A
female
age
41-50,
*RANJI
writes:My boyfriend and i have been together for five years. We really love each other and we want to have children. The only problem is that we can't have sex. He finds it difficult staying erect. What really hurts me though is that he will look at porn almost every day - i know this from looking at the browser history on our computer. It isn't just since we've been trying to have children - it's happened pretty much since we met. I've tried to be patient and understanding but I feel so crap. I can never initiate sex and if we ever have 'successful' sex it's when he might, occasionally, want it. I've tried showing an interest in the porn he looks at but he doesn't seem to want to share it with me. I don't know what else to do.
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female
reader, dontpanic +, writes (18 January 2009):
My husband is a self confessed porn addict, he has not been able to maintain an erection with me for a while now. He confesses to looking at porn daily and ejaculating up to four times a day sometimes. Like all addictions the person must want to change their habits and how badly do they want to change. If it's not 100% any therapy will not work. Porn can be such a demorilising factor to a woman in a relationship with a man who has this problem. I think the longer the habit has been going on the harder it is to break.you have to ask yourself the question "will he change"
A
female
reader, dontpanic +, writes (18 January 2009):
My husband is a self confessed porn addict, he has not been able to maintain an erection with me for a while now. He confesses to looking at porn daily and ejaculating up to four times a day sometimes. Like all addictions the person must want to change their habits and how badly do they want to change. If it's not 100% any therapy will not work. Porn can be such a demorilising factor to a woman in a relationship with a man who has this problem. I think the longer the habit has been going on the harder it is to break.you have to ask yourself the question "will he change"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): My husband and I have been together 5yrs too. I am 36 and he is 17 yrs older and he looks at porn everyday. Some say porn is not an emotional thing for men it's about the physical "act" of sex. Then there's the men that can't get "it" up because of porn. Anyway you look at it something has to give. If he's been this way since the beginning and you've been together 5yrs why is it a problem now? There is more than one way to have a baby. If he has trouble with erections then shouldn't you find out if there is something physically wrong or if he has some real emotional issues that should probably be resolved before he becomes a father? Love is great but there is so much more to a lifetime with someone. There's trust, respect, tolerance, happiness, comfort, goals and so much more. Maybe it's time to try something like sex therapy, or therapy in general (for yourself if not both of you). Habits don't just go away and if he's been doing it for so long and you want a life with him maybe changing how you view and have sex should be a consideration.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): My gut feeling is it is not the porn, it is the fact that you want to get pregnant....and you are not yet married or legal and he is probably afraid of what sort of commitment children will bring and what sort of responsibility that brings and he is not able to relax enough to have sex....as he thinks you are pressuring him to have it get pregnant.
I think you should back off, lean back, act as if it doesn't matter what he does, but tell him how his not touching you and how his porn use makes you feel....don't attack him, accuse him of anything or get angry, just state you don't know why he can't have sex PERIOD and ask him to explain and tell him how you are FEELING and then leave it at that. Later suggest he make an appointment with a urologist to check for other medical issues that could be causing him ed, but my guess it is some relationship problems that are suddenly causing his lack of interest in sex. Give him some time and get married before having kids. Don't put the baby up as a way to keep your man, he will resent you and feel trapped.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2009): What do you mean you cannot initiate sex...as in it is something you are not comfortable with or he does not respond when you do? If the first then get over that as it is annoying as a male to always have to initiate. It is nice to feel wanted as well. If it is the later combined with your asking to share in it and he rebukes that, well there is a problem that I think you should go to therapy for, not you, I mean you as a couple.
He is not meeting your needs, not even trying. You tell him that, you are not happy and that you cannot continue in a relationship like that. You need to go talk to someone.
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