A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've been dating this girl for about three weeks now. We initially met online and have been chatting and SMS-ing since about June. However due to illness and busy work schedules, we weren't able to meet up until earlier this month.She was the one who suggested our first date, she basically asked me out on it. We had a good time together. A nice dinner and a few drinks at a nice restaurant. We had a few awkward pauses and silences here and there, but for the most part, it was a nice night. When I dropped her off at her apartment, she gave me a rather deep and passionate kiss goodnight.Good sign, am I right?The next day, I messaged her and asked her out on date #2, to which she obliged.The second date was not as smooth though.She had asked that we just have drinks and forgo dinner this time. So we basically sat in an uncomfortable and noisy pub that we weren't all that familiar with and had drinks together. Our conversation stopped and started over and over again, I found myself struggling for topics of conversation. And when we did start talking, we realised that we were basically repeating conversations and stories that we had spoken about on the first date.This time, when I walked her to her apartment door, I got a quick hug goodnight. No passionate kiss goodnight for me this time.I messaged her a few days later and asked if she would possibly be interested in date #3. She said she would get back to me when she knew a bit more about her schedule. I took that as "probably not."However, we kept texting over the weekend, and so I decided to broach the subject again. I asked her how her week looked for a night of dinner and drinks.She agreed to meet me for drinks only on Friday (the Friday just passed).This time, the date was great. We had a lot of fun, things were going smoothly. We were laughing and having a great time learning more about each other. We carried the date for a good 3 or 4 hours before we decided to go for a walk to the park where we started making out on the grass together.Half way through our teenage-like makeout "sesh," she stopped me."I'm not sure if you need to know this but I feel like I should tell you, I'm kind of dating very openly at the moment. As in I'm keeping an open-mind about dating, I just thought maybe you needed to know that."We then resumed making out.I took this to mean one of two things:Either I am one of a number of other men she is dating and is not exclusively seeing just one person. Or she's more or less just looking for a casual/open sort of relationship. But I'm leaning more towards the former.I've found myself texting her quite often, but I feel like maybe I'm texting her too much. Our last date was Friday night, I was thinking about messaging her again today to ask if I can see her again this week, but I don't want to come across as needy. And the idea that she's probably got more than one or two dates with other guys throughout the week makes me feel self conscious as if I'm competing all of a sudden. I'm too nervous that I'm coming across as overly needy or pushy.On top of this, I'm not sure if she overly likes me. I've pushed for the last two dates, I was thinking of waiting and seeing if she would perhaps suggest the next one without me bringing it up first. But then I'm not sure if she's a bit more old-fashioned and expects the man to do the asking out.I don't know, I'm just confused and could use some advice.Thank you!
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): Please watch this, OP, even if your question is resolved at this point. I think you could really appreciate what this guy has to say. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rd3TbErgV4wHe's funny, but gives really great advice on dating. Personally, I think it's great she was honest with you from the beginning, but if that's not something you can deal with you need to break it off. Personally, I would just ask her what exactly the whole "open relationship" thing entails. You could try asking her if at some point it's going to be an exclusive deal, and that will give you some insight to the future. At least if you find out this is how it's going to be long-term and you need something more exclusive you won't waste anymore time on her. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi all
Thank you so much for your replies and input, it's greatly appreciated.
I really, really like this girl. However, I know myself and I know that if I continue to pursue her, I will probably let petty jealousy ruin my chances and make things worse anyway.
I'm not the juggling type, although I respect her for being honest about it.
If she contacts me for a date then I'll happily go with her - I figure that I'll take that as a sign that she likes me somewhat more than whoever else she's dating.
But I don't think I'll initiate conversation again soon.
Thank you all once again!
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A
female
reader, Staceily  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 I'd let this one go too. If any of you were worth getting serious about she would've picked one by now. Instead she is having fun with numerous guys at the same time. Honesty is great so that's one thing going for her. But I don't think she is very serious about a boyfriend. Also since you are already feeling a little self conscious it will only get worse. Being in competition is a little ridiculous in my opinion. When I was dating I think if he's into me then we date and see where it goes, but I'll be damned if I'm going to be juggled in with other random women until he decides who is best for him. Uh no thanks. If after 3 dates you don't do it enough for her to get more serious about getting to know only you then you don't have much going with her I'm afraid.
So unless you are one to want to date around as well (you don't seem to be) I would let her go. You have awkwardness on dates coupled with awkwardness in not knowing when you should ask her out. If dating isn't fun then why do it??
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A
female
reader, MissTellAll +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Judging by the initial awkwardness and the fact that you don't seem okay with dating multiple people at once, I'd say let this one go. Sheobviously isn't looking for the same thing as you and you shouldn't have to chase after her anyway. Her physica expressions of affection kind of put off mixed signals but girls string guys along all the time.
The biggest reason to let this go is because this situation is making you self-conscious, and those negative feelings are unhealthy and will only persist if the dating continues.
Slowly dwindle the amount of contact you have and let it fade away naturally. If she comes after you over the other guys, maybe give it another try, but keep your doubts andmemories of the initial awwardness in your backpocket for safekeeping.
Good luck!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (22 October 2012):
 She was open and honest with you and that's good!
she's done three dates with you and that's GOOD
on date three she made out with you a lot and that's GOOD
I also am old fashioned and would prefer a man chase me.
Asking her out for a date in advance is not pushy.
it also means if you want her on a saturday night you have to ask farther in advance... and to me that says you are interested enough... so if you want her for Saturday I would say no later than Tuesday CALL and ask...
stand out from the crowd if you are truly interested... do NOT have a relationship with texting...
she's said yes three times...that's good...
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 Yes she is dating more than one guy, at least she was honest about it though! She is obviously keeping her options open at the moment, seeing how it goes with the guys she is dating before she decides who she likes the most.
And yes, she probably is a bit old-fashioned and prefers the man to do the chasing, that is how I would feel anyway! She has multiple men who all want to date her at the moment, why would she bother chasing any of you? If one of the guys she is dating doesnt make much effort with her then that will be an easy one to let go of, she would much rather keep seeing the ones that are showing their interest rather than playing hard to get.
It sounds like she does like you, otherwise she would have blown you off already, and the fact she came clean about dating multiple people shows she likes you because she is worried about hurting you, hence why she is being honest. So I do think you have a chance here, but if she is dating other people there is always the chance that she is feeling similar feelings for someone else.
It all boils down to this question - are you comfortable dating a girl who is dating more than one guy? You are right, you are sort of 'competing', basically trying to compete to make her like you more than the other guys. I think if you dont want to be in this competition anymore and would like to get to know her properly, and have her get to know you properly (rather than just comparing you to the others) then perhaps this situation isnt right for you. Would you date more than one girl at a time? If you would be ok with it perhaps your morals match each other so it is no big deal for now. However if you are not the sort of person that would date more than 1 girl at a time and you want to meet someone with similar morals, then I would move on from this girl.
You are lining yourself up to get hurt here, yes she might choose you but the odds are not great when there is more than 1 person involved here! It doesnt sound like you get on all that well anyway, with your awkward 2nd date so if I were you I would end it now before you get any more attached, and find someone who isnt playing games and keeping her options open.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (22 October 2012):
 I think that she's dating a number of men as you said, and is not looking at being exclusive as of now. Maybe you should hold back just a little now and not get too involved because she has made herself pretty clear on where she stands and you don't want to lead yourself up for heart break. Don't ask her out anymore, let her do it herself.
If she was old fashioned she wouldn't be making out with you in the park as well as going on dates with other guys OP. I'm certainly not saying there's anything wrong with that, that's how she's approaching the dating scene, but she's not old fashioned by the looks of it. You asked her out twice. Let her ask you out now if she's interested. Keep the channels for communication open but don't get too serious about her yet. See where it goes from there.
All the best!
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