A
male
age
41-50,
*ummage
writes:I have been married to my wonderful wife for 10 years, been together 12. We have two kids, and are each other best friends. She is 6 years my senior (not that that matters, really- just sayin'...) Before we met, she worked with a guy 15 years older than her. He was married, and pursued her until she gave in. They ended up getting together and living together. He got divorced from his wife, and once he got his "freedom", he moved out- leaving her basically alone and heartbroken. She left that job and came to work for my company. We met, fell hopelessly in love, and here we are married w/ 2 kids 12 years later. She was given the opportunity to go back to her old job at more $$$,so she took it, but guess who they rehired to work with her again three years ago? That's right- her old boss. Ever since he came back into the picture- he has treated my wife like they are almost still together. E-mails just to say "hi", texts for no other reason except for "the sake of texting", phone calls to tell her "I was at so-and-so place and they asked about you/us", leaving little "gifts" on her desk, (you know- chocolate chip cookies, or her favorite snack- "just because"), showing up at places that she might be at (restaurants, concerts)- yet this guy claims he's "happy for her" and is "very happy for her family".Seriously - it is relentless. She does NOT initiate all the time, (they DO work together, so he can use the whole "it' s about work" guise), and she has infinately confirmed that she would NEVER go back to that, what, with all with his "shortcomings"? LOL... I, obviously, have to sit by and not say/do anything so everything remains copacetic at her office, nor do I want this clown to have the satisfaction of thinking that he is impeding on our lives. Last night he texted her "Don't forget to take your vitamins"...I texted back "Thanks, my husband just reminded me!"Guys - how do I deal with this schmuck?
View related questions:
best friend, divorce, heartbroken, moved out, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, ScottsCove +, writes (9 October 2010):
 Collect all the texts as evidence. And get her a new phone number that he doesn't have.
This guy is self destructive.
He's way over the hill and still hitting on a married woman 15 years younger, at work, and sending pervy texts while drunk in Jamaica. Which part about that is there that you don't get ?
I wouldn't allow it in my work place with my employees and most larger employers won't either. This guy would meet with corporate counsel the next day and be gone. It sends a message to the rest of the staff.
Sit down with your wife, square it away with her on cutting this off, get some things settled on job change, filing harassment suit, or is she just soaking up the attention and enjoying it after all. She may be ultimately low self esteem and likes the attention. It's obviously so public it is a joke at work and if I witnessed this as a co-worker would think you are a pathetic dick for putting up with it.
Grow a pair, sit her down and hash it out. If she can't stomach a harrassment complaint, lawsuit, charge. Then have her resign and give the details, provide the texts to the Management, all the way up the chain of command, and keep copies. It will then be on record and when it happens again if the Company doesn't deal with it, it is their responsibility/liability.
Me, I'd get a good corporate lawyer, get all the evidence lined up in depth and nail his balls to the office door with a lawsuit. Humiliations galore. But your wife has to be on board with it. Avoiding Office drama is not an option here. You need to get rid of this guy and you have the power to do it.
As I stated before, grow a pair.
A
male
reader, Rummage +, writes (9 October 2010):
Rummage is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGood evening friends! Thank You for the time you took to read my story and the offering of responses. My how things have changed...she got a text from him a few weeks back stating the usual "Do you have any idea how many people ask about you?" "I told them how happy I am for you and your family"..."I have always believed we were soulmates..." YES, YOU READ THAT RIGHT.
She has told me how the dynamic has changed ever since she recieved the "drunken text" (he was in Jamaica at the time- nice...)And she goes on to say how wierd it is that she has to work with the guy , now that she knows he is in love with her...ironically, when she was a as-she-put-it "immature 25 year old", he never told her- what with him going through a divorce and sleeping with everything that moved? But, of course, SHE was the one that broke up his marriage, as I'm sure he told her everything she needed to hear, as he was a big-shot at the time, and she was infatuated with his status. That I understand...damn, when we met I was involved with a few women at the time- but when I met her, we became a couple by be being really close friends first- not just a conquest. She totally won me over, and I know that she loves me without a doubt, but am I overreacting because this prick is having what seems to be an "emotional affair" with my wife- whether she wants to admit it or not. #For the past 3 years I have put up with these."occurances". I feel as though if she was really over him, it wouldn't be a problem to tell him to F-off, but I understand she wants to avoid the interoffice drama. From what I have heard, there was more than enough when they were together..now the are being nice to each other, so as not to show that "she thinks differently of him"...she just treats him like another emplyee. But, when people joke in the office about how "obsessed" he is with her, it makes me feel like I am the f*****g joke...Again- Thank YOU!
...............................
A
male
reader, ScottsCove +, writes (8 October 2010):
PS- If you are a real person and this is a real situation, let's see, from the little that you provided, you are about 40 with two kids, she is 45 or 46, your wife of 12 years, the asshole is about 60 +.
Corporate guys about age 60 + don't get much sympathy acting pervy.
Honestly talk to the wife, talk to a good attorney, have a meeting with the corporate honcho's, expect the wife to be harrassed by the corporate legal dept. which is why you need your own attorney if there are any texts she received.
If she likes the attention, you need to square that away, either she needs to move on from the company, or as painful and expensive as it could be ... you do.
...............................
A
male
reader, ScottsCove +, writes (8 October 2010):
Depew:There isn't enough information given to dertermine that.If there's one text of an overly romantic or sexual nature,as evidence he's fired.If there is more than one and it continues after being informed in writing it is not welcomed or acceptable. It's a sexual harrassment suit.Any woman that files a sexual harassment suit is considered poison at an employer. So it she be worth her while, far enough along, enough evidence, that it can settle for over $100k plus attorneys fees. AND she should keep working there until she finds another job or can get a big enough settlement to just quit.Whatever the level, the attention appears to be unwanted, unrelenting and the asshole needs some strong authority over him to control his behavior. It either has to come from the company, (the best), the Courts, or the extended family (cousins brothers uncles) of the husband.He just needs to man up and deal with his wife honestly, determine the score and how much time is on the clock, then proceed.Using lawyers rather than dealing with it directly, expensive but preferable to jail time.
...............................
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): I ageee with 'Odds' mostly. You should document every contact he has with your family (meaning your wife and/or your home). However, as her husband, you do have the right legally to record or copy any communications or transmissions to your wife. Both of you have to be onboard with this, because if it comes to a lawsuit, you have the right as a spouse to record her events, but she must also testify that she was aware of it and you weren't doing for fraudulent reasons. If you gather enough evidence, your wife should contact this company's HR department, and file a complaint. Mentioning, but not giving them the evidence. If they do nothing, then a lawsuit is in order. Maybe she'll lose her job over it, but then that would be an even bigger lawsuit. Good luck.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Just for the sake of adding a comment, in the hope of making things clear, there's no sexual harassment here. In my humble opinion. We like to think that the woman isn't enjoying it. And we don't want to say that, er, she might have something to do with it. But that's a possibility.
...............................
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Why hasnt your wife put a stop to it? Methinks she likes it. And she likes knowing that it makes you jealous. Its an ego trip. She needs to draw a line
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Hun, sit your wife down and ask her what the relationship is with this man, if he is harassing her at work, she needs to file a sexual harassment charge against him. I suspect that she is enjoying the attention even if she denies it.
The other Agony Aunts have given excellent advice with regards to the laws in your country.
If you just sit back, you will loose your wife, she will see you as disinterested and the other guy as being exciting - please remember that she is reliving all those exciting sexual times with the other guy - but has forgotten all the pain and hurt he caused her.
Time to act now before this gets anymore out of hand.
...............................
A
male
reader, Viajante  +, writes (8 October 2010):
Man, that's a bitch.
How forthcoming is your wife about this whole thing? If she doesn't tell you everything right away, it doesn't necessarily mean she likes it. Maybe she's just afraid of what you'll do, or maybe she thinks she can handle it.
In any circumstance, I think seeing if you have a good sexual harassment case is a good way to go.
I would advice against throwing suspicion in her face, because you might push her into this guy's arms.
Whatever course of action you take, she has to be 100% with you, or she might resent you for acting behind her back. If she doesn't eant to do anything, make it clear that this situation is unacceptable to you, but be careful she doesn't start hiding things from you, because that is a wedge he can use for his advantage.
...............................
A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (8 October 2010):
Ask the man to meet you somewhere and tell him you are aware that he means good and is only concerned about your wife's well-being, but that you (as in YOU, YOU, the poster) are an asshole and disagree with the idea of such a fine gentleman showing such a lovely and thoughtful concern for your wife. Tell him she is happy married to Caveman. May he please stop being so considerate?
Your wife won't like your talking that way, sure. You are going to create an awkward situation with a co-worker. But, if she's "innocent", then she will see this as a weight being lifted off her shoulders, too.
I'm sorry to say this, but I have a bad feeling here. Maybe it's me being paranoid (and an asshole). But, your wife does not seem to be doing her part.
You said she does not initiate all the time. In my books, she should never initiate anything. This is not the occasion to be polite, just firm. I don't know if she did this, but, when the man returned to work with her, and made his first "thoughtful" gesture, she should have made it clear that he was expected to keep his distance. As in "you were an asshole to break my heart, now I found Caveman who makes me so happy, et cetera, go to hell".
I'm curious. How come he has her phone number? Is that an absolute necessity, because they work together?
From your post, I surmise that she was re-hired first, and, after some time, he was re-hired. I would get the goosebumps if they had been hired at approximately the same time. Cynical me would think that there could be a connection there.
Maybe I'm just old, grumpy, paranoid and an asshole, but I would like you to really check what is going on. And I have to say that sometimes you just have to act like a Caveman. From your post, it is obvious that you hate this situation. Why don't YOU scare the man away?
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): lol keep going the way you are! He texts, text him back with a little reminder about being married, having kids etc. Your wife needs to do the same, gush about her family until he goes into a diabetic coma-which will get rid of your troubles :p
...............................
A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 Seriously?????
I have a question for you ....
Is the extra money so important that you can have this "schmuck" in your marriage?
...............................
A
male
reader, ScottsCove +, writes (8 October 2010):
Varies by state, you may be lucky enough to be in a state still with "jilted hearts laws"
-- Alienation of Affection - Interference with marriage can cost big bucks in North Carolina ---
http://marriagepartner.com/divorce/20419.php
If it's a name corporation with a "Brand" to protect, and your wife is on board with suing, sue his ass, big time, and file a sexual harrassment suit against the corp.
Get a big city White Collar Crime lawyer, with years and I mean years of trial experience, (most don't have much) preferably an attorney that has had part of his career in the Justice Dept. suing corporations or taking white collar criminals to court.
This one is pretty juicy, if a name corporation settlement should be for over $100k and likely upwards of a $ half million. They always settle, but you need a lawyer with a lot of trial experience who can throw the fear of the devil into them.
...............................
A
male
reader, ScottsCove +, writes (8 October 2010):
I don't really believe this is a real person with this question but here goes.
First get a really good big city lawyer, that specializes in white collar crime. Pay him the $2,000 retainer, based on home wife & kids, it's worth it. Tie up a good divorce lawyer as well just in case.
Second I'd sit down calmly with the wife and ask her whether she wants to continue the marriage or not, even if it means giving up the job at this company, in a company with the asshole, with the likelihood he'd dump her all over again if she tried for round two with him. A leopard really never changes it's spots. Once you have that settled with her, you get to decide which way to go.
If she's with you 100%, collect as much evidence as possible, texts, emails, voice mails, security camera video from the workplace of any unwanted advances, have her keep a contemporaneous diary of what happens with him daily, AND have your lawyer write a letter to the guy's boss and carbon copy it all the way up the line to all the chain of direct reports, from your lawyer, not you, threaten Sexual harassment lawsuit in a very ugly public way with all the bosses named maybe even on camera, and you want a meeting with their corporate counsel. Be ready to follow thru with the sexual harassment lawsuit. It has to be your wife, and she has to be up for it. If not, you are hamstrung and let her know it might end the marriage because you won't buck interference from an ex-lover cum use them and lose them womanizer.
Chances are, the asshole will be fired in a day, but if he's a big exec that brings in a lot of money for the Corp. could be harder ... That's why you have a good lawyer. If he's still at work the following week, have the lawyer file suit and demand a meeting. Then it get's interesting. I've seen the women in these cases walk away with up to a quarter to half million in stock. It'll pay for your lawyer and then some. Plus he'll be history. If they drag their feet at the company, and it's a big one, with a "brand" go to the media, and have a broker find the top analysts on wall street that follow the stock ... you can always keep them apprised. It provides leverage later on.
Third, if your state still has "jilted hearts laws", they are never enforced, but heh, can cause a lot of time, cost, trouble and amusement in court and make it embarrassingly public for the asshole, Put all the evidence into court record, the whole sordid history, plus whatever your private investigator digs up on him .... file a "dissaffection of spouse" lawsuit against him. Ask for outragous damages; millions more than he could ever pay. The court record makes it obvious to the world what an asshole he is, and you can use it to hound him for the rest of his life, whoever he's trying to bang later on.
If the above options isn't available to you, go alpha male. If you have brother's, uncles and cousins like I have, all linebackers and defensive ends, load up the ax handles and guns in the truck and pay him a visit, be sure to catch him alone out of sight of any surveillance cameras on any building, give him a good scare ... that he's trying to fuck the wrong guy's wife this time and however it comes out, he's had his last restful nights sleep ....forever.
Let him know that if he's still in town in 4 weeks, or even working at the same company, he'll regret it for the rest of his short life. If he get's in your face, pissy or tries to weedle and whine, don't have any of it. You don't have to threaten him physically on the spot, just be willing to follow thru later on with everything available to you inside the law, it's up to you if you decide to go outside the law later on.
Leave him with the definite impression that anything could happen to him. Don't be specific, just let him know he's had his last restful nights sleep and this will never be over, ever. His worst nightmares are now his life.
If he tries to file charges of threats, harassment, don't have any of it, you were all playing pool, golf, fishing trip whatever, weren't within miles of where ever he said he was, besides he's the one trying to bang your wife after he dumped his own.
File for a restraining order against him, from you and your wife. Go for permanent injunction, it will come in handy later.
Have a plan, stay calm, be hard and direct. This about respect not jealousy.
When confronted Most weasels move on, you or your wife won't hear from him again.
Once he's gone, Take your wife to Victoria's secret and hand her $1,000 cash and tell her to get somethings really sweet, nice and no longer than miniskirt length. Tell her when you hand her the cash you two are leaving for a week.
Take her to a great Beach Hotel in Cancun, Miami or Cabo, and have the best sex of your life, take her dinner and tell her that her pretty face is the best part of your day.
...............................
A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 October 2010):
 As much as he deserves a solid fist to the teeth, that'll get you jail time. Don't do it.First step, just ask him to stop. It probably won't work, but do it anyway.See if transferring to another department or location is an option, too. Failing that, you could try to get management involved. Failing that, it may be time for legal action.If your wife can document any communications that are not work-related, while also documenting requests that he desist, you could build a case for a harassment case, possibly even a restraining order. Those laws are basically misandric poison, so I hate to recommend it, but they have their uses.Be absolutely sure that it is your wife who is documenting the communication, and that if you record any conversations between the two of them, that your wife does all the recording. You cannot be involved in the physical process of doing either, or *you* become liable for suit in most states. She, as party to the conversation, can record and archive anything legally (in most states; consult your lawyer to be sure yours is one).If that all sounds like too much work to you, you'll just have to endure it. I doubt he'll give up, ever, but if you trust your wife not to give in, this is the easiest option.
...............................
|
