A
female
age
41-50,
*arah louise@ marie
writes:Hi, I'm glad i found this site as ive got no one else to talk to. About a month ago my fiance of nearly 4 years an who i have 2 kids with got a new job and started sneaking around and was guarding his phone.It went on for weeks so i looked at his phone when he was sleeping. He was sending somebody else sexual text messeages, meeting in secret and he was lying to me he said it was just an infatuation and a crush and they never did anything together but its eating away at me and im still with him as im so confused i dont know what i want please please help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2007): Hi Sweetie, I hope it all works out okay, it certainly sounds like you caught him in the early flirty stages of cheating, and he has admitted to a crush and infatuation, which must have been awful for you to hear. He can't brush this under the table as had you not discovered the messages then chances are it would still be going on and heading for who knows what next.
That said, it is easy to get carried away with texting, and hopefully now that it's out in the open he will nip it in the bud.
I agree with all the other cupids on here with the exception of Sumutsen who seems to be writing from some 1950's version of the Rules or something! You were quite within your rights to check his phone and I think anyone else would have done the same thing. More fool him for not being more careful, although lucky fo ryou that ge wasn't as it's now out in the open and you can both deal with it!
lots of luck and do pop back and keep us posted on how it goes x x x
A
female
reader, sarah louise@ marie +, writes (14 December 2007):
sarah louise@ marie is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks so much to all those people who replied the advice is very helpfull and it confirms my thoughts and at least i know im not going mad thinking and feeling what im feeling those who have replied have been fantastic thanks no doubt ill need to talk to u again thanku thankuxxx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 December 2007): He's lying.Straight and simple.If it was just lunch with a work-mate or a crush. He wouldn't be so freaking secretive about it.Seriously. Dump the idiot and get someone worth worrying over.Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, lildeesbg  +, writes (13 December 2007):
 okie...though there are kids involved and a strong past between you too, here is something i think is being overlooked... What happens when you tie the knot..and this continues? and you have a past with children...get my point? This situation needs to be dealt with. lets deal with a fact...this man has an intent to cheat. How does that make you feel? Who knows how far it would have gone if you didnt snoop through his phone. So if you do marry this guy is your life going to revolve around you snooping through his things at night in order to make sure he is not cheating? I am speaking so frankly to you because you do have children and you are obviously hurt. However, you are blinded by love. Hey... i would be too, when you share so much with someone only to find out he has wondering eyes and dirty thoughts expressed to another womenAll men and women have wondering eyes, but not to a point where they jepordize something special with someone they love. It sounds like something, at least on his part is missing in the relationship. You need to talk with him about what could be missing and attempt to rebuild trust. I think couples counseling might be an option. Since he did wrong he needs to respect how you want to handle this. Is this cause for break up? Who knows it depends on his response and action towards all this. At the end of the day, if you feel everytime a text message tone goes off it might be your mans, thats not good. It means that trust is lost. ~dee
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A
female
reader, missmel34  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 This reminds of me of when I caught my ex going to a brothel. He said, "I didn't do anything, I was just going inside with mates". The, "sure I smoked pot, but I didn't inhale", excuse!
Look, only you can call this one. Its a very hard thing to end any relationship especially when theres children involved. You may not be able to do it straight away, ending a long term relationship rarely happens in one swift cut, its a series of severs.
We're all going to tell you here, that the man is a cheater even for the text messages, let alone whatever else he's done. What hes proven to you is that he can't be trusted!
So how do you move on from this point?
As a woman who has discovered that you can't trust your man, you move into preparation & preservation, of yourself and your children.
You prepare your home, your bank account and your childrens lives.You preserve your body, do not have unprotected sex with this man! And finally, you prepare and preserve your heart from another blow. My grandmother used to have a saying, "never expect anything and you won't be disappointed". In other words, don't expect him to not be a snake when hes shown you he is.
He can argue with you that he has not acted on these texts, that its just mucking around, just a few dirty thoughts. Thoughts are what actions are built on. Thoughts of betrayal are the foundations of betrayal. And remember, his words are from this point worth nothing.
I feel for you sweetie, I've been there. Try to play the next hand smart. It hurts like hell, but as a mother of 2 young children thats where your priorities lie.
Just one word, you might not see it now, but there is life after betrayal.
God Bless.
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A
male
reader, Samutsen  +, writes (12 December 2007):
 I think he cheated on you but at this point you want to get over it make sure it is not repeated.You want him back as fully yours, you want peace of mind. you don't want to lose him but win him. Here is my advise, as I said elsewhere.
The key to solve this problem:
1) stop checking on him
2) Never call him when he is out or away for business or any other matter
3) Lessen and shorten the call YOU make to him
4) Look very happy whenever you are together
He will be yours and he will not do anything against you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2007): Sheesh...Does he not understand that even though he said 'they didn't do anything'...he still, in fact cheated? Sending another female sexual text messages, lying to you, guarding his phone and meeting 'someone' in secret tells me you have a fiancee with 'intent to cheat' and he suffers from a 'lack of fidelity to you. I can only imagine how this shattered the trust in this relationship. So what do you do? You have two children with this man, and they need a Father. I would suggest you and he get into counseling, with emphasis on finding out why he isn't willing to put in the time and efforts needed to build a solid foundation for his life partner and his precious children. I am betting he may be a man who has that immature, 'let-me-feel-good-now-and-to-hell-with-everyone-else" syndrome. I think you need to be honest and ask yourself, if this relationship will evolve into something solid, and will you be able to trust him again..or will you always be looking back over your shoulder and wondering? Don't allow yourself to feel unworthy over this...you arenot at fault. But you need to find the courage to examine and make a decison based on his 'worthiness' to you. And please ask yourself, 'is this how you want to proceed in life?' Living with someone who doesn't appreciate you or his family. So what does one do. Do you leave or not? I think you and he need to talk because as it sits right now, you are facing some agonizing choices.
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A
female
reader, rockelle +, writes (12 December 2007):
 Well, the sexual text are enough to drive anyone crazy. That was a violation of your trust all by itself. Now at this point do you wait for him to actually go out and cheat or do you suck it up and move on right now? You have caught him so next time it will be even harder to catch him because he is going to be extra careful. Listen to that little voice inside you, and if you feel like something isn't right then it probably isn't. Womens Intuition we all have it we just have to take advantage of it. You have two children, and they deserve a happy home. If you trust and love this man and believe that he is faithful and dedicated to you then stay. But if you feel betrayed, and unhappy maybe it is time to leave. It is your decision to make and it is not an easy one, so best of luck.
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