A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My husband and I have brought other people into the bedroom before. Only 2 times have we had this experience. I was uncomfortable with it but Im trying to please my husband who enjoys it. We have rules, no kissing on the mouth and no sexual intercourse but everything else is fair game. Ive spoke to my husband about the way I feel and he says he wont bring it up again but time goes by and he says he really likes it. Do I try it again or do I tell him no again? Im emotionally torn on what I should do. One minute I feel like I should give in and try it.... and the next I feel like Im not enough. He tells me that it turns him on when he watches me, not the others involved. So what do I do? please help.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (14 September 2009):
 It sounds like to me that you above all want to please your husband. And that is a good thing. However, it is ok to have some boundaries and limitations to what you feel comfortable with and what you don't.
Obviously you don't really want to do the swing thing, but you sense of wanting to please is battling with your conscience.
Why don't you and your husband stick to "just" the two of you - do some fun role play, dress up, some little floor show for each other? You might find something he will enjoy as much as you.
Sex should be about mutual enjoyment.
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Swinging is something two people have to enjoy doing together as a couple. If you're willing to accept others into your sex play, then its fine.
But in your case, its not something that you really like. One of the things in a marriage is intimacy and sex is definitely a big part of that. What I see here is that he enjoys watching you interact sexually with other people. This makes him a voyeur of some kind. But to me, just offering up your body to strangers in your marriage to entertain your husband, is not intimacy, its the exact opposite.
You need to sit down with him and explain to him that the two times you tried this, you were willing to go with it for him because you love him. But that its disturbing and hurting you and you don't enjoy it.
The best way to handle it is that he has to know that you enjoy sex with him, not other people and that he's the one you're married to and not a bunch of other people. Though its exciting to him to swing with other people and couples, its not intimacy the way you enjoy it.
This is sort of an odd situation for many people, but when a guy does this, basically out of the norm, and he's never been in a swinging community before, the lines get blurred.
Swingers have a different mentality. They have their own personal, intimate sex lives and then they have what amounts to a sexual hobby, which best describes this.
If you're not into that lifestyle, trying to get you to enjoy it is going to be impossible, and from what you've written its painful to you, and you don't want to do it anymore.
So your best bet is to tell him "no" and the reasons why. Either he's willing to accept the limits you're going to place on your marriage and sex life, or he's not. And if not, this could be something else going on with him that you need to get to and find out more about.
If he's still insistent, then maybe try counseling so that you can find out why this is so important to him, enough to hurt you over it.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (14 September 2009):
 Hey there, sweetness. I agree with Samantha, it really sounds like to me that you don't enjoy this and you don't want to repeat the experience. It sounds like you just don't want to bum out your husband, and that's not a good enough reason to compromise your comfort and boundaries! So bring it up and say that you're glad you got to give him that experience, but that you don't want to do it anymore. He ought to respect that and not make you feel bad about speaking up.
Then, I think that a little creativity is what you need. Why not bring in some pornography (to simulate other people in the bedroom with you), or if he enjoys watching you, why not bring a mirror into the bedroom so that he can watch as you two have sex? I think he'll appreciate the sexy efforts and perhaps your initiative and sexual thinking/creativity will turn him on more than throwing an additional person into the mix? Have fun brainstorming, maybe you and your husband can both write lists of things you'd like to experiment and try. You can both veto things on the list, but keep an open mind and find some new things (not people) to bring into the bedroom! Maybe you'll find some other fantasies he's got that you feel comfortable exploring and maybe he'll find out some naughty secrets about you too that excite him.
You're plenty enough!! No worries! Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2009): After reading your question, it sounds to me like you really do not like the idea of trying this again. So I would say no, don't do it if you are not comfortable with it.
I know it might be hard, to tell this to your husband, especially as he seems to enjoy bringing other people into the bedroom. But if you go along with it to please him, you will be unhappy. And in the long run, that's not good for any marriage, is it?
Even if he is disappointed, I think he should try and respect your feelings about this. You gave it a try, and you didn't feel comfortable with it. I'm sure if the situation was reversed, he wouldn't like to be pressured into anything.
So I would recommend telling him. This marriage is about both of you, so if one of you is not happy with something, the other should respect that. I hope he listens to what you say and drops the subject. Good luck. x
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