A
female
age
41-50,
*ock chic
writes:hi. i was with my ex for just over four years, we have a daughter together. we have been split up for nearly 7 months. he is a recovering alcoholic, and he is desperate to get back with me, thing is im scared wot if we get back together and he starts drinking again?! i can't do that to our daughter its not fair. he lied throughout our relationship, i can't trust him even if it is an illness! can anyone give me advice please, anyone been in this situation?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2012): This is a difficult one. So many pros and equally so many cons. But each case on its own merits.
A recovering alcoholic is the same as a recovering drug addict, gambler, sex addict etc: its a fight to stay clean every day. People do recover. They need a solid family life to help them through these types of diseases. Some don't recovery no matter how much of support from friends and family. But others actively seek help for their addiction and they overcome it, one day at a time.
I don't know the true situation of your relationship with this man. Does his "good" override his "bad"? Is he willing to have boundaries in the relationship: meaning not associating with his previous drinking buddies? Discussing finances properly? Being open and honest about where he goes, whom he sees? Etc. You checking up on him? Perhaps you can go with him to AA meetings. Join a support group.
R C, we all deserve a second chance in life: whether you decide to give him another chance is up to you. But whatever decision you make, don't feel guilty. Make the decision and stick to it.
Our family took in my hubbys recovering drug addict nephew. We gave him a chance to find himself and to function as a proper human being. It was extremely challenging but we all managed. He's now back home with his parents but the 1 year spent with us allowed him to have some semblence of normality: helped him to deal with his emotions, his family issues, his inner turmoil. This chap was in rehab 3 times. Only when he made the conscious decision to change and stay clean did he move forward. He then got yet another chance and he made it work for him. (This is just one success story but not everyone can overcome the addictiveness).
Mystieks story is very real. Only when you live with an alcoholic will you know what really transpires in a relationship. Therefore R C, make a decision and stick with it. And don't feel guilty with your decision.
Good luck R C: you do what is right for you and your kid.
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Rock chic +, writes (23 May 2012):
Rock chic is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthank you for replies! tbh four years with him was hard enough, no thankfully he was never abusive but i still had to put up with lies and not just about drink. its only when i left him i found out about the.amount of debt we was in as he always hid it from me. i no he would try not to drink again but i don't think i can live wondering if he is goin behind my back again and lying to me. its just so hard when our daughter says she wants daddy! but i also no it would mess her up if i had to leave him again!
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A
female
reader, mystiquek  +, writes (23 May 2012):
 I was married to an alcohlic. Its not a pretty life. They have to fight the urge to drink EVERY SINGLE DAY. From what I understand, the craving never truly goes away. Even is he is recovering, he could have relapse, fall off the wagon and have to start over again. Do you love him enough to stand by him through the good and bad? Do you want to subject your child to this? Are you strong enough to put up with it? Alcoholics when drinking can't be trusted..they will say ANYTHING do almost anything to get a drink. Most of the time they don't remember what they've said or done. You don't mention in your post, was your ex abusive? If so, you definitely want to think things through very carefully! Read up everything you can on alcoholism, know what to expect (as much as possible). Go to al-anon meetings. And most importantly understand that you can't make him not want to drink. He has to do it himself. It doesn't matter how much you might beg or plead, trust me, if an alcoholic wants to drink..they will. I put up with my husband for 10 years and the last straw was when he said "I don't have a drinking problem, YOU have a problem with me drinking." That was it for me, I was out the door. Please think things over very carefully, and do not just go running back to him. Weigh things out, watch him. You can stay in touch, but don't rush into anything. I wish you all the best. People CAN and DO stop drinking. My ex just wasn't one of them.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 May 2012):
In a nutshell, I don't think he's had nearly enough time to sort out his own problems. You are worried about him reverting to the drink, and rightfully so, because there's a good chance that at this stage he will.
At this stage, I would suggest that you don't get back, but that you maintain contact and perhaps see each other here and there (that's if you do actually think one day you might want him back.)
But, until he has had time to really sort his problems out, don't take him back. He must sort out his problems first.
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