A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend is a Christian. We've been together 1 and 1/2 years. I consider myself a lapsed-catholic. He feels very strongly about his beliefs, namely he's totally against abortion and homosexuality. My sister is transgendered and in the process of becoming a male, and he's actually been tremendously supportive of me during this difficult time. A part of me doesn't support my sister's decision, if only because she's so young (16!) to be making these kinds of decisions. My boyfriend thinks that homosexuality is a sin and should be treated like a mental disease, or any other kind of sickness. My problem is this: my boyfriend and I differ so much on so many things, he is extremely opinionated to the point of aggressiveness, and he has a temper. I admit that I have my failings, but a lot of times it feels like he does not respect me or value my opinion, should my opinion be different than his, which it usually is. Honestly, half of me feels like he's crazy for not believing the things I do, like evolution and tolerence for gay people. We also differ on education; I'm a student trying to decide between being a lawyer or a physician's assistant, while he dropped out of college 2 years ago and absolutely refuses to go back. He refers to democrats as "lefties". He continually tells me that school is a waste of time, and he refuses to see that his comments are inflamatory, and if he does, he shrugs it off as if "oh, that's my opinion" while having no respect for my opinion. I love school, I love my gay sister, and I just want to be happy. I feel alienated and depressed by him a lot, but I don't want to break up necessarily. He has a lot of good qualities, such as loyalty and responsibility...I know I am not good at choosing men, but I don't want to let a good one get away, if in fact my boyfriend is a good one. I just can't seem to decide if the bad outweighs the good. I usually love spending time with him, but sometimes I get so enraged by his behavior that I just want to be single and lonely again. I know I would miss him terribly and probably regret breaking up with him, but I can't be sure. He feels very happy with me and has spoken about a future with marriage and kids. Part of me is elated at the thought of being his wife, but another part of me is sure that I would be taken for granted, and that I would see the same values that disgust me about him installed into my children. Please, any advice is welcome. Please don't say to just talk to him about how I feel, because I have, and it does no good.
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male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (24 June 2010):
 They say that opposites attract... and this may have been what attracted you to him in the first place. However, such diametrically opposing opinions as you describe will eventually lead to an all out war. On top of his being overbearing and dismissive, I would venture to guess that you are bottling up a lot of opinions, just so as not to offend him. This in turn will eventually make you feel resentful. You're already feeling alienated and depressed.My advise - break it off. Healthy relationships REQUIRE -MUTUAL- support and understanding.
A
male
reader, oeo  +, writes (24 June 2010):
Dear Juleit,
Run and run fast without looking back. There are fundamental differences of opinion between you both that won't dissapear but would only get deeper especially when he can not compromise.You normally see the best sides of a partner when your still courting so it would only get worse.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2010): if you and him dont agree on these important things then you should NOT be together!!
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A
male
reader, Kama  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 These very significant differences between the two of you will cause you a LOT of pain in the future unless you can envision yourself becoming as religious and self-righteous as he is. Honestly, it could be the way you paint him, but he sounds like a complete asshole who has listened to too much punditry on SKY news who will probably never wake up. For him, and for many people like him, he has all the answers about morality; and these folks don't bend easily. I would run, run, run - Best of luck to you
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Sorry that seems like a match made in Hades. Except your husband wouldn't believe in Hades....
I don't think your relationship can get better, only worse.
I would run for the hills.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 This isn't going to work, there is never gonna be a magic time when you both agree on something. Yes he will expect his children to have his values and as you go on with your career in education you may find him becoming more abusive in his language.
You two do not suit, I doubt he will change, indeed I think he will become more opinated and arrogant as he gets older. Marry him and you risk a life of depression, lonliness and reduced self esteme.
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A
female
reader, Sincerely Yours +, writes (23 June 2010):
 If there was a way to make him understand that he needs to respect your opinions and decisions, then you would have found it by now.
There are many things about people in relationships, that mustbe agreed upon between them. Some opinions can differ and nothing will change, however, others, must be compromised upon.
If you liked to play basketball on your freetime and he said that was a waste of time, not much would change.
But you are trying to make a life out of what you believe in; starting with a solid education, and he isn't supportive. If you are with a partner who refuses to be supportive of your long-term goals, then not only will those goals be harder to accomplish, but your self esteem will sky dive and form you into a person who is lost and feels worthless.
A person who is incapable of standing in another's shoes, has only the option of being with a person who is in exact rytham him.
His good qualities are responsibilty and loyalty...
That's not too hard to find. You are likely to find many responsible men in your school career, and you can usually tell him a person is faithful within the first few meetings.
Someone whose eyes constantly waunder, someone who has had 6,000 girlfriends because he can't seem to settle on any one of them, etc....
If you can't decide if the bad outweighs the good, then make a pro-con list of his characteristics and aspects he brings to the relationship.
Seperate pennies into two piles: one for the good and one for the bad. You can feel in your hand which pile will be heavier. That's the literal way to do it.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (23 June 2010):
 Well, the sad answer is, you have to choose.
I believe you are right in what you think about his character. You know, when a person feels he or she owns absolute truth, then whatever doesn't suit that absolute truth has to be discarded or changed to suit. This is not exclusive of the religious mind.
So you have to know that in his mind there's little room for compromising.
That doesn't mean he doesn't have good qualities. But you have to ask yourself whether you can live going his way or no way at all. Say; does he ever give in to what you want?
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (23 June 2010):
Your final sentence says it all. You've even tried to talk to him and it hasn't worked. That just says it all. You would be the mad one if you didn't leave him now. He makes you depressed, claims that the work you're trying to do with school is useless, he has aggressive opinions and won't listen to you at all. I'm sorry, but in no way is quitting school and then saying it's useless and insulting you about it responsible or loyal. I think you're seeing far too much in this guy that's not there because you're afraid of being alone.
Bottom line? He won't change. This will be your life. Your children will turn out like him with the same beliefs, you'll be smothered and never really fully supported or respected, and he will do what he wants when he wants. If you don't break up with him, you're setting yourself up for a lot of pain and trouble.
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