A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need help, lately I have found myself falling out of love with my boyfriend, although he is the greatest guy in the world and I dont understand why. But the worrying thing is that I have recently wanted him to physically and emotionally abuse me, and try to provoke him in any way. I really dont understand why I do this and most of the time I can't stop myself until it has gone too far. He hasn't hurt me yet but I'm afraid he will and I need help before that. PLEASE HELP ! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2007): Yeh,...it's a pretty old story. One wants out, but doesn't want to be the "bad guy"/"bad girl". They have to invent a reason or scenario where the other one is at fault. Psych 101. It's called "projection". Projection of one's own guilt on to the other. Yes, it's over,...but "I" (Ego) am not at fault! It was...him/her! I am guiltless. I am ..."innocent". Get real, kid! You're playing mind games with yourself. Just tell him, "I don't know where we went wrong, but the feeling's gone, ...and I just can't get it back." (old song). That is much more honest. And it is kinder than the silly game you are playing now. And admit to yourself that anyone, including Daddy's favorite girl, can be a bitch or an a--h--e sometimes. That we are not capable of perfection in our own right is something most adolescents know by age twelve or thirteen. Not coincidentally, that is also the usual age of Confirmation and Bar Mitzva/Bint___something. That's when we take personal responsibility for being the little s**ts we are. We promise to do our best, but admit we need Divine help....or any kind of help! (lol). Give him a kiss and tell him goobye, hon. Stop beating on him. The sooner you do, the sooner he can find someone who can really care about him.
A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (17 March 2007):
 It may be that you haven't been getting much attention from him lately and provoking an argument is ONE way of getting his full attention. Please don't be offended when I ask this but think about it.... are you an attention seeker and arguing or provoking him is getting you the attention you crave?
Eve
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A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (17 March 2007):
 Take "time out" from each other. Explain to him that right now your emotions arn`t making sense, and you`d like some time apart to figure things out. As you said that he`s a great guy, he will do his best to be understanding; but please tell him it`s nothing he`s done, or not done, but that you don`t feel the closeness you had with him anymore. He, of course, is aware of you trying to goad him when he`s done nothing wrong, and right now is as confused as you are. In the time you spend apart, both of you will be able to have "clear thinking". You may, or may not decide that you want to be with him; and he will make a choice too. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder, sometimes it dosn`t. I would like to say though; if you don`t get back with this guy, and meet another, if you still have these same feelings; Please promise that you will talk to someone about it. Your doctor will refer you to a specialist. Please let us know how you get on, Kind Regards, Heather.
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A
female
reader, agony aunt j +, writes (17 March 2007):
 Perhaps you want him to do these things as an excuse to leave him. it can be hard leaving the one you used to love and maybe you feel guilty because he's a great guy like you said so there's not really any reason or you to be leaving him. but if you're not happy, then thats a good enough reason. but you shouldnt want him to do those things, if you want to leave him you just have to be straight about it. tell him firmly but kindly at the same time how you feel and if you want to end it then you have to do it. then again, it could just be a rough patch that you're going through.
dont worry - you'll get through it. just be strong:):)
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