A
female
age
,
*amarosa
writes:I'm new here. I'm 51 and divorced. This is really for the more mature crowd. I would really like to figure out how this could have happened to me, twice now. My background is I married at 36 and my husband left me, for another woman after 16 yrs together. I did what I thought was a lot of healing and growing after that. About 9 months after my Ex left (and I was fully divorced by then) an old friend from 30 yrs ago contacted me. We spoke by phone regularly, every couple days. I heard him say he loved me. After 5 months, I flew to see him in person. Within 36 hours, I was dismissed by him. He said there were 'no sparks' and that he'd rather die alone than to 'settle'. I left immediately. It took some time to recover from that.Fast forward to this last December, over 2 yrs since my Ex left, over 18 months since the 'old friend' incident. Another old friend, from 30 years ago contacts me! I told him I hesitate to proceed, because of what happened. He assured me that 'I am not him' referring to that other man. This man calls me every single day, for over 5 months. I hear "I love you" more than a few times. I feel uncomfortable, and I tell him to 'tell me to my face'. I am absolutely sure that I did not misconstrue his intentions. He was quite jealous in April. and I had to tell him that unless 'he moves toward me' (i.e. coming to visit) that we don't have a real relationship - yet)In April, arrangements were made for him to visit. A plane ticket, a date. A couple days before his flight, he did not call. That concerned me as his flight was impending. Within 24 hours of his flight, he called. He told me he had been in the hospital. He sited having a flesh eating bacteria. (believe it or not) This deeply distressed me. I canceled the flight, rental car. He was not calling as regularly and when he did, it was hurried and telling me the details of all the 'bad luck' he'd been having. (in addition to the 'bacteria' there was some broken toes and a car accident)Well, after close to 4 weeks after his canceled flight, he calls and tells me "I've met someone...and things really took off. It just happened.." He tells me that he still wants us to be 'close' and that I am 'special'. He got two lengthy emails from me, telling him how I do not buy the 'it just happened' excuse. (My theory: 3 things have to 'happen' before it 'just happens'. You have to be OPEN, give or receive and OFFER and ACT upon it. IF, you stop the process before any of these 3 steps, it "does not happen")I told him that I was not interested in maintaining some superficial connection while another woman gets all his affection, protection and intimacy. What is left for me? The baggage? By phone no less. He kept on calling and emailing, leaving messages, for about 2 weeks. Yet he showed no signs of misgivings or change of heart. I finally had to be more blunt. "I want a truly connected, loving, intimate relationship. And I can't have that with someone's boyfriend"This truly breaks my heart, that I had to do this. All I wanted was a chance. His decision says I wasn't even worth that chance, even after 6 months. I need to learn that men's words are empty. And when I hear "I love you" -"you are so special" - (even in the marriage vows with my Ex) my reactions should be: uh,huh....whatever.It seems that I am SO special to a lot of men, but not special enough for them to make me the ONE.Looking back, this is what has happened to me my entire life. Even before my marriage (it just took my Ex a lot longer to reject me) and now it is starting to happen again. I am now 51, totally alone. No husband, no children, no parents, no brothers or sisters. No nieces or nephews, no uncles. I have 2 cousins and an elderly Aunt some 1000 miles away. In the last 3 years, I've had major surgery (had to recover all alone) and another hospitalization. My bills have doubled(without the EX) and my income is cut in half. No alimony. I lost my health insurance (due to my EX) and I have a pre-existing condition. I am denied coverage. I am in relentless pain ALL THE TIME. I've lost 2 of my cats, including my 'heart cat'. And these two 'phone relationship' debacles which weigh heavy on my heart. And now no phone calls....It's hard to have any hope. I know God will see me through this dark tunnel. That's all I have to hang on to. Has anyone else been through this?
View related questions:
cousin, divorce, jealous, my ex, spark Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, mamarosa +, writes (29 June 2012):
mamarosa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the responses. This site has exceeded my expectations. The responses are not just insightful but carefully crafted. No one is curt or dismissive. And you are willing to give the necessary 'reality checks' when needed. The resounding thing I take away from this discussion is the faulty LD phone relationship issue. BTW, these 2 men were not Ex's. If memory serves, we did hang out for a couple years(respectively) and there was some kissing but I never slept with them. They both found someone who interested them more. So, I might have been the 'one who got away' or the one that got passed over more correctly. G's Girl you hit it on the head when you said: This past December, man #2 from 30 yrs ago. What's up with these guys? They must be noticing Facebook et al, and thinking about the one that got away ;-) or they are losers who never had a chance, their lives didn't turn out the way they want, so they reconnect. The reasons they leave don't matter, because it's about them not being right, and not about something being wrong with you!I heard this almost verbatim from Man #2 "I never thought my life would turn out like this" As for me, before December, I was 'chugging' along. (my RA was in remission, my cat was still alive) I was like Cerberus put it: I prefer to start relationships from a position of strength, happiness and confidence. THAT'S where I felt I was, well, at least quasi-happiness. I was no longer mourning the loss of Man #1 or my Ex. When he started calling it was intensely negative talk from him. I guess I thought he just needed to vent. He's 52, never married. He had a 13 yr, 7 yr and a 3 yr relationship that all ended disastrously. According to him they were disloyal to him. I was encouraging, and tried to uplift him Near the 'end' of our encounter he said: You've been there for me at the worst point of my life, That (you) means the world to me.Then he told me he 'met someone'I told him: How lucky was I? To have stood you up, dusted you off and got you ready for someone else? Sadly, that is why I had to cut it off completely with this man. No friendship.Because I would surely be the avenue for all his venting and negativity so he could present himself as charming and positive to this new woman. No, she gets all of him now. it breaks my heart because I was willing to accept the 'good, bad and the ugly' in him, and would have hoped he would have for me too. Still there was something deep down, something very touching, that I was trying to reach. I saw glimpses of it. Unless he conceals all of it, his real thoughts and attitudes would make a woman's eyes pop out of her head. : 0Anonymous 123--- I clearly didn't 'go around looking for a guy' : ) These two came knocking on my virtual door. But I was the one who opened the door. I will not give up and resign myself to being alone, nor will I go pursuing men.It will have to be somewhere in the middle ground. G's Girl----As for the colleague who knows someone with Rheumatoid. Yes, it's true. I know someone who has had multiple joint replacement surgeries. Thank God she has insurance. And, there is something more tragic out there: Juvenile RA. It robs children of their childhood.I am VERY grateful to have had 39 pain free years. I got to visit 90 countries while playing the saxophone! What a blessing. Thank you all again,
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): Seems I misread this whole situation completely, I apologise OP. I can be very wrong sometimes.
I stand by my face-to-face relationships idea though. LDR's, phone relationships, online relationships not only do they not contain very much physical intimacy not just in terms of sex but just being around each other, but as my previous reply is evidence of you really can misread a person and/or their intentions if you're not with them in person when they say the things they do.
I also stand by my opinion on your state of mind, I've made the mistake of starting dating while still hurt or a bit bitter over my last one and it left me exposed, needy and vulnerable to getting hurt again. I prefer to start relationships from a position of strength, happiness and confidence. So that I can properly vet women in terms of what they have that I want, not need. I've also been very lucky it seems to never have felt lonely when single, I just will never get how people can feel lonely when not in a relationship when you have lots of friends and family, and ways to make new friends and even date.
That's the one thing I find that really kills people when it comes to dating. Starting from a position of loneliness is a very vulnerable position, the mind has an amazing way of playing tricks to the point where words have far too powerful an effect and become enough for a person to believe their true without the actions to back them up.
I wish you the best OP. Sometimes life can be shit, very often other people can be asses my solution is always action. I'm not a hugs and comfort type of man. I like people to tell me I'm being an idiot if I am and I like them to suggest practical solutions which I can attempt to fix things that are wrong. I find it's so easy to wallow in misery and even easier to stay miserable with the sympathy and comfort of others. If I keep myself uncomfortable then I'll act far quicker to fix things. Perhaps you're different and need the comfort and closeness of confidant to work through things, whatever it is you need go ahead and do it by maybe my way may work for you. I always start with easiest things to fix and work my way up. Even the most minor of problems when fixed can be a huge relief and creates momentum.
I was unhappy with being obese so I worked out, I was unhappy with my financial situation so I went back to college to start a better career, I was unhappy with my physical prowess so I went back doing martial arts, I wanted to expand my knowledge so I learned a new language, dedicated myself to reading practical books etc. For me self-improvement was the easiest solution to my woes and I haven't looked back. If the problem was me feeling sad or low then I was the solution and there really was no point in ever bringing anyone else into that equation until I solved that.
All the best OP, I hope these times don't last long for you.
...............................
A
female
reader, G's_Girl  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Dear Mamarosa,
Welcome to the site! I've arrived late to the "party" due to time differences and whatnot, but I'd still like to comment.
So you're 51 - that is the new 41 in today's age ;) which means, you have a lot of living left, and your strong independent personality is going to get you through it!
Trying to figure out why it happened to you, twice, may not necessarily product any clarity. The reason being, it hasn't only happened to you, and it's not your age, or anything about you. It just happens because all of us had to go through some frogs to get to the Prince. Ok, maybe not all of us, but judging by the other posters, many of us :) so already you can take heart that it's not just you. The rain is not falling only on you, like that funny movie with Jim Carrey sitting at the beach, all down in the dumps, and it only rains on top of him ;-)
Sorry to hear that your husband left after 16 years! That is a deep betrayal, and one that would flatten many others. You stood up again, you found the courage and strength, and you tried again - 3 cheers for you! It's not you, it's THEM! I'll continue...
Tsk tsk to the old friend from 30 yrs ago. At least for a time, until you met up again, you had some excitement and friendship, so just for that it would have been worth it. Him dismissing you after 36 hours is a blessing in disguise, even though you may not see it. Why? He could have left the "no sparks" to himself, and kept things going, to see if the sparks would fly eventually. He could have wasted another year, or two, or 16 before leaving too. Better to leave early, thereby leaving you FREE to pursue life, and hopefully end up with someone MUCH BETTER than him ;-) everything happens for a reason, so ... this is an opportunity rather than a mistake.
This past December, man #2 from 30 yrs ago. What's up with these guys? They must be noticing Facebook et al, and thinking about the one that got away ;-) or they are losers who never had a chance, their lives didn't turn out the way they want, so they reconnect. The reasons they leave don't matter, because it's about them not being right, and not about something being wrong with you!
This particular one proved to be quite the liar. If he met someone else, he could have just said so, instead of all the elabote excuses of bad health, accidents, etc. Who wants a coward for a partner - so good riddance. See, you were spared again.
So perhaps it's not about it happened to you AGAIN. It should be, THANK GOODNESS IT HAPPENED AGAIN, because now it has taught you EVEN MORE, and made you stronger, and you have grown and learnt from each of these experiences. For instance, now you know, no more friends from 30 yrs ago. Also, no more phone call romances ;-) the list goes on. Get the idea?
As for the "I LOVE YOU"... so much to be said! Instead, there is an article on this site by Cerberus on exactly that: women, don't go on what a guy says, go on his ACTIONS! I TOTALLLLLLY agree with this, because it's what I've experienced in my own life. I've had the type who regularly gave me red roses, grand gestures, and the flowery words of I LOVE YOU often, daily... yet he was the biggest liar ever! I've also got the type now who DOES NOT say the words, but his actions say I LOVE YOU over and over every day, in everything he does for me, his thoughtful gestures, his taking on the world for me, his support and encouragement, his patience, his LOVE. Shown in actions in the small and big things of life. It truly is about their character, personality and behaviour, than about saying "I love you" which I know we as women love to see or hear, but trust me, it's better to feel it and know it and believe in it and be at peace in that wonderful true love, than to just hear it but question everything about them which turns out to be fake. So until they say it and follow up with action, it's just empty words. Even for us literal girls!
Keep your high standards, your principles and everything you have done until now. You are doing everything right, you've just really had the misfortune of having the wrong guys. It happens to some of us in our 20's, others in their 30's, and you're still having it at 51, but don't take it personally, don't question yourself, and don't doubt yourself. Make sure you keep doing things that boost your self esteem, because these incidents do take a knock out of us, but you continue to heal and grow and I believe you will come out on top, triumphant and in love, one day! You deserve it, as do all of us.
The comment: "It seems that I am SO special to a lot of men, but not special enough for them to make me the ONE" Once again I reiterate, they have just been the wrong guys. You ARE special, and you will be appreciated, valued and loved, when the right one comes along. It may happen soon, or it may take some time, but eventually it will happen, especially to one with such a big heart, full of love, and a romantic! Don't give up on love, and what you desire most.
We all question ourselves when this happens. We think it's us. We think it's what we said or didn't say. What we did or didn't do. We think all the way back to school. We think IT'S US. Our fault. It really isn't. Only when you're with the right one, and open that pandoras box when you feel safe with them, you do the soul searching, discovering, growing and complete healing. You realise it wasn't about you, you were with the wrong ones. Because with the right one, you don't need to change a thing. You can be yourself, and they will love you as you are. They will appreciate everything about you. Unconditional love. Have hope and keep up the faith.
You're 51, and although physically you are alone, you're not alone in spirit. All us ladies on here who have responded, you can see we have been through some of what you have, in our own way. We can relate, and we empathise. We also support you and are here for you. Join our site, and as you get answers to your questions, read some of the other questions and add value to those that are still to go through what you have. You have all this experience and can guide them, and help you not feel so alone.
As for the 2 cousins and the Aunt far away - they are far away in distance, but with technology and social networking, they are a click away ;-) Re-connect, and well done for being a computer user! See, things could be a lot worse ;-)
Sorry to hear about the Rheumatism Arthritis... I have a colleague at work whose wife suffers from this, and as he said, he would not wish that on his worst enemy. You are very strong and courageous. I'm glad you have your faith, as you said, to see you through this dark tunnel of endless pain. (Hugs)
So in answer to your question, YES, some of us have gone through similar experiences, in one way or another. You are not alone. Find comfort in knowing you are not alone, and that we suppport you.
I hope we can give you hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel. That there are great guys out there, who are worthy of our love. Continue to trust and believe that, and I pray you find healing, growth and peace, happiness and LOVE :)
Best Wishes.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 'I guess I am hurting because I don't 'take leftovers' from men'
Yep right and also true. Nobody should accept someone else's poor behaviour just so they don't have to be alone. Of course there is compromise and tolerance but lying, gambling, cheating, beating, stealing, manipulation, ignoring, raping neglecting etc...it's all out there and should be avoided at all cost.
I take it that my way of coping isn't so popular, but I have lived through a lot of rejection (starting from an early age)I have been through all the sadness, depression and self denigration and I have come out the other side, which I think was what you were asking originally?
I cannot give anyone the remedy to find true love, nobody can. Life is random and chaotic and we just have to hope for the best and prepare for the worst and as the saying goes
'Pain is inevitable but suffering is a choice'
Life still holds happiness for us all.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): hi OP I'm so sorry to hear about the misfortunes you have gone through.I think that your only mistake with the two new relationships was that they were phone relationships.You're right - do not believe "I love you" if it comes from someone whom you have only spoken to on the phone and the relationship has not involved any actual and frequent face-to-face interaction.It's just not possible to say, sincerely, "I love you" (in the romantic and intimate sense) when you haven't even spent time face to face in person. So, if a man says that and it's only been a phone relationship, you should not believe it.I think things will go better next time if you get involved with a man who is HERE in person, not long distance over the phone. at least you'll establish a rapport that's based on something more solid, and you can read each other's non verbal cues and get a better connection that way or at least a better idea of where you stand with him.You're also absolutely right that things don't "just take off" - that there has to be the willingness and the decision to take action. So, your bf was cheating on you if he had already said "I love you" to you and professed to be exclusive. so I would say the lessons learned:Stay away from phone-based relationships. If a relationship is by phone only, do NOT believe any "I love you's" . Not until the relationship has progressed to an actual in-person one.In fact, be wary of men who would say "I love you" when only a phone relationship. They're either insincere, trying to manipulate you, throw words about freely so the words are meaningless, or they're so emotionally unstable if they truly think they love you when they haven't even met you in real life.
...............................
A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (29 June 2012):
 I read your question and the varied responses to it, and the first thought that came into my mind was, why do you even need a man?? Life has been hard to you but you are 51 years old, you've been alone for a large part of your life and have turned out just fine, why do you need a man now? A woman does not need a man to complete her and till you accept this, you will always be bitter and angry. To HELL with those men who betrayed you, to hell with your husband, life does not stop for any man. You are hardworking, independent, you're even cool for your age! Sure you have problems with your health and you sound low but take the necessary steps to rectify that and you will bounce back.
"In the last 3 years, I've had major surgery (had to recover all alone) and another hospitalization." Look at this as the cup half full! You did it all by yourself and you didn't need anyone! You're a hero!!
You've managed the most difficult bits of life alone, so dont throw it all away now for a useless guy. If someone worthwhile comes along, great! If not, accept that that's how its meant to be. A wise aunt here once told me, its better to be alone than have to carry someone else. These men in your life were nothing but unnecessary baggage that you had to carry, while they had a free ride. Well, that's life and I'm sure you know it better than I do! Its unfair but that's how it is.
Dont go around looking for a guy anymore, keep your options open but listen to your inner voice that tells you when something isn't right, I'm sure you ignored it before with both the idiots.
...............................
A
male
reader, empty-1 +, writes (29 June 2012):
Wow, much ado about nothing.Yes, mamarosa, others have been through the wringer. Like you, some of us have been hurt, tossed aside, used, and tossed aside again. Some of us have ended up all alone when we really needed someone.Honey, I'm a lot younger than you are, and have been through some of those wringers a lot more than you might think.Yeah, men can be real asshats. Women can be bat sh!t crazy b!tchz too. Yeah, when we're feeling the raw, the pain, the freshness of it, the insult that comes with it, the humiliation, self degredation, and the morass that comes with rejection and dishonesty, we tend to fall into despair.I'm surprised that so many well respected aunts here took it so rough on you. I recognized pretty quickly the same sort of point of view and typing 'voice' that I so desperately wanted to embrace when I engaged in a bit of healthy self pity. (don't let anyone tell you that it's no good feeling sorry for yourself, it really can help, if kept to moderation).The trick, as I have found it, is kind of backwards. A young man once asked me if I knew how to make the pain of being dumped by someone he really loved any better. He, like have done, was allowing himself a bit of pity-me time. I kinda just blurted out "well, yeah, what you gotta do is just get over yourself". He didn't get angry, he got sort of quizzical. I explained to him that one of the real reasons (not the only one, but one of the biggies) that it hurts so much to be rejected like that is that we placed a part of our own self worth into the relationship, and now not only is the other person telling us that it wasn't worth keeping (neither the relationship, nor that part of us) but that we weren't worth it. Then, to top it all off, we find ourselves questioning our own judgement and worth, because obviously, we thought wrong!"get over yourself" I explained to him, is a crude way of saying, it's ok to screw up. It's ok to lose this. Things sometimes don't work, through no fault of our own! Realizing that we can still have, reclaim, if you will, that part of our own self worth that we invested in the relationship. It's not gone just because the relationship is. Don't let your ego hurt you worse than the other person could.It's ridiculously difficult to do, getting over yourself. However, I have found that if I put it into that context, it helps me steel myself against the hurt.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I am wondering - do you think your fear of rejection is leading you to be rejected? that your fear of rejection is projected and you are unintentionally and unkowingly creating a presence about yourself leading people to reject you? Do you think that if you were 100% happy in yourself and only depended on yourself to make you happy, that you would draw more people towards you?
...............................
A
female
reader, mamarosa +, writes (29 June 2012):
mamarosa is verified as being by the original poster of the question@BondGirl72thanks so much for the response. I am not looking to be validated as much as all opinions out there. But I do thank you for seeing that I am not 'mental'.I rescue/foster cats for a national org. I give 'till it hurts' and have been advised to stop doing things (free work) for people and take time to take care of me. That has not been my nature and I need to take that advice. I do want an honest man. Even the last man (by phone) was deceptive with me for weeks. He kept his new relationship to himself, until he felt it wouldn't fizzle, then he felt secure enough to tell me. My Ex lied to me from before we were married. That is hard to take. It feels like your whole life has been a sham.The reason I 'took to' these 'old friends' is because I actually knew them, long ago. I at least knew they weren't a perfect stranger, and deceiving me, like in the movies. And even by phone, it felt better than going on awkward first dates that turn into interviews or worse, interrogations. With old friends, you can reminisce. Do you get that? But true enough, I should stay away from LD and phone relationships. I tried SO hard to guard my heart, this second time around. But a simple "good night, hun, sweet dreams" goes a long way when you put your hands across your neck every night, so as not to feel so alone. I guess I am hurting because I don't 'take leftovers' from men. It's a clean break, so I can heal. I will take the time. I appreciate all comments and use them to examine myself. It could always be something I never realized. I use my brain to process everything, even the harsh. Thanks for your response. : )
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (29 June 2012):
 Yes Bond girl. excellent ideas, service to turn your self out ward. Being aware of internet relationships. and people at my age and the Original Posters age know what a real date is. That would be so much better.
Sorry I couldn't say it as well.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (29 June 2012):
 By the way, I like cats and I believe in God, so you have a friend in me! You might be interested to know I am helping out a stray mother cat and her 3 babies. I guess I'm one of those crazy women too!
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (29 June 2012):
I am sorry for the beating you have taken by some of the posters here. I do not think you want a "knight" to come and swoop you away. You sound like every other woman I know wanting to find a decent honest man to be with. I also do not think you sound like some "mental case" who needs to sort out her life. Once again, you sound like many women I know who begin relationship with a man and soon find out that he is a fickle jerk who doesn't want you after all. Those situations hurt especially when you make yourself vulnerable to getting to know and man and starting a relationship. It sounds like you have had a lot of misfortune lately and it might be helpful just to be single for awhile. I know you have been single long enough, but after experiencing these hurtful situations with men, I think you may need to be alone to heal. One thing I think you should consider is doing away with phone relationships. I think any other old friends who call you should be politely told that "if you want to date me, then you need to come to my home, pick me up, and date me." Otherwise, I would ignore any phone calls and emails. I know phone calls and emails are welcome when you are lonely. But, you must keep them on a more formal level and not get your heart involved. As far as those who came to you in person, like someone else said..."some guys are jerks". I am sorry this happened to you, but it did. It is time to move forward from these situations and find somethings you enjoy in life. You said you had cats, why not adopt another cat or volunteer at your local animal shelter? I am single also and I have found that my life is so much better if there is a way I can help others or invest myself in something I really care about. There are also all kinds of groups online that you could join that may match some of your interests. I do not think you sound bitter, you are simply telling your story in an open and honest way. In fact, I thought you sounded very factual. To answer your question, yes, I have experienced this and I have been very disappointed at times and very depressed. But, you need to see these men as what they are...immature. Some people (men and women) never grow up and never know their own minds. One minute they're telling you they love you, the next, they have someone else. You were upfront and honest. You did the right thing...just don't let it damage your self-esteem. In every situation/relationship I'm in, I always ask myself "Did you do what you thought was right? Did you do what made sense at the time? If it didn't turn out like I wanted, how can I change the next time?" If I was geuine, honest, and felt like I did what I could, and someone leaves...then that is their problem, not mine.
...............................
A
female
reader, mamarosa +, writes (29 June 2012):
mamarosa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionForgive me OP, I really mean no offence by this and I don't say it make you feel bad but your post makes you sound like a bitter, religious, crazy cat lady. Sorry but that's how it sounds. One of those ladies who who shakes their fists at the neighbourhood kids for playing ball too close to her house and stabs any ball with a knife it gets into her garden.(Excuse my ignorance, but I don't know what OP stands for)So, if I mention God I am 'religious' and if I mention cats I'm a 'crazy cat lady'. Bitter? No. With every new experience I try to put my best foot forward with all optimism. But I keep on getting crushed as I do so. The last part of your paragraph makes me laugh. I'm not some 'old lady' bent over in a muu muu in the garden.I play sax in a freakin' convention band. I climb scafflod 27 ft in the air without ropes. Or at least I used to when I was healthy enough. IMO, life has handed me some hard blows lately. I wanted to know if anyone else had come through this kind of stuff. I am sorting, trying to find new solutions all the time. I may not sound 'appealing' but I am not someone who promotes my own greatness a lot. Anyways, thanks for the opinion. Afterall, it's what I came here for. Gives me more to think about.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): The thing about exes is they usually became an ex for a reason. Relationships with exes are usually dysfunctional and do not last often for the same reason(s) it didn't work the first time.Instead of looking for intimacy with men from your past, you need to act in your present to meet new people. Depression, loneliness, and negativity can all increase the degree of physical pain you are experiencing. You believe in God. Are you a member of a church? You may want to begin attending social functions (if you are). You might meet someone there. Next, you could volunteer time with a local animal rescue. You may be able to bond with someone over your love of cats. You need to make some friends, not just look for a companion.Did you ever want children? If so, maybe you could look into becoming a foster parent. It would supplement your income while you reap the rewards from being there for a child who has noone to love and care for them.
...............................
A
female
reader, mamarosa +, writes (29 June 2012):
mamarosa is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I appreciate your response Fatherly.What I bring to the table is an extremely strong, independent personality in a woman. My mother killed herself when I was 5. My father died in my care when I was 40. I have never had the luxury of having close family. I am not whiny or needy. I am extremely low maintenance. My Ex had all the freedom he ever wanted. He took it too far, lying about the $132K of debt he hid from me and the woman. What I have to offer is a 100% loyal woman. I am creative, a lifelong professional musician and a Faux Finish Artisan. I like the simple things in life. I am not materialistic nor a gold digger. I own my home outright. I am well spoken and intelligent, street smart and I don't suffer fools. I am (or was) very literal and thought words actually mean something. I am petite, 110lbs and of average looks. I am not bemoaning my situation. I am presenting it. This is how it is. I still have gratitude for what I do have. I should have said that in the post. The things that I believe don't 'just happen' have to do with relationships (people who say they have no control over their bodies) not situations and certainly not medical. Believe me, Rheumatoid Arthritis 'just happened' to me. There was no 'set up and follow through for my cat dying'. So you confuse the issue here greatly. I will think on what I might be doing to push men away, perhaps they are intimidated by me. Maybe it's that they don't want to deal with someone who is chronically ill. Maybe it's my somewhat co-dependent nature. I've been working on that. I do know that I have a heart of Gold. Just don't know why a man can recognize it and still choose someone else.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 June 2012): I have to agree with FatherlyAdvice, the way you speak about your life and yourself doesn't exactly make you sound like a "catch" OP. You sound like you want a white knight to fly down on a cloud of daisies and help you escape your solitude, which looks to me like it has also made you far too tolerant of shitty guys and bad situations.
First things first, "old friends" from years ago can piss off in that sense. If they didn't make the effort to remain a part of your life what makes you think you can rely on them now? So they just get to call you up out of the blue and have you as an option? Suddenly think of you and want to "catch up"? No thanks.
"I need to learn that men's words are empty." Well duh, of course they are, actions and behaviours are the truth, not words. If the words don't match the actions or behaviour then they're bullshit and no your reaction shouldn't be a bitter teenager sounding "whatever", it should be, "oh yeah?
well then show me that, prove that I am that special."
Screw phone relationships, you may aswell spend a few hundred bucks a day on calls to some stupid psychic hotline for all the worth you get from a phone relationship and got isn't going to hold you at night and kiss the back of your neck and tell you he loves you.
Forgive me OP, I really mean no offence by this and I don't say it make you feel bad but your post makes you sound like a bitter, religious, crazy cat lady. Sorry but that's how it sounds. One of those ladies who who shakes their fists at the neighbourhood kids for playing ball too close to her house and stabs any ball with a knife it gets into her garden.
You even talk about this being for the more mature crowd, well the teenagers who post here could probably teach you a thing or two about life OP. You're not some worn out old hag that keeps getting screwed over by life, you're a person who has things she needs to sort out because they're making you feel bitter and alone.
If you need help with your bills then contact a local charities for food donations if you're struggling, get medicare sorted, go to the many government services and seek financial help if you're stuck, or sell your place and go move in to a smaller, cheaper place. Go to a doctor and find out what you need to do to solve your pain or find ways of easing it somehow.
OP you need to sort out your life a bit before you go near guys again, because you're looking to them as a fix or as an escape and you're putting too much of a weight of expectation on them because of it and getting let down by that too.
You see not having much money is not a problem if you can feed yourself, have a roof over your head and are healthy or being treated for whatever pain you have. It's only a big deal if you let it be and let it get you down or don't have enough money to survive.
You need to get rid of all the tiny little things that have built up to this point of unhappiness. Stay away from guys for the moment, you're not in the right frame of mind to have fun while dating. Start reviewing your expenses and get a stricter budget if you're struggling. Find a way of getting your healthcare sorted. OP hope alone is not going to fix this for you, real hope is actually doing something practical and productive to fix things. Would you sit there in your bed hoping and praying that the fire in your house is not going to consume you or would you grab your cats, break open the window and escape with them?
Time to start putting out those fires OP, time to start fixing what's broken and what's breaking you and not stopping until you've fixed them. don't take no for an answer and don't sit there by the phone in hope, take control. It's time you built up a life worth sharing again and only then can you find a guy who just might deserve to share it with you. Because be honest OP, if a guy wrote what you wrote in your question would he really sound that appealing as a potential partner? Doesn't to me but it's not go to do with you as a person, just the things you've yet to sort out.
...............................
A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (28 June 2012):
Not exactly the same but similar and equally damaged and dissapointed by what I have been through. I also went through heart surgery last year and although I do have family, they all live hundreds of miles away so I had to cope more or less alone.
I have to imbue hope by saying not all men are rotters, but from what I have been through and for the many years I have been an agony aunt here, I have seen a definite pattern of male behaviour where relationship and sex are concerned.
One thing I learned is that distance will always be a problem (unless you have a firm plan to be cloder). Another thing I learned is that men use the Love word way too soon without thinking about it's true impact on a woman. They rush in usually on a testosterone filled cloud and when saitiated, they often back off, change track, stop calling and look elsewhere.
I maintain that the internet is the single biggest contributor and enabler to infidelity and breakdown of established relationships because the internet is covert, unseen, faceless and people play within those veils and before they know it they are becoming emotionally invested before they have even met in the flesh...it's human nature directly conflicting with modern technology...and people are being dumped and passed over at an alarming rate!!!!
I am 47, slightly younger than you and I have dated since divorce 8 yeras ago. I have been elevated to the heights of excitement and plunged to the depth of despair when I have been cast aside and it's painful, damaging and tiring.
I am with you 100% on the pure exasperating nonsense that some men live by (and some women)they chop and change their minds more often than they change their socks...it got so bad for me at one point that I ended up on anti depressants and could not get out of bed.
None of us wants to be alone in life but as women 'of a certain age' the odds begin to stack against us. Older men look and date younger and younger women. Younger men have started to date older women but it's seldom a good match (although I know some who are very happy)
It's very hard not to get bitter and defensive when you are constantly rejected and other areas of life suffer as a result.
I have chosen to embrace my singledom with a whole heart (I can hear you shaking your head). I gave up the fight (and it was a fight) of constantly thinking about men, who I might meet, would it work out, would I be dumped, was I too fat, thin, old. Would I get conned by a gold digger, would anyone ever love me, could I go without intimacies...on and on my thoughts flowed like a great swirling river...and it was killing me and sapping my energies. I used to beat myself up so badly for 'not being the one, not being better, not being perfect and where did it get me?...absolutely nowhere, it just made me think about ending my life, and that's when I knew I had to let go.
Financially I am secure and I am a do'er who can change a tyre and paint my nails all in the same hour. I am a bit of a home bird, but have a few close friends who I see on occasion. I have focussed more on the real reason I am on this earth and I concluded that I am here to watch over my grown up kids (who also live quite a long way from me...their choice) to revel in my work and friends and just to find peace with myself and love myself, because actually I am pretty darn ok by myself.
We all would love to be loved by a special man and to have them be our all but the reality is that by our age, all the good guys are already living with their queens and the majority of guys and gals out there is single land are single for various good reasons (myself included)
Since I gave up the fight, my outlook has changed considerably and I am experiencing a good deal of happiness for the first time in a very long time.
I don't know if this will help you, but it's offered with love and mutual respect because I have walked your path and I know how you feel.
...............................
A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (28 June 2012):
So men are all a bunch of liars. I can live with that blunt generalization. There are enough bad examples of it out there. But I have as question. What are you bringing to the table? I can see what you want, and I like that, I agree that those are great goals. But, What do you have to offer? The last part of your post makes you look very needy and whiny. You say all this just happens to you, but you know things just don't happen. You explained it your self. There has to be set up and follow through.
If it is happening consistently with you, perhaps it is something you are doing that is pushing these men away. These are mature older men who have been around the block. They have seen a lot and know also what they want. I suspect you are not bringing something to the table that they are looking for.
FA
...............................
A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (28 June 2012):
 I'm sorry :( It sounds like you've got it tough, but you seem like such a strong and independent woman! The only advice I can give is this: live your life for you, doing what makes you happy. Don't anticipate a man to come along and make you happy. You need to be happy on your own. And when you are happy and confident and living a well-rounded, productive life, a great man probably will come along and want to share his life with you. It's never too late...(and yes, their words are meaningless unless and until they put some action behind them!)Find some more hobbies, stay active, join a social group and get to know more people. Do whatever you feel would improve your current situation. I understand that you feel alone, but only you have the power to change that. Work on improving yourself, one day at a time, and things will fall into place. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, oldbag +, writes (28 June 2012):
 HelloSo sorry to hear of all this rotten luck, and the fact you have no family to lean on. As for the men, the last two weren't a relationship they were more long distance phone calls. They were lonely and I guess you were. Telling a woman they love them after 30yrs apart, after a few calls, is crazy. So disregard them and don't go down that route again.As for your Ex, well alot of men leave, no woman is immune, from the rich n famous to us mere mortals.It happens daily sadly.Money wise - can you relocate to somewhere smaller? Cut the living costs? And why no Alimony? Did you get the house?Its hard to say cheer up,it sounds silly, maybe the church is the answer for now, some faith. Your clearly a strong woman and hopefully have a good network of friends. ALOT of us hit rock bottom for various reasons and are here to tell the tale, stronger and wiser.
...............................
|
