A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi,I have a question that I really need some help with. I have been with my boyfriend for over two years now and we have had an amazing time. We had a split about a year into the relationship as we were both un-happy and needed a break. About 3 months later we were back together and stronger than ever.But we went through a rough patch. We both slept with people while we wern't together, but decided we could put the past behind us. The only problem was I told him about what I had done, whereas he lied to me and said he hadnt been near anyone els, i found out which hurt alot. So we carried on with our relationship and I thought everything was okay. But about 1 month ago I found out he had cheated on me and slept with someone when on a drunken night out with his friends. I had heard a rumour and confronted him a while back but he convinced me it wasnt true, and I unfortunatly trusted him.So I finally managed to find out it was true, and he carried on lying and denying everything for days and days but then finally he admitted it. I now have major trust issues, im heartbroken and tearing my hair out thinking why he did it, am I not good enough etc etc. I think I could have accepted what he had done if he was honest. But he carried on lying so how could i ever forgive him and trust him? There have been a few things such as texting other girls, and he still lied when I found out about that aswell. Do i try and forgive him? I'm not with him at the moment but I really really want him back. I know he wants me back to, he has been trying so hard and has been so sorry for what he has done....but is sorry enough?I really love him and I want him to be the one to make me happy for the rest of my life, to get married and have kids. He told me this is what he wants and it was just a stupid mistake. But surley if you love someone you wouldnt want to do anything like that in the first place?The main issue is the lies. I need to trust him, could I ever trust him again? Or should I call it a day and relise things are never going to work out for us.Thank you for your advise,Sophiex
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female
reader, nana728  +, writes (22 April 2009):
Hi sophie, i m in a similar situation and its very difficult to rely on other people's advice. Ultimately it is you that will have to live with the guy and its your decision on what you can accept or not. If you are able to put the betrayal than I would of course make up. To build trust again is definitaly not an easy task and it will take time and patience from his side. He would have to be ready to support you and show you that he is really worth the effort you are making to forgive him and move on. I recently found out that my boyfriend was cheating behind my back ..nothing sexual but still. I confronted him when i found an email and he promised that the correspondence had only started a few weeks earlier. I asked him to come clean and he kept insisting on his first version of the story. After 2 months of me searching for the truth he admitted that he had been in touch with her for 4 months. I was devastated and still am in shock and working on building my trust again. The easy way out is to break up and start afresh with someone else but i know that i would miss our nice amazing moments. Besides what guarantee do you or I have that the next man we meet will not do the same? So if you really love your partner then you should give it your best shot to work it out...it could turn out to be the reason to make your relationship a very strong one. If you both manage to overcome this you will come out of it a much stronger couple than you were before all this and it would take a hell of a lot for anything to come between you. We all grow from our mistakes.. Furthermore a betrayal is the "itch to a rash" which means that there could have been a cause to why he "cheated" on you. I understand that you would have expected him to he honest to you when you requested the truth but the reason for him not being honest could have been related to him being scared to lose you. No decisions are clear cut! we are complex human beings and as long as we are human we will continue to make mistakes and hurt each other. Good luck!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2009): So you want to marry someone who lies to you and sleeps around? I guess not which is why you posted. I personally would call him on it (that's call as in an ultimatum- not as in phone...)
I think you have to say to him, "look you and I have great future and I love you very much and you love me" Then when he replies Say" And trust is an important part of this " he has to say yes, so the next thing to say is "ok this is your last chance - do you flirt over the phone \ text with other women?" Then move up a gear - "Have you slept with anyone else?" You could tell him you will forgive him if he did so long as he tells you now...tonight, but not afterwards. This is his one time to honest with you.
- if he denies it all then say ok - but if anything happens its game over for us.
hope that helps,
Star.x.
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