A
female
age
51-59,
*ennie919
writes:Hello!! Simply put I have been dating my boyfriend for almost a year and a half. He has 2 kids from his first marriage and another kid from a 9 year relationship. The issue I am having is with the boundaries he keeps with his ex-with with his youngest kids. In the beginning it was looking at other women on myspace and as we drove around. After that it was a pix on his oldest daughters myspace of his ex-hanging all over and their son in the pix. When I confronted him, it was that he did not want to take the pix, but he went ahead and did it for his son and then she jumped in, hung all over him and was like this is a black mail pix. Other times he will be at my place and he will call to check on his son and she has asked him "when i get divorced do you want to get back together and get married? His response was that "if they got married they would have to live in separate houses just like he told me in playing around and yet he told her what he said to me. That just put the relationship at the same level. and another time...can you come over so, we can talk...he told her no...and then today he called to let her know what time he was picking his son up. She asked him are you coming over by yourself because I wanted to talk to you. Granted he does not keep anything from me...but I did get a little bent out of shape today when he said they were friends and i confronted him about his boundaries with her. He hugged me and said i love you, you have all of me and you know I do not do things like normal people do, again another slap in the face. I am sick and tired of being in tears over this guy. As much as I love him and he says these things...I am not stupid and yet how do you explain out of 114 mailboxes in our apartment complex his key opened mine and his. Do not get me wrong in every other aspect of the relationship he has stepped up to the plate, but has he really stepped up to the plate. I have never dated anyone who has kids and these twisted relationships. Do I get insecure, jealous and want to be controlling...yes, but not to him...I just feel that way inside. He is 42 and I am 40. My life is taking a turn...I am in graduate school, getting back in shape and learning to trust me and put me first...so, any feedback will be welcomed!
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divorce, get back together, his ex, I love you, insecure, jealous, myspace Reply to this Question
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male
reader, roadman  +, writes (18 January 2009):
 Just take the man as he is,a man with kids and past family never going to move on so easy from his children and there mother,there always be a specail bond there in some shape or form unless he a total cold heart which he sounds he not..Just roll with it and don't try to control it,if he;s to change it will be in his own time...but like he said he not running his show boat in the normal way,which I can clearly understand...
From what I can see he just trying to keep all the people around him who have a conntection happy inc. himself as he clearly has feelings for everyone..Not just the one woman
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): I don't know what his ex is up to asking him if she gets divorced if they want to get married, it sounds sort of like a joke because he told her they would need to live in seperate houses. So he said the same thing to you, were you pressuring him to get married, because if you were that was his way of getting out of the discussion gracefully.
He isn't ready to get married to you? But you sound like you are at that stage in your relationship, a year and a half where you think he needs to take the relationship forward and ask you for your hand in marriage. Perhaps this is what your anger and insecurity and trust issues are really about.
His ex asking if he was coming over alone and that she wanted to talk to him probably had to do with the kids they share and this has got to happen throughout the kids lives. I think it sounds very healthy that he is still friends with his children's mothers because if it were the opposite you would really hate it more, trust me, I know what I am talking about as my boyfriend's kid's mom is a nightmare and he is a very nice person towards her, he does the best he can but is always punished and she has control over him seeing his child....so be thankful that he is on good terms with them, it makes the rest of your life that much easier. These women are not going to go away, they are part of the package and baggage your boyfriend carrys with him....so love him or leave him.
My guess is that you want some security and a promise of marriage from him. This is nothing to be ashamed of and you have every right to speak up about this to him. Ultimatums don't work, but get your feelings and your heart on the table, if you can't do that after this much time, you don't have much of a relationship.....tell him a timeline you would like to stick to for an engagement, tell him you understand if can't or won't marry you in that time, but that if he can't you will need to move on with your life and act as if you mean it even if your heart isn't feeling it. You can literally waste your own heart and love life on the wrong man for you....and if he is, it is better to figure that out sooner than later.
I hope the best for you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): Yes trust you and put you first but come on, give the guy a break. He had a life before you, he was married to a person that he loved and has children with. That is never going to go away, and I can tell you that the more you freak out and push on this the more you will push him away. He is telling you everything so trust him. You are being jealous of his past relationships and that he has had a life before you. You cannot control that and will be in a better place the moment you can accept that. What is he really doing that is so wrong, sneaking around and lying to you? Hiding things from you...no, he is telling you everything, well you said he is at least.My dad married a woman that was exactly like this, and I can tell you she was just awful. She was so insecure about him talking to my mom, a woman he was married to for 20 years and is a part of his life that he eventually just stopped. They would fight and argue. We could not all be together as a family because she was too insecure for this, even though they had met, worked in the same field and it was clear there was nothing going on. I also did a similiar thing to the person I am with now in the beginning until I realized all I was doing was acting on my own insecurities and trying to control her behavior and in the end not trusting her. I changed my behavior, started trusting her and now I have no questions or concerns. My dad is in the process of divorce and truthfully it is the best thing to happen because that woman is an evil controlling woman that wants it her way and is not willing to take into account how another person feels.My advice to you is that you have to learn to trust and embrace your partner or the relationship is going to dissolve because there is nothing he can do to make you happy, or start preparing for him to have had enough and leave. But I can tell you that a trusting relationship sure is great.
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