A
male
age
41-50,
*riendly Bear
writes:5 months ago me (32) and my girlfriend (23) moved in together. Previously we had been having a long distance relationship for 2.5 years. Things were going very well and then she went on a 2 month medical elective on a pacific island. A month into her stay a natural disaster happened. As a trainee doctor she was involved in helping out with a few of the minor victims (any seriously injured people were dealt with by lots of fully trained doctors who came over from other countries). When she got back she told me that she had had the ‘best medical elective ever’. She also gave me a letter that said ‘there were some things couldn’t put into words and because of everything that had happened I needed to give her space’. She said that I needed to make allowances for her; ‘being grumpy with me, constantly looking at her photos and for planning a new life on a pacific island.’ Things were very different and when we made love she thought that I was someone else. Despite this (which only becomes significant after what I found out) I never had any doubts about her loyalty. Since she was back I knew that she had changed and I was concerned about her. For 3 days since she had unpacked, a file had sat open on my bedside table. When I saw it I thought it might notes that give an insight into some atrocities that she’d witnessed. I thought I could better understand what she’s been through and help her (and that’s what she would want, because why else would it be there). I read that: For several days she desired Mr J. She arranged for them to be alone where she stripped off. He sucked her nipples and they kissed. In another entry, her and Mr G (A Samoan) got it on. She said that she had deliberately got very drunk. They were kissing and it was ‘getting dodgy’. He was stripping and then she couldn’t remember what happened after that. I confronted her and asked to tell me what had happened. She said “nothing!!”. I told her that I read the book and she went ballistic. She said “that was my diary and it was private and that this is a massive breach of trust”. I asked her to tell me what has gone on and she refused. She just kept saying “how much have you read? Tell me what do you think you know?” I asked her if she had sex and she said “definitely not.” I’m concerned because she described both of these men as ‘players’. The pacific island has a very high incidence of STD’s and she wrote that she couldn’t remember what happened (her next entry was that she was back in her hostel vomiting).I have now left her and told her that the relationship is over. She has asked me to give her a week to talk about a way forward. In order to help that process I have written her a letter detailing the sequence of events and telling her how much I still love her. She has phoned me and said “that is just not what happened. What I wrote was never supposed to be seen by you and it’s no wonder you’re confused by it. I’m still really angry that you read my diary. The whole trip was absolutely amazing but there were 45 minutes of ‘things’ that did happen.” I asked her to explain those things but she said, “that can only be done face to face when both of us are calmer. We both need to be working at this. I’ve got a good friend coming who you know I not seen for over a year and I want you to know that that doesn’t in any way mean that seeing you isn’t important. It is important to me and you know that”. She finished by saying “I’m not comfortable with coming to see you (I told her that I wouldn’t come to see her because I haven’t been able to eat since this happened and am very weak). You’re upset and I understand but you’re not ready to hear my version of events. If you think this is worth saving then you shouldn’t give it a time limit.” Should I give her more time?
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cheated on me, drunk, kissing, long distance, moved in, nipples, std Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Aww, I really feel for you. You sound such a lovely person and you're being put through every hardship. Even being got at and given false hope by her mother only to then be knocked down again when you talk to your ex.I feel you need to stand firm and to stand up for yourself. If her mother calls again, tell her that you've tried, but that its her daughter who had the affair, lied to you, and is refusing to even let you leave your things in "her" house whilst you think and discuss what to do.If you've lost your job by having to move away then you should certainly NOT be paying half the rent for somewhere you can no longer live because of HER actions. SHE got you into this mess. Stop this immediately. Tell her to sublet the apartment if she cannot afford to keep it by herself. You certainly do not need to pay for this girl to live comfortably. She's taking you for a mug by letting you do so after how she's treated you.I can see that you stuff being in the house would make her feel in limbo, and not be able to move on. However, if she wants the 'tear it off quick' relief, then let her have it. If she's not prepared to go to any lengths to try and make things work, and ultimately finds it 'easier' to move on, then she's really not worth your effort.You deserve so much better! I really hope you can move onto more positive relationships.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): Go and get your stuff. Give her your keys. Don't pay her rent. If her mother calls again tell her it's over and it's none of her business anyway.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (11 November 2009):
Get your stuff and get away from her as quickly as you can. She's nothing but trouble. Not only was it not too soon, but now she's suddenly rushing you out the door? Get away from her really quickly.
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A
male
reader, Friendly Bear +, writes (11 November 2009):
Friendly Bear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh dear oh dear. I'm feeling vulnerable and I'm clutching at straws when my ex gf's mum calls. She tells me that it's too soon to leave and that my now ex gf does love me but she's readjusting. I take her through the whole story and then she says that I've been unfair to move out so soon and asked me to reflect on what she'd said. I did and then decided to change getting my stuff to Dec. I phoned my gf to tell her and she went into tear melt down "you've got to move out now!", "you can't change it now!", "I'm not going to have your stuff staying here" and "I want your keys". This is in spite of the fact that it is going to be me paying half the rent for the next 6 months because she has no money (even though as a result of her I now have no job!). I had indicated that I would be prepared to talk to her before I finally get my stuff. Now I feel that her emotional reaction shows that she was relieved that everything was over and I was getting out of her way. Am I interpreting her emotions correctly? What is she really thinking?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (9 November 2009):
 Think you did right. As you said, her excuses for her behavior are just not realistic.
To be specific, in extreme circumstances people can act extreme but these are short term things. She wrote she fancied one guy for days. And she did it with two different guys.
Also her actions since don't show any regret at all.
Basically, she thinks she wasn't wrong at all in cheating. It says a lot about her. It might be her age, or she might simply be a person who never had to deal with the result of her actions, or she might simply have no morals whatsoever.
Love is blind, you fell in love with a girl who didn't turn out to be who you thought she was. That hurts, a lot and it will continue to hurt.
But if you stay with her, the hurt won't go away and she will probably add to it.
Ask yourself this, when your wive/gf announces she is pregnant, do you want the first thought in your mind to be "is it mine"?
Best of luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2009): Not out of order at all. Id sublet if you can , move out and move on.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (7 November 2009):
No, you weren't out of order. She had no reason to cheat on you. It doens't matte if she's not talking to you, just go and get your stuff and get out. Then get rid of her. I can understand the drinking, not the cheating. She could have talked to you. You've done the right thing.
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A
male
reader, Friendly Bear +, writes (7 November 2009):
Friendly Bear is verified as being by the original poster of the question[Situation Update]
So I called various people up. I spoke to her mum and some of her friends in order to understand her position. I then called her up and I took her through what her story was (A thing that concerned was she said that I wasn’t listening to her and I wanted to make sure I had everything correct). I asked her if there was anything she wanted to add or change. She said “that’s pretty much it. There’s a lot more to go through though and we can do that when we meet face to face”.
I then told her that there was another side to the story. I asked to tell me what I’m going through. She had no idea. I gave her a bunch of platitudes {real meaning in brackets}. I said “Our values are different {she’s a cheater and I believe in fidelity} and I can’t see we will ever be compatible {she’s a serial liar and I believe in truth}” and “I feel that a long term relationship will never work out {she’s told her diary that she wants brown babies and we’re both Caucasian}.” I then told her the relationship was over.
Now here is the bit where it gets really sick. She starts going over details and I get her to tell me that she’d stripped off and was having her nipples sucked by another fella. I thought about what LazyGuy had said about just enjoying the fiction. She asks me if I want her to go on, so I said “yeah sure.” She then says “The thing is, I was drunk. You don’t know what it was like out there (the natural disaster zone) everyone was drinking.” I tell her that I do know what it was like, it was a 2 month 18-30 holiday. She then says “You don’t know! There were bodies. I was dealing with piles of children’s bodies.” At this point I told her to stop giving me BS and that she is a professional junior doctor. (I knew that most bodies were washed out to sea and that she was no where near the impact area). How anyone is capable of talking about other peoples deaths in that way is sooo beyond me. FFS she’s supposed to be a medical professional.
So at this point she’s been dumped (in the nicest most non humiliating way I can) and she can’t help but carry on with her whinging. I’ve had enough and when she then brings up about how angry she is. Again. I say to her “Stop bringing up all of this crap about your private diary. You’ve been caught out. You cheated and now you’re lying and in denial. Get over it.” (Then she hung up).
I now need to tie everything off so that I can start moving on. The problem is that I need to get my stuff back and we’ve got a joint tenancy agreement. She’s not talking to me. What should I do? Oh and was I out of order?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Dude she cheated on you. I honestly think you need to make it clear to her that her demanding things and space and time is not a relationship. A relationship should be based on trust and I would not trust this girl as far as Id throw her.
Of course your in love but Dude you need to ask yourself do you deserve better than this?
be strong. she sounds manipulative so Id make it clear its over and let her go.
Elpigaro
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): I agree with lazyguy. Completely.
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A
male
reader, Friendly Bear +, writes (5 November 2009):
Friendly Bear is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm in love with her and because of that I'm going through absolute hell. I've just read that when you're in love your brain is releasing chemicals that have a far stronger effect than heroin. Effectively I'm going cold turkey and it is so hard to think objectively.I want to thank you all for your posts which have given me the confidence to be stronger. Given that none of you know her (or maybe you do!!) you've been remarkably insightful. Seriously, thank you so so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): I think you did the right thing by moving out and ending it. She's quite a bit younger than you and it doesn't sound like she's ready for a committed relationship as the first chance she gets she's doing things with other guys. And I hate to put ideas in your head but since you had a long distance relationship with her for two and a half years how do you know she was faithful to you all that time, if as soon as you're out her sight she's playing around?On the one hand I can understand her. She's young, and it must have been very exciting over there. I imagine the people who work together in situations like that become very close. But consider her actions when she returned. She didn't confess anything to you. You found out about it by reading her diary (which I don't condone by the way). And as yet am I correct in assuming she hasn't actually appologised? "We both need to be working at this?" FFS, she doesn't even sound contrite. She talks like the relationship has just hit a bump in the road that you are both somehow responsible for. And why is she not comfortable coming to you? If she really cares about you why is she not prepared to do whatever it takes to make things right with you?I guess the point I'm trying to make is that the way she's acted since coming home is more telling than what may have actually happened over there in some ways. If you want to forgive her for that, I think I would too if it was someone I really loved, that's understandable. But I think the ball is in her court. I wouldn't contact her anymore unless she totally falls on her sword.And if you can't forgive her for her actions then it seems there isn't anything left to discuss. It's over. You've moved out. Now put it all behind you and be wiser and stronger for it.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy +, writes (4 November 2009):
Her version of events... eheh. You ain't ready for it, or she hasn't time yet to come up with a story she thinks you might swallow.
Come on, what she wrote in her diary is NOT what happened?
Yes, I would give her some more time, but then I always liked fiction. I would love to see the story she comes up with to explain it all.
But I wouldn't believe a word of it and frankly neither should you. She fucked two other men, end of story.
She also clearly has not a shred of respect for you. Her asking how much you read is clearly nothing more then her trying to see what she has to cover up, clearly there is more then just the bit you read.
If you want to see a woman lie to you pointblank, give her some more time.
She is trying to make you feel guilty and probably will somehow blame it all one confused feelings and how much she loves you... people like her HATE to lose. They don't actually want you but they just don't want you to dump them.
Stay with her and she will cheat again and again and then finally dump you, leaving you a bitter shell of a human being.
Oh and get an STD check, she has cheated before this trip.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 November 2009):
Give her time to do what? Sit at home and make up some elaborate lie? My friend, though snooping is morally wrong, you've caught her right out. She wrote everything down, and unless she was really confused herself by what happened, which I don't think she was, then everything in that diary is true. The fact that she is there saying she can't believe you looked in her diary rather than owning up to the fact that she has done things with two men says more than anything else. How can you be confused by what she wrote? Everything you saw happened, and since she can't remember what happened because she was drunk, how do you know she didn't have sex with them, especially since they were both players? I think she's sat at home trying to think of a huge lie that she's going to put forward. I'm afraid to say that she has proved she can't be trusted at all, and will blame you when confronted with the truth. Don't stand for it, and really consider whether she is worth persuing. Also, since there is a high risk of STD's, if you have had sex since she got back, get yourself tested. But don't wait for her. She cheated clearly with two men and has been found out. She will only lie to you. Get away from her.
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