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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Just to let the ladies know, this DOES NOT AMOUNT TO ANYTHING POSITIVE!Yes, women and men can enjoy sex just as much as the other, but men in general 'do' want it more than women and our feelings towards it are different.Men view sex as 'essential', physically we feel we need it, men are not the same as women where emotional needs come first, for men sexual needs come hand in hand. Where women usually first require an emotional window before any sex can occur, for men sex can be wanted anywhere, anytime, and can be a window for more love where for women it expresses love.But I have seen many women that don't understand this at all, brushing this gender difference aside thinking that they finally got a loving partner 'that's not like the rest' - NO we are all the same on the inside when it comes to this.As I said before we men think of it as essential and depriving it from us and treating sex as though it's some kind of reward just irritates us, and more than learning our supposed lesson it makes us highly resentful - very much so and our behaviours can start to become erratic.Think of it this way, how would you feel if we kept away our emotional feedback and support from you? It's the same, it's unthinkable, taking away from each other what is essential to our make up.Most marriages do fall apart because of lack of sex. It'll really help if this myth of 'using sex as a reward' as a positive method needs to be stopped being spread.I'd like to make it clear though I in no way think that sex is the most important aspect of a relationship, it's the companionship, love and understanding of each other is most important. Nor am I stating anywhere that women depriving men of sex as the sole reason why relationships fall apart I understand full well that that men have their major negativities too and relationships can have diverse reasons for falling apart. Nor am I insinuating that all women do this either.I hope you understand that I'm merely just discussing about this as a topic on its own.My questions are just wide ranging. I'd like to hear from the men how they feel about this, from women whether it actually works or not and what they think etc. etc. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Mymy  +, writes (20 January 2009):
 I agree that sex is an important part of a meaningful relationship, but where does that leave someone like me who is still a virgin and going out with a guy who has already had sex? Is that supposed to mean that if you don't give up your virginity before he gets frustrated, he'll eventually bugger off and leave??? Bit of a blow to my self-confidence there...
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Some men act this way as well. Despite my efforts - sexy lingerie, planned naughty weekends, adventurous etc my husband constantly holds out sex on me. If I am lucky, I will get it once a month. And as a quite young, quite attractive woman I can't tell you how extremely annoying, frustating and depressing it is!
So believe me, men can be just as bad!!!
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A
female
reader, Anonny  +, writes (17 January 2009):
I think I read somewhere that:-
"women use sex to get love from a man" and
"men use love to get sex from a woman"
or words to that effect..!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (17 January 2009):
 I agree with most of what you've said. Using sex as a weapon or giving it out as a reward is not a great idea. A always speak in general terms too. there are always exceptions to the rule. But on average, I think you're correct.
I've said this before, women control sex on this planet. That is just the way it is. Men get lucky and women decide who gets lucky. Men are the hunters.
I'm not sure it would be a great world, generally speaking, if women were as aggressive sexually as men. There would be a definite loss of sexual control. People would be having sex everywhere. The truth is, women can have sex anytime they choose. Most women don't even think about it. They just know they have the power to make that choice. Men do not have that power. They hope to cross paths with a woman who happens to be in the mood for sex. That's why guys say they "got lucky". A guy can leave the house on a Saturday night, trying to look and smell good and wonder if he meet a woman. A woman, if she chooses can sit back and decide who she'd like to meet, who'll buy her a drink, who'll approach her etc.
The major difference is that if men had this power they'd surely abuse it. We are geared to seek sex, especially in our younger years. Also, if you look around you'll see thousands of products to enhance a man's sex life. For women, you'll see thousands of products and advertising for beauty products. For men it's about proving themselves to the women they chase and for women its about looking good during the chase.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): I am gay and let me tell you some men act just the same way. It seems to come from a lower drive for sex resulting in them simply just not understanding how important sex is. Some people see sex as something nice that can be done occasionally while others see it is an absolute must.Holding it back from the person you supposedly love I don't think can have any logical reason that is acceptable. It is an agreesive tactic that usually has the motive of either punishment or power. Another parralel would be hiding all the food in the house and saying no you can't eat. It is just nasty - whichever gender does it.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): I dumped a girl for doing that to me before, she did the whole pissed off but wouldn't tell me the reason why thing "If you don't know then I'm not going to tell you?" What???
So she stayed pissed at me for a few weeks and witheld sex as "punishment", eventually I said fine I'll find a girl that isn't a manipulative b***h and left. 3 years we were together, she was devestated, as was I. She'd never done anything like that before and I wasn't going to stay with a woman that does things like that instead of just saying whats wrong.
She later told me in a teary eye'd "I want you back" phone call that it was over a new dress she bought i told her I didn't like and that she was angry and followed the advice of an article in cosmo magazine on revenge.
I have a new girl now, basically if guys start dumping girls for playing games like that then they might get the message.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Hi
My personal opinion is the two people should both 'want' to have sex for pleasure, and i agree it should not be used as a weapon or bribe or reward.
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A
female
reader, lotus mama808  +, writes (17 January 2009):
 Hahahahaeee. Got it all figured out do ya? I agree with you on most of your point here, as a female, I can't possibly begin to try to discribe the male mind and the wants and needs of a man, like you should not try to do vise versa. I always saw males as having the drive for sex and females having the logic toward it. They do go hand in hand, andone without the other would simply not be right. I see in many situations that a female that feels she wants to "with hold" sex as you might say will usually have good logic in doing so. Seriously, how is one to feel attracted to another when there is damage done before hand? If I don't want to sexually please my husband, it is probably I am either extreamly tired from taking care of our children all day, or perhaps he had offended me beyond shugging it off right away, and I need a small time to process before jumping under the sheets with him. I don't see it as with holding sex, I see it as taking a moment to heal, physically, and emotionally. Men do it too! If you and your lady go to a bar for a good time together, and she spends a majority of the evening talking to some jerk instead of having a good time with you and makes like it is no big deal once you have left, can yu honestly say you are prepared right then and there to make love to her? Probably not. Now, I am aware that there are ladies out there that use sex as a form of control, basiclly, "You behave like a good little boy, and I will give you cookies", and I agree it is wrong, sick and immature. I enjoy watching these ladies get their karma after treating her partner that way! However, to generalize and catagorize the sex's this way is also wrong. We are different, but so much more alike than the opposite sex gives us credit for, male and female. I see relationships get along better than most when they come to terms with the spesific needs of eachother, while understanding their partner as an individual.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Yes, I agree completely that men should also be more understanding in their approach towards asking for sex and sensitive about the way women want it. Inconsideracy is never right. Understanding between the sexes is essential on both sides.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Can I say that I see where you're coming from.
My boyfriend will jst say to me at times, "wanna have sex" and im like? ... shall we have dinner first, or kiss and make it romantic and he jst looks blankly at me as if i am thick?
I think sex in some cases should be acting apon implusive thinking, I think its excitting and so hot when you jst have sex for no reason sometimes, i think it adds a little more excittment into a relationship and it doesnt turn it into some sort of a routine. However, I do prefer when sex, isnt planned out, but, thought of in respect. I like to think that sex is romantic gesture which should be from the heart. Ohh i dno, I'm pretty impulsive on sex. I tend to act different everyday. Some days i want sex jst for sex and others i want it coming from a romatic dinner ... lol
X
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