A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm super torn up about a break up. My ex girlfriend is having major mental illness issues and can't hold down a functioning relationship anymore. we had been together for over a year, and she'd always battled with severe anxiety and depression, but it's gotten way worse lately. Her mental state has declined even further in the last month or two and she's become suicidal and extremely unstable. I've tried to help her, but it's not possible. I know in my mind that she needs to work on herself alone (she is also in therapy and on meds) and get to a good place, but it's so hard to walk away cause I love her so much. but she literally can't hold a relationship together at this point. I offered to be friends and be there for her until she gets to a good place, but she said she can't just be my friend without wanting more. She keeps telling me that she completely sees a future and her life with me down the road and she hasn't given up on us. That she just wants to take a "pause" on us until she stabilizes herself and her life. thing is, I don't know when that will be or if it will ever happen. And I also don't know if she would even come back for sure. She swears she wants to, but who knows? I don't know what do to. Move on? Put my life on hold?It's a bit of an odd situation. I truly feel she loves me and I love her. It's just so confusing.
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (14 September 2013):
 When in doubt... ask the Rolling Stones. And remind yourself that " time waits for no one , no favours has he - time waits for no one, and it won't wait for me ".
Sorry to have to sound cynical, but no no, you don't put your life on hold for nobody, you can't afford to. Well, it depends from the type of relationship and circumstances , of course : if she were your daughter, yes. If she were your spouse which you have taken " in health and sickness ", you SHOULD try. If you two were co-parents of children adopted together, or co-owner of the same flourishing business . There are cases in which waiting for the other person to pull herself / himself back together is not just the most ethical but often the most sensible choice.
But, for a gf of one year or so ? No matter how passionate and intense and loving the relationship was, no, SHE is not and can't be the center of your life and the core of your universe. YOU are- you must remember to always honour your essence and promote YOUR mental health and wellbeing, not to get it lost, mixed and confused into someone else's- even if you feel she is worthy of that.
You have a degree in psichology, so, don't believe me, believe the big shots of contemporary psychology ( I am thinking of Albert Ellis and Rollo May but there are many others ) and , in a nutshell , they say what I said, only they say it much better .
You live relationship, you don't " fix " them when for whatever reason they are not working and viable, at the cost of sacrifing your future, your possibility of choices, your mental health.
She may be healthy and whole and functional tomorrow, or in 5 years, or never. It's too risky a bet - it is what it is , it 's surely not her fault, poor soul, if she is not fit for a functioning relationship right now, but neither is yours. Don't forget that, and don't feel bad if you chose to move on. You need to feel loved and whole too.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWiseowl, for a long time, before we met, she was depressed but very functional. Holding down jobs and going to school. Her mental health wasn't declining. just staying the same. For years she tried numerous different antidepressants to finally find the one that works best for her. she finally found her right medication around the time right after we met, within a few months, and became extremely stable for the better part of a year. In that time, our relationship was extremely fulfilling and loving. We never raised our voices even once with each other and she was incredibly stable. More than she had ever been, she said. It was the kind of relationship I'd always searched for. Then PTSD kicked in, which is a whole different beast than depression. She was diagnosed about six months ago and told me about it when it happened. A month or two prior to, she started behaving differently. Trouble sleeping and missing work. Bad nightmares. Her personality began changing. she was wanting to stay inside all the time and isolating. It wasn't the woman I knew and spent a year with. That's what prompted her doctor to diagnose her with PTSD. It was a delayed onset from childhood trauma. What caused the onset, no one can really speculate. Since then, I have watched her mental health drastically decline. But she's not crazy. Far from. She's an extremely intelligent and smart woman. But she is suffering. Having a mental illness doesn't make you crazy. She's just got to get it under control. But once you begin to display symptoms of PTSD, especially severe kinds, it can make you feel like you're losing your mind. You're correct, I'm not equipped to be her therapist. That's why she has one. However, I do have a degree in psychology, which helps a little in understanding. I have done a ton of reading on the subject so I can understand the best I can and how best to support her. In the end, it wound up being too much. Her behavior was too up and down. She had stopped going to therapy and one minute she would run to me for comfort, the next she would shove me away and want space from the world. It's been devistating to watch. And no, that's not an act on my part. I never did lose my temper at her. Never. Because I knew she was struggling and suffering. And I knew it wasn't her fault. And no, her behavior is not of that of a mental house escapee. It's not always so black and white in mental illness. I think your perception on mental illness is off in this case. She's not crazy. one doesn't have to be crazy in the least to have the symptoms she's having. PTSD is a horrible thing.
I'm not certain why it's hard to imagine that we genuinely had an extremely healthy and stable relationship and that I didn't cause her decline. I think you're just picturing a certifiably insane woman. it's simply not the case here.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again, thanks for the responses. To the female anonymous: you're absolutely right. I'm giving her full space and not bombarding her with texts. It's good to hear a perspective from the other side. thank you.
CMMP: lol yeah I'm a girl so that kinda changes the whole reproduction thing huh? Haha. Thanks for your answer. :)
To the other female anonymous: I'm very thankful she's getting help, as well. Sitting by and watching her sink and knowing theres nothing i could do would be hell. I'll definitely make sure not to fall back into those roles. Thank you :)
As of now, she called me today and asked if we could speak face to face next week. She said she still deeply loves me and is holding on to how wonderful our relationship is and can be as a means of motivation to heal and get better. She wants to talk and just get on the same page about where we stand and what we both want. We owe that to each other. I'm thankful for that because it will hopefully get me more clear answers to help me.
Thanks again to everyone who took the time to respond.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOnce again, thanks for the responses. To the female anonymous: you're absolutely right. I'm giving her full space and not bombarding her with texts. It's good to hear a perspective from the other side. thank you.
CMMP: lol yeah I'm a girl so that kinda changes the whole reproduction thing huh? Haha. Thanks for your answer. :)
To the other female anonymous: I'm very thankful she's getting help, as well. Sitting by and watching her sink and knowing theres nothing i could do would be hell. I'll definitely make sure not to fall back into those roles. Thank you :)
As of now, she called me today and asked if we could speak face to face next week. She said she still deeply loves me and is holding on to how wonderful our relationship is and can be as a means of motivation to heal and get better. She wants to talk and just get on the same page about where we stand and what we both want. We owe that to each other. I'm thankful for that because it will hopefully get me more clear answers to help me.
Thanks again to everyone who took the time to respond.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Pardon my typo, I typed man, meaning woman.
I find it hard to believe the relationship had no affect on her. She should have been hospitalized long before her mental disorders declined to the degree that you described.
I don't know if you realize; but people in the shape she's in, have been in decline for a very long period. The least amount of stress (especially a relationship) would push her over the edge. Your description is that of an escapee from a mental institution.
One thing is obvious. She has evaded treatment for a long time.
There is no way a layman would be able to handle a person in her condition. She would wear you down to the very last nerve. You would lose your temper. You want to look like you put up with everything with the patience of Job. I'm not buying it.
I can only take your word; but I know there are many details that are being left out.
I can only speculate; but I suspect that your persistence to maintain a relationship only added to the decline of her mental health. How can a person so ill even begin a relationship? They don't have the control and mental facilities to meet the emotional demands.
She would do too many things to piss you off and embarrass you. She might resort to violent reactions in arguments, display bazaar and self-destructive behavior. She's got a long road ahead of her. An ex is the last thing she needs.
My dear, I know better. Move on.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): If you love her as much as you say, then wait for her. Why wouldn't you? You don't have to make a decision right now, I don't think?But during that waiting period - which who knows how long it will be, it could be many years - realize you are not in a relationship with her. You are simply a friend on the outside. I am very glad that she is finally getting serious medical treatment for her mental illnesses. You have been there for her in her worst times and I think you have helped her want to get better. There is no way the relationship could last if she doesn't get treatment. If she gets significantly better I think there is hope for your relationship BUT you will have to start over and redefine certain boundaries so you don't slip back into the old roles of you being her protector and savior as that will make her back slide. In the meantime while she is still healing, you should keep a distance from her so that she can focus on herself.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
Ahhh, you're a woman... Sorry.
In that case, I'd change my answer to say that you could wait for her and maybe only casually date other people until she's better, IF she gets better. When/if that time comes and the two of you are still head over heels, then go for it. If not, at least you'll be one step closer to moving on.
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male
reader, CMMP +, writes (13 September 2013):
It's unfortunate, but mental illness can be passed on to the next generation... do you really want to subject your children to that? I have little ones and, let me promise you, the answer is NO. I know that doesn't sound very fair, and it isn't, but sometimes life isn't fair.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): I was in the exact same situation except I was the suicidal one. Give her space, and lots of it. Don't bombard with texts
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do, however, agree that I need to take her health more seriously than my desire to be with her. In that, I have been selfish. I'd convinced myself that being with me was best for her because I could protect her and keep her safe. And I believe she felt the same way, too, for a long time. That while she was with me, she was safe and loved. And I distracted her from the world and all her problems. And I think she loved that. But that actually enabled her to stop dealing with her problems head on and just ignore them. I think we both have realized she needs to take care of herself.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. Aunty babbit, that's how I'm feeling about it at the the moment. that I just want to wait it out and see. I love her so much. a part of me is just afraid of waiting and getting crushed in the end if she decides to move on. I had her promise me that she would start going back to therapy every week like she was supposed to. She had stopped going for over a month, much against my wishes. Which may be the reason for the decline completely. This week, she sent me a text message telling me that she was up and going to her session. Unfortunately her therapist had called and left a voicemail telling her she wasn't going to be there and needed to reschedule for the next week. so that was discouraging because she was finally there waiting and got the drive to go back, and she wasn't there. I hope she continues to go next week. Every week she's going to send me a text and let me know she's going. that's our deal. Thanks for your advice :)
Wiseowl, I do appreciate blunt honesty. A couple things, however. I'm a woman, not a man. Not that that really matters. And in no way was I the reason for her mental decline. That is completely off the table as a possibility. We had a very clean, healthy, and loving relationship. That aside, her issues have deepened in ways such as delusions and hallucinations, that in no way were derived from me or our relationship. And her suicidal thoughts are from the depression and anger she is feeling over not getting better. One minute she's stable and the next she is panicking and believes the world is out to harm her. She has suffered a lot of abuse. Usually she runs to me when panicked and finds safety and comfort in me. Other times she just wants to isolate completely from the world. And in those times, she realizes it's unfair to me. That she can't have a fully functioning relationship when she isn't fully functioning herself. She's not insane. she's not out of touch completely with reality - her demons have just reared their head and are coming out in full force now - most likely due to her negligence in going to weekly therapy. She's just regressing in her mental state and knows it's unfair for me to have her be there one minute and need me and lean on me, and the next minute shove me away and want to be left alone. And I do realize she's right and respect her wishes.
She has pointed out how wonderful our relationship is when she's healthy and how she wants that 100% of the time. That I deserve that and she deserves that. That she needs to be completely healthy and whole before she can fully settle down with that one person. Of course I want that one person in the end to be me. I love her with my whole heart. And it's pure and good-intentioned.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): The outcome of her treatment is unpredictable, and may require a long recovery time. You can be supportive but that's all you can do.
My advice is to get out of this situation and move on with your life. Her treatment might include hospitalization. You may not be the best thing for her; if your relationship was part of the reason she is ill. It may be too much for her, and you have to put her recovery first.
You're not ill, so you'll do just fine. We get only one side of the story. So we can only assume she was ill before you met her. That being the case, you will never really have a fully functional and healthy relationship. Her issues will last her a lifetime of treatment.
She "left" you, to get her life together. She is your "ex." You seem to be selfishly over-looking the fact; and trying to paint us a noble picture of a man wanting to stand by her. I don't buy it. She had to pull away. That sends a profound message. She'll be better off healing without you in there. I can only give it to you straight.
She is seeking treatment for very serious emotional disorders. That is a sign you are part of the problem. Whether you want to see it that way or not. You're too much for her to handle psychologically and emotionally. You may even set her back. She isn't in any emotional position to make decisions; because her judgement is impaired. All she knows is getting away from you; was necessary to in order to start getting well. Independent of your help. Even if you were good to her, she still had to leave you.
She's telling you what you want to hear; if she claims she may comeback. What else would you expect from a woman fighting for her sanity?
It sounds like you aren't leaving her the choice not to. Your post indicates your persistence of remaining in the picture, regardless. So you're really seeking approval to stay. I don't care what the other aunts may say; from what I read, I feel comfortable in advising you not to. It's best for both of you.
If you leave, she's safely under treatment. She is already suffering from depression; and may as well recover from the breakup already in progress. No contact from you would do her a mountain of good. She left you for a reason; and may not have the strength, or focus, to enforce her decision.
So move on with your life. She is far too frail and ill to offer you what you're looking for in a relationship. The fact that she gave up, is proof in itself. I've read between the lines.
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male
reader, Eng_vice  +, writes (13 September 2013):
Hello.I think you must take her health more seriously than your own needs in this relationship. I get the feeling from your words that you are probably making her worse just now. You need to step away and give her space to heal herself.
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female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (13 September 2013):
 If you really love her, and I think you do, then surely there is no question to be answered is there?
You continue to live your life and you wait for her. Tell her you'd like to keep in touch, maybe every few weeks so that you can see how she's doing and be there to support her.
It's really important that she knows that your not going to abandon her right now. It's sad that she's pushing you away because now is time when she needs you the most, but mental illness is a cruel mistress and can leave the sufferer not thinking clearly.
That said it's also important to allow your girlfriend the control she needs right now. Therefore I think you should wait, at least for now anyway.
If your feelings change later down the line then so be it but right you now you love her and when you love someone you'll do anything for them.
Of course there aren't any guarantees that all will be well and you'll both live happily ever after but, to be honest, there never is that guarantee in any relationship.
I hope this helps a little AB x
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