjj8885 +, writes (1 September 2011):
jjj8885 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, can't it be a case of "i want those shoes" ??
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 September 2011): Blimey! OK, I think you are reading too much in to this as most people check other people out at times. It's ok, really, and more so from a woman - when a woman checks out another man and she is already with someone, it really is a case of 'Just looking, not buying.' It's like nice shoes!
As far as her comment goes, it is a bit weird what she said but again, please let it go and dont read too much in to it. She probably just felt like you put her 'on the spot' and eneded up saying something that really meant nothing at all.
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