A
female
age
41-50,
*veryminute
writes:I have done the unthinkable for the last 8 years of my life. Please don't hammer me. I have been dating married man. No kids. He's much older than me and at first I was just having fun but it turned into love. He's taken me on many trips and showered me with gifts and endless support. He told me he's going to leave her to be mine from the very beginning but he finally told the wife about me six months ago but nothing more has happened. First he said it would only be a couple of months but now he's doesn't know how long it will take befor he can leave her bcuz he's a nice guy and doesn't want to hurt her. He wants to play it out a little longer in hopes of the wife leaving him instead so he doesn't have to be the one to break it off with her. Are theses excuses? I was angry but now I'm thinking I need to quit but I don't want to make a mistake. My question is for any one or men other there who has been in his shoes, is it really that hard to leave the marriage or am I right? It's excuse.
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male
reader, KnightnDay  +, writes (16 October 2015):
A lot of advice here.A lot of opinions but how many are from men in this situation. We all surmise and assume but the only one that knows how the man feels is the man. I wont disagree with statistics or "your" particulars cases as they are relevant to the discussion as well. So my situation is somewhat similar a d somewhat different which also skews tbe message. So ive been married for 25 years and dated for 7 prior to that so 32 years. I never asked my wife to marry me and the wedding was at a chappel with only our immediate families so approx. 12 people in attendance. This is how she wanted it as she couldnt see wasting such money o. frivolous activities. I was actually hurt but never said so. Also we dated from high school through college and for a few entry level jobs . After stepping away from a business start up with a friend i was offerred a $100,000 year job with a big oil company.Ive been there 25 years. (All this matters sorry for the book) I didnt know what "love" was but i knew what friendship was and she had been my friend since high school. I had always had crushes but i was always shy and would turn beat red if a girl say hello to me. I was a big athlete at the time and this girl new my teammates a d i got to know her. We dated for seven years. I got offerred this amazing job. I also was offerred a job in Northern British Columbia at the same time. She had been with me for seven years!! The next step was in front of me!/us?.. i didnt love her not passionately. But nice guys cant just take the money and selfishly move on! I cared about her and it was the right thing to do. She bad put on about 80pounds since high school and i tried to get her to do something but she said take me as i am or dont take me at all. Really? Well i cant treat peolple like that so i learned to accept. I was different i knew that and i wanted to be better than how men were percieved by women. Of course i am attracted to fit attractive women buti knew there was more than just body image to love. So through many years and lack of communication i have always felt distant from feelings and emotions . Our lives were about doing things together but not feeling thi gs together. The intimate passion and sesnse of oneness did not exist. We did things for us but not for each other. Well actually i did make cards bring flowers and offer jewlry but it was always rebuffed as being unneccesary or too expensive. And honestly i really dont like obesity. Sorry and i have struggled but i look at attractive women and notice them smile at me just as kindness and then think my wife is not attractive to me but that i am committed to her. So where does this go. I met a woman that i vaguely knew in a coffee shop one day and my LIFE CHANGED! I HAD never seen a smile as genuine and beautiful as i did that day. That smile was her light and her essence. I had been. writing poetry at the time and she was writing as well but the bond was intense. She said if i am ever single come and find her. We met five more tmes for coffee and hand holding. This girl i know is a girl i had dreamt about since dreaming about on a besch vacation to Kennybunkport Maine as a 12 year old. She is the one . I filled a plastic drink cup with cinnamon hearts and life savers and lady bug straw and offerred it as a birthday gift. Wow what a smile. So people will say non of that should have happened. I am so full of love with no where to take it.I have been to counselling 5 times twice with my wife. One of the counselling sessions i attended (6sessions) i did withkut wife knowing a d she felt betrayed!? So do leave? I was set to and i got sick . Ive been sick for over a year and for a year ive questioned life. Every day i think of this woman. The first thing in the morning the last thing at night and often in dreams.. My friend said that i have a lot of history with my wife and it wont be easy. She actually said find me when yiu are single becauze we both knew this was wrong. We have a bond a bond neither of us had ever had but i am married. Woukd i leave .. i think so .. i was very close .i actually slelt in my car for three hours at minus 30 celcius because i just couldnt go home . Its hard . The constructs we put on ourselves to do the right thing over doing for ourselves for our own growth and for love.I always knew what love felt like because i say it everyday. For the first time ever i saw it looking back at me and have essentially let it go. i care very much for my wife. As far as sex well that happens about once every four months. My wife is a terrble kisser and because of her weight she does not inspire romance. I work out daily and also work 50 -60hours a week as per my shift schedule at work. Similar to a firefighter schedule. Would i leave.. its very hard but if i did see my friend more i am sure because we both know how we feel. If i were healthy i would give all my money away to hold my friend ! Cinnamon hearts and life savers..love changes everything.. we never once had sex !
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2015): Of course they are excuses he's never going to leave his wife or he would have already.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (6 October 2015):
 As long as a guy has "a little something on the side".... who doesn't press for anything more... then we have Nirvana... and don't even have to CONSIDER splitting from "her."
THAT is your status. If you're content with it, then continue on. IF you want to be a wife/girlfriend/or "significant other" to this guy... then YOU have to insist upon it!!!!
Good luck....
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 October 2015): Why would we hammer someone who's been sleeping with a married man for 8 years and doesn't get that excuses is all you'll ever have from him?
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A
female
reader, everyminute +, writes (5 October 2015):
everyminute is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): There are no kids. There are no children for whom he is making a sacrifice. He stays because he is happy with the status quo. It's as simple as walking out the door and never coming back. That's all he's had to do for the last 8 years. But he goes back because that us where he wants to be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): To be honest leaving even an unhappy marriage is very difficult especially if it has lasted for a long time despite the unhappiness. I completely agree with the male reader Garbo's comment. But I don't agree with the views that say you wasted 8 years. They aren't wasted. That is life.Such experiences and incidents make life.Life is full of such things.You should be glad for every experience that has made you wiser and better person.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2015): I sit on the other side of the fence here - & that means I think men DO leave their wives on numerous occasions. I know of at least 4 couples in the last few years where men have split with their wives in favour of the mistress. Why else is the divorce rate so high if this isn't the case?!!
However, I think in these cases the marriages have been dead a long time & these men were just waiting for an excuse/new love to leave. In your case Everyminute - your 'man' has had 8 years to use you as an excuse to leave & still hasn't - so it's not looking good. I wouldn't even trust the fact that you say he has told his wife about you - as there would have been some sort of reaction from either him or her about it - and like you say - nothing has happened.
There should never be a third person in a marriage so I would leave them to it before there is more heartache all round!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (5 October 2015):
 my aunt was a mistress for 25 years. He died. His wife mourned publicly and was treated properly.
My aunt sat alone and sad in her dark apartment mourning her loss. A man that never loved her enough to give her the life she deserved.
Men stay where they WANT to stay where they are comfortable.
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A
male
reader, Garbo +, writes (5 October 2015):
 Most married men, about 95% of them, never leave their wife for the other woman so your odds with this guy are virtually zero especially since he has been playing you for 8 years. In few years you will look back on these years and regret each and every one for wasting it on him. I know this cuz I've seen it in my family. I think you need to think more about disattaching from him so that you can find a man that will commit to you.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 October 2015):
 Of course his are excuses ! Even if his wife decides to leave him,- she surely would not be leaving him because he is the perfect husband ! She would be leaving because she could not cope anymore with the heartbreak, the humiliation and just plain weirdness of having to share time and space , and probably the bed too, with a guy who betrayed her trust and their bond.
In other words , if she leaves it's because the husband's behaviour has made her position intolerable- so he would be he " bad guy " anyway, regardles of who leaves home first !
Yes, leaving a spouse is difficult. There are often kids involved, money matters, legal costs, family and friends are shocked and take sides, sense of guilt, arguments, bitterness... generally it is difficult.
So what ? Is your lover just programmed to do "easy " ? Then good luck to him; life , with few exceptions, is never all easy.
There are tons of things that are difficult, yet people does them anyway, voluntarily and routinely .
Giving birth is dfficult, yet millions of women do it.
Passing tests and getting a degree is difficult. Raising a family is difficult. Losing weight, quitting smoking.
Even making it home safely driving in the crazy traffic of a big city is difficult.
Life is full of challenges . One may reasonably not go to seek them out ... but if he finds himself slamming his face right into one, he cannot just whine "oh my, this is so difficult ".
What he is saying, basically, is that you are not worth enough to him that he may accept to go through any degree of unpleasantness connected with the process to "make himself yours ". If that would be possible without altering his habits, lifestyle, income, and quiet yes. Otherwise no, he can't be arsed.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (5 October 2015):
 Honestly he has been making the same "promise" for 8 years, you really think he NOW will keep it?
And he wants to wait for the wife to leave him? HOW convenient for him and how utterly coward-like!
My question is to you, how long do you think it will be before he cheats on YOU with a younger than you "model" IF he leaves his wife?
And you have WASTED 8 years on a man who was never "yours" - you want to waste more of your life waiting on the wife to leave? Maybe she is FINE where she is, being taken car of financially, emotionally, socially....
They don't HAVE kids so there is NOT reason he couldn't leave UNLESS.... he doesn't want to. He is getting something out of stay with her. Something YOU can't give.
Honey, do you even question your own actions? Or his?
8 years? He has been cheating on his wife. If you are to become his wife or "actual" GF - that COULD be you. The woman he is cheating on. And he might cheat on you for a LONG time before he fesses up.
You have to decide what you want. Do you want to be this guy's wife's sloppy seconds? Do you want to keep growing old and NOT have a real partner, because no matter the vacations or the money he spends on you.. HE is not "yours" - you just get him like a loaner here and there, when it SUITS him.
8 years, it's no longer "unthinkable".
Let me tell you a story, my grandmother divorced my grandfather after couple of years marriage and 2 kids. HE had cheated on her. She then met this very lovely wealthy man who was married to someone else. So he OFFERED to divorce his wife and leave her and their 3 kids to be with my grandmother. But no, she CHOSE to be his mistress instead. Why? Because she got a companion, who spend money on her, took her places, treated her well - but she didn't have to do his laundry, pick up his dirty socks, take care of him when he was sick, etc. She had family for the holidays, so she didn't need him for that. She was more scared of HIM cheating on her IF she married him, than looking at the moral aspect of her own choice to be a mistress. 50 YEARS she was with him. Oh, the wife knew. And the wife didn't leave. And when he died she was barred from his funeral. The wife harassed her to no end. All those years of being a bitter wife spilled into some serious evil stalking and malice.
And you know what? I don't blame the wife - though the REAL culprit WAS her husband who had PROMISED fidelity when he married her. I still say, I felt sorry for my grandmother to have wasted so much love, affection and attention on a guy she really didn't have and really didn't want.
There is nothing romantic or envious about being a mistress - it's just sad to see a woman waste her potential and life on a man who is toying with her, using her.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan  +, writes (5 October 2015):
I’m sorry to be plain-speaking but he doesn’t love you, or even care for you all that much. You’re a bit of fun for him. He’s kept you dangling as his mistress, to pick up when it suits him. Yes, it’s difficult to leave a marriage and break some-one’s heart, unless you’re a complete monster, but if you mattered enough to him he’d have done it for you. Instead, he’s kept you waiting over 7 years before apparently telling his wife, and now he is so cowardly that he wants her to be the one to make it easy for him by walking out first. In over 4 years on this site, he has to be the most pitiful excuse of a man I’ve ever heard of. You say that you don’t want to make a mistake, but you’ve been making one for 8 years. Please, for your sake, don’t continue to make this mistake a day longer. Get rid of him. Hopefully his wife will see sense and do the same, if (and it’s a big if) he’s even told the poor woman.
I wish you all the very best.
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