A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi there,So, I dated a guy almost year ago after he moved here to start school. I found out after we had been together for a year that he still had a girlfriend back home. We broke up, but remained friends. It has been 11 months, and we are still EXTREMELY close. There have been moments where it seemed we would get together, but I always held back as I think that at this point I deserve more than a "Friends With Benefits" situation. Lately, I've noticed a change in him. He has been more attentive, calling and texting throughout the day....just being wonderful. He has given me a substantial amount of money for school as I got sick and was unable to work....it's just like the guy I fell in love with. Today he called me, he broke down crying. He said he really wants to be with me and misses me, but he just can't get out of the situation back home. He doesn't know when he will be able to and therefore feels badly about being around me or leaning on me for anything because of his feelings for me. I'm not sure how to respond to this other than to say that he is, and always will be important to me. I did tell him that and he said that I didn't understand, that me being so good to him is just not something he can handle. He doesn't want us not to be friends. He still wants us to talk every day....I think he is lonely and just stuck. He doesn't want to make the same mistake again with me, or anyone else, or start a new relationship when he can't get away from the other one. I have tried, very hesitantly, to get him to tell me about the situation; why he is stuck? but he won't talk about it. I don't feel that it's appropriate for me to ask too much or to push, even though I just want to help. I was debating telling him, lets just start over...let whatever happens happen. But I don't think that is the right thing to do. I know I love him. I know he loves me (even my parents and friends say it's obvious he does despite the other woman). I just don't know what to do. Any ideas? I have tried moving on. I have tried dating, not talking to him, not seeing him, but I really do love him....
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, some more stuff has happened which has me even more confused than before.....Sorry for the length of this post btw....
First I should mention, with regard to the other woman, she is away at school in a separate country from where he and I live. They are originally from the same town, but he only goes home for the major holidays, and from what I gather, I don't think she has been going home at all except for when school is out for the year b/c of the cost of flying back and forth.
Anyway, a couple days after telling me he was stuck, he had to go out of town for a conference. As I mentioned, I have been off work very sick since May, and he knows how I feel about being cooped up in the house. He offered me the use of his apartment while he was away and gave me the keys. I didn't accept at first b/c I really don't want to be more confused about things, but after his insistence I finally took him up on his offer. Part of the reason that I hesitated is b/c he is a VERY private person, had some issues with a couple of women in the past, and his trust level is pretty low. The only other time he lent me the keys to his apartment was a year ago when we were still dating. I made sure then, as I did now, not to disturb anything. But, like I said he tends to be very private, and wouldn't give the keys to just anyone. So, that started me wondering....
The second thing that happened was that today was my birthday. He waited until 12:01 in the morning to call me and wish me happy bday. He also called first thing when he got up, and insisted again on giving me my present tonight. I had suggested that we wait until the weekend since I knew he was tired and not feeling well, but he said that if I didn't come get my present, he would come over and give it to me. I went over, he had a pile of very thoughtful things for me, and insisted that we sit and talk even though he was blatantly not well and was running a fever.
Finally, he already made plans with me for the weekend. Just last week he was saying that it was too hard for him to see me too often b/c while he feels wonderful when we are together he misses me a lot when I leave, and the sexual tension drives him nuts. Plus, since he is "stuck" it's hard b/c he can't express himself they way he wants to.
So, I am confused b/c he seems to be contradicting everything he has said about not wanting to spend time with me b/c of his situation. He has always been very considerate with everyone, which is why almost every woman he knows is in love with him, but this is a lot even for him.
I am wondering if anybody else thinks that this is more than just friendship? Also, I WILL NOT get involved with him if he is still "stuck", I'm just not sure how to go about handling this situation.
The last time I saw him, we were watching a movie, and he ended up just putting his arms around me. The minute he did, we both just sighed, and all the tension left our bodies. We didn't even watch the movie, we just talked....it feel good/right to be with him, and he is really a wonderful person. It's just a stupid messy situation.
A
female
reader, soloved89  +, writes (13 November 2009):
I agree with Plexi-- it seems that he just wants to be with you just because you are in the same location as the school he wants to attend, but on the other hand he wants to keep the relationship that he already has with the other lady.
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A
female
reader, Plexi +, writes (12 November 2009):
 Sweetie, I'm going to be honest with you.......
Sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. of course he doesn't want to end the relationship back home, he wants someone there and where you are. He is selfish to you both and using you. You seem ok with that because you are enjoying the financial contribution...........how does that make you feel? exchanging love/sex for money?
he is being sweet and attentive because he doesn't want to lose the boat( you) in case the ship (the other woman) sinks
TELL HIM TO GET LOST and find yourself another sweet guy, there are lots of men who aren't 2 timmers, the ones who cheat will continue to do so until we speak up and tell them no more..........i'm outta here"
Good luck hun, you deserve so much better!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): Thank u all for your answers!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (11 November 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you CaringGuy.
You're right, if he really loved me, he would have said from the very beginning, when I found out a year ago, that he would end things and we would move forward.
Like I said, I don't know what the situation is back home, and how or why he is stuck, but I can't think of any situation where you can't break up with someone. Even if there is a child involved (I don't think that's the case), that doesn't mean that you have to stay together.
Anyway, it will be his loss, and I will continue to try and move forward.
Thank you!
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (11 November 2009):
 Yep, sounds like the classic "I'll leave my wife/girlfriend for you as soon as the time is right" situation, tho that time only comes when he gets dumped and wants someone to fall back onto. Dump this fool. If he can lie to you for a year, how can you trust anything he says. You deserve better.Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (11 November 2009):
Well as a male I can give this to you straight. If he really loved you, he would dump her and be with you. Simple as that. As it is, I'd say he's either after sex and nothing more, or he's so confused that he's useless boyfriend material at the moment. So keep trying to move on. Don't ever be used, and don't be someone's toy when there is a guy out there who can love you and you only.
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