A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife of 5 years has had an affair. I'm devestated, but prepared to forgive (I think). Just one thing I can't get over, I don't want every gorey detail, but when I ask her to explain why she did it, she says. 'I don't know, It just happened'. What does this mean girls?Is she trying to save me pain?I'm scared of making the wrong decision.I know how a man thinks, and if I had an affair, I would do so by making a chain of logical decisions, hoping not to get caught.But now I've got to thinking this man gave her plenty of chat and attention and that she just got in the mood for sex with him, and it was a bit like sleep walking. (Making me wanting to hit him) and i've never been a violent person.I've thought I need to give her more attention, but isn't this rewarding bad behaviour. And she do it again.Help
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 October 2007): "It just happened" is the biggest heap of bullsh*t. (I'll bet you'd like to go beat the other guy to death with a crowbar and then tell your wife "I'm sorry, it just happened." wouldn't you?)
People act like they stop controlling their own bodies all of a sudden just because they're not getting along with their spouses at the time. And I suppose the whole process of getting to know him & putting herself in the position to actually have sex with him "just happened" too? That took time & effort.
She owes you a better explanation than that. At the very least she could take responsibility for her own actions and phrase it as "I did it." (Instead of saying "it just happened" as if she had no say in the matter at all.) She could at least admit that she made a long series of conscious decisions to screw another guy.
A
male
reader, legacy  +, writes (31 October 2007):
O.K. I wasn't going to answer this but rereading your post indicates to me maybe why she had an affair. How can you say isn't giving her attention just rewarding bad behaviour? What's up with that? How can you say you feel like you are picking up his garbage? You are talking about your wife, the woman you say you love..... I don't think you have worked hard on anything buy making her feel guilty. O.k. it hurts, yes it's hard to imagine her with someone else but you have to do some serious work there my man, not her. What does it mean to forgive? What does it mean to treat someone with love?
You feeling way too sorry for yourself. There are always too people involved in a relationship. It is the most stupid question to ask: "Why did you do it?"Do you believe she went out there, thinking - wow today I want to start an affair, let see who the best one is? Something is not going the right way in your relationship and then affairs do "just " happend. It does appear like it. I would rather ask "what did go wrong in our relationship? Can we work it out? Are you willing to give it a try with me? What really bothers you about me?" Don't be a yerk. Listen careful. You are at fault as well.
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A
female
reader, Cateyes +, writes (31 October 2007):
 Affairs "just" don't happen...period. There is a reason and she is probably one who is not good at opening up to you or feels as if she can't tell you what she really wants in her relationship. This is just an example, however, there could be more then this. This is where you need to explain to her she has to talk to you in order for your relationship to continue...IF it's going to be a healthy one that is. I agree with Eddie who stated you have the right to know whatever it is that crosses your mind...why?...because, YOU WILL be asking these questions to yourself and you will take it out on her because you are hurt. It may not happen today, but it will happen in the future. What happened was NOT your fault. She gave in for whatever reason...and in talking with her, if she is COMPLETLY honest with you, and that will be hard to know if she is now, she should be able to explain to you why it happened and what are her feelings now. No affair is right, but most commonly the "one night" affair may never happen again if she truly opens up with you and is remorseful and wants your relationship to work and literally shows you she does...not just talk either. The affair of seeing someone for sometime, this means feelings are involved and she may tell you she has feelings for him and this is where YOU decide can you really live like that...and 99.9 percent don't. Who really would share their spouse? Seriously! She should be honest with you. Wedding vows are not to be taken lightly...and what most couples should know is that communication of every sort in their relationship or marriage, is the most important element in making a relationship work and ever lasting. When it's gone or you there is no comfort level, then it's happy hunting for someone.
Botton line....her answer...was chicken shit!
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, Strippa +, writes (30 October 2007):
 Firstly - she is not a dog that needs to be kept on a lead & not rewarded when bad!
if you feel you have to prevent anyone from leaving you or not cheating again you lost them long ago. If you don't wake up every day and know they are there because they love you & who & what you are then have some respect for yourself & leave.
"It just happened" isn't a good enough answer but it is surely that because she doesn't care , for whatever reason wether that is a result of the way you have made her feel or her - the facts are still the same - the tank is empty x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): Thanks Guys.I'm still no better off. Its kind of what I expected.Fact is I know he is younger and more attractive than me, but he has no integrity because he knew she was married. Now I feel like i'm picking up his garbage. I've worked at this relationship, for 7 years in total, had all the shall we carry on's, changed when asked, listened to her endless list of critisms.You girls have not really enlightened me. If 'it just happened' Is there any point trying, you are stuck with your attractiveness.If handsome means you can just steal someones hard work. I may as well, give up. If we have kids I won't even know if they are mine.Thanks anyhow
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (30 October 2007):
 Lets' make one thing clear. If you are a reasonable, decent husband, she OWES you an explanation. She is no place to be bargaining or letting her self off the hook with an ..."I don't know why it happened"
She did not just walk out the door and jump into bed. How can you make sure it doesn't happen again if you don't know why it happened the first time? Are you going to live the rest of your life on pins and needles wondering if you meet her needs?
Your thoughts about how it began are the usual ones and probably quite true. When someone starts down the slippery slope and believes they can handle an opposite sex acquaintance who is bombarding them with flattery they are actually justifying why they can continue to accept the attention. They are trying to fool themselves. As long as they don't admit that they enjoy the attention, they feel like they've done nothing wrong. The truth is that by constantly accepting the overboard flattery, they're actually stoking the fire of adultery.
You deserve to know who, what, when, where or whatever you desire to know. If you don't deal with this now the resentment will grow on your part. Someone who has cheated MUST agree to be an open book and live on probation in the marriage until the other partner is satisfied it won't happen again.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (30 October 2007):
 I'd be worried. Reason being "it just happened" is a statement you'd expect from a child, trying to avoid being in trouble or taking responsibility. In order for anything to work. Your wife needs to take responsibility for her action. Admitting that things don't happen. This was a choice made, whether she feels is good or bad, it's still a decision. Everything we do has a consequence, good or bad. But everything we do, as a mature adult, we need to take full responsibility for our actions.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2007): this guy was giving her a lot of attention,making her feel alive,good,sexy and beautiful basicaly he was a snake and she fell under his charm and before you knew it,she`d slept with him she had no intensions of doing this as she loves you to bits,but as she say`s it just happened,i suppose what im trying to say is unless you have experienced the situation you wont really understand as its mental feelings not just physical
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