A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HeyQuestion for the BOYS and MEN on this site... ladies are welcome to write their comments as well....After a boys night out in a Strip club .. coming home to your wife,fiance or girlfriend ... wanting to have sex with her at that moment is because 1. you are excited from seeing all those naked bodies around you when you were w your guys2. its because you do wana have sex with her, because of HER I just wonder ... what are you guys thinking about when you are all this excited from previous scene! Is it really US that u are making love to at the moment, or is it really the strippers you saw an hour ago!!!Be free to write whatever comes to your mind :)Muah Therese!
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female
reader, chvyrdnck +, writes (11 June 2008):
Have you ever been to a strip club with your man? There no as bad as most women think!!! My man use to go all the time with his friend when i was under age and couldnt go! I felt the same way you do, and hated it when he would go.Then e took me there for my 21st birthday and it wasnt as bad as i though! I kinda liked it, it really help cuz one of my old friends worked there! It has been over a year and me and my man have been going to strip clubs at least once if not twice a week! It also helped that my man pays more attenstion to me then to the dancers!!! The only dancers that he talks to is the ones that we know. He never tips then or anything! To me its normal for guys to want to look at other women and its no big deal to me. All im saying is the next time your man wants to go to a strip club tell him you would like to go with him! You never know you might like it!!! And you will find out that its not as bad as most women think it is!!! Just give it a shot!!!
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 May 2008):
 Hi Therese, you're very welcome. I know this is a touchy area for lots of women and I'm not trying to diminish anyone's feelings on this. It's just that the magnifying lens of worry can make this into a bigger issue than it really is in most cases.
Your guy sounds like a good one, frankly, so I think a little latitude on this won't hurt at all. I've tried to make sure that my sense of humor remains intact; in fact, this is the best way I've found to deal with it. You're already onto the best coping strategy I've found for it, now it's time to let it go as best you can. Remember that he's with you, and wants to be with you, and he shows you that he loves you in all the other ways he can.
So if we do the math (this is something I'm really bad at, by the way), out of the 365 days of a year, and every day of that he thinks about you, and takes care of you, and you take care of him, then you're 100% a couple. And if he spends 4 hours at a bachelor party once a year, then we're down to what, a miniscule fraction of a year, and I'll bet he thinks about you once or twice while he's there, and so it's even smaller. I'm willing to bet he even feels a bit guilty about it, but won't admit it to you...
If your boyfriend was hanging around every other night in strip clubs, well then we'd have some different math, wouldn't we? I'd say, give him the freedom and the trust and let him go off and hang out with his buddies, then when he comes home, knock his socks off with your own desires and demands! Turn the tables on him there, turn him upside his head.
At the end of the day, he's coming home to you and wants to be with you. The rest, and it sounds basically harmless, is just mind candy. Haul out your best sense of humor, bring home from your own evening out your best self confidence, and just love this guy. Don't let something that really isn't a big issue become one, okay?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): Therese, you are so obviously a very insecure individual. And very childish - you are doing something you don't really want to in order to compete with your husband. Aw, just grow up, woman - stop being so immature!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Tisha!
I have to say I am trying what you are doing ... just go out w friends while he is gone and have a lots of good time and flirt with men around me. I have to say .. the next day (while I am upset he went) he is upset too, cause he doesnt know what I was doing and if I have met someone while out.
I told him to NOT touch while he is there. He said he has no reason to. That he loves me and wont do anything that would hurt our relationship.
He doesnt go to strip clubs on regular baces at all! I wouldnt be with him, if he was. He really went only twice since we met .. and both times were bachelore parties ... he didnt go to a club, he went to a hotel where they had two strippers. Which I find lil worst. Since in a club you have rules .. in the hotel - everything goes.
He said, its more fun that enjoyble. That is kinda funny when the girls are humping the bachelore or doing whatever they are doing to each other infront of them.
My BF loves me and he lets me know every day bilion times. And I love him too. I know I have to just go with it and understand a lil .. but its not easy, since to me its a big disrespect he is giving me by going.
I did go out each time tho. And I flirted with guys, got drunk (which my BF doesnt like,cause I get very friendly w others) and danced on the bar ... I just had fun and didnt think for a minute what he was doing.
Unfortunately ... I still cant have sex with him afterwords (lets say for next day or two) cause I feel hurt and disrespected. This is what I have to get over and I am not sure how.
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A
male
reader, texpsych +, writes (8 May 2008):
As a man who has been to strip clubs in the past, I'd say it's probably a bit of both. Men are visually aroused, so he may be turned on, or he may just have missed you while he was there. For most men, strip clubs are social events for the men. There are naked women and beer there. Sometimes free steak. We're simple creatures. We like naked women, beer, and steak. And big screen TV's with sports going at the same time.
Personally, I went while I entertained clients, but I've been with buddies as well. I wasn't looking to "score", it's just pleasant to see naked women. Unless they're skanky coke fiends. Which a lot of them are.
What a torrid romance novel(softcore porn really)is to a woman, strip clubs are for men.
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A
female
reader, BigSis  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 Very well put Tisha. Your outlook and attitude is the absolute right one to take. That's what makes a perfect relationship.
The trust and openess roles are major factors in any relationship. Without those two factors, you are well on your way to destroying what you have.
I was in a 14 year relationship with someone whom I loved, respected and 100% trusted, just as he did me. Sadly {and that's a big sadly} we split up last June, that was purely for the fact that I couldn't be with him on a more permanant basis, {even though I used to fly out there a few times to be with him} and for some other problematic circumstances, which neither of us could resolve.
He worked abroad for 5 months of the year, and for the whole time he was away from me, I knew he remained faithful, and so did I.
Now he'd told me on many occasions that there were several opportunities for him to be led astray by his fellow workmates, as he ran a hotel on an Island that was inundated with beautiful women and quite a few raunchy clubs.
He had every opportunity to go off with any woman he wanted, having a house to himself out there, but he didn't, and although he'd be going home to an empty bed, it was me who excited him, not them.
So like Tisha says, as long as they just look but don't touch, then I think that's fine too.
One of my 'Articles' has a perfect line for this, and that's; "Keep your sex-life alive...act like a ----- in the bedroom and a wife out of it".
{Although the kitchen, bathroom, stairs, living room and garden are fun too!!}
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (8 May 2008):
I'm going to put in my 2 cents worth on this one. My husband very, very occasionally will be invited to a strip club, normally for a bachelor party. I have to admit, it makes me very uncomfortable, and I have made it very clear to him that he can look, but NO lap dances, no touching whatsover. That's my line, and as far as I know, he has respected that.
I have examined my feelings on this and his motivation as best I can understand it. He goes only when asked for an event like the bachelor party, he doesn't go once a week, once a month, or even once a year, it's less frequent than that. I can't remember the last time he went, actually. It's a male bonding ritual, one that I don't particularly love, but there you have it. Men are entitled to their fantasies and I don't want to control his life or his choices, I want him to go out and hang out with his buddies and have a good time. I do not want him to touch the women that are being ogled, though. That's my line.
Now, if he was going every week or once a month, I would become very worried. But he doesn't, so I can live with the infrequent visits. He also treats me with the same loving care no matter what, and I trust him. I guess it boils down to that for me. I trust him, and I trust his feelings for me. He comes home to me, and I try to make sure that he is welcomed with open arms, though I suppose sometimes my attitude is a little irritated, because it becomes a self-esteem issue. But that is my issue, not his, and he does not make me feel any less desired or desirable because he's happened to be looking at beautiful naked women.
I get the same worries at the beach, I can't compete with the hot young women in bikinis, I just can't. But how I carry myself and how I lift my own self-confidence is up to me. All I know is that he is not tearing me down, and he does what he can to support me.
I'm not judging him or your situation, because I really don't know the frequency of your man's visits or what he does there or how he treats you when he comes home, or how he treats you in general. This is just my own perspective on the whole issue.
I have learned to make sure I have some really fun plans for the very few nights he goes to one of these clubs, and hang out with my good girl friends and do some mild harmless flirting with attractive men, so that when he does come home, I've had a fabulous, confidence boosting evening. In fact, on one occasion, I got home after he did. It made all the difference in my outlook on the whole thing. Maybe because he was a teensy bit worried that I might find another man more attractive than he was? Who knows. But I know he's coming home to me, and I am coming home to him, and I trust him. That's the bottom line for me.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt doesnt really matter what he thinks AFTER HE COMES HOME!
He was there, even tho I said I dont like it, ... he desrespected me in every way men probably could disrespect woman by going where he went and no "Honey you look soo much better than those perfect skinny big boobies sexy ass dancers bitches" can get him out of it.
He never said he liked it, he thinks its funny and its an entertaintment ... I say "Watching tv is an entertaintment, having someone else than me naked on you lab is not only cheating in a way, but also desrespect"
I dont know where you guys get the guts to do this to your women!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): I nearly wet myself laughing at the quote below...."I always end up having sex with my girlfriend after the clubs because she looks SO MUCH BETTER by comparison."
Suuuuurrre thats why you end up having sex after the strip clubs because you appreciate your gf sooooo much more...get real.....if you really thought the strip club girls were so pathetic then no friend in the world could drag you there as it is COMPLETELY DISRESPECTFUL to your gf and ALL women..
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 May 2008): By the way, I thought I would point out that many men don't get aroused at all from strip clubs. Strip clubs are for men with a very particular taste in women, since the women are all generally the same, they all do the same things, perform in the same way... a lot of guys prefer subtle sexuality, a more nuanced version of sexiness, something a little more sophisticated than a naked chick humping a pole in high heels. The few times (probably less than 5) that I went (with a group of friends who dragged me there), I wasn't even slightly aroused by the women doing the dancing (I actually found the whole scene sort of pathetic and funny). When I went back to my girlfriend I felt a newfound appreciation for her beauty and the unique way she expresses her sexuality. I was thankful, you might say, that she WASN'T writhing about and dancing to cheesy music in an effort to desperate turn me on... There is nothing sexier than a real woman acting out REAL sexuality rather than showing men what she THINKS they find sexy. I always end up having sex with my girlfriend after the clubs because she looks SO MUCH BETTER by comparison. Just an alternative opinion.
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A
male
reader, oldfool  +, writes (8 May 2008):
 Your issue appears to be that he saw some other woman naked. If you don't like men going to strip clubs, just come out and say so. Don't get it all tangled up with giving or denying sex.
In fact, it's perfectly possible to look at women's naked bodies and think of your own wife/lover's body. It doesn't mean you're comparing her to some whore on stage, it means that the sight of an attractive naked woman has turned your thoughts to her naked body. You can go anywhere -- to the beach, to the pool, to the gym -- to see the female form in a near-natural state, and come away with a similar horny feeling. As long as he's thinking of you, I don't see why it matters.
I can only think of one thing worse than a man going to a strip joint and coming home wanting his wife. And that's a man going to a strip joint and coming home NOT wanting his wife. Take your pick, honey.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI had to answer theseWhat say a girl came home from a night out with the girls and said, "We all got into intimate talk about our guys. I got so turned on, I just couldn't wait to come home and be with you!" Would he be right to turn his back on you?---this is a totaly different thing ... talking to people about my man, and having a butt naked person on my lab staring in there ass all night ... u can't compare these two !!! ---What if a guy came home and said, "I went to a strip club with the boys, and all the time I was looking at those strippers I couldn't stop thinking of you. I feel so horny, I really want you tonight!" Are you going to reject him because he saw some other woman's body? --- absolutely YES, because if he had the guts to compare me to some whore on stage, than he has no respect for me at all. He is not thinking of me, who r u kidding! he is thinking of her, her body and how would she possibly be in bed ... ---What if you are both looking at porn and get horny for sex? Is it OK for the two of you to stoke your juices by looking at other people's (staged) sexual experiences?--- watching porn together is different. And also .. its TV!!!Its not alive person you can touch and smell and talk to .. its a TV!!! u can't compare it again!!! ---
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (5 May 2008):
"A woman turns her sexual availability to her partner on and off at her own risk." Having written this, I think it goes for the man, too. Making yourself available to satisfy your partner's sexual desires is part of a loving relationship. Surely we don't get into a relationship so we can have sex whenever we feel like it and to hell with what the other person wants.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2008): It's different depending on the guy.
I'm not the strip-club type myself. Although I have been to them maybe 4 or 5 times with friends and relatives.
I didn't really find it much of a turn-on because a stripper is usally not my type of girl. I swear I'm not trying to judge those girls about it but different strokes for different folks. (Hey, I said I don't normally even go to strip clubs unless it is someone else's event.)
You should probably be able to deal with your man and strip clubs if you can deal with the idea of your man watching porno and still wanting you in the end. Or even just ogling a hot girl on the street or on TV.
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A
male
reader, oldfool +, writes (4 May 2008):
Does it matter how he gets aroused, as long as you're the one he wants?
What say a girl came home from a night out with the girls and said, "We all got into intimate talk about our guys. I got so turned on, I just couldn't wait to come home and be with you!" Would he be right to turn his back on you?
What if a guy came home and said, "I went to a strip club with the boys, and all the time I was looking at those strippers I couldn't stop thinking of you. I feel so horny, I really want you tonight!" Are you going to reject him because he saw some other woman's body?
What if you are both looking at porn and get horny for sex? Is it OK for the two of you to stoke your juices by looking at other people's (staged) sexual experiences?
If you're going to exclude any inappropriate sources of arousal from the scope of "loving sex", you're really running the risk of impoverishing your love life. "Sex for this reason is good, sex for this reason is bad..." After a while someone's going to get sick of "loving sex" and start wishing for straight, hassle-free sex with a partner they love, without having to make justifications. A woman turns her sexual availability to her partner on and off at her own risk.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 May 2008): I think I would be pretty annoyed and tell him to deal with his erection in the bathroom. Coming home aroused after visiting a strip club is obviously not going to be followed by loving sex. He's aroused over the women he saw there. If you want loving sex from him, you're not going to get it that night. If you're horny too and wnat to be satisfied sexually, then ok.
Imagine, you went to a football game or something, and met a player who really turns you on, you spend some time with him, getting more and more aroused, and then go home, turned on, seeking out your partner to release that tension. You'd be thinking about the footballer! Not your partner!
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (22 April 2008):
 Most men who goes to strip clubs would not want to tell their
wives as they will get those kind of reactions like yours.
They would try to hide all the evidence from their wives.
You can bet that those images would be still fresh in their minds when they make love to their wives.
Only they themselves knows what goes on in their minds.
You become an extension of those images.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 April 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would never give sex to my man when he comes home from a night like that .. he has to rally work on it to get back what he wants, because I aint giving up that easily!! When he comes home .. he is sleeping next to me, but he better not even get closer, or things will get very ugly. Dont touch me, dont talk to me .. leave me alone. Go to sleep! Things will look much better in the morning ... or at least he can hope for that .. lol
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A
male
reader, Collaroy +, writes (22 April 2008):
 Hi,
well I hate to be a party pooper but the sight of a heroin addict taking her clothes off has never interested me.
But I would add that the type of guy who frequents strip clubs will most likely have a picture in his head when he gets home, how quickly that picture disappears is anyones guess.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): reading these answers as a woman makes me sick...what woman would degrade herself to sleeping with a man who comes home all aroused over OTHER women...acceptable?
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (21 April 2008):
 Both, probably best not to speculate too much on how much of either.
There is a reason our thoughts are private. Do you REALLY want your partner to know exactly what you were thinking everytime you are close to them?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 April 2008): Therese, I obviously can't speak for other guys but for me, yes, I would be high on sexual excitement from the night out and of course would want/ need sex when I got home. However, it would be YOU that I'd be making love with, for definite. It's just the night out which provided the stimulus. Acceptable?
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A
female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (21 April 2008):
 I would suspect a little of both, but I wouldn't pick this as a good time to turn him away out of my bed! He could probably find a phone number in that establishment for someone more willing and I want him to to come home to eat whether or not he was looking at take-out... LOL!
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