A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Looking for a male perspective; in the throes of a wonderful new relationship and I'm the happiest I've been for years. The emotional side of the relationship is perfect and the physical side the same. I'm very open-minded!! The only niggle I have is that on the odd night that I don't see my partner, he engages in porn - he is constantly looking at MILF or 'older' women (40+) and he often saves the downloads. I'm neither a mum and only 4 years older than him. Suggestions please on where to go with this??? I'm very aware that the women he has dated in the past have all had children but those relationships never worked out. He tells me that he is the happiest he has been in a very long time.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, LovelyLemon  +, writes (26 January 2012):
 I understand where you're coming from, I think. Not many women enjoy knowing that their guy is getting his rocks off by looking at other women, especially if you're sexually available and willing. Why does he need porn if he is attracted to you?
There is no good answer. Most men look at porn even if they are very happy with their partner. That isn't to discount women's responding feelings about it. You are definitely entitled to your feelings and should be able to talk to him about this. If it makes you feel insecure, I'm sure he will take your feelings into consideration.
Much love and Best wishes
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Do you not believe him that he’s the happiest he’s ever been? I’m technically a MILF but my kids are on the late side of 25…. So I get called COUGAR all the time… My fiancé is 13 years younger than I am but he loves his porn… young Asian women are his preference… I’m not young. I’m not Asian.. I’m old and battle scared and he’s happier than he has EVER been with me… Porn is just an outlet for him much like his MMO gaming…
So the question is what’s the actual problem here, that you need to be his one and only outlet? That porn is reprehensible to you? That your jealous of porn stars? That you think that not having kids and being too young is the issue?
Once we figure out EXACTLY what it is about his watching the type of porn (or is it porn in general) that bothers you we can figure out if we can fix it….
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): where to go with this? nowhere. it's not a relationship problem if you say that your relationship (both the emotional and physical) is perfect. it may be your personal problem to deal with on your own, but don't make it into his problem too by requiring him to be the one to change his ways and attitudes when maybe it should be you making the effort to change.
it doesn't sound like it's in any way imposing on your relationship or the way he treats you or relates to you. heck he only does it when you're not there, it's not like he's rubbing it in your face. This is your personal insecurity issue, which means it's your job to deal with it, not his.
how would you feel if he said to you: "I know that when we're not together you like to watch soap operas on TV. I have a real problem with you doing that, please don't do that anymore even when I'm not around."
so he looks at porn when you're not around, so what? it apparently doesn't negatively impact the way he treats you. If he's not making it into your problem, then you should not make it into his otherwise you're the one creating problems in the relationship because you want him to change so that you don't have to deal with your insecurity.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): It is not very clear what niggles you. Do you dislike porn in general or is it the type of women he enjoys watching that bothers you?
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 Moral outrage, not oral outrage. Typo.
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A
female
reader, Domolovescookies +, writes (24 January 2012):
 "Being attracted to older women with children does not mean he can only be happy with a woman who meets that description. "
To add to what Ciar said there
I actually envy you... i wish I could believe that getting older = looking more attractive in my boyfriends eyes lol
sorry to make light of the situation, but its what i honestly am thinking
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A
male
reader, The Realist +, writes (24 January 2012):
 I don't doubt that he is unhappy at all with you. Porn is just his fantasy alone time. It has nothing to do with you. Everyone is entitled to their alone time and unless the porn was directly impacting your relationship I don't see why it would be a problem. Although a few people have an issue with it most people can clearly distinguish between the relatioship and their fantasy time alone.
I do find it strange that you would even find this stuff considering it is a new relationship. I hope it isn't due to snooping.
Porn can be included in a healthy relationship. Maybe you could watch it with him and explore his fantasy with him.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (24 January 2012):
What exactly is your niggle with this? Is it oral outrage or are you assuming that because he watches 'MILF' porn that he somehow finds you less attractive?
You said you're happy. Your needs are being met. He says he's happy and from what you can tell he is, so there is really nowhere to go but forward.
Being attracted to older women with children does not mean he can only be happy with a woman who meets that description.
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