A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Has anybody ever gone through this, or at least seen it happening before? I have what I would call a normally very sweet guy. My family love him and my friends always tell me how lucky I am, and wish they could meet someone like him. They ask why we are not married yet.What they are not seeing, is the constant heated arguments we have been having for two years, due to him joining dating sites and exchanging sexual texts and emails with girls. It is now at the point where I am joining these dating sites myself, just so I can catch him. Having done that, he has also sometimes been very careless at hiding it. When I do catch him its even worse, because he either yells at me, calls me paranoid, says I need psychiatric help and makes out that I am nagging and mentally torturing him. He has in the past, when caught, accused me of joining dating sites, cheating, finding other men sexually attractive, has called me abusive and once he called me a nosey bitch. He knows what I have seen several times, he knows that I know he lies about it. Not once has he shown any sign of caring how I feel about it. I sometimes think he believes his own lies. The only thing I have yet to see evidence of, is him going to meet any of them in person, but I have seen texts on another of his hidden phones suggesting it.Is there such thing as addiction? Could it somehow not be his fault? We are both in our mid thirties and surely at that age, most of us know the difference between right and wrong?
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female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (16 September 2013):
 Well done, you have done the right thing.
You have to do one final hard decision - cut him out of your life. If you know he is capable of talking you round, then you need to remove that risk. So delete his number, delete him on Facebook, delete his email address etc. If he tries to call you, then call your mobile phone service provider (Vodafone, O2 etc) and give them his number and ask it to be blocked, so he cant call you again.
I know this is hard, but if you want this to be final and to eventually move on and be happy again he needs to be out of your life for good. No contact is the only way to do this.
Good luck and stay strong x
A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (15 September 2013):
 Well done, OP. The best way to keep it finished is to go No Contact. Stop all communication now, be it text, email, whatever. Don't let mutual friends convey messages. Stay strong x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you everyone. I have ended our relationship, and his response to it was, "seeing as I have found him guilty, he may as well go on them then, as we are not together any more." I am not going to go out of my way to prove what I have seen, only to be met by even more lies and bullshit.It kind of says everything really. The aim is now, to stay finished, and not to let him talk me round again.Once again, thank you.
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A
female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (15 September 2013):
 I've been in the same situation as you... my boyfriend joined dating sites, and gradually I noticed the messages he got through, the texts, the little notifications of his phone...Looking at the way he's treated you, I'd say he's taking advantage of the fact that you didn't blow him off the first time you found out what he was doing... he realizes that he'll get away with it.Signs of an abusive partner are that he denies or minimizes his actions, turns them onto you, reacts aggressively, tries to convince you you're delluded when you aren't, and seduces or charms your family and friends. This way he isolates you, and also makes you feel like your losing control.I know that it's not easy to leave someone, because whether they are abusive or not, your feelings are real, and it's just as hard for you to leave a long-term partner as it is for anyone... perhaps even more so, because you've put that much more effort into him than many would with their partners. But, in the long run, this guy will drag you down, and you will feel weak from having to be the better person all the time... Good men do exist, and you need to leave this guy and give them a chance, :). Believe it or not, you are not to blame for his actions.It took me a long time to carry out the advice I was given in my relationship - months in fact, and I got to the stage of feeling I was going insane having to deal with this person who was supposed to love me, but did so many things that I wouldn't dream of doing to those I loved.Think long and hard about his actions. No one that truly loved somebody else would do that to you. It's time you find yourself again. Learn to be happy again. I'm afraid he won't help you there. He's already shown an unwillingness to deal with the problem you are faced with - he won't work with you to make your relationship better.p.s. when you leave him, beware of what he claims to do if you return to him - promises like this are simple means of persuasion, and he will not do as he says.Keep us updated on your situation. xx
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A
male
reader, somewhere_between +, writes (15 September 2013):
 He cannot get better than you. He has been trying for two years. I bet you can get a lot better than him though.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): I have been through the same as this with a long term ex. People thought we were the ideal couple too.To my embarrassment, I admit that I tolerated it for 3 years. I realized that I either had to accept or reject it, because it was not going to stop. When I refused to listen to his crap for the very last time, after a month, he then started to put up photos of himself on the date sites that he had denied knowing about, at the same time as trying to get back with me, him saying that it has nothing to do with me(said it all really). Thank God!!It is now time to realize that after 2 years, it is not going to change, however much you want it to. He does not want to. You need to get yourself someone who treats you better, respects you more and even more importantly, someone who cares about your feelings.There is nothing anyone on here can tell you that will change anything.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 I think you are both addicted.
YOU, to trying to "catch" and "fix" him, and him to finding new ways to do as he please without you finding out.
Honey, no matter HOW much you LOVE this guy and want to FIX him, you can't, because he DOESN'T WANT to change. He doesn't THINK what he is doing is wrong - only what YOU are doing. Love is not a magic wand you wave over someone and "poof" they are now fixed and perfect!
And YOU are becoming this CRAZY possessive and stalkerish GF, who thinks she HAS to check up on her BF and "correct" his behavior. YOU are not in charge of making him behave. NO MATTER what you do, what he does is HIS actions and you should NOT feel responsible for them. Do you really think it sounds sane to make profiles on a dating site so you can "catch" your BF? Does that sounds like a trusting, happy and healthy relationship? You are becoming obsessed with "catching" him so you can point out to him how BAD of a BF he is. YET........... YOU ARE STILL WITH HIM! Why? You can't fix him.
End it, get away from him. If all your friends and family think he is so great let THEM date that loser.
He is even blaming YOU for his actions.
Come on, girl! Stop wasting your time on this one.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (14 September 2013):
 Why are you with a man who cheats on you? The issue is with you not with him. He is simply not that into you. While you seem addicted to catching him then want to let him off the hook? If you let him cheat he will carry on. Respect yourself, you can meet a man who will love you and only you. Don't get couples counselling, get your own counselling and build your own self esteem.
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A
female
reader, Daisy_Daisy +, writes (13 September 2013):
He called you abusive?! How strange, since he's the one cheating (or at least trying to), lying and name calling. He's chopping you down and trying to make you question your judgement - and he's doing a good job of it, because rather than trusting your judgement, you're putting up with all this crap. You have lost your self respect.
If he does have an addiction, that makes you the codependent in a very dysfunctional relationship. It is so clear to me that you should, must, leave this relationship, but I also know you're going to find it difficult and may feel it's even impossible.
OP, have you told your friends and family what you've told us? If not, why is that? I really think you need to be honest and open up to people who can support you. Accept their help.
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A
female
reader, PeachCobbler03 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 It really doesn't matter if everyone one else views him as this "great guy". The fact is, you see him for what he really is. The basic definition of paranoia is seeing or believing something that isn't there, but all of his shenanigans are in your face. His accusations regarding your sanity come out of the classic "playbook" of cheaters.He knows he's wrong, otherwise you wouldn't get such a heated reaction out of him. The main question, to yourself, of course, should be "what do I plan to do about this?" You have no ties to this guy, so there is no need to stay and continue to put up with his abuse. And this IS abuse!
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A
male
reader, bronzed adonis +, writes (13 September 2013):
 He is not a sweet guy (as you put it). If he was that good, he would`nt be abusing you like he is. Abuse is exactly what it is. You will never get anywhere with this man and his problem, because he is not going to own up to it.
Remember this. It is not a court of law. You do not need evidence or proof he is lying. You know he is and so does he.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
Your question is all over the place. The real question is "Why are you in this miserable relationship?"
Why does it seem to bother you that people like your boyfriend? Because you can't stand him? Why do you continue to try and catch him on dating sites when you know that doing so won't prevent it from happening again? When will you realize that he's not going to change no matter how much you nag him?
If you want to be with him it's time to accept him for who he is, flaws and all. If you can't do that, LEAVE!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): In my personnel opinion why do you keep giving him chances. He obviously doesn't deserve you. Why would he be joining dating sites if he loved and cared for you. You deserve way better. Unless you have kids I don't see why you stay get out and find yourself a real man!
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 So YOU know what an a$$hole this guy has been..... AND, he has scrupulously kept that fact - that "secret" - from everybody else.... those "everybody elses, incidentally, who you LISTEN TO!!!!
WHO's life are you living???? Theirs'???.... in which your guy displays his "dreamy catch" facade?????? ... or, YOUR's.... in which you know he is a jerk and makes you miserable?????
Looks clear-cut, to me. Write back and tell us how the breakup went....
Good luck...
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Why are you still with him. You will end up losing your confidence and trust in love if you continue to be in an "abusive" relationship. Its time to step up for your self and believe that you deserve better. If anyone says that you are giving up a fantastic guy, then simply say if he is that great you date him and see how long you last.
Its time to put him the dirt bin and throw out yesterdays thrash. You are better than this.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 September 2013):
Clearly he is addicted to the buzz of women chatting him up online otherwise he wouldnt do it when he knows it upsets you. It also shows that he really is not that bothered about your feelings and would rather blame you (this is typical when someone knows they are in the wrong, they dont want to accept it so they blame someone else instead) than face up to his actions.
The bigger question is this though: Why do you put up with it? Who cares what your family and friends think, they are irrelevant in this. Why are you still with him when you have confronted him about his actions and still wont stop?
Is this really how you see the rest of your life? Is this what you want from a relationship?
The problem here is now you, not him - he has this addiction, he knows you know about it and has decided to continue therefore the ball is in your court. Either you accept he doesnt care about your feelings, that he wont stop this online flirting/emotional affairs and you will live the rest of your life with this man and you will have to accept it and be happy with it. Or if you are not happy with it, then leave.
Just because he has this problem doesnt mean you should stay with him just because your family think he is a nice guy - if you are unhappy then leave. There are millions of men out there who dont have this problem, who wont treat you this way and who can make you happy. Its you that is choosing to waste time on this man, no-one is forcing you to stay with him so get some control back in your life, if you are unhappy then walk away.
He is not going to change - so you have to take control of your future now, and decide whether you will put up with this or not.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): This is a big problem and needs professional help.
You also need to trust someone with the secrets, you are carrying it all by yourself, keeping up the image for all to see that he is "perfect" when he is far from it.
He is defensive and pointing the finger at you, when you are the one catching him out.
You should go to couple's counselling if you intend to stay with him, otherwise this will only escalate and not improve by itself.
Good Luck
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A
male
reader, jiggaman22 +, writes (13 September 2013):
You can't change someone by nagging; he needs to change himself. I can't understand why you are even still with this guy; he's making you massively insecure and this is seriously damaging both of you. There are many reasons why couples are not a good match, you may love this person, but he surely does not respect in regards to the dating sites etc.Since he is calling you a "nosey bitch" then surely you have answered your own question as to "surely he knows the difference between right and wrong?" he sees you looking at what he is doing as an invasion of his privacy, whereas he doesn't see the actual act that he is committing as being wrong?I'm not sure if children are involved here, but having two continual years of arguing about the same thing does seem to me that this relationship has more cons than pros and this has most definitely run its course.JiggaJigga
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