A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Im 21 and my spouse is 30. we've been together for almost 4 years now. the problem with us is sex. I want it all the time and cant get enough of it and well, he hardly ever wants it. when we first started dating, we had sex a lot, every chance we got because he always desired me and couldn't seem to get enough of me. now we have sex once a week and it lasts for about 15-20 minutes. he doesn't engage in foreplay and doesnt really want to touch me anymore. often, i don't get to orgasm and im always left unsatisfied and frustrated. it bothers me so much that i end up fighting with him. i have tried talking to him about how i feel but he gets angry with me and it turns into a huge argument. we're planning to get married and spend the rest of our lives together but i cant help but think that this problem is going to be here always and how am i going to be able to handle this? Sometimes i want to have sex so bad that i ask him for it and he refuses so i end up contemplating cheating on him. confession....i have cheated on him in the past because of this... but i have made a vow to myself that i am not going to do that again and its been 1 year since i stopped cheating. Please help me im at my wits end....i try all kinds of things to get him to "want to screw me" like wear lingerie, give him oral, talk dirty, dress more sexy...etc etc. but to no avail. What should i do about this? i have needs too.
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female
reader, youngandrestless  +, writes (4 February 2011):
 does he have any issues getting aroused or staying aroused? part of hte problem is that he is worried he will be embarrassed by his inability to "do the deed" if you truly want to marry him you need to open your lines of communication. i understand it is hard, because to him all it sounds like is you saying he's not enough for you, i know this isnt what you are trying to say, and its hard for a woman to ask her man to try harder. the only thing i can suggest is maybe try talking to a doctor, and if that fails, well honey theres always toys! i agree that it is very frustrating to be left wanting, i know how it feels. i also have to wonder if he was with many women before you? if he is inexperianced he may not feel adequate and he hates that he cant satisfy you, so he doesnt want to try. im not saying he should go bang tons of women, i just think there is more insecurity behind his dissinterest than anything to do with you.
A
female
reader, lemonyliz  +, writes (4 February 2011):
First, would hold off on any marriage plans until you get this worked out. Marrying someone who doesn't fulfill you mentally, emotionally AND physically/sexually won't lead anywhere positive. I would suggest really trying to get to the heart of the problem, is it intimacy issues or is he just not sexually aroused? Sometimes when men are very stressed or tired it can hinder their libido, also a number of medications can make libidos fade. If one of these is the issue then solving the problem of his stress/trying a new medication etc. could solve the problem. If it's intimacy issues (which sounds possible and can happen after one partner cheats--- does he know about the infidelity?) I would suggest couples counseling. in general couples counseling is a good idea when contemplating marriage or after an infidelity. Also, if his physical features have changed in a way that might make him insecure, that can also affect libido. if this is the case discuss what he can do to increase self esteem and make it clear your attraction to him (not just your want to get laid)Try discussing his fantasies and maybe fulfilling one together, in return he could fulfill one of your sexual fantasies. Good luck
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (4 February 2011):
 First of all, you need to express these issues with him again. Don't let him turn it into an argument. If he starts to yell or seems to be getting p-d off, ask him why. Tell him you feel that he desires you less now and it makes you feel sad/upset/hurt/(whatever it may be). Use "I feel" statements more than "You do/don't" statements. You also need to express the fact that you are not getting to climax but he is. If you are a woman who has a hard time climaxing, let him know. Tell him what will help get you off easier, he may be up for trying it. Secondly, you need to buy a dildo or a vibrator and start using it when you feel unsatisfied. Get an awesome shower head too, they're great for masturbation! It will also help you feel satisfied without cheating. I don't get sex as much as I want sometimes, so I take longer showers those days :)Lastly, if talking to him and masturbating on the days you feel unsatisfied don't work, you may need to leave him. Sex is not the only thing in a relationship, but it is very important. I have had many fights about sex with my fiance (I want it more than he does) and I found out that sometimes I am too demanding. That's what turned him off and made him not want to have sex with me. I have changed that and now it's more often. It might be something as small as that for you.Good luck!
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