A
male
age
41-50,
*nhappilymarried
writes:I am a 29 yr old guy with problems (obviously). I have been married to my wife for just shy of 1 year, though we have been together for over 7 years (met in college, first 2 yrs were not really serious yet). She is about a year younger than me. Five years ago, I met another woman. She is 5 years younger than me, and our relationship began as purely sexual. This "other woman" is my best friend, and I can tell her anything. She has helped me through some very tough times, and she is the only person in the world I have ever been totally honest with. I am in love with her, and she is in love with me. My wife has met and become friends with her. She has also moved on with her own relationships, though the guys she dated turned out to be bad for her (I'm not just saying that, they really were). Two weeks ago, she met a new guy, and this guy is really a good person. I've met him, I like him, and she is the happiest I have ever seen her be with a guy (except when she's with me). She has said that this is the man she is going to marry. I feel that I am losing her, and I am conflicted with my own feelings for two women. My wife has also said previously that she does not believe in divorce, and that if we had any problems, we would work through them. I love my wife, and hate myself for saying this, but I don't think I'm "in love" with her anymore, and I know that I am in love with my best friend, and have been for at least a year (yeah I still got married, I think I made the wrong choice). She has also told me that she is in love with me. Over the years, we have kept our secret--though my wife and I got more serious as well--we moved in together about 5 years ago, have 2 cats together, and joint accounts and all of the sharing that goes with marriage. We do not have children, as I am infertile, though we have talked about adoption or artificial insemination, with the latter being the more economical option, and we have found a donor profile that matches me pretty closely. Unfortunately, when we first started dating, I didn't really want to have kids, since I didn't want to be like my father. Years later when we were more serious and starting to think of marriage, I kept my feelings hidden, and told myself that I would grow to be more interested in having kids, but I have not. My wife has been saying that her "biological clock" is ticking, and she wants to have kids before she was 30. We were going to try to get pregnant earlier this year, so my mom (who had cancer) would have grandkids. Sadly, she died in April of this year. We decided to postpone the kid thing. Within the last few weeks, she has been talking about it more, and I said that I wanted to wait longer until we were financially ready. Now, today, I was thinking more about not wanting children, and I revealed this to her. She asked how long I had felt like this, I said I didn't know, but I told her how I thought I would grow into wanting kids, but I just haven't. I know this was not what she wanted to hear, but I've been so conflicted lately that I had to say it. Add to this the feelings I have for my friend, and now my emotions are tearing me apart. My friend has said that "now you know how I felt"...and she's absolutely right. I know that I am the worst type of person, but right now I'm pretty messed up and need help. I have been talking to my friend, who wants me to be happy, but I want her to be happy too--but I don't think we can both be happy. If it has to be one or the other, I want her to be happy, and me to be miserable. I know I made the wrong decision in not changing my path years ago, but where do I go from here?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): I am in a similar situation. I think I am in worst situation because the one I feel love now is my wife's own closest relative. I can feel how hard it is for you, but I think you can still solve the problem by honestly telling your current wife about your real situation.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2009): If you will never be happy being married to your wife, then eventually you will only prevent her from being happy and enjoying being married to a person who truly and deeply loves her.
Divorce may rip a family apart terribly and painfully, but eventually people will heal. If a loving and committed relationship is not possible for both you and your wife together, then it is better to end it, not matter how painful it is, than to continue on unhappily forever depriving each other of finding the love that you both desire.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2009): You have to realize that once you crossed the line by keeping the "friend" after you married your wife, you set yourself up for big-time misery.
I know. I have done the same thing.
You manage to juggle both relationships for a time, with constant guilt. Eventually it will come out. There are only 3 endings - none of them good.
1 - You stay with your wife, but she no longer trusts you and makes your life hell. You spend years thinking you made the wrong choice....
2 - You stay with your friend and divorce your wife. That relationship goes exactly the same way as your marriage. Perhaps the strain of your wife's suicide puts a damper on things? You spend years thinking you made the wrong choice....
3 - Both women get pi**ed at you and dump you. You end up with nobody you really love. You spend years thinking you made the wrong choice....
There is NO happy ending. Sorry pal. For me, I'm 25 years down the track from my affair ending and its still a constant pain in my life. I guess it always will be. All I can tell you is what you have to look forward to, and its just not worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): Hi, this is the same Anon that you replied to. Thank you.I'm sorry to hear of your predicament but you are damned if you do, and damned if you don't so to speak and we are so fragile.You may benefit from some books on decision making such as:http://www.amazon.com/How-We-Decide-Jonah-Lehrer/dp/0618620117
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): I guess there are many guys in the same kind of situation as you. Actually, it's not an easy thing to go through life knowing that there is another woman whom you feel so strongly for, other than your own wife. The emotional feeling that comes with it really eats you up from inside. You so want to be with that person, yet you do not want to hurt your wife and destroy the marriage.I will not encourage you to divorce your wife to be with the other woman. But I will try to see if I can bring you back to your senses. Do hear me out on this.Do you still remember how it was when you first dated your wife? Both of you have been together for 7 years now and probably having gone through the best and worst of situations and still surviving together. Your wife must have meant something really special to you for you to want to marry her in the first place.Somehow during the many years spent together before and during the marriage, you find you begin to lose that "in love" feeling with your wife. You shifted that feeling towards another woman whom you find you can share your most intimate feelings and problems with.Actually, it is quite common for most married couples to lose that chemistry which both partners used to have to keep the excitement alive. Having said that, how are your wife’s feelings towards you? Is her sparkle towards you still there? Does she get excited for you and long to be with you whenever you go on some business trip or something?My question is, doesn’t your wife and your marriage with her count for something? Don’t you know that you are now contemplating to tear your marriage apart and leave your innocent wife out in the cold, so that you can ease your emotional pains with someone else? Is it really worth it? Would you really like to have something like this happen to you in return?One of the best married couple examples which I always look toward to is the one between the late Paul Newman and his wife, Joanne Woodward. His famous comment when asked on why he did not cheat on his wife since he was always surrounded by some of the best looking women in the Hollywood world was, "Why fool around with hamburger when you have steak at home?". He actually made every effort to stay in love with his wife (and I believed he has been tempted many times by all those beautiful Hollywood starlets). His efforts to stay faithful helped the marriage to last 50 years until his death. To me and to most, this is a beautiful love story.Believe me, I have been in your situation too and having to realize this early on, is not to make any decision that I may have to regret later on. I have made all the effort to stay faithful and in love with my wife and intend to do so for the rest of our lives together. I have been with my wife for 13 years now and still going on strong.Go ahead and make all the effort to fall back in love with your wife (who is your own family now) instead of continuing to be “in love” with your friend. Believe me, it is well worth it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): You've known your friend for years and still married your wife... if you and your friend were meant to be together you would be! You married someone else, and now she may be moving on too. Let her!
It seems to me you are jealous of this other guy. Which is understandable but hardly a good basis for a relationship.
As far as your wife is concerned I don't think fear of her taking her life should stop you from leaving her. But don't leave her until you are absolutely 100% sure that that is what you want to do.
Try figuring out what you are lacking in your marriage and what you think your friend has or does that is better than your wife. Then talk to your wife, give her a chance to make you happy. If she can't, walk away and be a man. If she wants to have children, she deserves to have them with somebody who will stand by her side. If that somebody is not you let her go.
In essence: give both women in your life a chance of being happy even if it is without you. Then fight for your own happiness once you truly know what you want.
Good luck!
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female
reader, jan123  +, writes (26 July 2009):
well well well...
why is it peolpe do things all the wrong way round.
be a man and tell your wife the truth.
you appear to want your cake and eat it,i know it doesnt seem that way but believe me it is.
i am not saying you dont deserve to be happy but your making someone in the mean while un happy or at least you will do when you spill the beans!!!
why you let it go on this long beats me, all i can say is your good at decceieving ,do yourself a favour and be honest, though i doubt you will be able to salvage anything from this with your wife, you lost it the moment you crossed the line
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 July 2009): Hi, I understand what you are going through as I am in a very similar situation. This is very hard... I wish I knew what to tell you. You will get more harsh comments, I can just say don't take them personally and ignore the ones that don't help you.I think that, as hard as it sounds, you should try to separate from your wife. Tell her that you are not in love with her anymore. I know this will be hard but you are in love with your friend and she is in love with you, you deserve to be happy together. Maybe after your tell your wife she realizes she may not be in love with you anymore either and understands where you are coming from.You gotta give it a try and see how it goes. I have done it and surprisingly things with my hubby have been really good since he decided he was still in love with me and would try to make me fall back in love with him. He is doing a pretty good job and I do now want to continue married with him. We have kids though, this makes a difference.Anyway, hope this helps.Be strong and best of luck to you!
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reader, unhappilymarried +, writes (26 July 2009):
unhappilymarried is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo answer some questions and to respond to comments:
Ever hear the saying your wife should be your best friend? I have never had the ability to be completely honest with my wife, but I have been absolutely honest with my best friend. And now I'm thinking that my best friend should be my wife.
@rocknroll: 1-I have a genetic disorder, 100% guaranteed to be shooting blanks. 2-"Is it possible the fear of loosing a friend is only clouding the true love you have for your wife?" I think that it's really the fear of losing my wife is clouding the true love I have for my friend. "Remember, guys can't multitask!" Maybe you can't, but I have for the last 5 years at least, remember? 3-Thanks for being a burden on our overtaxed hospitals and adding to the problem of higher health insurance premiums for the rest of us who choose to live within our means. 4-Your comment of "take of your clothes hun!" confuses me. What are you trying to say?
@chevara: 1-When you say you've lived the "life of a 50-60 year [old] man", does this mean that you are living two lives, and have your own secrets to hide? 2-"If you don't consider HER your best friend, than you are not such a great man then are." "your wife has done everything you are and have done." What. The. Hell? Learn2English. 3-"Love is ONLY a FEELING, fades away with time just like anything else. But MARRIAGE is not a feeling, its a commitment" Sounds like you yourself might be unhappy in your marriage, and you're trying to justify staying married to avoid facing your own love problems. Shouldn't love persist throughout life? 4-"GOD will NOT be MOCKED" But you will. I'm an Atheist. 5-"She is in that age when hormones start going out of controll." Dude, we're not teenagers in puberty anymore.
@anonymous: "I'd say be miserable and save your wife the heartache." I am leaning towards this now. My wife has had depression problems in the past, ironically before we were married or even thinking of marriage, she begged me to break up with her because she hated herself. I fear for her own safety if I were to bring this all out into the open. I don't want my love for my best friend to cost a life. My happiness is not worth that.
My friend and I talked for several hours yesterday (smoked a whole pack each in 4 hours at a restaurant, plus half of another once we left), and cried together for a few more hours (the most tears I've shed for anything, including my mother's death 3 months ago). We don't know what to do, we just know that it is a really really F'ed up situation. I am nearing the breaking point of my sanity.
My friend is also in love with me, and has been for years--I was stupidly blinded by the path I thought I should take--I felt like I owed it to my wife (while we were dating) to propose to her, that she had put up with me long enough to deserve it (about 6 years by then). Shortly after I proposed, I realized my true feelings for my friend, and told her that I loved her as more than a friend, and that I was in love with her, and that was when she told me she was in love with me too. I didn't know how to stop what I had started, and so I ended up getting married to my wife.
Now I am seeing things from my friend's perspective, and while I am happy to see her happy, it kills me inside to see her not with me. We are always the happiest together. We have a set day off that we spend together, just hanging out, and we both look forward to it every week, and are sad when we're apart from each other.
She has said that if I divorced my wife, she would marry me in an instant. But if I divorce my wife, I think she will take her own life, or try to. I probably couldn't live with myself after that. And my best friend in the world has said that she couldn't live with herself for being part of the cause of that ultimate sadness for my wife. I feel like I have F'ed up the lives of the two people I care for most in the world, and I don't know how to fix this.
I am losing my mind.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 July 2009): I'd say be miserable and save your wife the heartache.You have to control your emotions and fall for your wife. You made a long-term commitment to her. You need to have an emotional connection with her! You need to abandon your FWB and you need to keep your dick in your house only. There are men out there that know what self-control means and what a commitment is. Do you see yourself as someone that could be bought if it was expedient for you? Morally, what you've got going is the same thing.
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reader, chevara +, writes (25 July 2009):
Well, it is very sad to read this. I am the same age as you, and have lived a life of a 50-60 year man. Meaning experiences, money, and material things. But seems that you are taking your vows in vein. You may think you are in love with this other young lady, could be just LUST. The woman you CLAIM is your wife, has probably been there through all the good and bad. If you don't consider HER your best friend, than you are not such a great man then are. Put it this way, flip the coin around, your wife has done everything you are and have done. Won't feel as good then, much when the heartaches come. EVERY action you have done, comes with a consequence and a reaction. Many of us men let our head down in between our legs do the thinking for us, and women let their hormones do the thinking for them. The grass is not aways greener on the other side. You feel good about this woman now, wait till you live together. Then you and her will see each others true colors. Only till then you would realize you HAD a good thing. You really need to set your priorities straight. Love is ONLY a FEELING, fades away with time just like anything else. But MARRIAGE is not a feeling, its a commitment, a lot of it. Love is about feelings and emotions of all kinds. So only you can decide whats right, but if you got married through church, GOD will NOT be MOCKED. It will be easy just to let go and give up. It is very hard to fight and keep your marriage together.Just a reminder, your wife is young as well, she may experience some changes soon. She is in that age when hormones start going out of controll. So then you will be the one in for a ride of your life. Make things right, cause every tear drop your wife has and will shed for you, you in return will shed all those tears too. Then you will see the reality of life. You may be leaving a 80, for a 20, thinking she is an 80. Think about that?
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reader, trshly +, writes (24 July 2009):
 Do you really think you are not "bad for her" yourself, if you can do this to your wife?
Just wondering, it seemed like an ironic comment.
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reader, rocknroll +, writes (24 July 2009):
I must admit this is kind of strange. You met this other girl some 6 years ago (not sure of the actual math on this) but ended up with the one you married? How did this happen? You stated you had a sexual affair with this gal way back when, and by accident married the one you are now with. Very very strange. Clearly, if you leave your wife now, you will devistate her. basically, you led her on all this time. yes, you are a bit messed up.Is it possible the fear of loosing a friend is only clouding the true love you have for your wife? Remember, guys can't multitask!Is it possible you are putting way to much into this friend and her having a guy that she will marry unless you screw it up, ruining your friendship too?When you say infertile, do you mean they could stick a needle in your nuts and find nothing? Any ideas why you might be infertile? Accident? Bad diet? Coffee, cigarettes, tight underwear are common causes. Drinking plenty of water and orange juice also helps considerably. My sperm count was low, and thinking I would never marry, I was willing to donate. I was told at the donate place what I just suggested to you and it worked: I am a donor.I don't think very many of us men really consider having kids. As a man being through this time period myself, knew I couldn't afford it. When finances were right, I ended up with two. My wife wanted to continue, but because I was denied health insurance for the last pregnancy and cost me over 5 grand for the last child, I didn't want any more, it was a financial burden that was depressing and fear of bankrupting us, so we didn't. Now, I wish we would have had 10 more kids and just take the hits from the hospital, doctor and state. Heck, illegals do it every day.If you are stable, having kids and after they have left, we always bring fantastic memories. If I had to do it all over again, I'd say take of your clothes hun!Don't deny her this. Let your friend go and reconnect with your wife. Please! If you don't, you will regret it. YOur wife has stood by her side, don't let and old fling distract you. She is a friend, and I'm sure birthday and Christmas cards will be allowed by her new man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 July 2009): You know the one I really feel sorry for here is your wife. I made a post up here and this is the exact behavior I am terrified of from my boyfriend. She befriended your wife and has feelings and is sleeping with her husband, is that fair? Did she do something to deserve that? No one deserves to be cheated on. Being on the receiving end of an affair ( emotional or physical) is the most trust breaking experience in essence she never fully had her husband. You could have spared this woman the heartbreak that is coming to her years ago if you weren't thinking about yourself. Often people have affairs and leave their spouse only to find the fun is out of the relationship because its " legal" now. Don't be a rug. The worst thing you can do is bring a child into this one sided relationship. Your wife will have a long hard road ahead of her but it is best to get her out of this situation so you and your friend can live happily ever after. I hope your wife is a strong woman because she is going to need strength after finding out about your years of deceit. She may not believe in divorce but she should reconsider find a therapist and get far away from you two morally corrupt liars.
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reader, Starlights +, writes (24 July 2009):
 I think you should let your best friend move on and be with this guy, and you should try and work things through with your wife becoz although she might not be your bestest friend she is your love and the one you chose to marry. You might not feel ready to have kids now as there is alot going on in your mind, and you did the right thing by telling your wife, although you should consider her feelings in all this also. The best thing i could suggest, for both you and your wife, is to cut ties with your best friend (i think the more you are around her the more the feelings will grow worse and the confusion grows within you) However it is upto you. Ultimately this is what i would do Its the right thing. Good luck!
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