A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Hello all,I am an attractive, and very young looking 41 year old woman.I never meet men around my own age, as they always think I am too young for them, and do not approach me, and the guys I do meet are never really settled, or they are unsuitable. I have a nice job, go to classes for dancing , story writing, and I sing in a duo,so am out and about alot, and I have nice freinds and a supportive family - but I just cannot find anyone, and do not even look when I am out - I just go out, and leave it to fate.I tried internet dating, but it turned out as a disasater, as I met some quite dangerous abusive type guys - I did that for five years - so it's not for lack of trying, and it never worked out for me. I am attractive, and slim, and have an outgoing personlity - but am afraid that there is something about me that is putting men off? it is the small piece of my jigsaw puzzle - as my life is full, and I cannot complain. I do not come across as desperate at least I don;t think I do, so what is it about me? I know that is a difficult question to answer - but I have no love in my life, and am starting to worry that I will always be alone and just grow old alone. I have no children either , and am starting tio get a bit panicky. It makes me very sad. Does anyone else share this problem ? issue? Please advise. Thanks - xxx Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 November 2009):
i don't know. i also have this problem but i honestly think many men prefer women that seem that they can control.
a sharp intelligent independent women in her 40s is both attractive, and frightening. Younger men just want to play. Older men want younger women to impress. Men my age seem to be all married. At our age, it seems like our shelf life is over although we are just getting started.
i put my career first for too long. but men do that and find women?
don't blame yourself. really.
A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (5 November 2009):
Wow! There's certainly a lot of food for thought here. I'd be interested to know if you get any sensible answers out of your male friends like LazyGuy & Tisha suggest. (My male friends were no help at all!)
And both Lazy Guy & human male have given me things to think about. I often think of men as "unsuitable" but that's because as soon as they start expressing an interest in me I suddenly find myself coming up with every reason in the book NOT to date them and convincing myself that they are unsuitable. Sometimes I'm my own worst enemy! Methinks I do like my single life a little too much....
btw human male. Try joining an amateur theatre company. Women vastly outnumber men in the 20 - 50 age range (I always have to wait in line whenever a new guy joins mine!) You don't have to be able to act - they always want people to build and paint sets, organise publicity and lug furniture about. And it's a lot of fun
Take care all
xx
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhey !! thank you all for your answers. Just to let yo u all know. I have had long relationships, so know I am capable of having them. One was for 7 yrs, one for five - We broke up a couple of years back. This has been a recent problem - eg: two years. I do have many male freinds too - and actually prefer them as they are less complicated. I am in the process of rebuilding my life, and am pursuing hobbies, and dreams that I never thought I would - maybe that's what I need to do first.... and on some level, probably don;t really want a relastionship as one reader said!!! I do meet men - just the wrongones!! Thank you all for your input. I will re- read, and take heed of your advice!! xx
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Human male, you have no idea how many times I've read someone else's great advice and thought "I wish I'd written that. Now SHE (or HE) got it right. I missed it!" The thing that makes DearCupid so interesting and potentially so valuable is that you get all kinds of opinions and takes on situations. If there was one right answer, our site guy Andrew could have simply written an Agony Aunt algorithm that delivered targeted advice. That's not how life works. We get caught up in our own little narrow worlds, our own perceptions of reality and we sometimes need to have input from outsiders, objective and with no personal agenda to the question asker.
You gave your take on the situation, I threw out my anecdote, maybe somewhere in between our words, the poster will find something that will help her find her own solution.
I have another friend (god, remind me never to tell these friends about this site) who is a very intelligent woman who is gripped by insecurities in a way that can be very annoying to be around. She'll suddenly stop, look at me very seriously, and say "can I ask you a question?" I always say, "of course you can" because I know the drill by now. She'll go on to ask something like, "did I offend you by mentioning my cousin's depression? I never know if I'm saying the right thing or if I'm being rude." And I'll go on to reassure her that no, she's not rude or offensive. It frankly gets tiring. She does this, I kid you not, at least three or four times every time we get together. It's like she can't help it. In fact, I don't think she can help it.
I've tried to head this off at the pass and tell her that she can feel free to discuss anything with me. But she just needs that validation somehow and cannot help but reveal her insecurity through these questions.
So while a little humility is a good thing, being stuck in self-criticism and self-observation can be paralyzing.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): See, now that's the kind of thing I wish I could have said Tisha. That's actually something practical and useful. And you're right, it might be something she's doing. My advice (aside from it being nothing more than useless platitudes) may have actually been detrimental because I just assured the OP it probably wasn't anything about her. Or me for that matter.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
I have no idea if this applies to you at all, but I'm just going to throw it out there and see if it might help you think about this
I have a friend who is late 40s, she's never had a boyfriend for longer than a year. She's attractive, has had a variety of jobs, is now working for herself in web design, she has advanced degrees, a pretty good sense of humor, great legs, gorgeous hair, an active life with lots of friends. She just doesn't attract men. I could tell her why, if she would actually ever stop talking long enough to let me give her advice. (It's a dangerous thing, becoming an agony aunt here. You start to believe you can help people overcome their problems. It gives you notions of grandeur...)
She is like a man repellent. She talks about all the pathologicaly men she meets, she goes on and on about their oddities. I know this because I had tried, in a subtle way, to match her up with a friend who recently got out of a bad marriage. I sat there with them during their first face to face meeting (they'd been talking on facebook) and watched her literally talk her way right out of dating him. She blithered on and on about the loser men she'd been dating, about metrosexuals, about every damn single thing that was wrong with every man she'd encountered in the last 10 years. I mean, what the ...?
Now was her chance to shine, to show him that she was as cool in person as she was in cyberspace and instead she came across as this neurotic loser. I would have run screaming the other way if I had been him. Instead, he sat there very politely and listened and tried to engage in the conversation.
And then later she wonders to me why he never made plans to try to see her ?!?!?!? She was CLUELESS!!! I tried to talk about what she'd done to sink her own ship but she blamed him for not following through. HOPELESS!!!
Sorry, I had to get that out there, I have been so peeved with her for that. I also feel sorry for her because she is so convinced that it's not her, it's ALL those men out there. When the common demoninator is you, then it's not them, it's you.
I like LazyGuy's idea. Ask a male friend. And for heaven's sake LISTEN to what he has to say. Or ask a female friend who is in a successful relationship. And LISTEN. Don't assume you know all about how you are perceived by other people.
You are doing or saying something that is acting as a man repellent. You're not going to like hearing about it. You will be upset and angry at the person who tells you the truth. But if you are so desperately unhappy, what do you have to lose?
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): I think there are a lot of people out there in the same boat. I'm thirty nine, haven't had a relationship in years and for the longest time I assumed there was just something fundementally wrong with me, that I was just ugly, and I'd never find love and that was. Or I put it down to bad luck.
Lately I've realised that's just crap. I was a bit introverted and a bit of a shut in, and I still don't get out as much as I should. But I know there is nothing wrong with me, physically at least. I'm still not very confident about my life and what a prospective partner might think. I have a crappy go nowhere job, and no car. But I never get to the stage with women where I tell them about that anyway so that can't be it.
For most of my life, like you, I had the idea of just letting it happen. Leaving it up to fate. If it's meant to happen it will kind of thing. After all it seems to work with everyone else. Well, it might work with some people but it doesn't with others. I dont know if it's just luck or what but for some people it's easy, and for others it's not. So if it doesn't seem to happen naturally for you then you're going to have to be more assertive.
You probably have lots of opportunities to be more social. Don't be passive. Appraoch men. Talk to them. Y'know, just in a friendly way, not a big deal. Even if it's not someone you're attracted to, don't be afraid to strike up a converstaion because you never know what he might be like after you get to know him a bit.
And I'm not saying you shouldn't have standars but you shouldn't hold out in the hopes that the absolute perfect man will whirl into your life and sweep you off your feet. I'm saying that because I bet you do get approached quite a bit and wonder if you're a bit too quick to dismiss men as unsuitable. If I'm wrong there I appologise.
I wish I knew why very attractive, wonderful people seem to have a hard time with this. I wish I knew exactly what to say, and exactly what you should do. I don't but I've got to believe that it's not because there's anything wrong with you (or me for that matter), and if being passive hasn't worked then being assertive is the logical action to take.
I wish you well.
And if you don't mind my asking... I've been thinking about dance classes. What kind of dance is it you do? How did you get into it or find about classes in your area? And what would you say the ratio of men to women is?
Thanks.
...............................
A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (4 November 2009):
 Guys of 41 think a woman of 41 is to young? I thought the rule was half your age + 7. You must REALLY look young.
So, you go out but don't look... just leave it to fate.
What message could that send in your posture. The message you send to men who see you and try to guess whether you wish to be approached or not.
I see some women who are so comfortable with their own life that men get the impression that they are not available.
There is a fine line between being so desperate for a relationship that is becomes the only means to achieve happiness and being so comfortable alone that you air a feeling of "who needs you" to any guy who might be interested. It is hard to put this into words.
But you got friends? Guy friends? ASK them. How do they see you.
old-spinstah suggests that men might be overwhelmed or intimidated, that is not exactly it, but it is close.
Think of it like this, if you go job-hunting it is a lot of work and applying for a job means getting you hopes up, investing energy into trying to obtain that job. What is then easier, to approach a company blindly or to respond to a job add? Sure, the best jobs might be obtained the first way, but it is a lot more relaxed to apply for a job when you know they are looking for somebody. In short, do you got a sign up that you are interested in receiving applications for the position of partner?
Also, what is it you really want? It is easy to say that you want a husband and children because, well that is what society expects and why not. But you have in 20+ years done nothing to actually get them, successfully. Subconscious decision?
You say you are happy with your life, so do you really want to give all that up for a hairy smelly critter who leaves the toilet seat up, farts in bed and doesn't take out the garbage?
It is easy to say you want something, it helps deal with family asking you when you are going to get married, but secretly, deep down, liking the way things are now. And that in turn might sent a message to men "don't bother".
But hey, ask male friends.
...............................
A
female
reader, old-spinstah +, writes (4 November 2009):
Yes, I share this problem and I empathise. I don't know if I'll be able to advise you much because I haven't figured out "why" yet either but sometimes it helps to know that there are other people out there who feel the same way!I try not to dwell on the "what's wrong with me?" thought too much because deep down I know what the answer is..... nothing! I think I've just been unlucky.Sometimes I wonder if men can be a little bit overwhelmed and intimidated by strong, mature and independent women but that's something I can't change about myself (and wouldn't want to)Whenever I get too down about it I take a minute to think about all the things I like about my life and remember how lucky I am.Sorry if this sounds a bit lame but it's what keeps me going.Take care
...............................
|
