A
male
age
36-40,
saltwater
writes:Out of curiosity, I was recently browsing through the advice I had given in the past 9 odd months I've been on this website. What struck me is how much "stern" I seem to be when giving advice to teenagers under 18 about sex. I frequently advise them along the lines of "you shouldn't be thinking of having sex" or "sex will be a horrendous when you're 13-17 so don't do it". And it's further ironic that, in the UK at least, even when sex becomes fully legal at 16, I still advise heavily against it. Is this the right advice? I'm certainly not alone in giving advice like that, and yet for a good proportion I bet, advising teenagers not to engage in sexual activities is being completely hypocritical; and probably for some, a bad sexual encounter in their teens is precisely the reason why they advise against teenage sex. "You can't be old and wise if you've never been young and foolish" goes a saying...so should we let teenagers have foolish experiences and grow wise from the experience? Shouldn't we all find things out for ourselves; be they foolish or otherwise? Because in addition to the people who say their first time was bad, there are others who have posted here who say a bad first sexual experience in their teens actually made them more cautious and better prepared for sex the next time...is this a bad thing? Certainly, there are questions on this site from virgins who are in their 20's, 30's or more, and who are extremely nervous about their first sexual encounter, and who seem to get more nervous and apprehensive each passing day. Granted, it won't be all, but I'm certain that for a significant majority, in your teens fears like this are virtually non-existent; you can't wait to have your first sexual encounter. I was in this camp. And even though most of us can deduce that, either via experience or common sense, teenage sex will be extremely clumsy at best, does it actually remove a weight from a teens' shoulders going forward in life? Can they proceed in their sexual life, to borrow an aunts name, with "eyes wide open"? Do I continue to advise against teenage sex as I've always done? Or do I start advising teenagers they attempt sex as long as they're safe, even if it's underage? Do we judge which teenager will be sensible and then give advice accordingly? After all, there are sensible teenagers out there. And if we do deem them sensible, do we then advise sex, as long as it's safe? But how are we going to deem that teenager sensible? Because they posted the question with correct spelling and grammar? Instinct? Do we treat the teenagers who are 18 and 19 as the technical adults that they are and advise sex if they feel ready? But then who are we to say that someone at 15 couldn't be ready? Or do we simply tarnish every teen from 13 to 19 with the same brush and advise against all sex related activity full stop? I'm sure everyone did foolish things when they were a teenager, be they sexually related or otherwise...I sure did! So why do the majority of us constantly tell teenagers to be sensible when it's usually blatant hypocrisy? Shouldn't being a teenager be about exploring new things and following urges? Shouldn't it be about experiencing things on your own and growing wise from the bad ones? That was my experience. Shouldn't it be the same for every teen? Nick
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 March 2009): im about to be 16, and my boyfriend is about to be 19 in a 2 months, so i personaly understand. i acutally am about to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time next week, but we have both talked about sex and how we r going to be safe, and the fact that he has no STD's cuz he has not be sexually active since a little before he met me, and during r realtionship he took a blood test. so me personally, we r very well educated sexual, since we r going to use protection, so just cuz some teens r lost in this subject, it doesnt mean all of us r lost!!!
A
female
reader, Katy. +, writes (23 March 2009):
 i found your article interesting as i am only 15 and had my first time sex with my boyfriend only a few months ago. yet i do understand where adults are coming from when they are against the idea of underage sex, the majority of teenagers are irresponsible, therefor that is why we all get pre-judged by so many people and tbh, its something i have learnt to live with even though i'm probably one of the most responsible teenagers you will ever meet.I remember when me and my boyfriend were speaking about sex and i came on this site for abit of advice and all i did really seem to get was people misjudging me and telling me not to do it, yet i've been wih my boyfriend for a year and a half now and i wouldn't regret one single minute with him and deffinatley not my first time sex with him.Maybe if you don't so advise against the idea of sex yet let them know about what a big step it is, how important it is to know about all the precautions and that it is something deffinatley not to be rushed. At the end of the day your going to get through to alot more people like me if you do rather than advising completley against it; afterall it didn't stop me.but thats just my opinion on the matter.
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A
female
reader, LilPixie +, writes (20 March 2009):
 Well I'm only 17, but I can see where you're coming from and I do agree.
But it doesn't always have to be a bad experience to have sex as a teenager.
I lost my virginty to my boyfriend of 2 months about 2 weeks ago, yes it hurt, but he was gentle and took it slow, I really couldn't have asked for anything better.
I think it is possible to tell how mature a teenager is by their spelling and grammar, I mean there's even some adults here that can't even spell properly.
I have to agree with ArmyMedic, although a GCSE in sexual health may take it a bit far, it's not such a bad idea, maybe that would ensure that we know everything that we need to know about sex. I think one of the main reasons a lot of teens come on here is because they haven't had proper sex education - I only ever had 1 day of sex education at school!
All we can do is tell the posters our honest opinion, and inform them of what we know.
Hmm, I can't even remember what point I wanted to make, so I guess I better stop before I start blabbering on again.
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A
male
reader, valleyplayer131  +, writes (18 March 2009):
I agree strongly with you arguement however even though we may tell teenagers to not have sex or to have sex they are still going to listen to there own thoughts not what we say yes we can sway there actions with are words but we cant move the world with a pinky once said bye my father we must expect the worst and hope for the best
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A
male
reader, ArmyMedic +, writes (16 March 2009):
 I have found myself asking the same questions, but having lots of 17-22 year old soldiers to look after, working in A&E departments and NHS Ambulances, I have realised how immature teenagers are on this subject, and not to forget how stupid I was at that age.
If I had my way, you'd have to have a GCSE in sexual health before being able to go dating! Some teens are more mature than others, but surely we have a duty of care to the people we are advising, and I hate to say it but we should take the worst case scenario into consideration, there fore advising against make rash choices, where as evidence on this site has proven that often the people we advise against having sex do it anyway, end up with an STI or worse Pregnant, and then the boyfriend leaves them.
I agree with all your points, but look at who is writing the majority of these questions you can normally tell, if it is a mature 13-15 year old enquiring about sex, or an immature 17 year old with no sexual education asking "how do I finger my girlfriend?"
It is a moral dilemma how we advise these young people but the most important thing to me is that it is safe, legal and consenting.
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