A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm a married woman, and have been married for 8 years. I love me husband and see him as the man I will get old with. He's my best friend. My future is with him as emotionally we just 'click'. Sexually we are very compatible too. He satisfies me all the time and our sex life is good.This is the situation...For about 2 years now I've been having an affair with a man who comes into town every few months. We met through a networking event, but don't work with each other nor have mutual friends/colleagues, so apart from the time we spend in bed, there's no contact between us. From the first instant there was a smouldering chemistry and physical attraction between us. That first time we met we ended up having sex in his hotel room - and we had barely spoke more than 20 words to each other. The sex was intense, and to say the least, simply remarkable. My body has never responded to a man like that before. I went home in the early hours of the morning and climbed into bed with my husband, but didn't feel guilty. To be honest I saw myself as satisfying a need and used this other man for sex. That's how I rationalised it.Anyway, whenever he comes to town (usually for 3-4 days at a time) we meet in his hotel each afternoon and have sex for a quite a few hours before I go home. It is ALWAYS great mind-blowing sex. Now, I don't 'make love' to him, as I don't love him. This is just carnal pleasure and nothing more. It may sound harsh, but I don't feel guilty because it is just pleasure and nothing more. We both understand the nature of our meetings and don't share detals of our personal lives. We keep it strictly sexual. I'm not sure I actually like him as a person, but the chemistry between us always makes the sex incredible. This is the problem...I am now pregnant to this man. Before you ask, no we never used protection. I've counted back and checked my ovulation cycle and I'm 100% sure it's his baby. I'm going to keep it and raise the child as my husband's and mine as he and I have had problems getting pregnant for years. My lover knows about the baby and believes my husband is the father. I don't want him to be part of the child's life, but I'm unsure whether that is fair. Do I give him the choice under the strict knowledge my husband doesn't find out the truth? I'm not sure how I do this. I will continue to have my sexual affair with my lover after I give birth. In fact we still meet now despite the pregnancy.Your advice? Please don't judge my situation, I just need advice on how I somehow include my lover in the child's life, if that is indeed what he wants, without my husband knowing.
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affair, best friend, married woman, sex life Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): wow...it is women like you that remind me why I tell my son to never ever marry.Tell your husband and get it over with. He will find out and in this day and age it is easy to determine who the father is, and it will only get easier. Imagine in five or ten years when your husband looks at your son and thinks to himself "he sure does not look or act like me", then he goes to the local drugstore and buys a $5.00 dna tester and after finding out the truth he calls his lawyer and changes the locks....
A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (16 January 2010):
Please please don't lie to your husband. I won't judge you for your affair, but I will judge you for the fact that in ten ten years time when your husband finds out, he will be heartbroken, and then he will look at your child, say he's not it's Dad and leave it. And what are you going to say to your child when he/she asks why his/her 'Dad' has said he's not the Dad and has left. You can't even imagine the hatred your child will have. Your husband is not the man for you, so divorce him now, before your poor child is dragged into a big mess. Because when it all comes out (and it will, affairs are seldom kept secret), guess who will end up looking really bad. And guess who will have a child that hates them (And believe me, I've seen it). You will be left with nothing. Your husband will find out.
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A
male
reader, AustralianSage  +, writes (16 January 2010):
You show a distinct lack of humanity to yourself and those around you and need to seek counseling to understand how you arrived at this point. The manipulation and deceit you are willing to weave into your life is simply breathtaking and must exhaust you. I feel nothing but sorrow for you. I am very sorry for your situation and the events in your life that has established a framework to your existence that is bereft of morality. I imagine that it's a very hollow and lonely existence.
Like the others, I have empathetic feelings for your husband and the future of your child, but I have a lot more concern for you right now. The satisfying life you have with your husband is not enough for you. Rhetorically I ask why? It's almost like you are punishing yourself for your perfect life. Unprotected sex? You know what this means. Why did you seek to wilfully destroy your happy home? Whether you deserve it or not is debateable, but the fact remains you have it and do not cherish or protect it. Why?
Everyone deserves to be loved. Even you. Maybe start loving yourself and your life may change. In the meantime, you need to be an adult and take responsibility for your actions.
God bless.
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A
female
reader, meg2989 +, writes (16 January 2010):
 Well since everyone else decided to tell you their opinions of your relationships, I really think I should tell you my honest opinion too. You asked people not to judge you, but how can you expect people to help you lie to your husband? You don't love your husband, if you did, you would not do this to him. You even said yourself that you did not feel guilty, when you truely love someone and cheat on them, you would feel guilt. Infact because you love them, you would not cheat on your significant other at all. So you've basically destroyed your wonderful, loving relationship with your husband, for a man that you have no feelings for. And honestly you saw your self as satisfying a need... when you said that your husband does please you... so how the hell does that make sense? Although that really doesn't matter because you should NEVER cheat on your partner anyway, especially when you claim to love him! You say he's your best friend, well would you put a knife in your best friend's back? Because thats what you're doing. Now cheating is bad enough... but now you you are pregnant with your "lover's" child? First of all, are you dense? Did you ever take a health class, or sex ed??? You are 30+ years old!!!! You didn't use protection with this guy???!!! And you are really surprised you got knocked up??! Where is your brain!!!?? Not to mention this guy could have aids, siphillus, gonhorrea, herpes ( doesn't matter if you don't see them, he could still be a carrier) chlamydia, and you don't even think to use protection so you don't bring it home to your husband!!!??? Yeah, it shows that you REALLY love him! Just give him an incurable STD while you're out cheating on him, oh and then lie to him about your unborn child! That shows me that you not only do not care about your wonderful husband, but now are going to lie to your child about who his or hr father is. You ave no remorse! You are speeding train off track!!! Seriously have you even thought about what you are doing to these people that you claim to love! ( by these ppl i mean your husband and child) You are the kind of woman that turns men into liars and cheaters. Your husband has been so good to you and this is how you repay him, he should never have to grow old with a person like you. You should be honest with your husband for his sake. Poor man, its too bad he married you, I know women that would love to have someone like that, yet you lie and cheat on him. Then you say you are not going to stop cheating him???? Just end it. You can always try to hide the truth, but in the end it always comes out. I hope your husband DOES find out, he deserves to find out and when he does, I hope he kicks you out flat on your face. And one day your child will find out too, and they will never want anything to do with you. That is the reality. You need to just stop more problems from developing before they start, you are already living a world of lies, you probably figure what's a few more right? Wrong. You need to tell your husband about what you've done and about the baby, and stop cheating on him. If you don't do it now, its just going to be worse for you and your lies are going to rain down on you like bricks falling from the sky.
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A
male
reader, CoolAndCoolest  +, writes (16 January 2010):
nothing to judge. things happened. you cannot change it. let the fatherhood be a secret.
for your better future you can count this: stop this extra marital affair. i think u r going for it because you can a=enjoy something in it, some thing different. as your relation with ur husband is very good, u can be very frank with him to satisfy u in ur every fantasies. that way it will be easy for you to get out of this other man.
though not to judge, see in this fashion - your husband is in a pitiable condition. he must be a kind human being proud of lone possession of his wife.
living with guilt feel does not help, u say u dont have a guilt. but it will be good if you do justice to your husband.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): I dont know what to say. I am trying to think of something to suggest that would help someone involved, but I just don't know. You're piling the selfishness and infliction of hurt so many feet deep that I can't think of a good suggestion.
Maybe your rationalizations are helping you sleep at night but they will do nothing for your husband when he finds out. And they will do nothing to help your child growing up in this environment that is all lies and manipulation in the most basic important ways.
Im trying not to call you names because I know that's useless and you're a stranger Ive never even met on the internet anyway. But please - don't do this. If you have to keep the child, then keep him/her in an environment of honesty.
And don't twist this knife in your husband's back. Maybe you can't give him the real marriage that he thinks he has, but you don't have to steal his kid away with lies too. Tell him the truth from the beginning. You may tell yourself that it's better to spare him the truth, but you're wrong. This won't stay hidden from him forever and it will hurt him 10 times more when he eventually finds out years down the road.
Please, don't do this.
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A
male
reader, Dalmatian +, writes (16 January 2010):
This other man probably has women at other locations.
This means you are at risk of giving a horrible STD to
your faithful husband. Divorce your husband. He deserves someone better than you!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): I probably shouldn't answer this, but you need to hear it.
Do you have a shred of decency to you? I mean, listen to yourself: "To be honest I saw myself as satisfying a need and used this other man for sex. That's how I rationalised it." And: "I will continue to have my sexual affair with my lover after I give birth. In fact we still meet now despite the pregnancy."
How can you be that way? That is just pure evil. Its women like you that make me think I never want to get married. Nevermind the fact that you have a husband who loves you when it comes to a good lay.
Think about your actions: Not only have you been sharing something that is meant to be a sacred expression of love strictly between you and your husband with some random guy, but you've also been doing it unprotected. How trashy. You do realize that you are not the only woman this other guy is screwing, right? There's no telling how many diseases he may have; and you claim to love your husband yet you crawl in bed with him and expose him to that. How selfish and immature.
Then to top it off you are going to have this other man's kid and let your husband believe it is his own.
And you're concerned whether or not the prick you got pregnant with should ever get to see the kid.
You are not worthy of your husband's love. I hope he figures out what has been going on and leaves you for someone who truly loves him. You ask not to be judged, but anyone who has an ounce of morals, dignity, and respect for the sacred bonds of marriage can't help but label you for what you are: a horrible, horrible, dispicable person and a filthy slut. On that note, if you want to draw something positive from this; at least you aren't a whore- they charge for their services.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (16 January 2010):
 If this is how you treat your husband, your best friend, I'd hate to see how you treat your enemies.
I strongly doubt you will get the advice you are looking for, as cheaters and liars aren't liked here on Dear Cupid.
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A
female
reader, meg2989 +, writes (16 January 2010):
I'm not going to answer your question, purely because you said not to judge the relationship. But I have to tell you, you cannot include your lover in the child's life without your husband knowing. Its not fair the child to grow up living a lie, and its not fair to your husband. By asking this question, you are asking people to give you ideas on how to lie and be secretive, really how can you do that? I'm sorry I am trying to make this nice as possible without judging you, but I just hope you realize what you are asking people to help you do.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 January 2010): I'm sorry if I'm harsh I'm no one to judge you But your dead wrong in doing what your doing and the fact that you don't feel any guilt that just screams that you don't really love your husband The worst thing is that you have the nerve to calmly say that you are going to continue with this affair and though you make it clear that you don't really know anything about this men you still went and had unprotected sex with him you put your health and your husband's health at risk and still you feel no guilt. And yes you can try to make your husband believe that this is his child and that you guys are one happy family But your husband will be the stupid one only for so long in the end the truth always has a way of surfacing Truly in your heart for how long do you think you can keep this big lie together?? And what about when this child grows up and has this random other men in his life what will you tell him That's just your real dad but don't tell the stupid loser at home anything!!!!
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