A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I'm not sure why I'm writing this but here goes. At college, I know this girl and to me it looks like this girl likes other girls. I know this sounds stupid but I'm not sure if it's in my head or if it's true. This girl (the main one-lets call her Lucy), is very outgoing, however she can be angry easily. Lucy gets along with another girl, let's call her Karen. Lucy always sits near Karen even though they are hardly close friends. Karen is loud and talkative. The way I see it is that Karen is nervous around Lucy all the time. When Karen talks to Lucy it's obvious she fancies her, for example, she would not dare to upset Lucy. Also, when Lucy talks to her, she compliments her and would never say anything to hurt her. To me it looks as if they are upset when either of them is not with them. I know it's really strange. Karen never comes on msn but whenever Lucy is online, Karen happens to be there (I know this because I have both of their msns). What do you think is happening? I'm not going crazy, am I?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2009): Yes it's helping. Thanks you made me feel much better. I'm just going to be strong and be myself.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 You're feeling very left out. I HATE that feeling! It used to happen to me too where two friends would kind of favor each other over me. I would feel so miserable and unhappy. Now, years later, I still keep in touch with those women and they are no longer bestest buddies, they have grown apart and are very different people.
It hurts like hell when its happening to you but believe me, you are not alone in facing this kind of thing. When ever you get more than 2 people involved, you get cliques and exclusions.
I can still taste the bitterness when the girl I thought was my best friend in the entire world, when asked who her best friend was at a sleepover, didn't pick me! She picked this other girl who was a total b*tch, or at least I thought so. I was devastated and spent an hour crying in the kitchen, and then other people came in and supported me and I felt better, though things were never quite the same between my best friend and me again. I'd had the rose-colored glasses ripped right off my face. It was not nice at all, of her OR the people who asked everyone that question. Stupid slumber party games.
All I can tell you is that it will get better. You'll be miserable for a while but eventually, if you look around, you'll see there are lots of interesting classmates who could be friends. You'll make new friends and this won't feel so hurtful.
Is this helping you at all?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): Okay but I can't face it everyday looking at the two of them giving them looks to one another (you know the looks that say they want each other). I know neither of them are doing anything together but it gets me annoyed when they flirt and gaze into each others eyes. I guess I just want to be more noticed?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Ah, so you're jealous. And upset that you're not in the know IF they are indeed involved. That makes things a little clearer.
Life is not fair. People do not always like you back in the way you like them. Your best friend may wind up snagging the one you want because she is the one that person likes back. It's unfair, it stinks, it is.
I hate to say this to you again, but it honestly is none of your business. I know boundaries are all confusing at your age and friends are into each other's lives way deeper than they ever have been, but you are not entitled to know anything they don't want to disclose. (Leaving out axe murderers, rapists and paedophiles, of course, and other criminal activity)
Just because you are their friend and you see them every day doesn't give you the right to know what they do in their private time. Masturbation would fall into this category, for example.
I know what you feel though, as years ago, I found out friends of mine had gotten involved secretly. They didn't want his ex to know about them, as she was the new love's former best friend. I felt very left out and a little sad they didn't trust me with such an important development in their lives, but you know what? That's natural. My friendship didn't mandate that I find out the instant they started dating. I didn't like it, but I had to respect their privacy and their decision. (They have two beautiful girls now, by the way, I read Shakespeare at their wedding, so I feel better.)
Just be their friend and remember that what you think is something that should be shared with you might be a very intensely private thing that cannot be let out. Don't take it personally and don't let it spoil the friendship. Time for a moment of self-reflection and this is one of those times where you learn a little bit about the world and a lot about yourself. You may not like what you find, but it's important you face it with honesty and clarity and understanding.
Okay?
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A
female
reader, Lola1  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 Whether YOU have feelings for one of them or not has nothing to do with whether or not it is your business, and frankly, I think you've added that just to try to justify your "interest".
If person a and person b are involved, then it only involves person a and b; not their friends, not people who wish to be involved with either one, not past lovers, not great-great-great-great grandmothers who died seventy five years ago.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 November 2009): I want to know what they are up to because I feel like I'm being taken the mick out of. I think it is my business as they are my friends who I see in school everyday and if there is something going on I think I have a right to know. How would you feel if someone you liked more than friend was going out with your friend? (ps I'm the one who asked the question)
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (5 November 2009):
Why do you think what two people who behave as friends do in private--IF they do anything in private, the evidence is flimsy--why do you think what happens behind closed doors between consenting adults has anything at all to do with you?If you don't want to hang out with gay people, that's your perogative, just don't expect they're going to sew black or pink triangles to their clothes to make it easy for people to identify them, judge them, and then shun them.If you can't deal with the ideas you're forming about them, just stop hanging out with them. For their sake, and yours, keep your suspicions to yourself, don't spread gossip like this--it's ugly, could be totally off base and may create an atmosphere of hostility and prejudice.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (5 November 2009):
 I second Quiet echo. Nothin here shows anything difinitive and even if they were having a sexual affair, its their business and none of yours. Its a case of Person A having a conversation with B so C your way out of it.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (4 November 2009):
It doens't really sound to me like there's anything going on. They might just be gret friends, or one might fancy the other. Just be a good friend ot both of them.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): no i could not
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (4 November 2009):
 Maybe Karen is just intimidated by Lucy... I know that most people look up to and respect the more confident and popular girls.
Doesnt mean she fancies her!
Could just ask them?
xx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 November 2009): Well it has everything to do with me because they are my friends. If they are doing something, it's wrong.
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin +, writes (4 November 2009):
They might and they might not. Um, why should it matter to you? You would be thrid party to whatever is going on between them.
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