A
male
age
30-35,
*njeopardy
writes:I've been dating my girlfriend for a little over a year and a half. She kept a lot of things from me about her past and what she has done with other guys, and there have been a few times where she broke promises to me. For example she went out drinking with her friends and promised she wouldn't do it anymore but went out and did it 2 more times before she stopped.Because of things like that, I've had a slight problem with trusting her. I always give her the benefit of the doubt about things though. Earlier in our relationship we both agreed not to text or hang out with the opposite sex. She wouldn't hang out with guys, just talk to them when she had to in school, and I wouldn't talk to any girls or hang out with them. I had absolutely no problem with this, because I love this girl and she's the only one I need.Here is the problem: Whenever she is with her girl friends, she doesn't text or call me much if at all. I understand she is out having fun, but I've told her many times I'd like to hear from her. She still hardly talk to me when she's with her friends, and it seems like she doesn't want to have anything to do with me. Lately we have been arguing about some things, and we didn't really hang out much for a week. I was using her phone and a guy texted her. When I asked her about it I also found out she had been hanging in a group with her 2 girls and 3 of her guy friends.I explained to her that it bothered me and she got mad and told me they are only friends and they aren't like other guys they don't want to get in her pants. I don't trust them. So I asked if she could not hang out with them and the promised me she wouldn't. Well another week or two went by and I found out she was still hanging out with them.Should I just give up hope or is there some way I can make this right? I love her so much and I want to be with her but she feels that she NEEDS to have guy friends in her life. I don't know how to change her mind, if possible. She's going to college soon and I want to be with her. Please help!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2009): Well if she can do that why dont you? There is no reason to be insured about it and if you find someone better move on.There is no reason for you to be called jealous, paranoid, insured, while you show you still care. Become the animal with no concise and just pure pleasure. Obviously your girl dont want any attachments, so why take it so hard on yourself boy. Dont feel sorry for your self lots of other fishes in the pond as the lady said half actually 54% of world population are woman and this figure just increasing yeeehawww. So yah babe a lot more to go then you can count "giddyup". Get over it, get a life, go hang out with other girl. I know you love her but that is exactly what she is taking advantage off. Any girl/boy after finding a relationship like to say that they like to hangout with opposite sex obviously means either they are cheating on their partner or have no regards what so ever for them. Would you like to be second fiddle all your life? why would anyone wanna hangout with opposite sex? flirt? fun and games? Messing? Pleasure of them around? You already sounding boring to me opps your girlfriend?I been in and out of relationships.I know, if she trusted you she would have informed you, she didnt so she does not and would certainly leave you when the time comes. I know how it feels to get hurt again and again, trying to work things out and fighting a lost cause, best that you start enjoying your time with others. If she really cares she would ask you why you doing it? let her know that exactly what she did to you.
A
male
reader, Injeopardy +, writes (29 June 2009):
Injeopardy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the answers everyone. I guess all I needed was to trust her and only her, and not worry about anything else.
It's just so hard sometimes when I know she doesn't have a problem with lying to me. But I do love her and I know that even though we've put each other through alot she still loves me.
It might be too late though, she's acted very negative towards me all day yesterday. I asked her if we could have an important talk today but it doesn't sound like she wants it to happen. I told her I'm willing to fix things and make them right but I don't think she's too interested anymore.
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A
male
reader, MANswers +, writes (29 June 2009):
Dude I think you're being kind of overbearing here. I hate to say it, but this relationship might be toast. She moat likely already has you pegged as being jealous or possessive. Also, 18-21 is not the age to be super serious about relationships. She's going to have to go out and date other guys at some point just as a matter of healthy growth. You should probably preemptively break it off if you feel like she's slipping away and wanting to see other guys. That way you can save a little face and not feel so bad about the relationship ending, because after all YOU broke up with her (arrogant scoff). FOR THE NEXT TIME: rather than get mad and interrogate her, just ask if you can come along and hang out with them next time. If she has guys around and it's not cool for you to be there, then I'd say something shady is going on.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Wow, it sounds like you and the responder below me are really into controlling their girlfriends.You say your girlfriend is going off to college. She's going to meet a lot of people there, like-minded people that she will want to hang out with. Half of the people she'll meet will be male, and she shouldn't just restrict herself from being friends with them just because they're opposite gender. I think that she's old enough to handle herself...I do empathize with you for her lying so much to you though. I'd feel pretty bad too if my girlfriend had lied to me about how many partners she's had. I can see why you'd feel insecure, because you don't think that she will be faithful to you, with all these college guys hitting on her, and stuff. Well, if you two are actually right for each other, you need to trust her not to do that.It seems like you're passing on your insecurities to her by controlling her like that, and eventually she'll feel too fenced in and you'll lose her. No one wants to feel trapped in a relationship, so you need to back off and let her have her space and her friends.
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A
male
reader, Wreck +, writes (29 June 2009):
 Dont let these people tell you that your a control freak first off your not a control freak your doing whats right , your completly right every guy does kind of want to get into girls pants and if its 3 on 3 then its obviously meant to be they had it planned before they even went that they would each have a guy. You have every single right to tell her not be with those guys because it bothers you and if she loves you enough she will listen and tell her freinds whats up. I also think that its good that you told her you want to hear from her but let her know why you want to hear from her when shes with her freinds let her know that you truly do care about her and you think its good to let you know how she is.. dont text her all the time though you know just like one text is fine like hey whats up when r u going home? and when she tells u then just be like ok babe ill talk to u then .. u know? ... let her know u do that just because u want to know if shes fine. Play it reverse one night tell her hey im going to go out with my homie and 2 girls we're just going to go bowling and then somewhere eles after dont let her know where though and if she gets crazy and starts telling you you cant go out then let her know that its only fair because she goes out with guys why cant you go out with girls?... you know.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): Why should you both isolate yourself from the opposite sex?Everybody needs friends of both genders. Your heart has to lie with her. If you can't trust her, then leave her, but don't pick and choose her friends.It just doesn't work like that.Good luck.
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A
male
reader, Injeopardy +, writes (29 June 2009):
Injeopardy is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust to set it straight, I don't get mad at her for her past. We both know she made a lot of mistakes, she just tried hiding a lot from me. It just bothered me a bit that she felt she had to lie about how many guys she has had sex with.
First it was 4, then it was 9 almost 10. I wanted her to be honest in the first place is all.
I just don't want her to feel she needs to lie about things to me. It's what started me going downhill in the first place =/
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (29 June 2009):
 First off, I can kind of see where you are coming from with this. I find it very rare that a guy is ever 'just friends' with a girl. Girls can definitely just be friends with guys, but not vice versa. These guys that she says are different probably aren't, and they probably have sex on the brain just like every other guy out there. The thing is though, men are half the population, and your girlfriend will constantly be in contact with them whether you like it or not. Whether it is through school or through work, it's going to happen. And guess what, she's going to talk to them! So with the knowledge that guys are just the way they are, the trust has to lie with your girlfriend. She is going to hang out with guys no matter what she says, because she's made it apparent that she's not willing to give up her friendships for the sake of your comfort. Not saying that's a bad or good thing, it's just silly of you to expect her to change. The question you are going to have to ask yourself is are you willing to accept that?It's horrible that she is willing to lie to you about things instead of just tell you up front that she is going to have guy friends regardless. That's just dishonest. But it isn't really fair for you to expect her to change either. You're going to have to open up to the fact that she is going to have guy friends, because she doesn't see eye to eye with your rules. Are you going to stick around for that? Or are you going to leave her and maybe find someone that has the same ideals you do? It's your choice. Just know that you're not going to persuade her otherwise (and she's going to probably continue to lie if you stick to your guns about the rules). Which is sad, because relationships are supposed to be associated with trust, and when they are not, they are far less enjoyable. So good luck!
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (29 June 2009):
 WTF do you want to change her mind for? WTF do you want to tell her what kind of friends she can have? If you can't trust other guys that's your problem, not hers. You need to take a huge step back and stop being a control freak. I don't even know why she agreed to that craziness in the first place.
You can't put her in a cage. Stop trying.
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A
female
reader, betty_black  +, writes (29 June 2009):
 I dont understand why you are restricting each other so much. Why arent you allowed to simply hang out with the opposite gender? All of my friends are boys and my boyfriend has girlfriends too, we dont mind. It doesnt mean youre doing anything with them, theyre simply friends. And you need to chill out on the whole texting thing, shes out having a good time, she doesnt want to or need to be telling you every step of the way how she is and what shes doing. Your not the controller of her and vice versa, its a relationship, youre not a pair of robots. Even if the guys shes hanging out with want to get in her pants, she wont accept because it seems that she loves and wants to be with you, and what will happen will happen. So if she was to cheat, you'd know that it wasnt meant to be. You really need to relax, girls can purely be friends with the opposite gender, its not always a sexual thing. And everyone has a past! But thats all it is, the past, you cant distrust her because of that! And maybe she does need to have guys in her life, i dont get along with girls and maybe she likes these guys company! You cant rule who she hangs out with. Let go. These are just your insecurities ruling what could be a beautiful relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2009): YOU ARE GOING TO LOSE HER!!!!
You are placing your insecurities on her and making them her responsibility not yours.
Eventually she will not be able to put up with your requests (demands) as to what she can and cant do.
When you do eventually lose her, you may realise and treat the next one different!
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A
male
reader, The Gentle Man +, writes (29 June 2009):
 You just need to get over your insecurities. She is well entitled to have friends of both sexes and believe it or not, if they are close friends the chances are they do not want into her pants.
If you feel uneasy get to know them.
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