A
female
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*roudUSMCSpouse
writes:My spouse of nearly 7 years came to me on Labor Day and said that he was no longer happy with himself and that he wanted a Divorce. He has moved into his barracks so that he may have the time apart he asked for. He has said that he needs to find why he is unable to love and where his passion for the Marines and life have gone. He is not sure why he is feeling this way now. He says it is not anything that I have done but that he feels he may never have loved me as he doesn't know what love is! I found that he was talking to a female for 2 weeks now and it is a relationship that crossed boundaries in his profession that should not have been crossed. He took it from professional to personal by giving his number to her and speaking to her personally. I asked what I can do other than attend counseling with him which we started 1 week ago. I feel that I have no voice in this and I just need to hear others' wisdom on this situation. He says he will work on himself first, then rebuild the friendship we had and anything after that is a bonus.Will someone please give me their honest opinions?
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female
reader, Delirius +, writes (26 September 2005):
I have heard of many marriages involving an armed service member going this way. A close friend was in the Australian army for a lengthy career, and after resigning and adjusting to civilian life, he was devastated to find how harsh he had previously been on his family. My friend felt that the mind set he was required to maintain while in service, made it hard for him to acknowledge his own more emotional feelings. I don't imagine being a Marine is any less rigorous. Be there when your husband finds his ability to feel again and I hope you can both make a full recovery. Good Luck and best wish's to you both.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2005): Your husband is a very unhappy, confused man. He's likely wracked with guilt over doing this to you because he knows he has hurt you deeply. For this to happen so suddenly, it's likely that there was another love interest. It's really life shattering. You have started to grieve, the first being the denial stage. You feel that you owe it to your marriage to keep trying. Through couple counseling, you can get him to try. Sometimes he will pretend to try, or maybe really try the best he can. The bottom line is that if he hadn't wanted the divorce, he wouldn't have left in the first place.
It's hard to go back and make things good after they have gone sour. You and your husband were in love when you got married. But life happens. People change. Values and commitments change. It's tough to start life together, make a home, struggle with careers and do the many things necessary to keep a marriage strong. Sadly, some marriages just don't make it.
It's normal to go through this period of denial. That is a part of your grief process. But it is equally important that you pass through all of the other stages of grief and progress to the "letting go" stage. It is important for you to realize that you can't go back and fix all of the broken pieces, and it's crucial, you go forward.
Try to regain your dignity and get on with life. Don't beg for your husband to come back when he doesn't want to be there. You deserve better. You don't deserve 2nd best. You don't deserve the unhappiness that a less-than-great marriage will give you. You deserve someone who loves you, is faithful, who treats you well, who is kind, considerate and makes you feel good about yourself. To stay with a person who constantly feels that something is wrong with himself and the marriage, is no way to live.
When you are ready, you will realize that to keep trying to hold a marriage together that is over, is futile. You won't start healing until you let go. Start planning for a new future. You need to start taking care of yourself. Be good to yourself. Love yourself. Don't go out and look for another man to fill the void and give you attention to dull your pain. Let yourself go through the loneliness and the pain and all of the other stages. Let yourself be angry. Let yourself be depressed. Get help if you can't handle everything alone. You aren't meant to go through this alone. You need to have or find a support system. It could be a good friend, family, a clergyman, or a divorce recovery group or counseling. You need to voice yourself, dear. Please go get some counseling for just for yourself. You will need some help and support to sort out your emotions, to understand the painful events happening in your life. When it is time, if it is meant to be, you will find someone else to love and to love you. Don't rush it. You have to be ready. You have to have become a "whole" person who doesn't need another person to take care of you or make you whole. You have to work on yourself and become the person you were meant to be. When you are emotionally healthy, when you have worked on forgiveness and have let the him go, you will be ready. You will get there. Just remember, you are a worthwhile person. Have a good and happy life. There is a life after divorce, so don't give up hope. Be strong and look after yourself. Take csre, dear
Hugs,
Irish
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A
female
reader, missdee +, writes (22 September 2005):
I feel you need to move on and start making a life of your own. Your husband is not being entirely honest with you. I don't feel he is wanting the marriage to work and the best he will give you is friendship.
There is a good possibility that your husband has found a woman he is interested in and is just not man enough to stand up and tell you. It sounds like he is playing games with you instead. Trying to make you think that there is a possibility that you two can work it out, but he knows that he does not want to. I am really sorry. I call it like I see it.
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A
female
reader, wishes +, writes (22 September 2005):
 Dont chase him, be there for him if he decides to come back, but you pressuring him into being with you or being too "avaiable" will only push him away. My thoughts are with you.
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A
female
reader, Becca42478 +, writes (21 September 2005):
How do you know he has only been talking to her for two weeks? After seven years of marriage, he says he feels he never loved you or knew what love was. I think he's either full of it or he's a terribly cold man. And if you married him, he can't be that cold, so he must be full of it. I think you should hire a privite detective and have him followed or get to the bottom of your suspicions in some less expensive and equally discret way. I think you should not let him know you suspect him of infidelity or flirting with infidelity. You should protect yourself, and treat yourself with special care during this hard time. You do have a voice, even if he's not listening to you. You are his wife, he invested 7 years in you, but now he's treating you badly. Look at his attitude now, he's being selfish: "He will work on himself first then rebuild the FRIENDSHIP you had and anything after that is a BONUS. That's like saying I am such a prize and I am all I care about now (not you)and maybe after I give me what I want you(whatever working on himself means, sounds like a vague deception) we can be friends again (not lovers)and oh....if your good and lucky maybe a bonus(some sex). That just makes me down right angry.
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