A
female
age
26-29,
*TheAlmightyDuckx
writes:Lately i've started to have real problems with my self esteem. I've always had a very low self esteem and have been working through the last few years trying to improve it, i've had couselling and all sorts, and self esteem has always been a very big issue for me. However during this last year I have managed to raise my self esteem and infact acutally got to a point where I was happy with the way I looked and could acutally admit to myself that I wasn't as bad looking as I thought.However I have stopped having counselling now, and over the last few weeks my self esteem has slowly been dropping again and I'm not to sure why but its starting to become an issue again. There are a few reasons as to why it could be going down hill again, the first reason being I have been under a great deal of stress over the last month due to my aunt passing away, things have been hard the pressure has just been immense. The second reason and well this is the most probable one as to why my self esteem has taking such a hit was well I broke up with my ex around about 3 months ago, during those 3 months he's called me almost every name under the sun, told me that I was fat, ugly, and I wasn't good at anything, this really hurt me at the time but I didn't think it did anything long term. And thirdly I have a new boyfriend who I have been with for about a month, he's wonderful, but sometimes he can make jokes like all boys do that well really get to me, and sometimes he doesn't realize how crap some of his jokes can make me feel. That could be another reason. Overall i'm starting to become paranoid again, and I kinda just don't really want to wear anything like low cut tops and I'm getting more and more insecure as the day goes on, I know I'm an average weight but I'm starting to want to lose weight and I just feel so ugly, I feel like no one likes the way I look and I normally spend time looking in the mirror feeling like abit of a spud. I'm starting to go back to how I used to be. Any suggestions how I can get my self esteem back to how it used to be? Thanks xx
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reader, xTheAlmightyDuckx +, writes (7 January 2013):
xTheAlmightyDuckx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thankyou both for your wise words.I would first like to say considering my new boyfriend...We normally have jokes together and to be perfectly honest I am not entirly innocenct, as the reason why I normally get the bad jokes coming at me is because I over step the mark first and as a bit of a "lesson-teacher" he comes right back at me with some sort of witty comment -.- nothing ever too harsh however but I just sometimes panic and feel maybe sometimes there might be abit of truth behind what he says but I panic about alot of things...As with my aunt, I do feel now I have said my goodbyes and I am totally at peace and have accepted what has happened and know she is some place better now which comforts me most of the time. However with the idea about writing a note to my ex, I think that is a brilliant idea, there is so much hate and anger I have inside me to do with the way he treated me and well I find it very hard to put all into one sentence and verbilize even when I have had my opportunitys back all thoughs months ago to tell him mutiple times. And your comment about him not being able to tell the difference between a pretty girl and a donkeys ass has had me laughing for around about 5 minutes now! And you have explained alot to me in that one sentence simply as he has moved on to the next girl now, and even though me and her have been speaking recently as she heard about his past with women and wanted to know more, she is ...well...I guess I can only say she isn't particually the bee's knee's, personality wise or looks wise, and well I've been thinking to myself for a while if thats what he goes for after me then how bad was I? But since you have said that sentence maybe the reality of it is he is simply trying to get anything he can because no intelligent person will take him, simply because as you said, hes on drugs. And in fact I agree with you intirely, to me I will say self esteem is partly centered around male attention however I have found back in the past I was my most confident and had my most self esteem when I was infact single. I don't want to go back into counselling, as my main aim after I finished my couselling (which lasted for a very long time may I say) was to be able to cope and deal with things on my own, and I guess you could say this is my first challange. I will have a look at the links and look around online about some things, I will also most defintly do the letter idea and you never know, I might even send it to him one day. Thankyou for your advice it has helped alot :)
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 1) Maybe get back to counseling ? If you have battled with self esteem all your life, the problem is deep seated, maybe a few sessions have been enough to make you feel temporarily better, but not to really, actually change a pattern of thought that makes you heavily ( no pun intended ) depending on exterior validation and people's comments, both negative and positive
2)remember that your ex is a drug addict who passes out in public parks, he must be out of his freaking mind most of the time, therefore basically uncapable of distinguishing between a pretty girl and a donkey's ass. I would not take HIM as a reliable arbiter of beauty and style.
3 ) I generally I don't agree on making people responsible for how we feel about ourselves . That's OUR problem. They can't make you feel anything that you do not already believe, at some level. Call me stupid and I'll just laugh in your face, call me a fatass and, well... I know am not really a fatass, but, hum, ehr,... let me go check that new Dukan Diet maybe ?:)
ANYWAY, I also realize that teen humour may be good natured in intentions, and rather mean and gross grained in facts. Tell your boyfriend ! Tell him what you don't like him to call you, and why. While ultimately repairing a flagging self esteem is YOUR job, a good bf will be understanding and supportive, and will try not to sabotage your efforts.
4) I have no real evidence of that, it's just a hunch, but I sort of feel that you make your self esteem very conditional to being in a relationship or not, - i.e. to how much you are WANTED by guys. Very usual for teenagers - in fact, for women in general - but, wrong. Self esteem has got nothing to do with being the belle of the ball and the fairest of them all. You can be an old lady living alone with her cats ,and be brimming with self esteem, and you can be Marilyn Monroe ( case in point ) , the erotic dream of millions, and feel that you are never good enough no matter how hard you try.
5) If you don't want to go back to the counselor, or you can afford it, there are quite a few good books about self esteem, with worksheets and exercises etc. While they are not revealed truth, or quick fix magic potions , they are better than nothing and they may help. If nothing else to remind you that self esteem is like a muscle, you've got to exercise it constantly and in the right way to make it bulkier.
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A
female
reader, fishdish  +, writes (7 January 2013):
 what have you done with this new boyfriend to alert him that these comments are 100% unacceptable in your book? If you've told them they hurt your feelings, or that you're insecure about X (your body or looks) and he's still not getting it, you need to draw the line farther in the sand by telling him that these comments are so damaging to your view of yourself that you will leave because you deserve better and you don't deserve being put down. It's important for partners to learn to bond and have fun with one another BY TAKING INTO ACCOUNT the boundaries that one another has, so if he makes the excuse that he was just having fun with you, you still need to stand your ground and say I appreciate what you're saying, but this is something I struggle with, and I need this to be an off-limits subject of jokes. Tell him how these kinds of comments have in the past and continue to make you question your body, your beauty, your weight, etc. and it's a vicious cycle that you don't want to be sucked back into. Hopefully he will get the message when he learns how seriously it impacts you and when you alert him to the consequences of his ignoring your warnings.
This time of year in general is difficult to maintain positive body image, I find, with it getting colder out, darker out, and us constantly eating around the holidays. Forgiveness is important for moving through this time, by that I mean, don't be hard on yourself for "reverting" back to your old views. Those views have been ingrained in you for a long time and in a time of struggle or series of changes are taking place, it's easy to want to go back to something familiar, even if that pattern of mental processes are not healthy for you. If you feel you haven't fully gotten out your grief about your aunt or your ex, write through them. Write a love letter to your aunt. Write a letter to your ex about how he screwed up, how you never should have been treated the way you were by him, what he did wrong. Keep it for yourself, and read it to yourself when you're doubting yourself.
You know the red flags for damaging behavior, both that a partner does, OR that you do. It is your job, your duty to yourself to nip those statements in the bud. When the statements are coming from within, then you need to challenge that view. Replace those fallback statements like "I need to show cleavage to show I'm beautiful" with, breasts are not what make me beautiful, my heart is. Try to nourish yourself with positive statements that nourish internal beauty. Here is a website that has plenty of positive affirmations that you can use to replace negative thinking. http://www.vitalaffirmations.com/affirmations.htm#example%20affirmations
If the statements are coming from outside, take a stand, say to that person that you are not allowed to talk to me that way, and explain your feelings on why. Be good to yourself, and take care.
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