A
female
age
30-35,
*oldiefoxxx
writes:My Boyfriend and his best friend are really close, too close for my own comfort zone, she texts him saying she loves him and he does the same, at all hours of the night at that. They are both really touchy with one another and it drives me crazy and makes me feel incredibly insecure. He told me he used to have feelings for her, I feel like he still does and I can tell from her behavior that she feels for him more than she lets on. I get all over his case and he tells me "we're best friends" nothing more and that if he wanted to be with her he would be. She shows up at our bonfires, doesnt say hi, the first thing she does when she shows up, is where is ***** and runs to him and throws herself in his embrace and is glued to his side all evening all over him, meanwhile watching my reaction as though she is taunting me. At this point i feel like she is doing it on purpose to make me angry. I've talked to her about it told her to back off with the touchy crap and the I love yous all the time, but he goes and sees her when I'm at work, it makes me nervous that he's the exact same way with her when I'm not around. I get on him so much about it, that he's getting angry with me and I think he may tell me goodbye.I don't know what to do, help please?
View related questions:
at work, best friend, I love you, insecure, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse  +, writes (9 January 2013):
 "I'm sure he's not sleeping with her so he thinks he's not doing anything wrong."
The guy sounds like he's in love with his girl friend. You can bet he wants to sleep with her. I'd put money on he thinks about it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): It's clear that she means more to him than you do so if you make him choose, he will choose her. But he may not be honest enough to say that, he may tell you to your face that he'll do whatever you want but in reality he'll still be choosing her by his actions. Don't subject yourself to further hurt, you already have seen what the situation between them is, you already have enough information to make your decision.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (8 January 2013):
 Good on you, Goldiefoxxx. You're doing the right thing.
...............................
A
female
reader, Goldiefoxxx +, writes (8 January 2013):
Goldiefoxxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone, i plan to talk to him this evening, and tell him that we need to take some time away from one another, untill he can sort his priorities out, i cannot deal with the stress and the heartache nor do i deserve it, im nearly 21 yrs old im young and beautiful and have a big heart that someone would be happy to fill, i am respectful, i am loyal and there is no reason i shouldnt get the same in return, i feel this girl had it out for us since day one, and the more she makes me angry and the more i harp on him, the further i push him away, and thats what she wants, and obviously by him allowing her to, he must want the same, i have too much to offer someone and i deserve to be loved and respected, its a shame it couldnt be him, maybe after a few lonely weeks when he realizes this girl is simply toying with his head he might come around, but ill be too far gone, and have my pride and dignity still intact. i refuse to put myself through it. it isnt right, and i am not wrong. thanks everyone, your insight has been very helpful and has given me the courage to really speak up and make the decisionn to pick up and walk.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (8 January 2013):
 OP with your update it's clear he will choose her over you.
I agree I don't think he's sleeping with her... probably because she won't allow it..
I'd leave him to her to be honest. It sucks.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): The fact that he has threatened to leave you , tells you that his friendship with this woman means more to him.
As much as it hurts if you dont end this relationship , he is going to dump you. Your insecurity is an excuse as it seems he values this woman a lot and has from history sacrificed his girlfriend for this friend.
NOt being nasty, you are no different and no special than the ex to him as he chooses the friend over you.
Run for shelter before he hurts you , also he is slowly destroying you by the way he treats you
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (8 January 2013):
I understand where he's coming from. I'm sure he's not sleeping with her so he thinks he's not doing anything wrong.
But, you already asked what you should do and we already said the same thing. You're LETTING him do this to you because you're AFRAID of losing him. You need to make HIM afraid of losing YOU!
Relationships are often one sided, because there is one person (A) who gets away with a lot because they think the other person isn't going anywhere. The other person (B) thinks that they have to put up with it or they might lose them. You are B.
As I stated before, it's clear that you only have two choices and it's time to choose.
Are you going learn to live with him disregarding your feelings and having a friend like this or are you going to tell him if he doesn't stop (not stop being friends but stop being inappropriate) then it's over. PERIOD. Those are your choices. By not choosing you are only making yourself go crazy.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2013): You should leave him. It's clear that the two of them have their own 'thing' going on and you're the third wheel!! I don't know why they are not officially together, it sounds like they should because it sounds like their bond is stronger than your bond with him. It sucks that he would mislead you and make you think that you and him are in a real relationship. The truth is that it's not because he's already taken.
...............................
A
male
reader, anon_e_mouse +, writes (8 January 2013):
Have to agree with others here; he has NO respect for you. No man, if he loved his girlfriend, would do this.
Tell him his behaviour is unacceptable.
If he continues, don't say anything. Don't argue. Just WALK AWAY and don't contact him. Don't even bring the subject up again. Just don't call, delete his number and move on.
If he call you after a couple of days/week/weeks just tell him you're too busy and hang up.
Find a man who wants to be with you and only you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Goldiefoxxx +, writes (8 January 2013):
Goldiefoxxx is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI talked to him today, he actually threatend me to break up with me if i continue to complain about it, he says he isn't doing anything wrong and that im allowing ghosts of boyfriends past to rule my judgement.Yes i have been scarred, but what he's doing is inappropriate. And he's sees the whole touchy thing as a problem he said hed stop, but now he is comparing me to his ex girlfriend, she had the exact same issue with the exact same girl.. obviously he's doing something wrong, not her or I.He thinks its a change I need to make and to basically get over it. I love him and don't want to lose him, but I cant allow him to make me feel insignificant. How should i approach it, I've already been polite about it, even broke down telling him how it hurts me, he had a pained look in his eyes as they filled with tears. I know he cares about me, but why would he continue to do things like that, knowing the impact it makes? I'm lost.
...............................
A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (7 January 2013):
If you've talked with him about it then it's time for an ultimatum. If he doesn't start treating her like a guy friend (no "I love you", no touching, no late night texting, etc) then you are leaving him.
If there is one thing I've learned in my time is that people treat you how you allow them to treat you. He's doing this because he knows you're not going to do anything about it.
So unless you decide you can live with it you have to decide you can live without him if he refuses to change. Period.
...............................
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (7 January 2013):
 I agree 100% with SVC, you shouldn't be talking to HER about this, but your BF - however, he doesn't really care how it makes you feel.
I have had MANY male friends over the years, but once they had a serious GF or I had a serious BF there were different "limits" to how cozy we were. I'd still give hugs but I would never act like any of them were my BF - this girl is and honestly your BF is lapping it up he is ENJOYING this.
I see nothing wrong in having friends of the opposite sex, but there are just lines you never cross. The fact that he "used" to have feeling for her makes it (IHMO) almost impossible for him to be a "real" friend to her.
I would consider breaking up with him, not because of her alone, but how little he seems to prioritize you over her and how little he seems to respect you.
...............................
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (7 January 2013):
I think YOU should tell HIM goodbye, not worry about it being the other way around.
You've told him your boundaries regarding him and this girl (which is exactly what you should be doing - don't feel bad about it), and he's stepping over them time and time again.
What I don't understand is why they aren't together since they seem so close. Only he can explain that one.
I don't know what else to say, except that if he's making you feel this bad, he's not worth being with. No matter how much you like him.
Take care.
...............................
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (7 January 2013):
you are talking to the wrong person.
you need to be talking to your supposed boyfriend.
truth is honey I think you are going to have to cut him off.
he's not respecting you if you have told him it bothers you.
I'm an easy going person but if my hubby had a female friend that he disrespected me for (seeing her when I was at work, not addressing my concerns about the inappropriateness of their friendship) he would be out on his ear....
ask him if she was a HE would he be saying "I love you" and hugging and clinging to him all the time? NO?
well then WHY do you do it with a female?
I'm truly of the belief that single friends of the opposite sex cannot be just friends in most cases.
...............................
|
