A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I am only 21 and at Uni Bf still has a year or so to go till he finishes. I have just found out im pregnant and wasnt sure whether to keep it but decided to. I thought It wouldnt be easy but possible. Bf has told me he doesnt want kids... not yet anyways. He is studying. He hasnt really said much about it. He told me he would not run off and that he would support me and once hes finished uni we would be laughing. He is going to become a geologist in the mines. I went to the doctors yesterday for the first time to book in blood tests etc. When I got to his place afterwards he asked me how I went. I offered to show him the papers the doctor gave me but he wasnt really interested. We cuddled losts and talked about lots of other things but not the baby. Im wondering why he is being distant in this way. I dont want him to feel like I am pressuring him into this. I know he would probably prefer getting an abortion. Thanks for your time. Im still so uncertain whether I have made the right decision.
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female
reader, deirdre  +, writes (11 May 2011):
hi I am glad it has worked out ok for you. just remember that you did make the right decision, you have done your best to be responsible and you have given it alot of thought. x
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey,Yes my bf did take me to the clinic and drove me home afterwards. He wasnt too happy to be there... just wanted to sit in the waiting room with his paper. Afterwards he was heaps better. I did have the abortion and we are still together. I dont know whether I have made the right decision but things have been good. Like back to normal. Thanks you all for your concern. I do not regret the decision i made to have the termination.
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female
reader, deirdre +, writes (19 April 2011):
helloI just read your question now, Im really sorry that your in this predicament. did you manage to get to the clinic? your boyfriend is pathetic for not even going with you, you are making the right decision. please let us know how you got on!
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male
reader, macdubh712  +, writes (16 April 2011):
I'm sorry to hear this. I hope you can find someone to take you. Do you have taxi service in your area? As for him, think about what has happened here, about what he has done. You know this is lower than whale shit, right? I hope you really realize this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI was wrong =(
My bf sent me a message late last night saying 'Im not going monday work out a way to tell my mum.' I had threatened to tell his mum the other day when we were arguing about this. All my friends are busy on that day. I dont know what to do =(
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male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (15 April 2011):
Lookie here, if he apologized, is sincere, and really tries to validate this through his actions then sure, I'm all for giving him another chance. I believe that people are faced with situations that makes them feel helpless, hopeless, and afraid when put in this situation they freak out. However, this is a situation that you are both in and he needs to have your back on this one. I can understand maybe not wanting to talk about it at first; you know, taking time to get used to the idea. He just should not treat you as he did.
Now, he has apologized so let's see if he moves forward from this situation, aye? Just don't let this man disrespect you again, okie dokie? Good luck with everything.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your replies. I really appreciate them. No need to apoligise for that as I was calling him that yesterday too. I was sooo furious. Last night I was pissed off when he came home and when he tried to apoligised I left as I was too upset. He did come and find me a bring me inside and we just hugged for ages. He apoligised to me for what had happened and didnt mean it to turn out the way it had. It did make me feel a bit better but he still really upset me yesterday. You cant joke about that stuff. His apology did make me feel better though. I dont know maybe Im just soft but he is taking me monday.
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male
reader, macdubh712 +, writes (14 April 2011):
I'm sorry but I can't resist on this one. This BF of your's is, and please forgive me, a f***in' a**hole. He did not want to wrap up his peter AND he came inside of you, but it is your fault because you two are in this situation????? I know you realize that you share half of the blame so you don't need his a** continuing to throw this in your face. That reason alone is enough to tell him to "Right Face, Foward, March!" As for half, as in one half, is in 50% of a WHOLE. Where's the other half of the blame. Where is it? It's ON HIM and he needs to get a BIG CAN OF MAN and take you to this appointment. Girl, he has given you some real time insight into his true character; please accept it for what it is and make sure you HOLD HIM to his word that you won't be having sex anymore after this. If he asks why tell him because he doesn't deserve to share something so special with you. You appear to be a good person that made a mistake...this happens to the best of us but he sure isn't handling his end of the deal with the maturity that you are.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI am so ****en furious right now!! After much thought abpoout both his and my decision I made an appointment for an abortion. Just last week he said he was more then happy to take me and pay for half.. its only $115 each. And im not allowed to drive afterwards due to the anaesthetic they put you under. He rings me up this mornign happy with my decision and starts talking about all his plans for the weekend. Im happy for him and just tell him to make sure he leaves monday morning free as well have to leave early to get there. All of a sudden all the excuses under the sun come out. Over and over he keeps blaming me saying this is my fault coz I wasnt taking the pill and how this is so unfair. He doesnt have a license coz he got drunk one night an drove. Hes pretty good but still drives to uni few times a week. He suddenly couldnt go with me coz of no license. I offered to drive there n he just drive home. He sais I would pressure him about sex and then not take the pill and look what happens. He said look how much trouble this has caused. I ended up saying I couldnt drive and If he didnt take me I wouldnt be able to get it done. He then said fine ill ****en come. Like geees??? Anyone was thinking I was cutting his balls off. He then sent me messages saying dont think we ever having sex after this coz I wont know if your taking your pill rarara... Im so upset and hurt that he couldnt even think about how im feeling and that all I wanted was for him to support me and take me down there. I know a mate whose bf went with her when she got one and brought her flowers and everything coz she was so upset. All mine can do is blame me and make me feel like shit. I cant believe it im so angry. =( =( =(
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female
reader, dmartin89  +, writes (13 April 2011):
 Hi, I just wanted to say that k_c100 answers are excellent, exactely what I would have written.
Also to add, I was in this same position 2 years ago, I was 19 about to start uni, and I was in a stable relationship. Our contraception failed. The pregnancy ended in termination, a decision which I do not regret but sometimes feel sad about.
The most important thing to do is to communicate with your bf and make an informed decision together. Don't let anyone force you into making a decision you're not comfortable with.
One of the reasons I had a termination was because I had extreme morning sickness for 6 weeks and I think I went a little crazy becuase I literally could not see myself going ahead with the pregnancy, I didnt feel pregnant, just very ill, I hadnt bonded with the "baby" and I started to hate my boyfriend because he couldent stop my sickness (sounds silly now). So I didnt really feel I had made the decision of termination myself, it was like my body had made it for me which makes me a little angry sometimes now.
So just make sure you make an INFORMED decision that both of you are comfortable with.
If you choose to keep it; how will you support yourselves, will you be able to finish school, do you have a family/friend support, somewhere to live, enough money etc
If not; I really suggest after termination councilling. Its good to be able to talk about anything you want, how you feel about anything and to someone who understands where you are emotionally. And even if you choose this option, its ok to greive about it and be sad.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 April 2011):
 Well at least you know what he wants now, he was a bit silly to do it over text but I guess he is really struggling with all of this and found it too hard to talk to you face to face.
As much as it is good that you have told him you are still not 100% comfortable with abortion, there is not a lot else he can say or do now - it is up to you. You now know how he feels - he does not want the child. So you have to come to your own decision, considering both what you want and what he wants. After all, the baby is inside you so it is your choice what happens to it.
What is is about abortion that you are not 100% comfortable with? How would you say you are feeling about keeping it vs abortion? Are you 50/50 split on what to do? Or is it more like 70/30 to abortion (or vice versa)? Did you consider abortion before you knew how your boyfriend felt? Or were you 100% sure you wanted to keep it before he told you his views?
I'm sorry you are in this situation, it must be incredibly hard and I really feel for you. You have all the facts now and you know how your boyfriend feels, so now it is crunch time and you have to decide what is right for you. If all else fails, trust your gut instinct and go with that. There are always going to be doubts about each option, because if you keep it your doubts will be surrounding your boyfriend and forcing him to have a child when he doesnt want one. Whereas if you have an abortion, your doubts will always be there because it is only natural to think 'what if' and think about the baby that could have been so to speak. But you should have a feeling deep down that one option is the 'right' thing to do, and you should trust your insincts when it comes to decisons like this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe ended up talking to me this morning. Over text... He told me hes not ready for a kid. He wants to work on his career first and that he isnt ready to miss out on his freedom. As he wont be able to go fishing or diving anymore. He told me he would take me to get an abortion and pay for half. I am happy to get an abortion but then I dunno im still not 100% comfortable with it. Ive told him this tonight and he just hasnt replied.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 April 2011):
Well done for trying to talk to him. I think what you need to do is get him on his own, when he is not in the middle of anything (so he cant use his book etc as an excuse) - when he is doing absolutely nothing that is the best time to talk to him. Even if he is watching TV or something - just walk in and turn the TV off so he has no alternative other than to look at you and talk to him.
Get really serious with him - sit down with him and tell him that neither of you are going anywhere until this is sorted out. Make sure you sound serious and stern - he is doing his best to avoid this at the moment and I think you are being a bit too cautious and nice around him. Make sure one of the first things you mention is that if you are going to have an abortion, you need to do it as early as possible in order to make it easier for you, so he needs to talk about this now or it will only get more and more complicated as time goes on.
Then explain that you know this is 50% his child, and you need to have his input before you can make a decision. Tell him that he cannot keep changing the subject - potentially this decision could change both of your lives forever and he cannot avoid this any more.
Get a bit angry with him and be strong - the time has passed for asking him nicley how he feels. He is being a coward now, you are both in this together and he needs to tell you how he feels if he wants to have any input in this decision. Dont let him move until he has spoken to you - keep pushing him until he finally gives in and opens up. He will eventually, he may moan, complain, even get angry but you need to stick with it until he has nothing left but to talk to you.
And if that still doesnt work (or if you cant bring yourself to be so forceful with him) then write him a letter explaining everything, and ask him to either write back with how he feels and what he wants, or for him to talk to you once he has read the letter. It might be easier for him to write his thoughts down if he is the sort of person who avoids conflict and who avoids dealing with serious problems.
And if that still doesnt work (I cant believe that he would still be avoiding you after all that) - well he has literally given up his opportunity to have a say in what happens. I think you need to make this really clear to him - that you are asking for his opinion, you want him to be involved in the decision and you need him to be honest and tell you what he wants. Tell him you dont want to make the decision alone and that you want to know how he feels, as the father of the child, because the baby is as much his as it is yours. And that you dont want to be one of these women who say 'its my body so my decision' - you want to come to a decision together. If he really doesnt get it and still avoids the topic, well he is a coward and unfortunately it will simply be up to you to make the decision.
I cant understand a man who would turn down the opportunity to have a say in this, he is being incredibly immature and cowardly by acting this way. If he carries on being like this then you are simply going to have to do what you want to do and what feels right for you, you cant wait forever to grow up and face his problems. But hopefully if you get a bit cross with him and force him into talking to you, whether he likes it or not then he should eventually open up.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI attempted to speak to him last night when he came to bed. I offered the option of abortion. He just kept saying I dont know and that if I had been taking the pill properly we wouldnt be in this problem. He said he was trying to read his book and couldnt look me in the eye. I got no where. We need to talk about it but he has no interest. How can we sort this out if he cant even talk to me about it. I would rather sort things out face to face. I feel so bad about this. I dont want him to feel that he is pressured into this decision. Like you said its his 50% too.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): Well too bad for him. He should have thought about that before he didn't use protection.
Anyway, he is probably not used to the idea yet, but once your belly gets bigger I'm sure he will talk about it more. After you get your first sonogram picture I bet you he will love the baby. Give him time. He's just scared.
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (12 April 2011):
This is the age old dilemma - girl wants the baby, boy doesnt - but because it is the girl's body she gets to decide and change his future, whether he wants it or not. I am not going to bring in this pro-life, pro-abortion nonsense - that is for you to decide and you only. If you are comfortable with abortion then fine, if you would regret it for the rest of your life then dont do it. I know I could never force a man to have a child when he doesnt want one, I would feel worse about that than having an abortion but that is just me. You want the baby - that's great. But lets consider your boyfriend here. Presumably you were using contraception but it failed? If that is not the case and you were simply having unprotected sex, well that is his own fault! But if it was protected and the protection failed - then look at it this way. He was happily having sex with you, in the knowledge that you were safe and would not be having children any time soon. Then all of a sudden, out of knowhere - he is going to be a dad and has no say in the matter! He was having sex with you thinking he was protected, he has made it clear he doesnt want kids yet, he is barely more than a teenager and is still studying at uni. Yet now he, against his will, is becoming a father? Imagine if someone told you that your life is going to change forever, and you have no choice in the matter? I bet you would be pissed off and wouldnt want to talk about it! Just because he put his penis inside you does not mean he wants a baby, if you were using protection then that is a clear indicator he does not want this and you are forcing something upon him that he doesnt want, simply because it is 'your body' and you get to decide. This is 50% is baby, and if he doesnt want it, then thats 50% of this baby that is unwanted. So you would think 50/50 is equal right? Well obviously not because the girl gets 100% of the decision!I have a friend who has just been through this exact situation, and it is incredibly hard on the guy because basically all their hopes and dreams, their entire future has just been taken away and replaced with a baby. My friend wanted to travel, wanted to have a really good career, wanted to achieve so much before he settled down and had a family. Yet his girlfriend got pregnant accidentaly, decided to keep it and everything he ever wanted went down the drain. He cant work long hours in order to succeed at work so he is stuck in a job he doesnt really enjoy, he gets no sleep so his work is suffering, he cant afford any holidays or to go out anymore so the fun that should come with your twenties has been taken away. He is now just a zombie that works, eats and looks after baby. All because his girlfriend wanted to keep it. Men are in the worst situation when this happens - they have a decision forced upon them by the woman, they get no say in it and they have to live with it. And if they dont want anything to do with the child - they are the bad guy and are hated by all friends and family. So the man HAS to stay, whether he wants to or not because it is the 'right' thing to do. Can you see how much this sucks for your boyfriend?As much as my friend loves his little girl, and he was incredibly happy when she was born - he stills maintains to this day he did not want this and it was not his choice to have her. It will never be ok with him that his life was taken away - yes you might say 'oh well it has changed for the better because the joy a child brings doesnt compare to anything else' - but that is nonsense. Yes a child brings joy - but they make life 100 times harder than it was before. So in this situation you are kinda screwed really. It all depends on how you feel about abortion/adoption/keeping it etc. You need to clarify 100% what your boyfriend wants - tell him that you are unsure about the whole pregnancy and would like to know truthfully how he feels and what he wants. You never know, he might just be shocked and may not want you to have an abortion. Or he might want you to - but you need to ask him outright what he wants. If you know he wants an abortion - the decision is then up to you. How do you feel about an abortion? Would you regret it? Would you be ok with it? How would you feel knowing you are raising a child your boyfriend doesnt want? Keep in mind the impact this will have on your relationship with your boyfriend - as in my friend's case, he (at one point during the pregnancy) pretty much hated his girlfriend for doing this to him and wanted to leave. He has lost a lot of respect for her and their relationship is probably only surviving because of the child, I dont think there is much love left anymore because of this. So be prepared that this could push your boyfriend too far and your relationship may suffer - and because you are not married, and your boyfriend will be under incredible pressure - be prepared that you may end up a single mother if you keep it. After all, you will have this baby this year, before he has finished uni. So he will have to deal with a baby under the age of 1 screaming most of the day and night so he will be massively sleep deprived. Add in the pressure of a final year at uni and final exams. Then add in the pressure of having no money because the baby is draining you financially. Then add the pressure of a hormonal girlfriend - not many men could cope with all of this. Final year of uni alone is enough to really stress most people out, never mind having a very young baby and no money. Plus the stress of finding a job after uni when the economy is still not great - you will really be pushing this poor guy to his limits. So in terms of moving forward - you need to clarify what he wants. At the moment you are only speculating whether he would prefer an abortion - you need to find out exactly what he wants and he needs to be 100% honest with you. Then the decision rests on your shoulders - at the end of the day it is your life and you need to do what is best for you. Only you know what you can and cannot live with, so once you have clarification from your boyfriend then you can make your final decision. As long as you believe in your decision and you are happy with it, and prepared for all the outcomes of that decision - then that is all you can do. In these situations you cant make everyone happy - chances are if you are happy your boyfriend wont be, and vice versa. So you have to come to the conclusion that is a compromise that suits you both in a way. As long as you have thoughts about this really carefully and have done the best you can then that is all anyone can ask. And as long as your boyfriend knows he has a voice in this and you have heard him out, then he cant resent you for that. I hope this helps and good luck!
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 April 2011): I think you should follow your BF's lead and not speak on the baby. Let him bring the baby up in conversation. This happened to me and I was like this at first but as time went on my apprehension lessened and lessened until it was gone. Then I saw my daughter and didn't know what I would do without her. It sounds like your BF loves you so I really think everything will be alright.
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female
reader, livelaughlove23 +, writes (12 April 2011):
Honey, you did make the right decision. It's a life-changing decision--but a good one. Relax. On the other hand, an abortion is a life changing decision, as well, for many reasons, I'm sure. I am anti-abortion, and first and foremost, I would like to congratulation you on your pregnancy, before I forget. Now, back to your question... this blessing (baby) is, indeed, going to change your life and your boyfriends life. He may be scared of the responsibility OR he just may not be ready for a child of his own. Either way, the baby is coming. Once he sees his baby, it will make all of the difference. You and him will both be ok. I hope he has a change of heart soon and I'm sure that he will...Like I said, it will be life-changing and sometimes that right there is enough to scare somebody, do you agree? Let me know what you think.....God bless.
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female
reader, themagentskie +, writes (12 April 2011):
 Worst comes to shove, consider adoption.
He may be indecisive now, but most men who don't plan stuff like this get distant. And they remain like this until they hit some sort of epiphany.
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