A
female
age
,
*ady118
writes:We both had crushes on each other in middle school, and formed a friendship. We attended different high schools, but always kept track of each other through mutual friends. In our late 20’s we dated and had an intimate relationship. He was not married, but had a child by an ex-girlfriend. I ended the relationship when I found out he was sleeping with both of us. We both went our separate ways. Fast forward…30 years have passed, my ex has been married and divorced twice and has 3 grown daughters. My son’s father abused me, we separated and he passed away in 2008. My ex-boyfriend and I reconnected on Facebook in 2012, he still lives in Philadelphia. We exchanged numbers and began a new long distance friendship over the phone after his second divorce. We have been communicating f (every 2 months) for the last 3 years, our conversations last for hours. We found out that life had changed dramatically for both of us in 2008, my ex-boyfriend had heart surgery, and I had spinal surgery. He revealed why he was twice divorced (first wife left him and married his best friend, both him and his second wife cheated on each other for 20 years, and she divorced him in 2011 and remarried in 2014). He knows about the domestic abuse I suffered with my son’s father and how after his death had moved to Florida. During my six years in Florida, I had several unsuccessful online dating experiences and one unsuccessful long distance relationship with a guy from my high school days. I gave up on dating in Florida two years ago.In 2012, I visited Philadelphia to have a medical procedure, my ex invited me to dinner, but I wasn’t feeling well. He brought take out and came to my hotel for dinner. We hugged, laughed, talked and had a great time (we did not have sex). We both have our responsibilities. (My son’s away in college. He moved his elderly Mom in with him, because she can no longer live alone).My ex and I both will turn 57 years old in February 2016, during a recent conversation, we agreed to spend our birthdays together. He will come to Florida, and we will spend some quality time together. He will stay in my guest room. He has promised to be a gentleman (no sex), yet I know him and me, we had an intense sexual relationship when we dated (which he vividly remembers). I find I still have strong affection for him. He has already expressed a desire to embrace me and have private discussions about certain things in person. He has told his daughter and a few friends that he will be visiting an old friend in Florida in Feb 2016. He told me his daughter wants to meet me. I am suddenly apprehensive about spending time with my friend/ex-boyfriend/friend in person… I don’t want to destroy our present friendship, yet at this point in my life I would like to be in a relationship/marriage. I find I want to hear from him more often, it’s been 2 weeks since our last conversation and I miss talking to him. I made the last two calls to him, should I call again or wait? I have already considered moving out of Florida. Is he just looking for sex or possibly considering rekindling our old relationship?
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best friend, crush, divorce, ex girlfriend, exchanged numbers, facebook, long distance, my ex Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Lady118 +, writes (7 October 2015):
Lady118 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate your responses. I see your point. I have decided to just enjoy his company and guard my heart. Perhaps when I move out of Florida within the next two years, the dating climate will be more positive.
I would like to marry, but if it doesn’t happen I am prepared to live the single life.
A
male
reader, BrownWolf  +, writes (6 October 2015):
Hello Lady118,
You are still trying to make this situation accepting. Your lack of dating is blinding you from the truth.
"Both of us made mistakes, connected with the wrong people and have paid the price for those bad decisions."
Who's mistake was it to sleep with you and the mother of his first child at the same time???
Who's mistake was it to cheat on his wife for 20 years...yours??? So why are you trying to down play his actions?? You will say "Yes, but his wife cheated on him for 20 years too." Does that make his actions right??? How do you know it was only one woman he was cheating with?? Because he said so and you trust him???
You see that light at the end of the tunnel?? That is not the way out...that my dear is light on the front of the train heading your way, and you have to decide where you want to be standing...On the tracks, or on the platform?
You have been through 17 years of abuse. Cheating on your wife for 20 years is also abuse.
Do not link up with a man just because you are having a hard time meeting one. That hard time is not meant for you to rush into someone's arms. It is meant for you to be cautious, and not end up with another 17 years of abuse.
How would you feel if you "rekindled this relationship" only to find out down the road that he is cheat on you with someone else???
If you want to rekindle this relationship just for some fun in the meantime, that is your choice...as long as you do not put your heart into it. But if you want marriage...stay focus on that, and leave the other nonsense alone.
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A
female
reader, Lady118 +, writes (6 October 2015):
Lady118 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. Your question made me take a good look at what I really want in a relationship. I would like a relationship that would lead to marriage, but want to see, talk and celebrate my birthday with my ex. I would like to rekindle our relationship and will take a wait and see attitude. If, that’s not possible then the friendship will continue.The elusive new man has not appeared in 4 years. On-line dating for a woman in my age group seems to be viewed by men as an invitation to a booty call. I have not met anyone who interested me or who didn’t want to have sex on the first date. I have had several unsuccessful online dates. I live in a tourist town where cultural activities and meetups are minimal.We both were in our late 20’s when the cheating incident occurred, I myself had another man in my life.We didn’t reconnect for 30 years because I relocated for employment opportunities. Then, I spent 17 years in a bad relationship with my son’s father (due to child custody matters). My son’s father was an abusive, controlling and jealous man. He didn’t want me to keep in connect with my female friends much less any male friends. My ex got married during that time. We both just had to deal with the situations in our life. Both of us made mistakes, connected with the wrong people and have paid the price for those bad decisions.
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A
male
reader, BrownWolf +, writes (5 October 2015):
Hello Lady118,
"Is he just looking for sex or possibly considering rekindling our old relationship?"
The question is... what are you looking for?? I see a woman who is lonely, and reconnected with someone she feels comfortable with, rather than a new man in her life. I also see pain waiting for you. All the warning signs are flashing neon red in your face, but you see a possible chance at something new.
Let me show you something...and imagine how you would be thinking if this was a new guy you just met, compared to someone you already knew... Read your own words carefully.
" I ended the relationship when I found out he was sleeping with both of us."
"30 years have passed, my ex has been married and divorced twice"
"both him and his second wife cheated on each other for 20 years"
"I am suddenly apprehensive about spending time with my friend/ex-boyfriend/friend in person"
The last statement is your conscience warning you...but you will not listen. :))) Your loneliness will blind you from the truth.
If the both of you did not reconnect for 30 years...what does that tell you?? This is a chance to reconnect with the man who was sleeping with me and another woman? Or maybe he will cheat on me for 20 years as well?
You want this..."I would like to be in a relationship/marriage. "
After two divorce...what do you think he wants? Another marriage?? If a completely new guy came at you with that story, most likely you would run the other way.
So my question again is this...What are you looking for??
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