A
female
age
36-40,
*erryBlack
writes:I am 23 and have been married for only a year and a half. I knew when I married my husband that I wasn't very sexually attracted to him but loved him and knew he would be a great husband. We didn't have sex until we were married and I thought, no matter what it's like we'll work at it. But I still don't feel chemistry with him and have found myself fantasizing over the last year about breaking up, or being single, or him cheating on me and leaving me and how I wish he would! Terrible things! I take Marriage very seriously and have the belief that, you make your vows, you stick to them, no matter what.But I recently met someone. And Sparks flew as soon as we set eyes on each other. We became friends and got along perfectly. Same interests, humor, ideas, not to mention the almost uncontrollable chemistry between us. We ended up so badly wanting to be together that we had to decide never to see each other again because obviously I'm married!It broke my heart to say goodbye even though we never acted on our feelings. And made me realize what an incredible part of life and love I'm missing with my husband. And it was never there to begin with. How do I deal with this pain? Get over and past it? I want to be with someone else. But I wont and can't. I told my husband what was missing, not about this guy, but about how i was feeling. He was so hurt but we're going to try and make it better. We are 100% committed. But I feel hopeless. How can I feel something with my husband that i never have before but am afraid I can't live without?????
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2009): I am only 20 years old and I can tell you this I have learned a lot about "love" and/or relationships in my life. I have experienced love chemistry hurt pain ect. I have experienced the best of the best and the worst of the worst relationships. anything you can imagine I have more than likely been through. I have also experienced love through my parents, family and friedns relationships too. I respect that you are faithful and that you are dedicated to your husband. but one thing I can tell you is that you can not force "love" or "chemistry" its something that just happens naturally. No one person can help who they are attracted to or who they fall in love with. In my beleife you can not truely be in love with someone unless you truely love every part of the person. I think that maybe you should rethink your attraction, love, feelings ect for your husband. you should not spend so much time on trying to become attracted to him like that when it should be something that comes natrually. I am sorry your going through this and i hope for the best for you.
A
female
reader, TerryBlack +, writes (18 September 2009):
TerryBlack is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you Anon female!! Your advice is great. I do agree with everything you've said. It would be great to spend more time together and be able to improve things. The issue is how!! I have talked to my husband about this a lot. We've been discussing it loads this week. I'm not sure that it's in my head. It's a real issue we are trying to work through together. And have sought councelling, starting next week.The problem is that I used to be able to 'pretend' that I was enjoying being with him, pretend that I enjoyed sex, pretend that I wanted to kiss and force myself to do the things that would and should foster some closeness. But now I JUST can't, and now he always asks, "how are you feeling now? Did you enjoy that or not? Do you want to kiss me or not?" And I can't hide my true feelings. Sometimes when he kisses me or touches me I can feel myself tighten, I can feel my face screwing up. I NEED to spend more time with him and start doing the things that should help, but I WANT to avoid him. Not because he's done anything wrong, he's a wonderful wonderful person. But when spending time with him means, sexual/physical advances from a man I don't want touching me, It's SO hard not to be selfish and simply do what makes ME happy. What should I do? Should I suggest that we agree not to be sexual for a week and just spend time together to let things grow? Should I literally grin and bare it? I've tried thinking positively about him, which isn't hard, there are lots of awesome things about him, but none of those things seem to be causing me to feel in love or attracted to him sexually. Where to next?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2009): First off I think it's great that you want to focus on your marriage. Having an affair wouldn't solve any of your marriage problems, it would only make them worse, so you are very smart! Focus on the marriage, then if it doesnt work, start new relationships only when the marriage (current relationship) is ended.I do not doubt that the reason you felt sparks flying with the new encounter was because you are missing that side from your husband. If your husband and you had great chemistry, no matter how much chemistry you had with other men; you wouldn't have desired anyone else. So rest assured that if you are able to work things out with your husband, you will not be missing out on anything!Second advice: dont get pregnant. Pregnancy involves so much, and by the sounds of it it would only add extra stress and worries on your behalf. Take one step at a time: your husband and the problems you have first!Talk to him. Try new things. Bond. There is a reason why you chose your husband to marry. Remember those reasons, let him know. Give a lot of yourself and maybe you will get enough back in return to discover a whole new side of your man. Specially explore more in the bedroom. Who knows, suddenly you might hit the right spot where both of you feel great, and you will feel more comfortable with him.Last advice: dont make a drama where there is none. Your husband doesnt seem to even be aware that much of your situation, which suggests that maybe its more in your head then it is in the real world. If you suspect that: get active and enjoy your life! Once you are happy with yourself, you can be happy about your marriage too. If you are generally unhappy, your marriage will be unhappy as well. Best of luck and hope I made any sense.
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A
female
reader, TerryBlack +, writes (14 September 2009):
TerryBlack is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo I'm not in contact with the guy I have feelings for. He's out of the picture. I want to focus on my marriage and give it 100% effort. It would be amazing if I could fall in love with my husband to a greater degree than I did at the start.
I wouldn't feel devastated if he left me because I'm not in love with him. But I would miss his friendship and forever hate that my marriage had failed.
Thank you all so much for your advice.
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A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003  +, writes (14 September 2009):
 I have to say that 99 percent of all sex and intimacy is in a person's head.
It seems like you're doing the sensible thing about talking to your husband and telling him what you need out of the marriage.
I think you're split between a good man and a guy that just gives you what you want.
The problem I see here is that you and your husband have to be more emotionally connected, similar to how you felt with this other guy. When the connection's made, that's where the attraction begins.
Its unbelievable in this day and age that you'd have waited till after marriage to have sex with your husband. He must've been extremely patient and loves you very much. This tells me that he'd probably do whatever it takes to fulfill your needs.
But if you're thinking the grass is greener, think twice. Say you find this guy you almost had a physical (rather than emotional) affair with. And you went with him. What if he turned out to be a total moron in every other respect? What if he ended up cheating on you?
I think your decision to try and make your marriage work out is a basically sound decision. It makes sense.
What you should do is start stirring up some passions with your husband. Take up hobbies together, and do things that you both really enjoy. When you find that common passion, it carries over into the bedroom very nicely.
Part of the thing here is that you just need to make that emotional connection and it seems like its almost there for you. Maybe a little adjustment here and there in your thinking and your husband's might do you well.
As far as being on this earth and not making yourself happy, that's wrong. People exist and everyone in this world is entitled to seek out and find happiness. But in the process, if you and your husband finally make that chemistry work, which I think you will (as you're pretty determined), things will improve over time.
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A
male
reader, RobL +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Hey again,Once again, I'm not the best one to give advice regarding this situation, however a part of me believes that some romantic gestures may be in order. You love him, right? There may not be unimagineable chemistry, but if there's love, there's plenty of hope yet!It may seem bizarre, seeing as you're the one who doesn't feel the chemistry, but perhaps if you perform a romantic gesture towards him, he might think, hang on a minute, maybe I should do something in return, and if he gets it right, that might add chemistry between you.This is of course assuming that kind of thing isn't already being done, it might be, I don't know, but if it's not, it's gotta be worth a try, right? :)Once again, I apologise if this isn't helpful for you, I'm really just throwing ideas around, perhaps someone else could transform them into something better than I could offer ^_^One more thing, if your husband were to leave you, would that make you feel just as bad as if you left him? Because I'm inclined to agree with alysha, it sounds like you *want* him to walk away from this relationship.~Rob
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A
female
reader, TerryBlack +, writes (14 September 2009):
TerryBlack is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right. I want out of the relationship, in this present moment. But I'm smart enough to know it's just a feeling. And feelings are fleeting. It most probably would be a huge mistake to leave!! I've already had some terrible advice. One friend told me to leave him and follow my heart. I wont be asking her again!
This all came to a head this week. So my feelings are fresh and overwhelming. I'm trying to remember all the reasons I married him. And although chemistry wasn't one of them, maybe it will be in the future.
I miss the guy I've fallen for soooo much, but have managed to steer clear of and not talk to him at all. So I'm hoping those feelings will fade soon as they're killing me.
In my heart, I know I wont leave my husband. The shame would be unbearable. I would feel like a totally different person. I have to make it work. What can I do to start seeing him in a new light??
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A
male
reader, kargsbarg +, writes (14 September 2009):
i'll try not to b repetitive but forgive me if i do so.
u made mature decision it seems when marrying him, meaning all the right reasons (?) not the passionate one(s). yet we know what u mean when it comes to the longing for that lustful, romantic, however u wish to describe it feeling u felt for that other person, and or thoughts (for other fantasy guys?). you are better than 75-90% of us for not giving in to that temptative emotion! i applaud u sincerely!
unless your fella has let himself go (fat, balding, no style....u know...) u know u r doing the right thing here.
i suggest u find out what sexually pleases him w/ some new
experimentation, and ask for same in return. sex can be many things but doesnt always have to be some major fireworks. for as u get older the intimacy of it is more important and what truly lasts (longer/better). i think when u share the give n take w/ experimentations, u'll be satisfied all around.
also, i wouldnt stay in touch w/ anyone who stirs up my passions, like that guy u mentioned cause that already was an emotional affair of sorts, since u revealed your feelngs to one another fire-fire-fire, tsk tsk tsk.
are u keeping him on hold, as a trump card just in case it dont work out w/ yer hubby??? hmmmm...only u know.
make wise decision here too.
i pray for your best, to u and hubby, cause marriage deserves it, as it is Gods plan (man just mucks it up too often, it seems....sigh)----3 Kb
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A
female
reader, TerryBlack +, writes (14 September 2009):
TerryBlack is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou're right to say I shouldn't blame him. He hasn't done a thing wrong. I'm the one who's feelings have changed. But there are things he can do to help. I'm just scared there will never be enough chemistry for me to be happy long term. I wouldn't leave. I would just live with it.I'm not on this planet to do whatever makes me happy. I know that. Though I'm not sure he would want to stay with someone who wasn't attracted to him. He did say if it didn't improve he would leave me. So perhaps he couldn't bare it??
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A
female
reader, TerryBlack +, writes (14 September 2009):
TerryBlack is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks so much guys! It helps to talk about it. Rob you are right that it probably wasn't fair to have married or not talked to him knowing I didn't feel the same spark that he did. But the love was there. And I knew that that's what would see us through. I seemed to have forgotten that I'm so young and need and want chemistry!
And to the female, when the other person was out of your life did you forget how much you wanted the chemistry? Does the desire for the spark go away and the confidence in your husband come back? Or is it always in your mind, that you're missing out? That you want more?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): I really feel for you, because you are obviously very committed to staying married, I really admire that.
I had a similar experience at about the same point in my marriage. I really loved my husband but didn't have the fireworks that I found with a colleague. I had a couple of years when I really doubted our future. I would spend a lot of time going out with friends and built up a very close friendship with this colleague. Thankfully we never did anything physically, although we did tell each other some of our feelings. Anyway we both moved to different jobs and are still in touch, but in a more platonic way. Anyway I think my husband and I have become a lot closer since starting to do more together and having shared interests. We now have a child and that has also brought us closer together (not that I would recommend having a child just to save your marriage - I waited until I had got over my doubts first).
So try and find some common ground and really work at enjoying your time together. It's good that you have tried to talk about it. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, RobL +, writes (14 September 2009):
Hey,
I don't mean to be rude, please don't take this that way, but if your husband does not have all the things you want, why did you marry him in the first place? If he doesn't have what you want, I wouldn't have thought it's possible that you two will live happily for the rest of your lives.
That said, I do admire your commitment, not cheating on him was a brilliant decision, and deserves respect.
If your husband can change to give you what you want, then maybe you'll feel for him what you felt for this other man, but is it really fair to try to change a person to be what you want him to be? I'm not so sure.
I think, in short, if you two don't feel the chemistry you think you should, the relationship probably won't work how you would've wanted it to, but you can always try new things, experiment, see if you can get a spark into it, it might work wonders.
I would, however, wait for someone with more experience to answer, I'm really not the best person to be responding to this, but those are just my thoughts. I hope they go some way to helping you :)
~Rob
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