A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guy's I'm going to apologize before hand as on the education front I don't have much.Here's my story.. and why I have self diagnosed myself with social anxiety and depression.I started to realise I was different around the age of 13 I gained a lot of weight (got bullied because of ugliness also) which also made me a little bully sometimes and really didn't like myself at all(0 self confidence) I was introduced to video games (halo, call of duty, runescape) i would play these to no end for the next 3 years gaining more weight and failing school in grades and socially (never went out), i dropped out of school at the age of 16 in year 11 as i hardly attended anyway (i didn't take my exams)..For the next 1 - 2 years, I didn't really leave my house unless I had to this was when i was at my worse, I disrespected my family immensely i never cleared up after myself, was angry and rude, ignored everyone and somewhat was emotional detached from everything.Then I decided to lose some weight as I was fed up with being fat and hoping it could increase my confidence and get me out I shed about 60lbs, by that time a family holiday + family friends came around i had just enough confidence to go on it, on that holiday i made some friends with people who were on holiday with us, (My mums friends daughter).Now I'm 18 with some new friends and people in my life, although still with bad symptoms of social anxiety I refused to work as I knew I would fall and crumble, i couldn't ring up places, still missed appointments for things, if i thought i was over weight and generally scared of people still.. things got alot better though a few months later i was making even more friends and was going out once a week at least, sometimes not for a month a couple of times as i was still addicted to video games like crazy.. (it was my escape) and still wasn't cleaning up after myself but i wasn't as rude... just lazy as fuck.19 - 20, best time of my life so far going out a lot more! was going out at least weekly with my new friends! even a few times a week!, ok now i have hit 20 years old and have girlfriend, it really hit me that i needed a job I was still scared to hand out C.Vs because of my failure of education and non existent experience and to talk to people (i was on and off benefits for 2 years), but i got there eventually as my social skills improved and landed a poor weekend job (but you have to start somewhere right?), So now i have a job and a girlfriend everything's going great.... but wait? Depression hits me hard, i feel regret for everything I have ever done in my past, i realised I was and still am kind of emotionally cold towards people and rude (not as bad as it used to be) which is giving me great fear of being a sociopath! its just a downwards spiral of things ... the way i treated my mother was horrible and I still sometimes do although I'm helping her alot more now(well try to) things I'm not proud of either such as a porn addiction i used to have when i was a 14 - 19! i guess all teens do but mine got a bit extreme as i was sitting in all day and night, literally anything i would jack off to even to most disgusting things, (not illegal stuff i don't think so anyway) this led me into thinking i am a perverted fuck as these things turn me on ALSO another main one being I was on job seekers for 2 years on and off ....So here is my story... fucking up my teenage years and being the most horrible little shit towards my family during the social fear(6 years) has lead me deep deep into depression and everyone can notice it, I feel somewhat emotionless to love and everything nice as well.. which i guess carried on from years of sitting in doing nothing and hating constantly...(maybe violent video games aswell?) its like i fake it.. but I don't want to, please help i have reached rock bottom i have shared all my problems with you guys in hope of some help! will the way I grew up in these years effect me badly all my life? Also I cannot sleep at all because of this...thank you for reading :)other facts:I experienced my dads death when I was 2 - 3 but i don't think it has really effected me.My mother is the kindest person alive and a single mother with 3 kids.
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bullied, confidence, my ex, on holiday, porn, video games, violent Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): You seem like you are actually doing so well, you have pulled yourself out, started sorting out your life, and things are improving for you. That at least, you should be enormously proud of. Some people continue to stay in the same patterns that were making them miserable, but you have recognised you needed to change and you did. I think that is inspiratonal. Depression is serious though, and I think you would benefit a great deal from having someone to talk to, look for websites that offer advice specifically for depression, call up one of the hotlines, or make an appointment to have a chat with the doctor. Get yourself in a nice, healthy routine, keep a daily record of your thoughts/goals/day to day activities, and move forward so that you can start living the life you want to.
A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (24 January 2012):
 The only person that can turn this around is YOU! You have to fight for your right to a happy fulfilled life! Go to college and start some courses... throw away these games that are clearly sucking up all your time. Exercise tonnes (its helps with depression) and take magnesium supplements daily (they will help the anxiety)! You have to make up your mind that you are not a good space and do all you can to put it right. No-one says this is easy ... but its possible! You owe it to yourself not to mess up more years of your life! Please please fix it... and you will open yourself to a new world!!!! Good luck and big hugs xxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): I was too bullied at school and it really hurted my self esteem and my confidence and worst of all I have the most unsupportive family ever all my dad does is call me names and tell me and stupid now I have all emotional problems am going to see a doctor about my emotional problems I think am depressed . Anything can trigger off my emotions weather watching a soap worst of all I cant stand to see anyone happy because am unhappy. By the way does anybody know how I can sigh up for dear cupid I have tried countless when it asked me the spam question I answer it but the system think I have not even thought I have. Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2012): I believe the bullying started it all and that hasnt been resolved yet. I know someone who had very similar problems because of bullying. It totally knocked their confidence and ability to function properly for years. So if you could seek a good counsellor that specializes in bullying it would help you no end.
And maybe some counselling regarding the pornography would help you too. If you feel you plumbed the depths and it has left you with issues then do seek help. You will find a lot of counsellors trained in this field now. So have a look around for one if you feel it would benefit you.
You could beat yourself up over the past but its really a waste of time. Because you cant change the past. But you can change how you deal with it and thats the key here.
You arent cold, emotionless or detached. Read your own post. It is an eloquent post, full of remorse, sadness and regrets. You are not a cold, detached person, just one afraid to open up. You dont have to live like that. And you wont live like that once you have addressed the bullying issue.
How you treated your mother and family is behind you now. You see where you went wrong so make an effort not to repeat it now. Be a friend to your mum, talk to her. Apologize for how you were. She will forgive you. Mothers are brilliant and have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness. And keep in mind that she might also feel some guilt that you were left to live as you did for so long. We might have disagreed about this. But i would have thrown your pc in the trash can, asserted my authority and sorted things out with you, had i been in her shoes. Many of us have regrets about the past. Acceptance and change are the only ways forward. So try to pick yourself up, seek some counselling and get busy fixing things.
And one last thing. I have a sneaky suspicion that you are actually a very intelligent person. Education doesnt end at 16! Many of us twice your age and more are still taking courses and educationally improving ourselves. So look into evening classes or college courses and contemplate continuing your education. I think that would improve your confidence and career prospects.
You are stronger than you know and can do anything you want. So i hope you set goals soon and make the changes needed to enrich your life. All the best to you.
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A
male
reader, Steelhawk65  +, writes (24 January 2012):
 This sounds almost EXACTLY like me. I'm currently 16, never go out with friends because I just feel out of place I guess, or I'd rather just no-life runescape or COD (doctors had some dumbass explanation that but whatever). Except I have no plans for dropping out of school, which I'm doing horrible in. I also get made fun of for my weight (I'm 5'10" and only 110 pounds, basically a stick.)
Anyway, doctors tell me I'm severely depressed. Which I think you've been since your early teens if what they tell me is correct. But there's really not much you can do to change the past. I'm sure your family will forgive you, just talk to your mother about everything that was going on and tell her that you love her very much, and are very grateful that she was so patient with your attitude and what not.
And I know where your coming from with the being a little shit part.. Just last weekend my mom asked me why I wasn't at the dance my school was having and she was telling me I need to stop wasting my life on the computer and such, so I basically told her off. It kills me and I don't know why I do it. The truth hurts I guess.
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A
female
reader, Domolovescookies +, writes (24 January 2012):
 If you havent gotten your GED yet, you need to sign up for classes. No matter how much school u skipped, you are at your smartest (book wise) right now. You will forget even how to add eventually .... and you will regret not doing it eventually.With your GED you will be free to pursue college or a better job, both of these would make you more independent. And they would add to your self confidence!!Ask yourself where you would like to be in 10 years. At home with your mom? (thats totally cool if its honestly what u want) You should try to go out of your way to give your mom a card or something... maybe some flowers, and let her know how much you love her and APPRECIATE her... moms tend to feel unappreciated.Also, it sounds like you've done great with your weight loss goals, KEEP THAT UP ... not because of what people thinkbut because no matter what we say to ourselves, we care what people think, and therefore you are doing it for YOUGetting to your weight goal would boost your self confidence more.and please... Believe in yourself. I'm not sure if you do... but you gotta. Thats the first step out of a hole you dug yourself. Believing you can change, and deciding that you must, that means you are already half way there.Goodluck 3you can pm me if you'd like... you remind me of a very close friend....
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